FORTUNE'S FROLIC: A FARCE, IN TWO ACTS. Snacks. Well, Sir, I see you are come; and what then? What are you come for, Sir? Frank. The termination of the lawsuit which you have so long carried on against me, owing to my entire inability to prosecute it any further, has thrown me into difficulties which I cannot surmount without your kind assistance. VOL. I.... 2 R 27 Snacks. Very pretty, indeed! You are a very modest man, Mr. Frank: you've spent your last shilling in quarrelling with me, and now you want me to help you. Frank. The farm called Hundred Acres is at present untenanted-I wish to rent it. Snacks. You wish to rent it, do you? And pray, Sir, where's your money? And what do you know about farming? ply Frank. I have studied agriculture; and, with care, have no doubt of being able to pay my rent regularly. Snacks. But I have a great doubt about it.-No, no, Sir: do you think I'm so unmindful of his lordship's interest as to let his land to a poor novice like you? It wont do, Mr. Frank; I can't think of it-Good day, friend; good day. [Showing him the door. Frank. My necessities, SirSnacks. I have nothing to do with your necessities, Sir; I have other business-Good dayThere's the door. Frank. Unfeeling wretch! Snacks. What! 1 as you for a father. Snacks, your wife most certainly made a cuckold of you; it could not be else. Snacks. Impudent rascal! Rat. But it signifies not who her father is; Miss Nancy is lovely, and I'll marry her. Let me seefive thousand pounds you promised; yes, you shall give her that on the wedding-day. You have been a steward a long time; that sum must be a mere flea-bite to you. thou sordid man, 'tis for myself I sue-my wife, my children-'tis for them I ask your aid, or else my pride had never stooped so low! my honest poverty is no disgrace: your ill-gotten gold gives you no advantage over me; for I had rather feel my heart beat freely, as it does now, than know that I possessed your wealth, and load it with the crimes entailed upon it. [Exit. Snacks. A mighty fine speech, truly! I think I'll try if I can't lower your tone a little, my fine, Snacks. I rather think I shall never give her a blustering fellow: I'll have you laid by the heels farthing if she marries such a paltry fellow as you. before night for this. Proud as you are, you'll Rat. Why lookye; I'm a lively spark, with a have time to reflect in a jail, and bring down your good deal of fire in me, and it is not a little matter spirit a little. But come, let me see what my let-that will put me out where others sink, I rise: ter says. What a deal of time I've lost with that and this opposition of yours will only serve to beggar! [Reads. blow me into a blaze that will burn you up to Sir-This is to inform you that my Lord cinder. I'm up to your gossip; I'm not to be had. Lackwit died an heir to his estate- -his lordship never acknowledged her as his wifeson called Robin Roughead-Robin is the legal heir to the estate-to put him in immediate possession, according to his lordship's last will and testament. Yours to command, Snacks. No, nor my daughter's not to be had, | Enter Miss NANCY. Ah, my sweet, little, rural angel! How fares it KIT CODICIL, Attorney at law. Here's a catastrophe! Robin Roughead a lord! My stewardship has done pretty well for me already, but I think I shall make it do better now. I know this Robin very well; he's devilish cunning, I'm afraid; but I'll tickle him. He shall marry my daughter-then I can do as 1 please. To be sure I have given my promise to Rattle; but what of that? he hasn't got it under my hand.me I think I had better tell Robin this news at once; it will make him mad-and then I shall do as please with him. Ay, ay, I'll go. How unfortunate that I did not make friends with him before! He has no great reason to like me; I never gave him any thing but hard words.[RATTLE sings without.] Confound it, here's that fellow Rattle coming. Enter RATTLE. Rat. Ah, my old daddy! how are you? What! have you got the mumps can't you speak? Snacks. I wish you had the mumps, and could not speak. What do you old daddy me for? Rat. Why, father-in-law: curse me but you are most conceitedly crusty to-day; what's the matter with you? why you are as melancholy as a lame duck. Snacks. The matter is-that I am sick. Snacks. A surfeit: I've had too much of you. Snacks. But you haven't married her yet. Snacks. Can't remember any such thing, Rat. And so is a short stick; and I've a great mind to try the utility of it now. I tell you what, Snacks,I always thought you was a damned old rascal, but now I'm sure of it: it's no matter, though: I'll marry your daughter notwithstanding. Snacks. You will-will you? Rat. Yes, Snacks, I will; for I love her. I wonder how the devil such a pretty girl ever came to have such a queer, little, shrivelled, old mopstick Rat. Indeed! give me a kiss then. I love you well enough to marry you without a farthing; but I think I may as well have the five thousand pounds, if it's only to tease old Long-purse. Nan. Oh, you know you have his promise for that. Rat. Yes, but he says he has forgot all about that, though it was no longer ago than yesterday; and he says I sha'n't have you. Nan. Does he, indeed? Rat. Yes; but never mind that. Nan. I thought you said you loved me? Nan. Then why are you not sorry that my father wont give his consent? Rat. His consent! I have got yours and my own, and I'll soon manage him. Don't you remember how I frightened him one night, when I came to visit you by stealth, dressed like a ghost, which he thinks haunts the castle? Oh! I'll turn that to account. I know he's very superstitious, and easily frightened into any thing. Come, let's take a walk, and plot how I, your knight-errant, shall deliver you from this haunted castle. [Exeunt. SCENE II.—A Corn-field. ROBIN ROUGHEAD discovered, binding up a sheaf Rob. Ah! work, work, work, all day long, and no such thing as stopping a moment to rest! for there's old Snacks the steward, always upon the look out; and if he sees one, slap he has it down in his book, and then there's sixpence gone plump. [Coming forward.] I do hate that old chap, and that's the truth on't. Now, if I was lord of this place, I'd make one rule there should be no such thing as work; it should be one long holiday all the year round. Your great folks have strange whims in their heads, that's for sartin. I don't know what to make of 'un, not 1. Now there's all yon great park there, kept for his lordship to look at, and his lordship has not seen it these twelve yearsAh! if it was mine, I'd let all the villagers turn their cows in there, and it should not cost 'em a farthing; then, as the parson said last Sunday, I should be as rich as any in the land, for I should have the blessings of the poor. Dang it! here comes Snacks. Now I shall get a fine jobation, I suppose. Enter SNACKS, bowing very obsequiously; ROBIN takes his hat off, and stands staring at him. Rob. I be main tired, Master Snacks; so I stopt to rest myself a little; I hope you'll excuse it.I wonder what the dickens he's grinning at. [Aside. Snacks. Excuse it! I hope your lordship's infinite goodness and condescension will excuse your lordship's most obsequious, devoted, and very humble servant, Timothy Snacks, who is come into the presence of your lordship, for the purpose of informing your lordship Rob. Lordship! he, he, he! Ecod! I never knew as I had a hump before. Why, Master Snacks, you grow funny in your old age. Snacks. No, my lord, I know my duty better; I should never think of being funny with a lord." Rob. What lord? Oh, you mean the Lord Harry I suppose. No, no, must not be too funny with him, or he'll be after playing the very devil with you. Snacks. I say, I should never think of jesting with a person of your lordship's dignified character. Rob. Did-dig-What! Why now I look at you, I see how it is: you are mad. I wonder what quarter the moon's in. Lord! how your eyes roll! I never saw you so before.- -How came they to let you out alone? Snacks. Your lordship is most graciously pleased to be facetious. Rob. Why, what gammon are you at?-Don't come near me, for you have been bit by a mad dog; I'm sure you have. Snacks. If your lordship, will be so kind as to read this letter, it would convince your lordship Will your lordship condescend? Rob. Why, I would condescend, but for a few reasons, and one of 'em is, that I can't read. Snacks. I think your lordship is perfectly right; for these pursuits are too low for one of your lordship's nobility. Rob. Lordship, and lordship again! I'll tell you what, Master Snacks-let's have no more of your fun, for I wont stand it any longer, for all you be steward here: my nome's Robin Roughead, and if you don't choose to call me by that name, I sha'n't answer you, that's flat.-Aside.] I don't like him well enough to stand his jokes. Snacks. Why then, Master Robin, be so kind as to attend whilst I read this letter. [Reads. Sir,-This is to inform you, that my Lord Lackwit died this morning, after a very short illness; during which he declared that he had been married, and had an heir to his estate: the woman he married was commonly called or known by the name of Roughead: she was poor and illiterate, and, through motives of shame, his lordship never acknowledged her as his wife : she has been dead some time since, and left behind her a son called Robin Roughead: now this said Robin is the legal heir to the estats. I have therefore sent you the necessary writings to put him into immediate possession, according to his lordship's last will and testament. Yours to command, KIT CODICIL, Attorney at Law. Rob. What!- -What all mine? the houses, the trees, the fields, the hedges, the ditches, the gates, the horses, the dogs, the cats, the cocks and the hens, and the cows and the bulls, and the pigs and the-What! are they all mine? and I, Robin Roughead, am the rightful lord of all this estate! -Don't keep me a minute now, but tell me it is so-Make haste, tell me-quick, quick! Snacks. I repeat it, the whole estate is yours. Rob. Huzza! Huzza! [Catches off SNACKS' hat and wig.] Set the bells a ringing; set the ale a running; make every body drunk-if there's a sober man to be found any where to-day he shall be put in the stocks. Go get my hat full of guineas to make a scramble with; call all the tenants together. I'll lower the rents-I'I— Snacks. I hope your lordship will do me the favour to Rob. Why, that may be as it happens; I can't tell. [Carelessly. Snacks. Will your lordship dine at the castle to-day? Rob. Yes. Snacks. What would your lordship choose for dinner? Rob. Beef-steaks and onions, and plenty of 'em. Snacks. Beef-steaks and onions! What a dish for a lord!-He'll be a savoury bit for my daughter, though. [Aside. Rob. What are you at there, Snacks? Go, get me the guineas-make haste; I'll have the scramble, and then I'll go to Dolly, and tell her the news. Snacks. Dolly! Pray, my lord, who's Dolly? Rob. Why Dolly, is to be my lady, and your mistress, if I find you honest enough to keep you in my employ. Snacks. He rather smokes me. I have a beauteous daughter, who is allowed to be the very pink of perfection. Rob. Damn your daughter! I have got some thing else to think of: don't talk to me of your daughter; stir your stumps, and get the money. Snacks. I am your lordship's most obsequious -Zounds! what a peer of the realm. [Aside; erit. Rob. Ha, ha, ha! What work I will make in the village-Work! no, there shall be no such a thing as work: it shall be all play.-Where shall I go? I'll go to-No, I wont go there; I'll go to Farmer Hedgestake's, and tell him-No, I'll not go there;-I'll go to-Damn it, I'll go no where; yes, I will; I'll go every where; I'll be neither here, nor there, nor any where else. How pleased Dolly will be when she hears— 1 Enter VILLAGERS, shouting. Dick, Tom, Jack, how are you, my lads? Here's news for you! Come stand round, make a ring, and I'll make a bit of a speech to you, [They all get round him.] First of all, I suppose Snacks has told you that I'm your landlord? Vil. We are all glad of it. Rob. So am I; and I'll make you all happy : I'll lower all your rents. All. Huzza! Long live Lord Robin! Snacks. I have brought your lordship the money. He means to make 'em fly, so I have taken care the guineas shall be all light. [Aside Rob. Now then, young and old, great and small, little and tell, merry men all, here's among you[Throws the money; they scramble.] Now you've got your pockets filled, come to the castle, and I'll fill all your bellies for you. [Villagers carry him off, shouting; SNACKS follows. SCENE III-Inside of a neat Cottage; table spread for Dinner. MARGERY and DOLLY discovered. Dol. There now, dinner's all ready, and I wish Robin would come. Do you think I may take up the dumplings, mother? Mar. Ay, ay, take 'em up; I warrant him he'll soon be here--he's always in pudding-time. Dol. And well he may, for I'm sure you keep him sharp set enough. Mar. Hold your tongue, you baggage! He pays me but five shillings a week for board, lodg ing, and washing-I suppose he's not to be kept like a lord for that, is he? I wonder how you'll keep him when you get married, as you talk of! Dol. Oh, we shall contrive to make both ends meet! and we shall do very well, I dare say: for Robin loves me, and I loves Robin dearly. Mar. Yes; but all your love wont keep the pot boiling, and Robin 's as poor as Job. Dol. La, now, mother, don't be so cross !-Oh dear, the dinner will get cold, and the dumplings will be quite spoiled; I wish Robin would come. [Robin sings without.] Oh, here he comes, in one of his merry humours. Enter ROBIN; he cools himself with his hat, then sings and dances. Why, Robin, what's the matter with you? Rob. What! you haven't heard then? Oh, I'm glad of that! for I shall have the fun of telling you. Dol. Well, sit down then, and eat your dinner; I have made you some nice hard dumplings. Rob. Dumplings! Damn dumplings. Dol. Damn dumplings-La, mother, he damns dumplings.-Oh, what a shame! Do you know what you are saying, Robin ? Dol. How did you come by that, Robin ? Mar What, a purse of gold? let me see.. [Snatches it, and sits down to count the money. Dol. What have you been about Robin? Rob. No, I have not been about robbing; I have been about being made a lord of, that's all. Dol. What are you talking about? Your head's turn'd, I'm sure. Rob. Well, I know it's turn'd; it's turned from a clown's head to a lord's. I say, Dolly, how should you like to live in that nice place at the top of the hill yonder? Dol. Oh, I should like it very much, Robin; it is a nice cottage. Rob. Doant talk to me of cottages, I mean the castle! tuous woman. Dol. Why, what is your head running upon ? Mar. Every one golden guineas, as I'm a var Where did you get 'em, Robin ? Rob. Why, where there's more to be had. Mar. Ay, I always said Robin was a clever lad. I'll go and put these by. [Exit. Dol. Now, do tell me what you've been about, Where did you find all that money? Rob. Dolly, Dolly, gee'us a buss, and I'll tell thee all about it. Dol. Twenty, an' you pleasen, Robin.. Rob. First then, you must know that I am the cleverest fellow in all these parts. Dol. Well, I know'd that afore. Rob. But I'll tell you how it is-it's because I am the richest fellow in all these parts; and if I haven't it here, I have it here-[Pointing to his head and his pocket.] That castle 's mine, and all these fields, up to the very sky. Dol. No, no; come, Robin, that wont do. Rob. Wont it?-I think it will do very well. Dol. No, no; you are running your rigs-1 know you are, Robin. Rob. It's all true, Dolly, as sure as the devil's in Lunnun. Dol. What are you in right down arnest ? Rob. Yes, I am-his lordship's dead, and he has left word as how that my mother was his wife, and I his son. Dol. What! Rob. Yes, Dolly, and you shall be my lady. Dol. No! Shall I ? Rob. Yes, you shall. Dol. Ecod, that will be fine fun-my lady- Dol. Lady Roughead! How it sounds !—Ha, Rob. Never talk to me of dumplings. Mar. But I'll talk of dumplings though, indeed, I should'nt have thought of such behaviour: dumplings are very wholesome food, quite good enough for you, I'm sure. [Very angry. Dol. Oh, my dear Robin, I can't help laughing [Upsets the to think of Lady Roughead. and sings.] Rob. Doantye laugh so; I don't half like it. |[Shakes her.] Dolly' Rob. Are they, mother Margery table, and dances on the plates, &c. Tol de rol lol. Mar. Oh dear! the boy 's mad; there's all my crockery gone! [Picking up the pieces. Dol. [Crying.] I did not think you could have used us so; I am quite ashamed of you, Robin! Rob. Now doantye cry now, Dolly; doantye cry. Dol. I will cry, for you behave very ill. Rob No, doantye, Dolly, doantye, now. [Shows a purse. Rob. The wench will go beside herself to a sartainty. Dol. But now is it true in arnest? Rob. Ay, as sure as you are there. But come, what shall we do? where shall we go? Oh! we'll go and see old mother Dickens; you know she took my part, and was very kind to me when poor mother died; and now she's very ill, and I'm go and give her something to comfort her old soul. Lord! Lord! I have heard people say as riches wont make a body happy; but while it gives me | man for paying his debts. Besides, if you only the power of doing so much good, I'm sure I shall knowed how I feel all o'er me-it's a kind of abe the happiest dog alive. [Exeunt. I could cry for joy. ACT II. SCENE I-The Roud to the Castle. Enter MR. FRANK. Frank. Well, then, to the house of wo I must return again. And can I take no comfort with me? nothing to cheer my loving wife and helpless children? What misery to see them want! Enter ROBIN, unobserved by FRANK. Rob. Want! No, there shall be no such thing as want where I am-Who talks of want? Frank. My own distress I could bear well, very well; but to see my helpless innocents enduring all the woes poverty brings with it, is more than I can bear. Rob. And more than I can bear too. [Throws his hat upon the ground, and takes money out of his pocket, which he throws into it. Frank. To-day I almost fear they have not tasted food. Rob. And I ha' been stuffing my damned guts enough to make 'em burst. [Drops more money into his hat. Frank. How happy once my state! Where'er I turned my eyes, good fortune smiled upon me; then, did the poor e'er tell a tale of wo without relief? Were not my doors open to the unfortunate? Frank. Thank you my kind lad. But what reason have you? Rob. What reason have I? Why, you gave me when I wanted it. Frank. I can't remember. Rob. Mayhap not; but that's no reason as I should forget it; it's a long time ago, too; but it made such a mark here, that time wont rub it out. It's now fourteen years sin' poor mother died; she was very ill one day when you happened to come by our cottage, and saw me stand blubbering at the door; I was then about this high. You took me by the hand; and I shall never forget the look you gave me, when you axed me what was the matter with me; and when I told you, you called me a good lad, and went in and talked to mother. From that time you came to see her every day, and gave her all the help as you could; and when she died, poor soul! you buried her: and if ever I forget such kindness, I hope good luck will for ever forget me! Frank. Tell me your name; it will remind me. Rob. Robin Roughead, your honour; to-day I be come to be lord of all this estate; and the first good I find of it is, that I am able to make you happy-Stuffing the money into his pockets.] Come up to the castle, and I'll give you as much money as you can carry away in a sack. Frank. Proud wealth, look here for an example! My generous heart, how shall I thank you? Rob. Lord! Lord! doant think of thanking a Frank. What sympathy is in that honest bosom! But how has this good fortune come to you? Rob. Why, that poor woman as you buried was wife to his lordship: he has owned it on his death-bed, and left word as I'm his son. Frank. How strange are the vicissitudes of life! Rob. Now, Sir, I am but a simple lad, as a body may say; and if you will but be so good as to help we with your advice, I shall take it very kind of you, Sir. Frank. I thank you for the good opinion you have of me; and as far as my poor abilities go, they shall be at your service. Rob. Thank ye, Sir, thank ye! But pray what bad luck made you so devilish poor? Frank. It would take a long time to tell you the story of my misfortunes; but I owe them to the oppression of Mr. Snacks, the steward. Rob. Snacks! Oh, damn un! I'll do for him soon: he's rotten here, Master Frank: I do think as how he's a damned old rogue. Frank. Judge not too harshly. Rob. Come, Sir, will you go up to the castle? Frank. Excuse me; the relief which you have so generously given me, enables me to return to my family. Rob. Well, but you'll come back? Frank. To-morrow. Rob. No-to-night-Doo'e favour me; I want to speak to you. Frank. I have a long way to walk, and it will be very late before I can return; but I will refuse you nothing. Rob. Thank ye, Sir; you're very kind; I shall stay till you come, if it's all night. [Exeunt. Enter RATTLE. Rat. Well, every thing 's prepared for my attack on the castle to-night; and 1 dont much fear but I shall find means to terrify the enemy, and make him surrender at discretion-Yes, yes, Master Snacks, I shall soon be with you. [Shouting, music, and ringing of bells without.] What a damned racket here is in the village to-day!-I wonder what it's all about? Enter ROBIN. Holloa, there! Stop, my fine fellow. Pray can you tell me what all this uproar is about in the village? Rob. Why, you be Master Rattle from Lunnun. Rat. Well, I don't want to be told that. Rob. Gee us your hand, Rattle, thou bee'st a damned honest fellow, and I like thee; I do indeed. Rat. Very familiar, upon my word. Rob. I liked you ever sin' you let old Toppin have the three pounds to pay his rent with; and now whilst I think on't, here 'tis again—take it, for I wont let any body give away money here but myself. Rat. Why, what in the name of wonder is all this? What are you at? I think I'll open a shop here for the sale of bad debts. Rob. Here, take the money. Rat. Put it up, my fine fellow! you'll want it, perhaps. Rob. Me want money! Shall I lend you an odd thousand, and set you up in a shop! |