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Sir C. [Bowing] You are very obliging, Ma

Heart. [Hesitating.] Nor—IYoung C. But I do-And so you will all pre- dam. sently.

Re-enter HARRIOT.

Har. Bless me, Mr. Heartly, what is all this music for in the next room?

Har. Neither is it, Sir, a merit of that extraordinary nature, that I should sacrifice to it an inclination which I have conceived for another. Sir C. How is this?

Young C. Another ! not you; mind that, uncle. Lucy. What is the meaning of all this? Young C. Proof positive, uncle-And very positive.

Young C. I brought the gentlemen of the string, Mademoiselle, to convince you that I feel as I ought the honour you have done me-Showing the letter-But, for heaven's sake, be sin- Sir C. I have been led into a mistake, Madam, cere a little with these good folks; they tell me which I hope you will excuse; and I have made here that I am nobody, and there is another hap-myself very ridiculous, which I hope I shall pier than myself. forget:-And so, Madam, I am your humble servant.

Har. To hesitate any longer would be injurious to my guardian, his friend, this young gentleman, and my own character. You have all been in an error. My bashfulness may have deceived youMy heart never did.

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Har. With fear and shame confessYoung C. Courage, Mademoiselle! Har. That another, not you, Sir, has gained a power over my heart. [7% YOUNG CLACKIT. Sir C. Another, not you; mind that, Jack. Ha, ha!

Har. It is a power indeed which he despises I cannot be deceived in his conduct.-Modesty may tie the tongue of our sex, but silence in him could proceed only from contempt.

you.

Sir C. How prettily she reproaches me!-But I'll soon make it up with her. [Aside. Hir. As to that letter, Sir, your error there is excusable; and I own myself in that particular a little blameable.But it was not my fault that it was sent to you; and the contents must have told you that it could not possibly be meant for To YOUNG CLACKIT. Sir C. Proof positive, Jack:-Say no more. Now is my time to begin.-Hem !-hem!-Sweet young lady!-hem!-whose charms are nighty, so far transcending every thing that we read of in history or fable, how could you possibly think that my silence proceeded from contempt? was it natural or prudent, think you, for a man of sixty-five, nay, just entering into his sixty-sixth year

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Young C. O misericorde! what, is my uncle my rival Nay then, I burst, by Jupiter!-Ha,

ha ha!

Har. Don't imagine, Sir, that to me your age is any fault.

Heart. What I now see, and the remembrance of what is past, force me to break silence. Young C. Ay, now for it.-Hear him-hear him.

Heart. O my Harriot!--I too must be disgraced in my turn.-Čan you think that I have seen and conversed with you unmoved?-Indeed I have not. The more I was sensible of your merit, the stronger were my motives to stifle the ambition of my heart.-But now I can no longer resist the violence of my passion, which casts me at your feet, the most unworthy indeed of all your admirers, but of all the most affectionate.

Har. I have refused my hand to Sir Charles and this young gentleman: the one accuses me of caprice, the other of singularity:-Should I refuse my hand a third time, [smiling,] I might draw upon myself a more severe reproach-and therefore I accept your favour, Sir, and will endeavour to deserve it.

Heart. And thus I seal my acknowledgements, and from henceforth devote my every thought, and all my services, to the author of my happiness. [Kisses her hand.

Sir C. Well, my dear discreet nephew, are you satisfied with the fool's part you have given me, and played yourself in the farce? Sir?

Young C. What would you have me say, I am too much a philosopher to fret.

Heart. I hope, Sir Charles, that we shall still continue to live as neighbours and friends. For you, my Harriot. words cannot express my wonder or my joy; my future conduct must tell you what a sense I have of my happiness, and how much I shall endeavour to deserve it.

For ev'ry charm that ever yet bless'd youth,
Accept compliance, tenderness, and truth;
My friendly care shall change to grateful love.
And the fond husband still the Guardian prove

[Exeunt

THE LYING VALET:

A FARCE,

IN TWO ACTS.

BY DAVID GARRICK, Esq.

REMARKS.

This piece was first launched at the Theatre in Goodman's Fields; but Mr. Garrick, who soon quitted that place for the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, brought his Farce with him. It appears to be founded on an old English Comedy but it has spirit, incident, and variety, with language well adapted to the characters.

Considerable success attended the numerous early repetitions of this diverting afterpiece, and it forms a useful addition to the stock-list of every Theatre in the kingdom.

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ACT I.

SCENE I-GAYLESS's Lodgings.
Enter GAYLESS and SHARP.

Sharp. How, Sir! shall you be married to morrow? Eh, I'm afraid you joke with your poor humble servant.

Gay. I tell thee Sharp, last night Melissa consented, and fixed to-morrow for the happy day.

Sharp. 'Tis well she did, Sir, or it might have been a dreadful one for us, in our present condition: all your money spent, your moveables sold, your honour almost ruined, and your humble servant almost starved; we could not possibly have stood it two days longer. But if this young lady will marry you and relieve us, o'my conscience, I'll turn friend to the sex, and think of a wife myself.

Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I

have imposed upon her, I am almost resolved to throw myself at her feet, tell her the real situation of my affairs, ask her pardon, and implore her pity. Sharp. After marriage, with all my heart, Sir, Gay. What, because I am poor, shall I abandon my honour?

Sharp. Yes, you must, Sir, or abandon me: so pray discharge one of us; for eat I must, and speedily too; and you know very well that that honour of vours will neither introduce you to a great man's table, nor get me credit for a single beef-steak.

Gay. What can I do?

Sharp. Nothing, while honour sticks in your throat: do gulp, master, and down with it.

Gay. Pr'ythee, leave me to my thoughts. Sharp. Leave you! No, not in such bad com pany, I assure you. Why you must certainly be a very great philosopher, Sir, to moralize and declaim so charmingly as you do, about honour

and conscience, when your doors are beset with bailifis, and not one single guinea in your pocket to bribe the villians.

Gay. Don't be witty, and give your advice, Sirrah!

Sharp Do you be wise and take it, Sir.

Re-enter SHARP, with KITTY.

Kitty. I must know where he is, and will know too, Mr. Impertinence !

Sharp. Not of me you won't. [Aside.] He's not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty. I dont know myself. Do you think I can conjure?

But to be serious; you certainly have spent your fortune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; and my belly can testify: your father has disown- therefore don't trifle with me. I come from my ed you; all your friends forsook you, except my-mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, what's self, who am starving with you. Now, Sir, if to be done to morrow morning? you marry this young lady, who as yet, thank heaven, knows nothing of your misfortunes, and by that means procure a better fortune than that you squandered away, make a good husband, and turn economist, you still may be happy, may still be Sir William's heir, and the lady too no loser by the bargain. There's reason and argument, Sir.

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Sharp Pray then make no more objections to the marriage. You see I am reduced to my waiscoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin with you; and then we shall be forced to keep house, and die by inches.-Look you, Sir, if you wont resolve to take my advice, while you have one coat to your back, I must e'en take to my heels, while I have strength to run, and something to cover me: so Sir, wishing you much comfort ard consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and half-starved friend and servant. [Going. Gay. Hold, Sharp, you won't leave me? Sharp. I must eat, Sir; by my honour and appetite, I must!

Gay. Well then, I am resolved to favour the cheat; and as I shall quite change my former course of life, happy may be the consequences; at least of this I am sure

Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are at present. [A knocking without.

Gay. Who's there? Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who favoured you with money at fifty per cent. and helped you to spend it; and are now become daily mementoes to you of the folly of trusting rogues, and laughing at my advice.

Gay. Cease your impertinence!--to the door!If they are duns, tell 'em my marriage is now certainly fixed, and persuade 'em still to forbear a few days longer. And do you hear Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, say I am not at home, lest the bad appearance we make here should make 'em suspect something to our disadvantage.

Sharp. I'll obey you, Sir; but I'm afraid they will easily discover the consumptive situation of our affairs by my chop-fallen countenance. [Exit. Gay. These very rascals, who are now continually dunning and persecuting me, were the very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship.

Sharp. [Without.] Upon my word, Mrs. Kitty, my master's not at home.

Kitty [Without.] Lookye, Sharp, I must and will see him.

Gay. Ha, what do I hear? Melissa's maid! She's coming up stairs. What must I do?-I'll get into this closet and listen. VOL. I.... D

3

[Exit.

Sharp. Ay, and to-morrow night too, girl! Kitty. Not if I can help it. [Aside.] But come, where is your master? for see him I must.

Sharp. Pray Mrs. Kitty, what's your opinion of this match between my master and your mistress?

Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; and yet most of our wants will be relieved by it too; for instance now, your master will get a fortune, that's what I am afraid he wants; my mistress will get a husband, that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, and I an opportunity of breaking your head for your impertinence.

Sharp. Madam, I'm your most humble servant! But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, I am positively against the match; for was 1 a man of my master's fortune,

Kitty. You'd marry if you could, and mendit ha, ha, ha!-Pray Sharp, where does your master's estate lie?

Sharp. Lie, lie!-why, it lies-'faith I can't name any particular place, it lies in so many; his effects are divided, some here and some there; his steward hardly knows himself.

Kitty. Scattered, scattered, I suppose. But harkye, Sharp, what's become of your furniture? You seem to be a little bare here at present.

Sharp. Why you must know, as soon as the wedding was fixed, my master ordered me to remove his goods to a friend's house, to make room for a ball which he designs to give here the day after the marriage.

Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! for my mistress designs to have a ball and entertainment here to-night before the marriage; and that's my business with your master.

Sharp. The devil it is! [Aside. Kitty. She'll not have it public; she designs to invite only eight or ten couple of friends. Sharp. No more ?

Kitty. No more: and she ordered me to desire your master not to order a great entertainment. Sharp. Oh, never fear.

Kitty. Ten or a dozen little nice things, with some fruit, I believe, will be enough in all conscience. Sharp. Oh, curse your conscience! [Aside. Kitty. And what do you think I have done of my own head?

Sharp. What?

Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: wont your master be surprised? Sharp. Much so, indeed!

Kitty. Well, be quick and find out your mas [ ter, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? I have not seen you for some time, and you seem to look a little thin.

Sharp. Oh, my unfortunate face! [Aside.] I'm | in pure health, thank you, Mrs. Kitty; and I'll assure you I have a very good stomach, never better in all my life; and I am full of vigour, hussy! [Offers to kiss her.

Kitty. What, with that face-Well, by by. [Going]-Oh, Sharp, what ill-looking fellows are those, who were standing about your door when I came in? They want your master too, I suppose?

Sharp. Hum! Yes, they are waiting for him. They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money.

Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his tenants stand in the street?

Sharp. They choose it; as they seldom come to town, they are willing to see as much of it as they can when they do: they are raw, ignorant honest people.

do you be as merry as love and poverty will per mit you.

Would you succeed, a faithful friend depute, Whose head can plan, and front can execute. [Exeunt.

SCENE II-MELISSA's Lodgings.

Enter MELISSA and KITTY.

Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! the master not at home, the man in confusion, no furniture in the house, and ill-looking fellows about the doors! 'Tis all a riddle.

Kitty. But very easy to be explained.

Mel. Pr'ythee explain it then, nor keep me longer in suspense.

Kitty. The affair is this, Madam: Mr. Gayless is over head and ears in debt; you are over head and ears in love: you'll marry him to-mor row; the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the remainder.

Mel. I cannot think him base.

Kitty. Well, I must run home-farewell!But do you hear? Get something substantial for us in the kitchen: a ham, a turkey, or what you will. We'll be very merry. And be sure to Kitty. But I know they are all base. You remove the tables and chairs away there too, that are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I we may have room to dance. I can't bear to be am young too, but have more experience: you confined in my French dances-tal, lal, lal. [Dan-never was in love before; I have been in love ccs.] Well, adieu! Without any compliment, I with a hundred, and tried 'em all; and know 'em shall die, if I don't see you soon. [Exit. all to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding Sharp. And, without any compliment, I pray bewitching devils. heaven you may!

Re-enter GAYLESS; they look for some time sorrowfully at each other.

Gay. Oh, Sharp!

Sharp. Oh, master!

Gay. We are certainly undone!
Sharp. That's no news to me.

Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers-ten or a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit-my lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey!

Sharp. Say no more; the very sound creates an appetite: and I am sure, of late, I have had no occasion for whetters and provocatives.

Gay. Cursed misfortune! what can we do? Sharp. Hang ourselves; I see no other remedy; except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper without meat or music.

Gay, Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress me, and break off this match.

Sharp. I don't believe it, Sir; begging your pardon.

Gay. No! why did her maid then make so strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs?

Sharp. For two very substantial reasons; the first to satisfy a curiosity natural to her as a woman: the second, to have the pleasure of my conversation, very natural to her as a woman of taste and understanding.

Gay. Pr'ythee be more serious: is not our all at stake?

Sharp. Yes, Sir; and yet that all of ours is of so little consequence, that a man with a very small share of philosophy, may part from it with out much pain or uneasiness. However, Sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, that Mrs. Melissa knows nothing of your circumstances. And I'll tell you what too, Sir; she shan't be here to-night, and yet you shall marry her to-morrow morning. Gay. How, how, dear Sharp ?

Sharp. 'Tis here, here, Sir! warm, warm; and delays will cool it; therefore I'll away to her, and

Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give 'em; but Mr. Gayless

Kitty. Is a man, Madam.

Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him.

Kitty. With all my heart. I have given you my sentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations.

Mel. Oh, Madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension; ha, ha, ha! However, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villany

Kitty. Of his poverty you may have a hundred; I am sure I have had none to the contrary. Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches. [Aside. Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisities of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient one way, that he should make it up in another. [A knocking.

Mel. See who's at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl; her bad opinion of Mr. Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her.

Re-enter KITTY and SHARP. So, Sharp, have you found your master? Will things be ready for the ball and entertainment?

Sharp. To your wishes, Madam. I have just now bespoke the music and the supper, and wait now for your ladyship's further commands.

Mel. My compliments to your master, and let him know I and my company will be with him by six; we design to drink tea, and play at cards, before we dance.

Kitty. So shall I and my company, Mr. [Aside. [Aside.

Sharp.

Sharp. Mighty well, Madam!

Mel. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? 'Tis too cool to go so airy, sure.

Kitty. Mr. Sharp, Madam, is of a very hot | violence, that, being half delirious I made a full constitution; ha, ha, ha! confession.

Sharp. If it had been ever so cool, I have had enough to warm me since I came from home, I'm sure; but no matter for that. [Sighs. Mel. What d'ye mean? Sharp. Pray don't ask me Madam, I beseech you don't let me change the subject.

Kitty. Insist upon knowing it Madam.- -My curiosity must be satisfied, or I shall burst. [Aside. Mel. I do insist upon knowing; on pain of my displeasure, tell me!

Sharp. If my master should know-I must not tell you, madam, indeed.

Mel. I promise you, upon my honour, he never

shail.

Sharp. But can your ladyship insure secrecy from that quarter?

Kitty. Yes, Mr Jackanapes, for any thing you

can say.

Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? Sharp. That my master loved fornication: that you had no aversion to it; that Mrs. Kitty was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a bawd, Madam?

Sharp. And so, Madam, in the scuffle, my coat was torn to pieces, as well as your reputation. Mel. And so you joined to make me infamous! Sharp. For heaven's sake, Madam, what could I do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, as witness my head, [Shows his head, plastered,] that I would have given up all the reputations in the kingdom rather than have my brains beat to a jelly.

Mel. Very well!-But I'll be revenged. And did not you tell your master of this?

Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would Sharp. Why then, in short, Madam-I cannot certainly have murdered half the attorneys in

Mel. I engage for her.

tell you.

Mel. Don't trifle with me.

Sharp. Then since you will have it, Madam,
I lost my coat in defence of your reputation.
Mel. In defence of my reputation?

Sharp. I will assure you, Madam, I've suffered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own.

Mel. Pr'ythee explain.

Sharp. In short, Madam, you was seen, about
a month ago, to make a visit to my master, alone.
Mel. Alone! my servant was with me.
Sharp. What, Mrs. Kitty? So much the
worse; for she was looked upon as my property;
and I was brought in guilty, as well as you and
my master.

Kitty. What, your property, jackanapes?
Mel. What is all this?

Sharp. Why, madam, as I came out but now to make preparation for you and your company to-night, Mrs. Pryabout, the attorney's wife at next door, calls to me: "Harkye, fellow!" says she, "do you and your modest master know that my husband shall indict your house, at the next parish meeting, for a nuisance ?"

Mcl. A nuisance!

Sharp. I said so-" A nuisance! I believe none in the neighbourhood live with more decency and regularity than I and my master;" as is really the case.-"Decency and regularity!" cries she, with a sneer-"why, Sirrah, does not my window look into your master's bed-chamber? And did not he bring in a certain lady, such a day?" describing you, Madam,-" And did not I see

Mel. See! O scandalous! What? Sharp. Modesty requires my silence. Mel. Did not you contradict her? Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her I was sure she lied: "for zounds!" said I, for I could not help swearing, "I am so well convinced of the lady's and my master's prudence, that I am sure had they a mind to amuse themselves, they would certainly have drawn the window curtains." Mcl. What, did you say nothing else? Did not you convince her of her error and impertinence ?

Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could do nothing but swear and call names: upon which, out bolts her husband upon me, with a fine taper crab in his hand, and fell upon me with such

town by this time.

Mel. Very well!—But I'm resolved not to go to your master's to-night.

Sharp. Heavens, and my impudence be praised! [Aside. Kitty. Why not, Madam? If you are not guilty, face your accusers.

Sharp. Oh, the devil! ruined again! [Aside. To be sure, face 'em by all means, Madam: they can but be abusive, and break the windows a little. Besides, Madam, I have thought of a way to make this affair quite diverting to you: I have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate, large Swiss broad-sword; and between us, Madam we shall so pepper and slice 'em, that you will die with laughing.

Mel. What, at murder?

Kitty. Don't fear, Madam, there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned.

Sharp. Murder, Madam! 'Tis self-defence: besides in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, supposing they bring the whole body of militia upon us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly the rest of the covey.

Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I wont go; that 's my resolution.

Kitty. Why then, I'll tell you what, Madam; since you are resolved not to go to the supper, suppose the supper was to come to you: 'tis great pity such great preparations as Mr. Sharp has made should be thrown away.

Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs. Kitty; but I can immediately run back and unbespeak what I have ordered; 'tis soon done.

Mel. But then what excuse can I send to your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coming.

Sharp. Oh terribly so!-But I have it: I'll tell him that you were suddenly taken with the vapours, or qualms, or what you please, Madam.

Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half-a-guinea for you to help your invention.

Sharp. Half-a-guinea!-'Tis so long since I had any thing to do with money, that I scarcely know the current coin of my own country. Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, out-lie her chambermaid, and yet be paid for thy honesty,-But my

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