joy will discover me. [Aside ] Madam, you have | eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obedient, humble servant.-Oh, the delights of impudence and a good understanding! [Aside, and exit. Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! Was there ever such a lying varlet with his slugs and his broad-swords, his attorneys and broken heads and nonsense! Well, Madam, are you satisfied now? Do you want more proofs ? Mel. Of your modesty I do; but I find you are resolved to give me none. Kitty Madam! Mel. I see through your little mean artifice: you are endeavouring to lessen Mr. Gayless in my opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occasion for. Kitty. Pay me, Madam! I am sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr. Gayless for not paying me, when, I believe, 'tis his general practice. Mel. 'Tis false! He's a gentleman, and a man of honour; and you are Kitty. Not in love, I thank heaven! Mel. You are a fool. [Courtesies. terity, that neither your circumstances, nor my ve racity are suspected. Gay. But how hast thou excused ne from the ball and entertainment? Sharp. Beyond expectation, Sir. But in that particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, and declare the real situation of your affairs. I told her we had so long disused ourselves to dressing either dinners or suppers, that I was afraid we should be but awkward in our preparations. In short, Sir, at that instant a cursed gnawing seized my stomach, that I could not help telling her, that both you and myself seldom made a good meal, now-a-days, once in a quarter of a year. Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed me, villain? Did you not tell me, this moment, she did not in the least suspect my circumstances? Sharp. No more she did, Sir, till I told her. Gay. Very well!-And was this your skill and dexterity? Sharp. I was going to tell you, but you wont hear reason. My melancholy face and piteous narration had such an effect upon her generous bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past. Gay. Does she Sharp? Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your face again; and, as a further consideration for so doing, she has sent you half-a-guinea. [Shows the money. when Gay. What do you mean? Sharp. To spend it, spend it, Sir, and regale. Gay Villain, you have undone me! Sharp. What, by bringing you money, you are not worth a farthing in the whole world? Well, well, then to make you happy again, I'll keep it myself; and wish somebody would take it in their head to load me with such misfortunes. [Puts up the money. Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal? Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed at? ha, ha, ha!-Never for the future. Sir, dispute the success of my negociations, when even you, who know me so well, can't help swallowing my hook. Why, Sir, I could have played with you backwards and forwards, at the end of my line, till had put your senses into such a fermentation, that you should not have known, in an hour's time, whether you was a fish or a man. Gay. Why what is all this you have been telling me? Sharp. A downright lie, from beginning to end. Gay. And have you really excused me to her? Sharp. No, Sir; but I have got this half guinea to make her excuses to you; and instead of a confederacy between you and me to deceive her, she thinks she has brought me over to put the deceit upon you. Gay. Thou excellent fellow. Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the house immediately-the back way, I believe, will be the safest for you-and to her as fast as you can; pretend vast surprise and concern that her indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of her com pany here to-night. You need know no moreaway! Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her maid again. Sharp. The devil she is! I wish I could poison her: for I'm sure while she lives I can never prosper. Enter KITTY. Kitty. Your door was open, so I did not stand upon ceremony. Gay I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken so suddenly Kitty Vapours, vapours only, Sir; a few matrimonial omens, that's all: but I suppose Mr. Sharp has made her excuses. Gay. And tells me I can't have the pleasure of her company to-night. I had made a small preparation; but 'tis no matter: Sharp shall go to the rest of the company, and let them know 'tis put off Gay. Your words have done it effectually, Mrs. G. Ah, my dear Mr. Gayless! [Kisses him. Gay. My dear widow! [Kisses her, Mrs. G. We are come to give you joy, Mr. Gayless; and here's Mr. Guttle come to give you joy-Mr. Gayless, Justice Guttle. Sharp. Oh, destruction! one of the quorum. [Aside. Just. G. Hem! though I had not the honour Kitty. Not for the world, Sir: my mistress was of any personal knowledge of you, yet, at the insensible you must have provided for her, and thestigation of Mrs. Gadabout, I have, without any rest of the company; so she is resolved, though | previous acquaintance with you, thrown aside all she can't the other ladies and gentlemen shall ceremony, to let you know that I joy to hear the partake of your entertainment.-She's very good-solemnization of your nuptials is so near at hand. natured. Sharp. I had better run and let 'em know 'tis deferred. [Going. Kitty. [Stops him.] I have been with 'em already, and told them my mistress insists upon their coming; and they have already promised to be here: so pray don't be under any apprehensions that your preparations will be thrown away. Gay. But as I can't have her company, Mrs. Kitty, 'twill be a great pleasure to me, and a greater compliment to her, to defer our mirth; besides, I can't enjoy any thing at present, and she not partake of it. Kitty. Oh, no, to be sure; but what can I do? My mistress will have it so! and Mrs. Gadabout, and the rest of the company, will be here in a few minutes: there are two or three coachfuls of 'em. Sharp. Then my master must be ruined, in spite of my parts. Gay. "Tis all over, Sharp. [Aside. [Apart. Apart. [Apart. Gay. I shall go distracted! what shall I do? Gay. Sir, though I cannot answer you with the same elocution, however, Sir, I thank you with the same sincerity. Mrs. G. Mr. and Mrs. Trippet, Sir; the properest lady in the world for your purpose, for she'll dance for four-and-twenty hours together. Trip. My dear Charles, I am very angry with you, faith: so near marriage, and not let me know! 'twas harharous. You thought, 1 suppose, I should rally you upon it; but dear Mrs. Trippet here has long ago eradicated all my anti-matrimonial principles. Kitty. Pray ladies, walk into the next room; Mr. Sharp can't lay his cloth till you are set down to cards. Mrs. G. One thing I had quite forgot: Mr. Gayless, my nephew, who you never saw, will be in town from France presently; so I left word to send him here immediately, to make one. Gay. You do me honour, Madam. Sharp. Do the ladies choose cards or supper first? Gay. Supper! What does the fellow mean? [Aside, Just. G. Oh, the supper by all means; for I have eat nothing to signify since dinner. Sharp. Nor I, since last Monday was a fort[Aside. Gay. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room.→→ Sharp get things ready for supper, and call the music. night. Sharp. Well said, master. [Exeunt GAYLESS, TRIPPET, and Ladies, Kitty. I'll to my mistress; and let her know every thing is ready for her appearance. Sharp. Why, Sir, as our rooms are a little out of furniture at present, take 'em into the captain's, that lodges here, and set 'em down to cards: if he should come in the mean time, I'll excuse you to him. [Apart. Kitty. I have disconcerted their affairs, I find. I'll have some sport with them. [Aside.] Pray, Mr. Gayless, don't order too many things: they only make you a friendly visit; the more ceremony, you know, the less welcome. Pray, Sir, let ne entreat you not to be profuse. If I can be of service, pray command me; my mistress has sent me on purpose. While Mr. Sharp is doing the business without doors, I may be employed within. If you'll lend me the keys of your sideboard, I'll dispose of your plate to the best advantage. [To SHARP. Sharp. Thank you Mrs. Kitty; but it is disposed of already. [A knocking. Kitty. Bless me the company's come! I'll go to the door and conduct them into your presence. [Exit. Sharp. If you'd conduct them into a horse-is ready. pond, and wait on them there yourself, we should be more obliged to you. Gay. I can never support this! Sharp. Rouse your spirits, and put on an air of gayety, and I don't despair of bringing you off yet. [Aside, and exit. Just. G. Pray Mr.-what's your name, don't be long with supper:-but harkye, what can I do in the mean time? suppose you get me a pipe and some good wine; I'll try to divert myself that way till supper's ready. Sharp. Or suppose, Sir, you was to take a nap till then: there's a very easy couch in that closet. Just. G. The best thing in the world! I'll take your advice; but be sure to wake me when supper [Exit. Sharp. Pray heaven, you may not wake till then! What a fine situation my master is in at present! I have promised him my assistance; but his affairs are in so desperate a way, that I am afraid 'tis out of my skill to recover them. Well, "Fools have fortune," says an old proverb, and a very true one it is; for my master and I are two | Re-enter GAYLESS, TRIPPET, and MRS. GADA of the most unfortunate mortals in the creation. BOUT, with MELISSA, in boys' clothes, dressed in the French manner. Re-enter GAYLESS. Gay. Well, Sharp, I have set them down to cards; and now what have you to propose? Sharp. I have one scheme left, which in all probability may succeed. The good citizen, overloaded with his last meal, is taking a nap in that closet, in order to get him an appetite for yours. I'll pick his pocket, and provide us a supper with the booty. Gay. Monstrous! for, without considering the villany of it, the danger of waking him makes it impracticable. Sharp. If he wakes, I'll smother him, and lay his death to indigestion: a very common death among the justices. Gay. Pr'ythee, be serious; we have no time to lose. Can you invent nothing to drive them out of the house? Sharp. I can fire it. Gay. Shame and confusion so perplex me, I cannot give myself a moment's thought. Sharp. I have it; did not Mrs. Gadabout say her nephew would be here? Gay. She did. Sharp. Say no more, but in to your company. If I don't send them out of the house for the night, I'll at least frighten their stomachs away; and if this stratagem fails, I'll relinquish politics, and think my understanding no better than my neighbours. Gay. How shall I reward thee, Sharp? Re-enter GAYLESS, TRIPPET, and the LADIES, Sharp. Matter, Sir! If you don't run this mi- Gay. Draw, Sir, and follow me. Mrs. G. Well, but my dear Jemmy, you are not hurt, sure? Mel. A little, with riding post only. Mrs. G. Mr. Sharp alarmed us all, with an account of your being set upon by four men; that you had killed two, and was attacking the other when he came away; and when we met you at the door, we were running to your rescue. Mel. I had a small rencounter with half a dozen villains; but finding me resolute they were wise enough to take to their heels. I believe I scratched some of them. [Lays her hand to her sword. I Sharp. His vanity has saved my credit. have a thought come into my head may prove to our advantage, provided Monsieur's ignorance [Aside. bears any proportion to his impudence. Mrs. G. Now my fright is over, let me intro- Gay. Sir, I shall be proud of your friendship. Just. G. Pray, Sir, what news in France? Gay. Among the ladies, I suppose 3 Mel. Too much indeed. Faith I have not philosophy enough to resist their solicitations. Mel. Poor Gayless! to what shifts is he re- [Apart to MRS. GADABOUT, Trip. Shall we return to our cards? I have Ladies. With all my heart. [As they go out, SHARP pulls MELISSA Sharp. Sir, sir, shall I beg leave to speak with Mel. What between here and Dover, do you mean? Sharp. No, Sir, within twenty or thirty yards of this house. Mel. You are drunk, fellow. Sharp. I am undone, Sir, but not drunk, I'll assure you. Mel. What is all this? Sharp. I'll tell you, Sir: a little while ago my master sent me out, to change a note of twenty pounds; but I unfortunately hearing a noise in the street of "damme, Sir!" and clashing of swords, and "rascal" and "murder!" I runs up to the place, and saw four men upon one; and having heard you was a mettlesome young gentleman, I immediately concluded it must be you . 2 so ran back to call my master; and when I went | his master's serivce. There never sure was a to look for the note, to change it, I found it gone, more faithful servant to his master, or a greater either stole or lost and if I don't get the money rogue to the rest of mankind. But here he comes immediately, I shall certainly be turned out of again. The plot thickens. I'll in and observe my place, and lose my character. Gayless. [Exit. Mel. I shall laugh in his face. [Aside.] Oh, I'll speak to your master about it, and he will forgive you at my intercession. Sharp. Ah, Sir! you don't know my master. Mel. I'm very little acquainted with him, but I have heard he's a very good natured man. Sharp. I have heard so too, but I have felt it otherwise; he has so much good nature, that if I could compound for one broken head a day, I should think myself very well off. Mel. Are you serious, friend? Sharp. Lookye, Sir, Í take you for a man of honour; there is son.ething in your face that is generous, open, and masculine; you don't look like a foppish, effeminate tell-tale; so I'll venture to trust you. See here, Sir, these are the effects of my master's good nature. [Shows his head. Mel. Matchless impudence! (Aside.] Why do you live with him then, after such usage? Sharp. He's worth a great deal of money; and when he's drunk, which is commonly once a day, he's very free, and will give me any thing! but I design to leave him when he's married, for all that. Mel. Is he going to be married then? Sharp. To-morrow, Sir; and between you and I, he'll meet with his match, both for humour and something else too. Mel. What, she drinks too? Sharp. Damnably, Sir; but mum. You must know this entertainment was designed for Madam to-night; but she got so very gay after dinner, that she could not walk out of her own house; so her maid, who was half gone too, came here with an excuse, that Mrs. Melissa had got the vapours; and so she had indeed violently, here, here, Sir. [Points to his head. Mel. This is scarcely to be borne. [Aside.] Melissa! I have heard of her: they say she's very whimsical. Sharp. A very woman, and please your honour; and between you and I, none of the mildest and wisest of her sex. But to return, Sir, to the twenty pounds. Mel. I am surprised, you, who have got so much money in his service, should be at a loss for twenty pounds, to save your bones at this juncture. Sharp. I have put all my money out at interest; I never keep above five pounds by me; and if your honour would lend me the other fifteen, and take my note for it[A knocking. Mel. Somebody's at the door. Mel. Don't let the people wait, [Å knocking. Re-enter SHARP, before several Persons with Dishes in their hands, and a Cook, drunk. Sharp. Fortune, I thank thee; the most lucky accident! [Aside.] This way, gentlemen, this way. Cook. I am afraid I have mistook the house. Is this Mr. Treatwell's? Sharp. The same, the same. What, don't you know me? Cook. Know you?-Are you sure there was a supper bespoke here? I'll draw a Sharp. Yes; upon my honour, Mr. Cook: the company is in the next room, and must have gone table. I see you have brought a cloth with you; without had not you brought it. but you need not have done that, for we have a very good stock of linen-at the pawnbroker's. [Aside, and exit; but returns immediately, quick. The company begin to be very uneasy; drawing in a table.] Come, come, my boys, be but I knew my old friend Lickspit here would not fail us. Cook. Lickspit! I am ro friend of yours, so I desire less familiarity.-Lickspit too! Re-enter GAYLESS. Gay. What is all this? [Apart to Sharp. Sharp. Sir, if the sight of the supper is offensive, I can easily have it removed. [Apart. Gay. Pr'ythee, explain thyself Sharp. [Apart. Sharp. Some of our neighbours, I suppose, have bespoke this supper; but the cook has drank away his memory, forgot the house, and brought it here: however, Sir, if you dislike it, I'll tell him of his mistake, and send him about his business. [Apart. Gay. Hold, hold, necessity obliges me against my inclination to favour the cheat, and feast at my neighbour's expense. [Apart. Cook. Hark you, friend, is that your master? [To SHARP, Sharp, Ay, and the best master in the world. Cook. I'll speak to him then.-Sir, I have, according to your commands, dressed as genteel a supper as my art and your price would admit of. [TO GAY. Sharp. Good again, Sir! 'tis paid for. [Apart to GAY. Gay. I don't in the least question your abilities, Mr. Cook; and I am obliged to you for your care. Cook. Sir, you are a gentleman; and if you would but look over the bill, and approve it, you will over and above return the obligation. [Pulls out a bill. Sharp. Oh, the devil! [A knocking. Mel. Je ne puis pas. Sharp. Je ne puis pas. I find we shan't understand one another; I do but lose time; and if I had any thought, I might have known these young fops return from their travels generally with as little money as improvement. [Exit. Mel. Ha, ha, ha! What lies does this fellow mvent, and what rogueries does he commit, for Cook. I'll spare him that trouble, and take it with me, Sir. I never work but for ready money. Gay. Ha! Sharp. Then you wont have our custom. [Aside. My master is busy now, friend. Do you think he wont pay you? Cook. No matter what I think; either my meat or my money. Sharp. "Twill be very ill-convenient for him to pay you to-night. Cork. Then I'm afraid it will be ill-convenient to pay me to-morrow; so, d'ye hear Re-enter MELISSA. Gay. Pr'ythee, be advised.-'Sdeath, I shall be discovered! [Takes the COOK aside. Mel. What's the matter? [To SHARP. Sharp. The cook has not quite answered my master's expectations about the supper, Sir, and he's a little angry at him; that's all." Mel. Come, come, Mr. Gayless, don't be uneasy; a bachelor cannot be supposed to have things in the utmost regularity; we don't expect it. Cook. But I do expect it, and will have it. Mel. What does this drunken fool say? Cook. That I will have my money, and I wont stay till to-morrow, and- -and Sharp. Hold, hold! what are you doing? are you mad? [Runs and stops his mouth. Mel. What do you stop the man's breath for? Sharp. Sir, he was going to call you names. Don't be abusive, cook; the gentleman is a man of honour, and said nothing to you. Pray be pacified. You are in liquor. Cook. I will have my Sharp. [Still holding.] Why, I tell you, fool, you mistake the gentleman; he is a friend of my master's, and has not said a word to you.Pray, good Sir, go into the next room. The fellow's drunk, and takes you for another. [To MELISSA. You'll repent this when you are sober, friend.-Pray, Sir, don't stay to hear his imperti nence. Gay. Pray, Sir, walk in. He's below your anger. [TO MELISSA. Mel. Damn the rascal! what does he mean by affronting me?—Let the scoundrel go; I'll polish his brutality, I warrant you. Here's the best reformer of manners in the universe. [Draws his sword.] Let him go, I say. Sharp. So, so, you have done finely now.-Get away as fast as you can. He's the most courageous, mettlesome man in all England. Why, if his passion was up, he could eat you.Make your escape you fool. Cook. I wont.-Eat me! He'll find me damned hard of digestion, though. you. Sharp. Pr'ythee, come here; let me speak with [Takes Cook aside. Re-enter KITTY. Kitty. Gad's me! Is supper on the table already-Sir, pray defer it for a few minutes; my mistress is much better, and will be here immediately. Gay. Will she, indeed? Bless me, I did not expect-but however-Sharp! Kitty. What success, Madam? [Apart to MELISSA. Mel. As we could wish, girl: but he is in such pain and perplexity, I can't hold it out much lon ger. Kitty. Ay, and that holding out is the ruin of half our sex. Sharp. I have pacified the cook; and if you can but borrow twenty pieces of that young prig, all may go well. You may succeed, though I could not. Remember what I told you. -About it straight, Sir. [Apart to GAYLESS. Gay Sir, sir, I beg to speak a word with you. To MELISSA.] My servant, Sir, tells me he has had the misfortune, Sir, to lose a note of mine of twenty pounds, which I sent him to receive; and the bankers' shops being shut up, and having very little cash by me, I should be very much obliged to you, if you would favour me with twenty pieces till to-morrow. Mel. Oh, Sir, with all my heart: [Takes out her purse.] and as I have a small favour to beg of you, Sir, the obligation will be mutual. Gay. How may I oblige you, Sir? Mel. You are to be married, I hear, to Melissa { Gay. To-morrow, Sir. Mel. Then you'll'oblige me, Sir, by never seeing her again. Gay. Do you call this a small favour, Sir? Mel. A mere trifle, Sir. Breaking of contracts, suing for divorces, committing adultery, and such like are all reckoned trifles now-a-days; and smart young fellows, like you and myself, Gayless, should be never out of fashion. Gay. But pray, Sir, how are you concerned in this atlair? Mel. Oh, Sir, you must know I have a very great regard for Melissa, and indeed she for me; and, by the by, I have a most despicable opinion of you; for, entre nous, I take you, Charles, to be a very great scoundrel. Gay. Sir! Mel. Nay, don't look fierce, Sir, and give yourself airs-damme, Sir, I shall be through your body else in the snapping of a finger, Gay. I'll be as quick as you, villain. [Draws, and makes at MELISSA. Kitty. Hold, hold, murder! you'll kill my mistress-the young gentleman, I mean, Gay. Ah! her mistress! [Drops his sword. Sharp. How! Melissa! Nay, then drive away, cart; all's over now. Enter all the Company, laughing. Mrs. G. What, Mr. Gayless, engaging with Melissa before your time? Ha, ha, ha! Kitty. Your humble servant, good Mr. Politi cian. [To SHARP. This is, gentlemen and ladies, the most celebrated and ingenious Timothy Sharp, schemer-general and redoubted squire to the most renowned and fortunate adventurer, Charles Gayless, knight of the woeful countenance-ha, ha, ha!-Oh that dismal face, and more dismal head of yours! [Strikes SHARP upon the head. Sharp. 'Tis cruel in you to disturb a man in his last agonies. Mel. Now, Mr. Gayless!-What. not a word? You are sensible I can be no stranger to your misfortunes, and I might reasonably expect an excuse for your ill treatment of me. Gay. No, Madam, silence is my only refuge; for to endeavour to vindicate my crimes, would show a greater want of virtue, than even the commission of them. Mel. Oh, Gayless! 'twas poor to impose upon a woman, and one that loved you too. Gay. Oh, most unpardonable; but my neces sities-- Sharp. And mine, Madam, were not to be matched, I'm sure, o'this side starving. Mel. His tears have softened ine at once. [Aside.] Your necessities, Mr. Gayless, with such real contrition, are too powerful motives not to affect the breast already prejudiced in your favour.-You have suffered too much already for your extravagance; and as I take part in your |