Or fighting convoys of provifion, The whole defign o' th' expedition, And not with downright blows to rout The enemy, but eat them out: As fighting in all beafts of prey, And eating, are perform'd one way, To give defiance to their teeth,
Though fome have done it in romances, And bang'd them into amorous fancies; As thofe who won the Amazons, By wanton drubbing of their bones; And ftout Rinaldo gain'd his bride By courting of her back and fide.
325 But, fince thofe times and feats are over, They are not for a modern lover, When mittreffes are too croi-grain'd By fuch addreffes to be gain'd; And if they were, would have it out With many another kind of bout. Therefore I hold no courfe fo infeasible, As this of force, to win the Jezabel, To ftorm her heart, by th' antic charm Of ladies errant, force of arms: But rather strive by law to win her, And try the title you have in her.
And fight their stubborn guts to death; And thofe atchieve the high'it renown, That bring the other ftomachs down. There's now no fear of wounds nor maiming, Ali dangers are reduc'd to famine, And feats of arms, to plot, design, Surprize, and ftratagem, and mine; But have no need nor ufe of courage, Unless it be for glory' or forage: For if they fight, 'tis but by chance, When one fide venturing to advance, And come uncivilly too near, Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' rear, And forc'd, with terrible refiftance, To keep hereafter at a distance; To pick out ground t' incamp upon, Where ftore of largest rivers run,
That ferve, instead of peaceful barriers,
To part th' engagements of their warriors; Where both from fide to fide may skip, And only' enconnter at bo-peep: For men are found the flouter-hearted, The certainer they 're to be parted, And therefore poft themselves in bogs, As th' ancient mice attack'd the frogs, And made their mortal enemy, The water-rat, their ftrict ally.
For 'tis not now who 's ftout and bold? But who bears hunger beft, and cold? And he's approv'd the most deserving, Who longest can hold out at starving; And he that routs moft pigs and cows, The formidableft man of prowefs, So th' Emperor Caligula,
That triumph'd o'er the British fea, Took crabs and oyfters prifoners, And lobsters, 'ftead of cuiraffiers; Engag'd his legions in fierce buftles, With periwinkles, prawns, and muffels, And led his troops with furious gallops, To charge whole regiments of fcallops; Not like their ancient way of war, To wait on his triumphal car; But, when he went to dine or sup,
Your cafe is clear, you have her word And me to witness the accord; Befides two more of her retinue To teftify what pafs'd between you;
More probable, and like to hold, Than band, or feal, or breaking gold, For which fo many, that renounc'd
Their plighted contracts, have been trounce, And bills upon record been found, That forc'd the ladies to compound; And that, unless I miss the matter, Is all the bufinefs you look after. Befides, encounters at the bar Are braver now than those in war, In which the law does execution, With lefs d:forder and confufion; Has more of honour in 't, fome held, Not like the new way, but the old, When thofe the pen had drawn together, Decided quarrels with the feather, And winged arrows kill'd as dead, And more than bullets now of lead: So all their combats now, as then, Are manag'd chiefly by the pen ; That does the feat, with braver vigours, In words at length, as well as figures; Is judge of all the world performs In voluntary feats of arms,
365 And, whatfoe'er 's atchiev'd in fight, Determines which is wrong or right: For, whether you prevail or lofe, All must be try'd there in the clofe; And therefore 'tis not wife to fhun What you must trust to ere ye 've done. The law, that fettles all you do, And marries where you did but wooe; That makes the most perfidious lover, A lady, that 's as falfe, recover; And, if it judge upon your fide, Will foon extend her for your bride, And put her perfon, goods, or lands, Or which you like heft, int' your hands. For law's the wifdom of all ages, And managed by the ableft fages:
More bravely ate his captives up.
And left all war, by his example,
Reduc'd to victualling of a camp well.
Quoth Ralph, By all that you have faid, And twice as much that I could add,
'Tis plain you cannot now do worse
Than take this out-of-fashion'd course;
To hope, by ftratagem, to wooe her,
Or waging battle to fubdue her;
Ver. 328.] The other's flemachs, edition 1700, Who, though their bufinefs at the bar
Be but a kind of civil war,
Our Common-wealth, the Caufe, and fide; 450 And, though we 're all as near of kindred,
As th' outward man is to the inward, We agree in nothing, but to wrangle About the flightest fingle-fangle; While lawyers have more fober fenfe, Than t' argue at their own expence, But make their best advantages Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss; And, out of foreign controverfies, By aiding both fides, fill their purses; But have no intereft in the caufe
For which they' engage, and wage the laws, Nor further profpect than their pay, Whether they lofe or win the day. And, though they' abounded in all ages With fundry learned clerks and fages; Though all their business be dispute, Which way they canvass every fuit, They 've no difputes about their art, Nor in polemics controvert; While all profeffions elfe are found With nothing but difputes t' abound: Divines of all forts, and phyficians, Philofophers, mathematicians; The Galenift and Paracelfian, Condemn the ay each other deals in; Anatomifts diffect and mangle,
To cut themselves out work to wrangle; Aftrologers difpute their dreams,
That in their fleeps they talk of schemes; And heralds ftickle who got who, So many hundred years ago.
But lawyers are too wife a nation T'expofe their trade to difputation, Or make the bufy rabble judges
Of all their fecret piques and grudges;
In which, whoever wins the day, The whole profeffion 's fure to pay. Befide, no mountebanks, nor cheats, Dare undertake to do their feats; When in all other fciences
465 | To act against myself and traverse My fuit and title to her favours;
And if fine the id, which Heaven forbid, 525 O'erthrow me, as the Fiddler did, What after courfe have I to take,
470 'Gainft fing all I have at stake? He that with injury is griev'd,
And goes to law to be reliev'd, Is fillier than a fottifh choufe, Who, when a thief has robb'd his houfe,
475 Applies himfelt to cunning-men, To help him to his goods again; When all he can expect to gain, Is but to fquander more in vain : And yet I have no other way,
480 But is as difficult, to play:
485 For bad games are thrown up too foon, Until they're never to be won.
Is of his own opinion ftill,
Which he may adhere to, yet difown,
They fwarm like infects, and increase.
For what bigot durft ever draw,
But 'tis not to b' avoided now,
y inward Light, a deed in law?
For Sdrophel refolves to fue;
Whom I maft answer, or begin, Inevitably, firft with him:
Who what he pleafes may aver, The other nothing till he fwear; Is ficely' admitted to all grace, And lawful favour, by his place; And, for his bringing cufto.a in, Has all advantages to win: I, who refolve to overfee No lucky opportunity, Will go to counsel, to advise
Which way t' encounter or furprize; And, after long confideration, Have found out one to fit th' occafion, Moft apt for what I have to do,
As counsellor, and juftice too. And truly fo, no doubt, he was, A lawyer fit for fuch a cafe.
An old dull fot, who told the clock, For many years, at Bridewell-dock, At Weftminster, and Hicks's-hall, And biccius deftius play'd in all; Where, in all governments and times,
He 'ad been both friend and foe to crimes, And us'd two equal ways of gaining, By hindering juftice, or maintaining: To many a whore gave privilege, And whipp'd, for want of quarterage; Cart-loads of bawds to prifon fent, For being behind a fortnight's rent; And many a trufty pimp and crony To Puddle-dock, for want of money: Engag'd the constable to feize
All thofe that would not break the peace; Nor give him back his own foul words, Though fometimes commoners or lords,
To this brave man the Knight repairs For counfel in his law affairs; And found him mounted, in his pew, With books and money plac'd for thew, 56 Like neft-eggs, to make clients lay, And for his falfe opinion pay:
To whom the Knight, with comely grace, Put off his hat, to put his cafe ; Which he is proudly entertain'd As th' other courteonfly ftrain'd; And, to affire him 'twas not that He look'd for, bid him put on 's hat. Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel Whom I have cudgel'd-Very well. And now he brags to have beaten me. -Better, and better ftill, quoth he. And vows to flick me to a wall, Where'er he meets me-Best of all. 'Tis true the knave has taken 's oath
And kept them prifoners of course,
For being fober at ill hours:
That in the morning he might free, Or bind them over, for his fee.
Or whether he that is defendant,
In this cafe has the better end on 't; Who, putting in a new crofs-bill, May traverfe the action-Better till. Then there's a lady, too-Aye, marry. That's eafily prov'd acceffary; A Widow, who, by folemn vows Contracted to me, for my fpoufe, Combin'd with him to break her word, And has abetted all-Good Lord! Suborn'd th' aforefaid Sidrophel To tamper with the devil of hell; Who put m' into a horrid fear, Fear of my life-Make that appear. Made an affault with fiends and men Upon my body-Good again.
Made moniters fine, and puppet-plays, For leave to practile in their ways; Farm'd out all cheats, and went a fhare With th' headborough and scavenger: And made the dirt i' th' ftreets compound For taking up the public ground;
The kennel, and the king's highway,
For being unmolested, pay;
Let out the stocks, and whipping-poft,
And cage, to thofe that gave him moft; Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears,
And, for falfe weight, on chandeleers;
Made victualers and vintners fine
And kept me in a deadly fright, And fa'fe imprisonment, all night. Meanwhile they robb'd me, and my horfe, And ftole my faddle-Worfe and worie. And made me mount upon the bare ridge, T'avoid a wretcheder mifcarriage
Sir (quoth the lawver) not to flatter ye, You have as good and fair a battery As heart can with, and need not fhame The proudest man alive to claim: For if they 've us'd you as you fɩy, Marry, quoth I, God give you joy: I would it were my cafe, I'd give More than I'll fay, or you'll believe: I would fo trounce her, and her purse, I'd make her kneel for better or worse;
For matrimony and hanging, here, Both go by deftiny fo clear,
That you as fure may pick and chufe, As cross I win, and pile you lofe: And, if I durft, Iould advance As much in ready maintenance, As upon any cafe I've known;
But we that practife dare not own: The law feverely contrabands Our taking bufinefs off men's hands; 'Tis common barratry, that bears Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears, And crops them till there is not leather, To tick a pin in, left of either; Tor which fome do the fummer-fault, And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault: Eat you may fwear, at any rate, Things not in nature, for the ftate; For in all courts of juftice here
A witnefs is not faid to fwear,
But make oath; that is, in plain terms, To forge whatever he affirms.
(I thank you, quoth the Knight, for that, Becaufe 'tis to my purpose pat-) For Juftice, though the 's painted blind, Is to the weaker fide inclin❜d, Like Charity; elfe right and wrong Could never hold it out fo long, And, like blind Fortune, with a fleight Convey men's interent and right From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's, As early as Hocus Pocus;
Plays fait and loofe, makes men obnoxious; And clear again, like Accius doctius. Then, whether you would take her life, Or but recover her for your wife, Or be content with what the has, And let all other matters pafs, The b.fincfs to the law 's a one, The proof is all it looks upon; And you can want no witneffes, To wear to any thing you pleafe, That hardly get their mere expences By tn' labour of their confciences, Or letting out, to hire, their ears To Affidavit-cuftomers, At inconfiderable values,
To ferve for ju ymen, or tales. Although retain'd in th' hardest matters Of trustees and administrators.
For that (quoth he), let me alone; We've store of fuch, and all our own, 3red up and tutor'd by our Teachers, Che ableft of confcience-ftretchers.
685 And when ye 've hang'd the conjurer, Ye 've time enough to deal with her. In th' interim fpare for no trepans
To draw her neck into the banns; Ply her with love-letters and billets,
690 And bait them well, for quirks and quillets, With trains t' inveigle and furprize
Her heedlefs anfwers and replies;
And if the refs the mouse-trap lines, They'll ferve for other bye-designs;
And make an artift understand
To copy out her feal, or hand;
Or find void places in the paper,
To fteal in fomething to entrap her;
Till with her worldly goods, and body,
rco Spite of her heart, he has endow'd ye: Retain all forts of witneffes,
That ply i' th' Temples, under trees,
Or walk the round, with Knights o' th' Pofts,
About the cross-logg'd knights, their hofts;
Or wait for cuftomers between
The pillar-rows in Lincoln's-inn;
Where vouchers, forgers, common bail,
And Affidavit-men, ne'er fail
T'expofe to fale all forts of oaths,
710 According to their ears and clothes, Their only neceffary tools,
Befides the Gofpel, and their seuls;
And, when ye 're furnish'd with all purveys, I fhall be ready at your fervice.
I would not give (quoth Hudibras). A fraw to understand a cafe,- Without the admirable kill
To wind and manage it at will; To veer, and tack, and fteer a caufe,
720 Against the weather-gage of laws, And ring the changes upon cafes, As plain as nofes upon faces, As you have well inftructed me, For which you 've earn'd (here 'tis) your fee.
acquaintance of Friar Bacon's. In that ignorant age every thing that feemed extraordinary was reputed magic, and fo both Bacon and Dongey went under the imputation of ftudying the black art. Bongey alfo, publishing a treatife of natural magic, confirmed fome well-meaning credulous people in this opinion; but it was altogether groundlefs, for Bongey was chofen Pro735 vincial of his order, being a perfon of moit excellent parts and piety.
Ver. 782.] The beggar's prayer for the lawyer would have fuited this gentleman very well. See the works of J. Taylor, the Water-poet, p. IOI. "May the Terms he everlasting to thee, "thou man of tongue; and may contentions grow and multiply! may actions beget actions, "and cafes engender cafes, as thick as hops; "may every day of the year be a Shrove-Tucf
Ver. 723-] Alone, in all editions to 1704, in- day; let proclamations forbid fighting, to inlufive, All one, in later editions.
Ver. 742.] Bongey was a Francifcan, and lived" wwards the end of the thirteenth century; a octor of divinity in Oxford, and a particular |
I long to practise your advice, And try the fubtle artifice; To bait a letter, as you bid. As, not long after, thus he did: For, having pump'd up all his wit, And hum'd upon it, thus he writ.
For none are like to do if fooner, Than those who 're nicest of their honour: 785 The other, for base gain and pay, Forfwear and perjure by the day, And make th' expofing and retailing Their fouls and confciences a calling. It is no fcandal nor afperfion, Upon a great and noble períon, To fay he naturally abhorr'd
Th' old-fashion'd trick to keep his word, Though 'tis perfidioufnefs and shame,
HEROICAL EPISTLE* In eaner men, to do the fame :
Your heart, being dafh'd, will break my own. Yet, if you were not fo fevere
You'd find, upon my just defence,
How much you 've wrong'd my innocence.
That once I made a vow to you,
Which yet is unperform'd, 'tis true;
But not because it is unpaid,
'Tis violated, though delay'd:
Or, if it were, it is no fault,
For to be able to forget,
Is found more useful to the great, Than gout, or deafncís, or bad eyes, To make them país for wondrous wife. But though the law, on perjurers, Inflicts the forfeiture of ears,
It is not juft, that does exempt The guilty, and punish th' innocent; To make the ears repair the wrong Committed by th' ungovern'd tongue; And, when one member is forfworn, Another to be cropt or torn.
And if you should, as you defign, By courfe of law, recover mine,
You 're like, if you confider right, To gain but little honour by 't. For he that for his lady's fake Lays down his life, or limbs, at stake, Does not fo much defer e her favour, As he that pawns is ful to have her. This ye 've acknowledg'd I have done, Although you now difdain to own; But fentence what you rather ought 'T' efteem good service than a fault. Befides, oaths are not bound to bear That literal fenfe the wo es infer; Bet, by the practice of the age,
Are to be judg'd how far they' euraze; And, where the fenfe by custom's cleckt, Are found void and of none effect;
For no man takes or keeps a vow,
But just as he fees others do;
Nor are they' obliged to be fo brittle, As not to vield and bow a little: For as beft-temper'd blades are found, Before they break, to bend quite round; So trueft oaths are itili moft tough,
30 And, though they bow, are breaking proof. Then wherefore thould they not b' allow'd In love a greater latitude?
*This Epistle was to be the refult of all the Fair methods the Knight was to use in gaining the Widow; it therefore required all his wit and dexterity to draw from this artful Lady an unwary aufwer. If the plot fucceeded, he was to compel her immediately, by law, to a compliance with his defires. But the Lady was too cunning to give him fuch a handle as he longed for: on the contrary, her Aufwer filenced all his pretenfions.
For, as the law of arms approves All ways to conqueft, to thould Love's; And not be ty'd to true or falfe, But make that jufteft that prevals: For how can that which is above All empire, high and mighty Love, Submit its great prerogative To any other power alive? Shall Love, that to no crown gives place, Become the fubject of a cafe? The fundamental law of Nature Be over-rul'd by those made after 2
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