Love. Po! ridiculous!-tell your mistress-go about your business. [Turns her out. He does not care a Sir Bash. I see how it is. cherry-stone for his wife. Love. Such impertinence!Well, Sir Bashful. Sir Bash. He does not value her a pinch of snuff. [Aside. Love. Well, I am all attention. Sir Bash. It does not signify. A foolish affair; I wont trouble you. Love. Nay, that's unkind. It will be no trouble. Sir Bash. Well, well, I-I-Do you think Muslin did not overhear us? Love. Not a syllable. Come, we are safe. Sir Bash. I don't know, but-let me ask you a question first-Have you any regard for your lady? Love. The highest value for her. But then, you know, appearances Sir Bash. Right!-I repose it with you.-You must know, Mr. Lovemore, as I told you, I am at the bottom very good natured, and, though may be thought-we are interrupted again. Enter SIR BRILLIANT. Sir Bril. Lovemore, I have paid my visit. good as your word, Sir Brilliant. keeps Muslin? Surely never was an unhapp! woman treated with such cruel indifference; nay. with such open, such undisguised insolence & gallantry. Enter MUSLIN. Well, Muslin, have you seen his prime minister Mus. Yes, Ma'am, I have seen Mr. William. He says his master is going out, according to the old trade, and he does not expect to see him again till to-morrow morning. Mr. Lovemore is now in the study. Sir Brilliant Fashion is with him: I heard them as I passed by the door, laughing as loud as two actors in a comedy. Mrs. Love. About some precious mischief, I'll be sworn, and all at my cost. Heigho! Mus. Dear Ma'am, why chagrin yourself about a vile man, that is not worth-no, as I hope for mercy, not worth a single sigh? Mrs. Love. What can I do, Muslin ? Mus. Do, Ma'am !-If I was as you, I'd do for him. If I could not cure my grief, I'd find some comfort, that's what I would. me. Mrs. Love. Comfort? alas! there is none for -You are as but you Mus. And whose fault then? Would any body -It provokes me to think of itWould any but you-young, handsome, with wit, Sir Bril. Perhaps you have business? Sir Bash. No, no business-[Turns to LOVE-graces, talents,-would any body, with so many MORE.] there's no proceeding now-I was going, [To SIR BRILLIANT.] Mr. Lovemore, I wish you a good day. Love. Po! Pr'ythee, you sha'n't leave me yet. Sir Bash. I must; I can't stay.-[Aside to LOVEMORE.] Another time. Suppose you call at my house at one o'clock. Love. With all my heart. Sir Bash. Do so; nobody shall interrupt us. Mr. Lovemore, I take my leave. Sir Brilliant, I kiss your hand. You wont forget, Mr. Lovemore? Love. Oh, no; depend upon me. friend I have. his secrets! Sir Bril. I beg your pardon. How could you let me. Love. Nay, no matter. I shall worm it out of him. Enter MUSLIN. accomplishments, sit at home here, as melancholy as a poor servant out of place?- And all for what? For a husband! and such a husband! What do you think the world will say of you, Ma'am? Mrs. Love. I care not what they say, I am tired of the world, and the world may be tired of me, if it will. My troubles are to myself only, and I must endeavour to bear them. Who knows what patience may do? If Mr. Lovemore has any feeling left, my conduct and his own heart may one day incline him to do me justice. Mus. But, dear Ma'am, that's waiting for dead men's shoes. Incline him to do you justice!Sir Bash. A good morning. He is the only What signifies expecting and expecting! Give [Exit. me a bird in the hand. If all the women in LonLove. Ha, ha! you broke in, in the most criti-don, who happen to be in your case, were to sit cal moment. He was just going to be delivered of down and die of the spleen, what would become of the public places? They might turn Vauxhall to a hop-garden; make a brew-house of Ranelagh, and let both the play-houses to a methodist preacher. We should not have the racketting we have now. John, let the horses be put to-John, go to my Lady Trumpabout, and invite her to a small party of twenty or thirty card-tablesJohn, run to my Lady Catgut, and let her know I'll wait upon her ladyship to the opera-John, run as fast as ever you can, with my compliments to Mr. Varney, and tell him it will be the death of me, if I have not a box for the new play. Lord bless you, Ma'am, they rantipole it about this town, with as unconcerned looks, and as florid outsides, as if they were treated at home like so many goddesses; though every body knows pos session has ungoddessed them all, long ago, and their husbands care no more for them, no, by Jingo, no more than they care for their husbands. Mrs. Love. At what a rate you run on! Mus. It is enough to make a body run on. If every body thought like you, Ma'am Mus. My lady, Sir, is quite impatient. Love. Po! for ever teasing! I'll wait upon her presently. [Exit MUSLIN. Sir Bril. I'll step and chat with her while you dress. May I take the liberty? Love. You know you may; no ceremony. How could you ask me such a question ?-A-propos, Sir Brilliant, I want a word with you. Step with me into the study for a moment. Sir Bril. I attend you. Love. Poor Sir Bashful! -ha, ha!- -a ridiculous, unaccountable- -What does he mean. [Exeunt. SCENE II-Another Apartment. Mrs. Love. If every body loved like me! Mus. A brass thimble for love, if it is not re turned by love. What the deuce is here to do Love for love is something; but to love alone, where's the good of that? Shall I go and fix my heart upon a man, who shall despise me for that very reason? And ay, says he, Poor fool! I see she adores me. The woman is well enough, only she has one inconvenient circumstance about her: I am married to her, and marriage is the devil.' Mrs. Love. Will you have done? or not guilty? Not guilty, poss. Thus issue is away. Mrs. Love. And by playing these false colours you think I am to be amused? Sir Bril. Nay, hear me out. You appear in Mus. I have not half done, Ma'am. And when court; you charge the whole upon me, without a the vile man goes a roguing, he smiles impudently syllable as to the how, when, and where: no proof in your face, and I am going to the chocolate-positive; the prosecution ends, and I begin my house, my dear; amuse yourself in the mean time, defence." my love.' Fy upon 'em! I know 'em all. Give me a husband that will enlarge the circle of my innocent pleasures; but a husband now a-days is no such thing. A husband now is nothing but a scarecrow, to show you the fruit, but touch it if you dare. The devil's in 'em, the Lord forgive me for swearing. A husband is a mere bugbear, a snapdragon, a monster; that is to say, if one make him so, then he is a monster indeed; and if one do not make him so, then he behaves like a monster; and of the two evils, by my troth- -But here, Ma'am, here comes one who can tell you all about it. Here comes Sir Brilliant; ask his advice, Ma'am. Mrs. Love. His advice?-Ask advice of the man who has estranged Mr. Lovemore's affections from me? Mus. Well, I protest and vow, I think Sir Brilliant a very pretty gentleman. He is the very pink of the fashion. He dresses fashionably, lives fashionably, wins your money fashionably, loses his own fashionably, and does every thing fashionably, and then he looks so lively, and so much to say, and so never at a loss!- --but here comes. Enter SIR BRILLIANT. Sir Bril. Nay, Mrs. Lovemore, I am now upon my defence. Only hear.-You will please to consider, Gentlemen of the Jury, that Mr. Lovemore is not a minor, nor I his guardian: He loves gayety, pleasure, and enjoyment; is it my fault? He is possessed of talents, and a taste for pleasure, which he knows how to gratify; can I restrain him? He knows the world, makes the most of life, and plucks the fruit that grows around him; am I to blame? This is the whole affair.How say you, Gentlemen of the Jury?—Not guilty. There you see how it is. I have cleared myself. Mrs. Love. Brisk, lively, and like yourself, Sir Brilliant! But if you can imagine this bantering way— Sir Bril. Acquitted by my country, Ma'am; fairly acquitted. Mrs. Love. After the very edifying counsel which you give to Mr. Lovemore, this loose strain is not in the least surprising. And, Sir, your late project. Sir Bril. My late project? Mrs. Love. Your late project, Sir. Not content with leading Mr. Lovemore into a thousand Sir Bril. Mrs. Lovemore, my dear Ma'am, al-scenes of dissipation, you have introduced him ways in a vis-a-vis party with your suivante ?- lately to your Mrs. Bellmour. You understand Afford me your pardon, if I say this does a little me, Sir. wear the appearance of being out of humour with the world. Mrs. Love. Far from it, Sir Brilliant. We were engaged in your panegyric. Sir Bril. My panegyric! then am I come most a-propos to give the portrait a few finishing touches. Mr. Lovemore, as soon as he is dressed, will wait upon you: in the mean time I can help you to some anecdotes, which will enable you to colour your canvass a little higher. Mrs. Love. Among these anecdotes, I hope you will not omit the bright exploit of seducing Mr. Lovemore from all domestic happiness. [She makes a sign to MUSLIN to go. Sir Bril. I, Madam ?-Let me perish if everMrs. Love. Oh! Sir, I can make my observa tons. Sir Bril. May fortune eternally forsake me, and beauty frown on me, if I am conscious of any pict upon earth. Sir Bril. Ma'am, he does not so much as know the widow Bellmour. Mrs. Love. Nay, Sir Brilliant, have a care. justify it if you can, or give it a turn of wit. There is no occasion to hazard yourself too far. Sir Bril. Falsehood I disdain, Madam; and I, Sir Brilliant Fashion, declare that Mr. Lovemore is not acquainted with the widow Bellmour. And if he was, what then: Do you know the lady? Mrs. Love. I know her, Sir? A person of that character? Sir Bril. Oh!--I see you don't know her; but I will let you into her history.-Pray be seatedyou shall know her whole history, and then judge for yourself. The widow Bellmour, Madam Love [Within.] William, are the horses put to? Enter LOVEMORE. Love. Very well; let the carriage be brought Mrs. Love. Don't assert too strongly, Sir Bril-round directly.-How do you do, my dear?-Sir liant. Sir Bril. May I never throw a winning cast- Brilliant, I beg your pardon.-My love, you don't answer me: how do you do this morning? [With an air of cold civility. Mrs. Love. A little indisposed in mind; but indisposition of the mind is of no consequence: nobody pities it. Love. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Lovemore. Indisposition of the mind-Sir Brilliant, that's a mighty pretty ring on your finger. Sir Bril. A bauble: will you look at it? [Gives the ring. Mrs. Love. Though I have but few obligations to Sir Brilliant, I suppose I am to ascribe to him the favour of this visit, Mr. Lovemore. Love. [Looking at the ring and laughing.] Now there you wrong me.— -Your inquiries about my health have been very obliging this morning, and I came to return the compliment before I go out. It is set very neatly. [Gives back the ring. Mrs. Love. Are you going out, Sir? Love. A matter of business-How I do hate! business!-But business, [Examining his rufAlles]-business must be done.-Pray is there any news-Any news, my dear? Mrs. Love. It would be news to me, Sir, if you would be kind enough to let me know whether I may expect the favour of your company at dinner to-day. Love. It would be impertinent in me to answer such a question, for I can give no direct answer to it. I am the slave of events; just as things happen: perhaps I may, perhaps not. But don't let ne be of any inconvenience to you. Is it material where a body eats ?-Have you heard what happened to me? [Aside to SIR BRILLIANT. Sir Bril. When and where? Lore. A word in your ear-with your permission, Ma'am? Mrs. Love. That cold, contemptuous civility, Mr. Lovemore Love Po! pr'ythee now, how can you?-that is very peevish, and very ill-natured.-[ Turning to SIR BRILI lost every thing I played for after you went The foreigner and he understand one another. beg your pardon, Mrs. Lovemore: it as only about an affair at the opera. Mrs. Love. The opera, or any thing, is more greeable than my company. Love. The same; Entire Butt, I think, was the name of his borough. Can I set you down? Sir Bril. No; my carriage waits. I shall rattle half the town over presently. Love. As you will. Sir Brilliant will entertain you, Ma'am. Au revoir, my love.-Sir Brilliant, yours.-Who waits there? [Exit, singing. Sir Bril. Bon voyage. You see, Madam, that I don't deprive you of his company. Mrs. Love. Your influence is now unnecessary. It is grown habitual to him: he will drive to your Mrs. Bellmour, I suppose. Sir Bril. A-propos; that brings us back to the little history I was going to give you of that lady. What is your charge against her? That she is amiable? Granted. Young, gay, rich, handsome, with enchanting talents, it is no wonder all the pretty fellows are on their knees to her. Her manner so entertaining! that quickness of transition from one thing to another! that round of variety; and every new attitude does so become her; and she has such a feeling heart, and, with an air of giddiness, so nice a conduct! Mrs. Love. Mighty well, Sir: she is a very vestal. Finish your portrait. A vestal from your school of painting must be a curiosity. But how comes it, Sir, if she is this wonder, that your honourable proposals are at an end there? Sir Bril. Compulsion, Ma'am ; it is not voluntary. My lord Etheridge is the happy man. I thought he was out of the kingdom; but his lordship is with her every evening. I can scarce gain admittance; and so all that remains for me, is to do justice to the lady, and console myself in the best way I can for the insufficiency of my pretensions. Mrs. Love. Am I to believe all this? Sir Bril. May the first woman I pay my addresses to, strike me to the centre with a supercilious eye-brow, if every syllable is not minutely true. Love. Now there again you wrong me-[To-So that you see I am not the cause of your inquieSIR BRILLIANT.] We dine at the St. Alban's.How can you, Mrs. Lovemore? I make it a point not to incommode you. You possibly may have some private party; and it would be unpolite in me to obstruct your schemes of pleasure. Would not it, Sir Brilliant? Sir Bril. Oh!-Gothic to the last degree! Love. Very true; vulgar and mechanic![Both stand laughing.] Mrs. Love. Go on; make sport for yourselves, gentlemen. Love. Ho! ho! ho! I am sore with laughing.If you, Madam, have arranged an agreeable party, for me to be present, it would look as if we lived together like Sir Bashful Constant and his lady; who are always, like two game cocks, ready armed to goad and spur one another. Hey! Sir Brilliant? Sir Bril. Oh! the very thing: or like Sir Theodore Traffic at Turnbridge taking his wife under the arm in the public rooms, and 'come along home, I tell you.' Love. Exactly so. [Both continue laughing.] Odds my life; I shall be beyond my time. [Looks at his watch. Any commands into the city, my dear? Mrs. Love. Commands !-no, Sir, I have no commands. Love. I have an appointment at my banker's; Sir Brilliant, you know old Discount? Sir Bril. He that was in parliament, and had the large contract? tude. There is not in the world a person, who more earnestly aspires to prove the tender esteem he bears you.-I have long panted for an opportunity-by all that's soft she listens to me! [Aside.]I have long panted, Ma'am, for a tender moment like this Mrs. Love. Looks gravely at him.] Sir! Sir Bril. I have panted with all the ardour, which charms like yours must kindle in every heart! Mrs. Love. [Walks away.] This liberty, SirSir Bril. Consider, Madam: we have both cause of discontent; both disappointed; both crossed in love; and the least we can do is both to join, and sweeten each other's cares. Mrs. Love. And your friend, Sir, who has just left you Sir Bril. He, Madam, for a long time-I have seen it, with vexation seen it-yes, he has long been false to honour, love, and you. Mrs. Love. Sir Brilliant, I have done. You take my wrongs too much to heart, Sir. [Rings a bell, Sir Bril. Those eyes that tell us what the sun is made of, those hills of driven snowMrs. Love. Will nobody answer there? Enter MUSLIN. Sir Bril. Madam, I desist; when you are in better humour, recollect what I have said. Your adorer takes his leave. Sir Brilliant, mind your hits, and her strait-laced virtue will surrender at last. Madam- [Bows respectfully; Exit. Mus. As I live and breathe, Ma'am, if I was you, I would not fluster myself about it. Mrs. Love. About what? Mus. What signifies mincing the matter? I acard it all. Mrs. Love. You did? Did you? [Looks angrily. Mus. Ma'am. Mrs. Love. Impertinence! [Walks about.] Oh! Mr. Lovemore-To make his character public, and render him the topic of every tea-table throughout this town. I must avoid that. Mus. What the deuce is here to do?-An unmannerly thing, for to go for to huff me in this manner! [Aside. Side. She has left this card for my lady. Sir Bash. A card? Let me see it. [Reads. Mrs. Love. That would only widen the breach, to Lady Constant. She has left the hounds and the The Dutchess of Hurricane presents complimente and instead of neglect, might call forth resentment, and settle at last into a fixed aversion: law-foxes, and the brutes that gallop after them, to their yers, parting, and a separate maintenance !own dear society for the rest of the winter. Her Grace What must be done? keeps Wednesdays at Hurricane House for the rest of the winter. Mus. What is she thinking of now?—A sulky thing not to be more familiar with such a friend is I am. [Aside.]-Did you speak to me, Ma'am? Mrs. Love. It may succeed; suppose I try it. Muslin. Mus. Ma'am. [Running to her. Mrs. Love. You heard Sir Brilliant say, that Mr. Lovemore is not acquainted with the widow ? Mus. Lard, Ma'am, he's as full of tricks as a French milliner. I know he does visit there; I know it from William. I'll be hanged in my own garters, if he does not. Mrs. Love. I know not what to do. Let my chair be got ready. Mus. Your chair, Ma'am!-are you a going out? Mrs. Love. Let me hear no more questions: do as I order you. [Exit. Mus. Which way is the wind now? No matter: she does not know what she'd be at. If she would but take my advice,-go abroad, visit everywhere, see the world, throw open her doors, give balls, assemblies, concerts; sing, dance, dress, spend all her money, run in debt, ruin her husband; there would be some sense in that: the man would stay at home then to quarrel with her. She would have enough of his company. But no; mope, mope, for ever: heigho! tease, tease; Muslin, step to William; where 's his master? When did he come home? How long has he been up? A fine life, truly.I love to be in the fashion, my part. Bless me, I had like to have forgot. Mrs. Marmalet comes to my rout to-night. She might as well stay away: she is nothing but mere lumber. The formal thing wont play higher than shilling whist. How the devil does she think I can make a shilling party for her! There is no such a thing now-a-days: nobody plays shilling whist now, unless I was to invite the trades-people; but I sha'n't let myself down for Madam Marmalet, that I promise her. [Exit. for ACT II. SCENE I-An Apartment at SIR BASHFUL CONSTANT'S. Enter SIR BASHFUL. Make me thankful, here's a card from a Dutchess! What have you there? Side. A parcel of cards, that have been left here this morning. Sir Bash. All these in one morning? [Looks at them.] Why, I may as well keep an inn; may as well keep the Coach and Horses in Piccadilly. [Reads fast.] Lady Riot-Mrs. Allnight -The Dutchess of Carmine-look ye there, another Dutchess! Lady Basset-Lord Pleurisie-the Countess of Ratifie-Sir Richard Lungs-Lord Laudanum-Sir Charles Valerian-Lady Hectick-Lady Mary Grabble-I can't bear all this, Sideboard. [Aside and smiling.] I can't bear the pleasure of it all people of tip-top condition to visit my wife? Enter FURNISH. What's the matter, Furnish? Fur. The matter, Sir ?—Nothing's the matter. Sir Bash. What are you about?—Where are you going? What have you to do now? Fur. Only to tell the chairmen they must take Black George with his flambeau, with them this evening, and carry the chair to pay visits for my lady. Sir Bash. An empty chair to pay visits!what polite ways people of fashion have got of being intimate with each other [Aside.] Absurd as it is, I am glad to see my wife keep pace with the best of them. I laugh at it, and yet I like it.— Wounds! I shall be found out by my servants. I tell you, Sideboard, and you, Mrs. Busy Body, that your mistress leads a life of noise and hurry, and cards and dice, and vanity and nonsense, and I am resolved to bear it no longer. Don't I hear her coming? Fur. My lady is coming, Sir. Sir Bash. [Aside and smiling.] She looks charmingly. Now I'll tell her roundly, a piece of mind. You shall see who commands in this house. Enter LADY CONSTANT. Sir Bash. [Steals a look.] I could almost give up the point when I look at her.-So Madam, I have Sir Bash. Did not I hear a rap at the door? had my house full of duns again to-day. Lady Cons. Obliging creatures, to call so often. What did they want? Sir Bash. What !—what should they want but money. Lady Cons. And you paid them, I suppose? Sir Bash. You suppose!-'Sdeath, Madam, what do you take me for? Lady Cons. I took you for a husband: my brother prescribed you. But his prescription has done me no good. Sir Bash. Nor me, either: I have had a bitter pill of it. Lady Cons. But the pill was gilded for you. My fortune, I take it, has paid off the old family mortgage on your estate. Sir Bash. And at the rate you go on, a new mortgage will swallow up my estate. I see you are an ungrateful woman. Horace! Dum vitant stulti vitia-She is a nota ble woman. Lady Cons. Let me tell you, there is not in life a more ridiculous sight than the person who guards with imaginary wisdom, against one giant vice, and leaves himself open to a million of absurdities. Sir Bash. [Aside.] I am nothing to her in argument-she has a tongue that can reason me out of my senses. I could almost find it in my hear* to tell her the whole truth.-You know, my Lady Constant, that when you want any thing in reason Lady Cons. Is it unreasonable to live with decency? Is it unreasonable to keep the company my rank and education have entitled me to? Is it unreasonable to conform to the modes of life, when your fortune can so well afford it? Lady Cons. That is, as you keep the account. Sir Bash. [Aside.] She is a very reasonable woSir Bash. And my accounts will show it.- man, and I wish I had but half her sense.-You Day after day nothing but extravagance to gratify know I am good natured in the main, and if a sum your vanity. Did not I go into parliament to of money within a moderate compass-If a brace please you? Did not I go down to the Borough of hundreds-[Aside.] why should not I make it of Smoke-and-Sot, and get drunk there for a three ?-I know that you have contracted habits whole month together? Did not I get mobbed at of life, and [In a softened tone.] habit, I know, is the George and Vulture? and pelted and horse- not easily conquered and if three [Smiling.j whipped the day before the election? And was hundred pounds will prevent disputes, why not l'obliged to steal out of the town in a rabbit-[Smiling.] as to the matter of three hundred cart? And all this to be somebody, as you call it? Did not I stand up in the House to make a speech to show what an orator you had married? And did not I expose myself? Did I know whether I stood upon my head or my heels for half an hourner's. together? And did not a great man from the Treasury-bench tell me never to speak again? Lady Cons. And why not take his advice? Sir Bash. What, in the name of common sense had I to do in parliament? My country! what's my country to me? The debts of the nation, and your gaming debts are nothing to me. I must help to pay both, must I? I can vote against taxes, and I can advertise in the Gazette to secure me from your extravagance. I have not lived in the Temple for nothing. Fur. He slept there, and calls it studying the law. Sir Bash. Hold you your tongue, Mrs. Pert; leave the room. Go both about your business. [Exeunt FURNISH and SIDEBOARD. [Aside] I have kept it up before my servants. Looks at LADY CONSTANT.] She is a fine woman, after all. Lady Cons. Is there never to be an end of this usage, Sir? Am I to be for ever made unhappy by your humours? Sir Bash. Humours! good sense and sound judgment, in the fine lady's dictionary, are to be called humours? Lady Cons. And your humours are now grown insupportable. Sir Bash. Your profusion is insupportable. At the rate you go on, how am 1 to find money for my next election ?--If you would but talk this matter over coolly-She talks like an angel, and I wish I could say [Aside.] the same of myself.What will the world think?-Only command your temper-what will they think, if I am seen to encourage your way of life? Lady Cons Amuse yourself that way, Sir. Avoid one error and run into the opposite ex treme. Sir Basn. [Aside.] There: a translation from pounds Enter FURNISH, with a Band-box. Sir Bash. Death and fury! this woman has overheard me. Three hundred pounds, Madam! [In a violent passion] let me tell you that three hundred pounds-what right have you to shovel away three hundred pounds? Lady Cons. Why does the man fly out into such a passion? Sir Bash. I will allow no such doings in my house. Don't I often come when my hall is besieged with a parcel of powder monkey servants? And did not I the other day, before I could get into my own doors, entangle myself among the chairmen's poles, and was not I confined there like a man in the stocks? Lady Cons. Why would you be so awkward? Sir Bash. An eternal scene of routs and drums. Have not I seen you put the fee simple of a score of my best acres npon a single card? And have not I muttered to myself, if that woman was as much in love with me as she is with Pam, what an excellent wife she would make.' Lady Cons. Pam is very obliging: why wont you strive to be as agreeable? Sir Bash. 'Sdeath, Madam, you are so fond of play, that I should not wonder to see my next child marked on the forehead with a pair of royal aces. Fur. I am sure you deserve to be marked on the forehead with a pair of Sir Bash. Malapert hussy! do you meddle? Begone this moment. [Exit FURNISH. Lady Cons. Fy upon it, Sir Bashful? I am tired of blushing for you. Sir Bash. I am afraid I have gone too far: she is ashamed of me. Aside. Lady Cons. You agreed to a separation the other day, and there remains nothing but to execute articles, and make an end of all this disquiet. Sir Bash. A separate maintenance will go but |