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June 28. Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep : had had, and the fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and terror of my dream was very great, yet I con sidered that the fit of the ague would return again the next day, and now was my time to get something to refresh and support myself when I should be ill. The first thing I did was to fill a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon my table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into it, and mixed them together. Then I got me a piece of the goat’s flesh, and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about; but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense of my miserable condition, dreading the return of my distemper the next day. At night, I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs; which I roasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell; and this was the first bit of meat I had ever asked God’s blossing to, as I could remember, in my whole life. After I had eaten, I tried to walk; but found myself so weak, that I could hardly carry the gun (for I never went out without that); so I went but a little way, and sat down . the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and very calm and smooth. As I sat here, some such thoughts as these occurred to me: “What is this earth and sea, of which I have seen so much? Whence is it produced 7 And what am I, and all the other creatures, wild and tame, human and brutal'' Whence are we ? Surely, we are all made by some secret Power, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky. And who is that?” Then it followed most naturally, “It is God that has made all.—Well, but then,” it came on strangely, “if God has made all these things, he guides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the Power that could make all things, must certainly have power to guide and direct them : if so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of his works, either without his knowledge or appointment.
“And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here, and am in this dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without his appointment, he has appointed all this to befall me.” Nothing occurred to my thought, to contradict any of these conclusions; and therefore it rested upon me with the greatest force, that it must needs be that God had appointed all this to befall me; that I was brought to this miserable circumstance by his direction, he having the sole power, not of me only, but of every thing that happens in the world. Immediately it followed, “Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used ?” My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had blasphemed; and methought it spoke to me like a voice,—“Wretch! dost thou ask what thou hast done? Look back upon a dreadful misspent life, and ask thyself what thou hast not done. Ask, why is it that thou wert not long ago destroyed 7 Why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth Roads; killed , in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee, man-of-war; devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa; or drowned here, when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost thou ask what thou hast done " ' " I was struck dumb with these reflections, as one astonished, and had not a word to say ; no, not to answer to myself; and rising up pensive and sad, walked back to my retreat, and went over my wall, as if I had been going to bed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in the chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as the apprehension of the return of my distemper terrified me very much, it occurred to my thought, that the Brazilians take no physic but their tobacco for almost all distempers; and I had a piece of a rol of tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured; and Some also that was green, and not quite cured. I went, directed oby Heaven, no doubt; for in this chest I found a cure both for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked for, viz. the tobacco; and as the few books l had saved lay there too, I took out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which to this time I had not
found leisure, or so much as inclination, to look into. I say, I took it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to the table. What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, as to my distemper, nor whether it was good for it or not; but l tried several experiments with it, as if I was resolved it should hit one way or other. I first took a piece of a leaf, and chewed it in my mouth; which, indeed, at first, almost stupefied my brain ; the tobacco being green and strong, and such as I had not been much used to. Then stook somé and steeped it an hour or two in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down ; and lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over the smoke of it as long as I could bear it; as well for the heat, as almost for suffocation. In the interval of this operation, I took up the Bible, and began to read; but my head was too much disturbed with the tobacco to bear reading, at least at that time; only, having opened the book casuals , the first words that occurred to me were these : “Call on me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.” These words were very apt to my case, and made some impression upon my thoughts at the time of reading them, though not so much as they did afterwards; for, as for being delivered, the word had no sound, as I may say, to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible in my apprehension of things, that, as the children of Israel said when they were promised flesh to eat, “Can God spread a table in the wilderness!” so I began to say, “Can even God himself deliver me from this place : " And as it was not for many years that any hopes appeared, this prevailed very often upon my thoughts: but, however, the words made a
reat impression upon me, and I mused upon them very often.
t now grew late; and the tobacco had, as I said, dozed my head so much, that I inclined to sleep : So I left my lamp burning in the cave, lest I should want any thing in the night, and went to bed. But before I lay down, I did what inever had done in all my life; I kneeled down, and prayed to God to fulfil the promise to me, that if I called upon him in the day of troubre, he would deliver me. After my broken and imperfect prayer was over, I drank the rum, in which I had steeped the to bacco; which was so strong and rank of the tobacco, that, indeed, I could scarce get it down : immediately upon this I went to bed. I found presently the rum flew up into my head violently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked no more, till, by the sun, it must necessarily be near three o'clock in the afternoon the next day: nay, to this hour I am partly of opinion, that I slept all the next day and night, and till almost three the day after; for otherwise, I know not how I should lose a day out of my o in the days of the week, as it appeared, some years after, I had done; for if I had lost it by crossing and recrossing the Line, I should have lost more than one day; but certainly I lost a day in my account, and never knew which way. Be that, however, one way or the other, when I awaked, I found myself exceedingly refreshed, and my spirits lively and cheerful: when I got up, I was stronger than I was the day before, and my stomach better, for 1 was hungry; and, in short, I had no fit the next day, but continued much altered for the better. This was the 29th. The 30th was my well day, of course; and I went abroad with my gun, but did not care to travel too far. I killed a sea-fowl or two, something like a brand goose, and brought them home; but was not very forward to eat them; so I ate some more of the turtle's eggs, which were very good. This evening I renewed the medicine, which I had supposed did me good the day before, viz. the tobacco steeped in rum; only I did not take so much as before, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over the smoke : however I was not so well the next day, which was the 1st of July, as I hoped I should have been; for I had a little of the cold fit, but it was not much. July 2. I renewed the medicine all the three ways; and dosed myself with it as at first, and doubled the quantity which I drank. July 3. I missed the fit for good and all, though I did not recover my full strength for some weeks after. While I was thus gathering strength, my thoughts ran exceedingly upon this scripture, “I will deliver thee; ” and the impossibility of my deliverance lay much upon my mind, in bar of my ever expecting, it : but as I was discouraging myself with such thoughts, it occurred to my mind that I pored so much upon my deliveranee from the main affliction, that I disregarded the deliverance I had received; and I was, as it were, made to ask myself such questions as these, viz. “IHave I not been delivered, and wonderfully too, from sickness; from the most distressed condition that could be, and that was so frightful to me? and what notice have I taken of it ! Have I done my part? God has delivered me, but I have not glorified him; that is to say, I have not owned and been thankful for that as a deliverance; and how can I expect a greater deliverance 7" This touched my heart very much ; and immediately 1 knelt down, and gave God thanks aloud for my recovery from my sickness. July 4. In the morning I took the Bible; and beginning at the New Testament, I began seriously to read it; and imposed upon myself to read awhile every morning and every night; not binding myself to the number of chapters, but as long as my thoughts should engage me. It was not long after fse seriously to this work, that I, found my heart, more deeply and sincerely affected with the wickedness of my past life The impression of my dream revived; and the words, “Al these things have not brought thee to repentance,” ran seri ously in my thoughts. I was earnestly begging of God to give me repentance, when it happened providentially, the very same day, that reading the Scripture, I came to these words, “He is exalted a prince, and a Savior; to give repentance, and to give remission.” |f threw down the bod ; and, with my heart as well as my hands lifted up to heaven, in a kind of ecstasy of joy, I cried out aloud, “Jesus, thou Son of David Jesus, thou exalted Prince and Savior give me repentance | * This was the first time in all my life I could say, it the true