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had given to Huckaback was, proba- “ Most delightful!" bly, in point of law, not worth a far- “ Rather sudden, too!-eh?-Mr thing, on the ground of its being both Titmouse ?" fraudulent and usurious; and inti- “ Why-no-no; I should say, 'pon mated something, which Titmouse did my life, certainly not. The fact is, not very distinctly comprehend, about we've long misunderstood each other. the efficacy of a bill in equity for a He's had an uncommon good opinion discovery; which, at a very insignif- of me all the while-people have tried cant expense, (not exceeding £100,) to set him against me; but it's no use, would enable the plaintiff in equity, to he's found them out-he told me so! put the defendant in equity (i. e. And he's not only said, but done the Huckaback) in the way of declaring, handsome thing! He's turned up, by on his solemn oath, that he had ad- Jove, a trump all of a sudden-though vanced the full sum of £50 : and hav- it long looked an ugly one.” ing obtained this important and satis- “ Ha, ha, hal- very !-how curi. factory result, Titmouse would have ous !” exclaimed Mr Gammon, me. the opportunity of disproving the chanically revolving several importstatement of Huckaback-if he could; ant matters in his mind. which of course he could not. By “ I'm going, too, to dine at Satin this process, however, a little profit. Lodge, Mr Tag-rag's country house, able employment would have been next Sunday." affyrded to a certain distinguished “ Indeed! It will be quite a change firm in Saffron Hill--and that was for you, Mr Titmouse. something-to Gammon.
“ Yes, it will, by Jove ; and-a“ But, by the way, talking of mo- a-what's more-there's-hem !-you ney," said Titmouse, suddenly,“ how understand ?" surprising handsome Mr Tag-rag has “ Go on, I beg, my dear Mr Titbehaved to me !"
“ Indeed, my dear sir !" exclaimed “ There's a lady in the case-not Gammon, with real curiosity, “ what that she's said any thing ; but a nod's has he done ?"
as good as a wink to a blind horse “ Advanced me five pounds-all of eh? Mr Gammon?" his own head !”
“ I should think so-Miss Tag-rag “ Are you serious, Mr Titmouse?” will have money, of course ?" enquired Gammon.
" You've hit it! Lots! But I've Titmouse produced the change not made up my mind.” which he had obtained for Tag.rag's (I'd better undeceive this poor five-pound note, minus only the prices devil at once, as to this sordid wretch of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion, the Tag-rag, (thought Gammon,) otherDamascus Cream, and the eyeglass. wise the cunning old rogue may get a Gammon merely stroked his chin in a very mischievous hold upon him! thoughtful manner. So occupied, in. And a lady in the case ! The old deed, was he with his reflections, that scamp has a daughter! Whew! this though his eye was fixed on the ludi- will never do! The sooner I enlighten crous figure of Titmouse, which so
my young friend, the better-though shortly before had occasioned him such at a little risk.] paroxysms of laughter, he did not
“ It's very important to be able to feel the least inclination even to a tell who are real and who false friends, smile. Tag-rag advance Titmouse as I was saying just now, my dear five pounds! Throwing as much smilTitmouse," said Gammon, seriously. ing indifference into his manner as was
66 I think so.
Now look, for inpossible, he asked Titmouse the parti- stance, there's that fellow Hucka. culars of so strange a transaction. back. I should
he"Titmouse answered (how truly the • Pho! pho! my dear sir, a mere reader can judge) that Mr Tag-rag beetle-he's not worth thinking of, one had, in the very handsomest way, vo- way or the other. But, can't you guess lunteered the loan of five pounds; and another sham friend, who has changed moreover offered him any further sum so suddenly." he might require!
“ Do you mean Mr Tag-rag • What a charming change, Mr eh?" Titmouse!'' exclaimed Gammon, with " I mention no names; but it's a watchful eye and anxious smile. rather odd, that when I am speaking
of hollow-hearted friends, you should a scheme occurs to me a very amuat once pame Mr Tag-rag.”
Shall I tell you a way of “ The proof of the pudding-hand proving to his own face how insincere some is that handsome does ; and I've and interested he is towards you? Go got £5 of his money, at any rate." to dinner, by all means, eat his good
“Of course, he took no security for things, hear all that the whole set of such a trifle, between such close them have to say, and just before you friends as you and him ?”
go, it will require you to have your “Oh-why-now you mention it- wits about you,) pretend, with a long But,'twas only a line-one line.” face, that our affair is all a bottle of
“ I knew it, my dear sir," inter- smoke: say that Messrs Quirk, Gamrupted Gammon, calmly, with a sig- mon, and Snap have told you the day nificant smile" Tag-rag and Hucka. before that they had made a horrid back, they're on a par-ah, ha, ha!" mistake." My dear Titmouse,
you are too
“ 'Pon my life, I_I_reallyhonest and confiding !"
daren't_I couldn't-I couldn't keep it “ What keen eyes you lawyers up-he'd half kill me. Besides, there have, to be sure! Well-I never”. will be Miss Tag-rag, it would be the he was evidently somewhat stagger- death of her, I know.” ed._“I_I_must say," he presently “ Miss Tag-rag! Gracious Heavens! added, looking gratefully at Gammon, What on earth can you have to do " I think I do now know of a true with her? You—why, if you really friend, that sent me two five. pound succeed in getting this fine property, notes, and never asked for any secu- she might make a very suitable wife rity.”
for one of your grooms." My dear sir, you really pain me
" Ah! I don't know-she
may by alluding to such a matter !" devilish fine.girl, and the old fellow
[Oh, Gammon, is not this too bad ? will have a tolerable penny to leave her What are the papers which you know and a bird in the hand-eh ? Beare now in your pocket, signed only sides, I know what she's all alongthis very evening by Titmouse ?] hem!--but that doesn't signify." “You are not a match for Tag-rag, “ Pho! pho! Ridiculous! Ha, ha,
because he was made for ha! Fancy Miss Tag-rag Mrs Tita tradesman-you are not.
mouse! Your eldest son-ah, ha, ha! think he would have parted with his Tag-rag Titmouse, Esq. Delightful ! £5 but for value received ? Oh, Tag. Your honoured futher a draper in Oxrag ! Tag-rag !”
ford Street!” All this might be very " I-I really begin to think, Mr clever, but it did not seem to tell upon Gammon-'pon my soul, I do think Titmouse, whose little heart had been you're right.”
reached by a cunning hint of Tag"Think!- Why-for a man of your rag's, concerning his daughter's flatacuteness—how could he imagine you tering estimate of Titmouse's personal could forget the long course of insult appearance. The reason why Gamand tyranny; that he should change mon attacked so seriously a matter, all of a sudden--just now, when”- which appeared so chimerical and pre
" Ay-by Jove !-just when I'm posterous, was this—that, according to coming into my property,"interrupted his present plan, Titmouse was to reTitmouse, quickly.
main for some considerable while at “ To be sure—to be sure !~Just Tag-rag's, and, with his utter weak
I say, to make this sudden ness of character, might be worked change! Bah! bah!"
upon by Tag-rag and his daughter, "I hate Tag-rag, and always did. and get inveigled into an engagement Now, he's trying to take me in, just as which might be productive, hereafter he does every body; but I've found of no litile embarassment. him out-I won't lay out a penny with ceeded, however, at length, in obtainhim."
ing. Titmouse's promise to adopt bis “ Would you, do you think, ever suggestion, and thereby discover the have seen the inside of Satin Lodge, true nature of the feelings entertained if you hadn't":
towards him at Satin Lodge. He “Why, I don't know-I really shook Titmouse energetically by the think-hem!”
hand, and left him perfectly certain, "Were you, my dear sir ? -But now that if there was one person in the
world worthy of his esteem, and even altogether from the company and inreverence, that person was OILY fluence of Tag-rag. Some time after GAMMON, Esq.
they had parted, Quirk came with an As he bent his steps towards Safe eager air into Mr Gammon's room, fron Hill, he reflected rather anxiously with a most important suggestion, viz. on several matters that had occurred whether it would not be possible for to him during the interview which I them to get Tag-rag to become a surety have just described. On reaching the to them, by-and-by, on behalf of Titoffice he was presently closeted with mouse? Gammon was delighted !Mr Quirk, to whom, first and foremost, He heartily commended Mr Quirk's he exhibited and delivered the docu- sagacity, and promised to turn it about ments to which he had obtained Tit in his thoughts very carefully. Not havmouse's signature, and which, the ing been let entirely into Quirk's poreader will allow me to assure him, licy, (of which the reader has, howwere of a somewhat different tex.
ever, just had a glimpse,) he did not ture, from a certain legal instrument see the difficulties which kept Quirk or security which I laid before him awake almost all that night—how to some little time ago.
protect Titmouse from the machina“Now,Gammon,” said the old gentle. tions of Tag-rag and his daughter, and man, as soon as he had locked up in his yet keep Tag-rag sufficiently interestsafe the above-mentioned documents - ed in, and intimate with Titmouse to “ Now, Gammon, I think we may be entertain, by-and by, the idea of beup and at 'em; load our guns, and coming surety for him to them, the blaze away,” and he rubbed his hands. said Messrs Quirk, Gammon, and Snap;
“ Yes, and long enough we've been and how to manage Titmouse all the in preparation ! But I just want to while, so as to forward their objects, name a thing or two that has occurred and also that of turning his attention to me while with Titmouse." Then towards Miss Quirk, was really rather he told him of the effects which had a difficult problem. Quirk looked followed the use of the potent Cyan, down on Tag-rag with honest indigochaitanthropopoion, at which old nation, as a mean and mercenary felQuirk almost laughed himself into fits. low, whose unprincipled schemes, When, however, Gammon, with a se- thank Heaven! he already saw through, rious air, mentioned the name of Miss and from which he resolved to rescue Tag-rag, and his grave suspicions con- his innocent and confiding client, who cerning her, Quirk bounced up out was made for better things—to wit, of his chair, almost startling Gammon 'Miss Quirk. out of his. If he had just been told When Titmouse rose the next that his banker had broke, he could morning, (Saturday,) behold—he found scarce have shown more emotion. his hair had become of a variously
The fact was, that he, too, had a shaded purple or violet colour! AsDAUGHTER—an only child– Miss Quirk tonishment and apprehension by turns -whom he had destined to become possessed him, as he stared into the Mrs Titmouse.
glass at this unlooked for change of “ A designing old villain ! ” he colour ; and hastily dressing himself, exclaimed at length, and Gammon after swallowing a very slight breakagreed with him ; but, strange to say, fast, off he went once more to the sciwith all his acuteness, never adverted entific establishment in Bond Street, to the real cause of Quirk's sudden to which he had been indebted for his and vehement exclamation. When recent delightful experiences. The Gammon told him of the manner in distinguished inventor and proprietor which he had opened Titmouse's eyes of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion was to the knavery of Tag-rag, and ihe behind the counter as usual-calm and expedient he had suggested for its de confident as ever. monstration, Quirk could have wor- " Ah! I see-as I said ! as I said ! shipped Gammon, and could not help Isn't it ?- coming round quicker rising and shaking him very energeti. than usual - Really, I'm selling more cally by the hand,
much to his astonish- of the article than I can possibly ment. After a long consultation, two make." things were agreed upon by the part.. • Well,"—at length said Titmouse, ners; to look out fresh lodgings for as soon as he had recovered from the Titmouse, and remove him presently surprise occasioned by the sudden vo
lubility with which he had been assail. after two days' use of the Cyanochai. ed on entering—" then is it really tanthropopoion, and one day's use of going on tolerable well?" taking off this Tetaragmenon Abracadabrahis hat, and looking anxiously into a and asked me if I knew her. Upon glass that hung close by.
my soul I did not, till she solemnly “ Tolerable well! delightful! per. assured me she was really Lady Cafect ! couldn't be better! If you'd roline!” studied the thing, you'd know, sir, “ How much is it ? ” eagerly enthat purple is the middle colour be- quired Titmouse, thrusting his band tween green and black. Indeed, into his pocket, with no little exciteblack's only purple and green mixed, ment. which explains the whole thing !" “ Only nine-and-sixpence." Titmouse listened with infinite satis- « Good gracious, what a price ! faction to this philosophical state- nine-and-six". ment,
“ Would you believe it, sir ? This “ Remember, sir-my hair is to extraordinary fluid cost a great Gercome like yours-eh? you recollect, man chemist his whole life to bring to
perfection; and it contains expensive • I have very little doubt, of it, sir materials from all the four corners of -nay, I am certain of it, knowing it the world." by experience."
“ I've laid out a large figure with [The scamp had been hired exa you, sir, this day or two-couldn't pressly for the purpose of lying thus you say eight sh in support of the Cyanochaitanthropo- “ We never abate, sir,” said the poion; his own hair being a natural gentleman, rather haughtily. Of
course, poor Titmouse bought the " l'm going to a grand dinner to. thing ; not a little depressed, however, morrow, sir," said Titmouse, “ with at the heavy prices he had paid for some devilish great people, at the the three bottles, and the uncertainty west end of the town--eh? you under- he felt as to the ultimate issue. That stand ? will it do by that time? Would night, he was so well satisfied with the give a trifle to get my hair a shade progress which the hair on his head darker by that time-for-hem! was making, (for, by candle-light, it most lovely girl-eh ? you understand really looked very dark,) that he rethe thing ?-devilish anxious, and all solved-at all events for the present, that sort of thing, you know!” to leave well alone ;-or at the utmost,
“Yes--1 do,” replied the gentleman to try the effects of the Tetaragmenon of the shop, in a confidential tone; and Abracadabra only upon his eyebrows opening one of the glass doors behind and whiskers. Into them he rubbed him, took out a bottle considerably the new specific; which, on the bottle larger than the first, and handed it to being opened, surprised him in two Titmouse.
6. This,” said he, “ will respects : - first, it was perfectly complete the thing; it combines che- colourless ; secondly, it had a most mically with the purple particles, and infernal smell. However- it was no
. the result is generally arrived at in use hesitating ; he had bought and about two days' time"
paid for it; and the papers it was “ But it will do something in a folded in gave an account of its sucnight's timemeh?—surely."
cess that was really irresistible and "I should think so ! But here it is ' unquestionable. Away, therefore, he -it is called the TETARAGMENON rubbed--and when he had finished, ABRACADABRA."
got into bed, in humble hope as to the " What a name !" exclaimed Tit- result, which would be disclosed by mouse, with a kind of awe. “ 'Pon the morning's light. But would you honour, it almost takes one's breath believe it ?°When he looked at him. away'
self in the glass, about six o'clock, (at " It will do.more, sir—it will take which hour he awoke,) I protest it is your red hair away !- By the way, a fact, that his eyebrows and whiskers only the day before yesterday, a lady were as white as snow; which, comof high rank, (between ourselves, Lady bining with the purple colour of the Caroline Carrot,) whose red hair hair on his head, rendered him one of always seemed as if it would have set the most astounding objects in human her bonnet in a blaze, came here, shape) the eye of man had ever be
held. There was the wisdom of age was useless. He sat for an hour or seated in his eyebrows and whiskers, two in an ecstasy of grief and rage. unspeakable youthful folly in his fea- What would he now have given never tures, and a purple crown of WONDER to have meddled with the hair which on his head.
God had thought fit to send him into Really, it seemed as if the devil the world with ? Alas, with what were wreaking his spite on Mr Tit. mournful force Mrs Squallop's words mouse—nay, perhaps it was the devil again and again recurred to him ! To himself who had served him with the say that he eat breakfast would be bottles, in Bond Street. Or was it a scarcely correct. He drank a single mere ordinary servant of the devil cup of cocoa, and eat about three some greedy, impudent, unprincipled inches' length and thickness of a roll speculator, who, desirous of acting on -and then put away his breakfast the approved maxim-Fiat experi- things on the window-shelf. If he had mentum in corpore vili_had pitched been in the humour to go to church on Titmouse (seeing the sort of per- -how could he ? he would have been son he was) as a godsend, quite turned out as an object involuntarily reckless what effect he produced on exciting every body to laughter ! his hair, so as the stuff was paid for, Yet, poor soul, in this extremity of and its effects noted ? It might pos. misery, he was not utterly neglected; sibly have been sport to the gentleman for he had that morning quite a little of the shop, but it was near proving levee. First came Mr Snap, who, death to poor Titmouse, who really having quite as keen and clear an eye might have resolved on throwing for his own interest as his senior parthimself out of the window, only that ners, had early seen how capable was he saw it was not big enough for a acquaintance with Titmouse of being baby to get through. He turned turned to his (Snap's)great advantage. aghast at the monstrous object which He had come, therefore, dressed very his little glass presented to him; and stylishly, to do a little bit of toadying sunk down upon the bed, with a feeling on the sly, (on his own exclusive asif he were now fit for death. As before, account ;) and had brought with him, Mrs Squallop made her appearance,
for the edification of Titmouse, a copy with his kettle for breakfast. He was of that day's Sunday Flash, which sitting at the table, dressed, and with contained a long account of a bloody his arms folded, with a reckless air, fight between Birmingham Bigbones not at all caring to conceal the new and London Littlego, for £500 aside and still more frightful change which -eighty rounds were fought, both he had undergone since she saw him men killed, and their seconds had last. Mrs Squallop stared at him for bolted to Boulogne. Poor Snap, how. a second or two in silence ;-then, ever, though he had come with the stepping back out of the room, sud- best intentions, and the most anxious denly drew to the door, and stood wish to evince profound respect for the outside, laughing vehemently.
future master of ten thousand a-year, “I'll kick you down stairs !” shout- was quite taken by storm by the ed Titmouse, rushing to the door, pale very first glimpse he got of Titmouse, with fury, and pulling it open.
and could not for a long while recover • Mr-Mr- Titmouse--you'll be himself. He had come to ask Titthe death of me- - you will-you will!” mouse to dine with him at a tavern in -gasped Mrs Squallop, almost black the Strand, where there was to be cain the face, and the water running out pital singing in the evening ; and also of the kettle, which she was uncon- to accompany him, on the ensuing sciously holding in a slant. After a morning, to the Old Bailey, to hear while, however, they got reconciled. “a most interesting trial” for bigamy, Mrs Squallop had fancied he had been in which Snap was concerned for the but rubbing chalk on his eyebrows prisoner-a miscreant, who had been and whiskers ; and seemed dismayed married to five living women. Snap indeed on hearing the true state of the conceived (and very justly) that it
He implored her to send out would give Titmouse a striking idea for a small bottle of ink ; but as it was of his (Snap's) importance, to see him Sunday morning none could be got- so much, and apparently so familiarly and she teased him to try a little concerned with well-known counsel. blacking! He did-but of course it In his own terse and quaint way,