Ah A world of blessings to that fire we owe: [Looking behind the scenes. These venefits are such, no man can doubt now. ACT I. SCENE I-Covent Garden. Enter MRS. AMLET and MRS. Cloggit, meeting. Am. Good morrow, neighbour; good morrow, neighbour Cloggit. How does all at your house this morning? Clog Thank you kindly, Mrs. Amlet, thank you kindly; how do you do, I pray? Am. At the old rate, neighbour, poor and honest these are hard times, good lack. Clog. If they are hard with you, what are they with us? You have a good trade going; all the great folks in town help you off with your merchandise. Am. Yes, they do help us off with them indeed; they buy all. Clog. And payAm. For some. Clog. Well, 'tis a thousand pities, Mrs. Amlet, they are not as ready at one as they are at t'other; for, not to wrong them, they give very good rates. Am. Oh, for that, let's do them justice, neighbour; they never make two words upon the price; all they haggle about is the day of payment. Clog. There's all the dispute, as you say. Am. But that's a wicked one. For my part, neighbour, I'm just tired off my legs with trotting after them; besides, it eats out all our profit. Would you believe it, Mrs. Cloggit, I have worn ont four pair of pattens with following my old Lady Youthful for one set of false teeth, and but three pots of paint. Clog. Look you there now! Clog. Ay, that were something. But now you talk of conscience, Mrs. Amlet, how do you speed amongst your city customers? Am. My city customers! Now, by my truth, neighbour, between the city and the court (with reverence be it spoken,) there's not a-to choose. My ladies, in the city, in times past, were as full of gold as they were of religion, and as punctual in their payments as they were in their prayers; but since they have set their minds upon quality, adieu one! adieu t'other! their money and their consciences are gone, Heaven knows where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in town, but 's as heardhearted as an ancient judge, and as poor as a towering dutchess. Clog. But what the murrain have they to do with quality? Why don't their husbands make them mind their shops? Am. Their husbands! their husbands, say'st thou, woman? Alack, alack, they mind their husbands, neighbour, no more than they do a sermon! Clog. Good lack-a-day, that women born of sober parents should be prone to follow ill examples! But, now we talk of quality, when did you hear of your son Richard, Mrs. Amlet? My daughter Flipp says she met him t'other day, in a laced coat, with three fine ladies, his footman at his heels, and as gay as a bridegroom. Am Is it possible? Ah, the rogue! Well, neighbour, all's well that ends well; but Dick will be hanged. Clog. That were pity. Am. Pity, indeed; for he's a hopeful young man to look on; but he leads a life-Well, where he has it, Heaven knows; but they say, he pays his club with the best of them. I have seen him but once these three months, neighbour, and then the varlet wanted money; but I bid him march, and march he did, to some purpose; for, in less than an hour back comes my gentleman inte the house, walks to and fro in the room, with his wig over his shoulder, his hat on one side, whist ling a minuet, and tossing a purse of gold from one hand to t'other, with no more respect, Hea ven bless us! than if it had been an orange. Sir rah, says 1, where have you got that? He answers me never a word, but sets his arms a-kimbo, cocks his saucy hat in my face, turns about upon his ungracious heel, as much as to say, kissand I've never set eye on him since. Clog. Look you there now! To see what the youth of this age come to! Am. See what they will come to, neighbour. Heaven shield, I say; but Dick upon the gallop. Well, I must bid you good morrow; I'm going where I doubt I shall meet but a sorry welcome. Clog. To get in some old debt, I'll warrant you? Am. No, she's but a scrivener's wife; but she lives as well, and pays as ill, as the stateliest coun tess of them all [Exeunt several ways Enter BRASS. Brass. Well, surely, through the world's wide extent, there never appeared so impudent a fellow as my school-fellow, Dick. To pass himself upo Am. If they would but once let me get enough the town for a gentleman, drop into all the best by them, to keep a coach to carry me a dunning company with an easy air, as if his natural ele after them, the would be some conscience in it.ment were in the sphere of quality; when the Brass. Ay, but that's not all; he's such a fool to think of complaining on't. Dick. Then I must be wise to stop his mouth. Dick. Give him a little back; if that wont do, strangle him. Brass. You are very quick in your methods. Dick. Men must be so that will despatch business. Brass. Hark you; colonel, your father died in's bed. Dick. He might have done, if he had not been a fool. Brass. Why, he robbed a church. How like a dog will you took, with a pair or plod Dick. Why faith, Brass, I think thou art in the Brass. Have at her then. I'll about your bu- Dick. "One kiss-and" success attend thee. Enter FLIPPANTA. Flip. Who's that? Brass! Flip. What want you, rogue's face? Flip. What then, fool? Brass Why, then it's time for the mistress of the house to come down and look after her family. Flip. Pr'ythee, don't be an owl. Those that go to bed at night may rise in the morning; we that go to bed in the morning rise in the after noon. Brass. When does she make her visits then. Flip. By candle light: it helps off a muddy Brass. What, is she going to die? Brass. Why, that's the only way to save mo- Flip. No; but she has thought of a project to Dick. Ay, but he forgot to make sure of the save chair-hire. sexton. Brass. Are not you a great rogue? Dick. Or I should wear worse clothes. Brass. Hark you; I would advise you to change your life. Dick. And turn ballad singer. Brass. Not so neither. Dick. What then? Brass. As how? Flip. Why, all the company she used to keep Brass. Nay, if he advised her to it, it's right. Brass. Why, if you can get this young wench, he'll see them. reform and live honest. Dick. That's the way to be starved. Brass. No, she has money enough to buy you a good place, and pay me into the bargain, for helping her to so good a match. You have but this throw left to save you; for you are not ignorant, youngster, that your morals begin to be pretty well known about town; have a care your noble birth, and your honourable relations are not discovered too; there needs but that to have you tossed in a blanket, for the entertainment of the first company of ladies you intrude into; and then, like a dutiful son, you may daggle about with your mother, and sell paint; she's old and weak, and wants somebody to carry her goods after her. Brass. Nay that's true, as you say, he'll know it soon enough. Flip. Well, I must begone; have you any business with my lady? Brass. Yes, as ambassador from Araminta, I have a letter for her. Flip. Give it me. Brass. Hold and, as first minister of state to the colonel, I have an affair to communicate te thee. Flip. What is it? Quick. Brass. A woman-and her money together L Brass. Corinna. Flip. What would he be at? Brass. At her if she's at leisure. Clar. This letter from her is to give me an ae count of it. Flip. Methinks you are not very much alarmed. Brass. Honourably-He has ordered me to de- tured with jealousy. mand her of thee in marriage. Flip. Of me! Brass. Why, when a man of quality has a mind to a city-fortune, wouldst have him apply to her father and mother? Flip. No. Flip. Nay, you are much in the right on't, Madam; for jealousy 's a city passion; 'tis a thing unknown amongst people of quality. Clar. Fy! A woman must indeed be of a mechanic mould, who is either troubled or pleased with any thing her husband can do to her. Pr'ythee, mention him no more; 'tis the dullest theme! Brass. No, so I think; men of our end of the town are better bred than to use ceremony.With a long periwig we strike the lady; with a you-know-what we soften the maid; and when the parson has done his job, we open the affair to the family. Will you slip this letter into her prayer book, my little queen? It's a very pas-even of the thought of that too! sionate one; it's sealed with a heart and dagger; you may see by that what he intends to do with himself. Flip. 'Tis splenetic indeed. But when once you open your basset-table, I hope that will put him out of your head. Flip. Are there any verses in it? If not, I wont couch it. Brass. Not one word in prose; it's dated in rhyme. [She takes it. Flip. Well, but-have you brought nothing else? Brass. Gad forgive me! I'm the forgetfullest dog. I have a letter for you too-here-'tis in a purse-but it's in prose-you wont touch it. Flip. Yes, hang it, it is not good to be too dainty. Clar Alas, Flippanta, I begin to grow weary Flip. How so? Clar. Why, I have thought on't a day and a night already, and four and twenty hours, thou know'st, is enough to make one weary of any thing. Flip. Now, by my conscience, you have more woman in you than all your sex together.-You never know what you would have. Clar. Thou mistakest the thing quite. I always know what I lack, but I am never pleased with what I have. The want of a thing is perplexing enough, but the possession of it is intolerable. Flip. Well, I don't know what you are made of, but other women would think themselves blessed in your case: handsome, witty, loved by Brass. How useful a virtue is humility!-every body, and of so happy a composure, to care Well, child, we shall have an answer to-morrow, sha'n't we? Flip. I can't promise you that; for our young gentlewoman is not so often in my way as she would be. Her father (who is a citizen from the foot to the forehead of him) lets her seldom converse with her mother-in-law and me, for fear she should learn the airs of a woman of quality. But I'll take the first occasion-See, there's my lady; go in, and deliver your letter to her. [Exeunt SCENE II-A Parlour. Enter CLARISSA, followed by FLIPPANTA and Clar. No messages this morning from any body, Flippanta? Lard, how dull that is!—Oh, there's Brass! I did not see thee, Brass. What news dost thou bring? Brass. Only a letter from Araminta, Madam. Clar. Give it me-Open it for me, Flippanta; I am so lazy to-day. [Sits down. Brass. [To Fip.] Be sure now you deliver my master's as carefully as I do this. Flip. Don't trouble thyself; I'm no novice. Clar. [To BRASS.] 'Tis well; there needs no answer, since she'll be here so soon. Brass. Your ladyship has no farther commands then? Clar. Not at this time, honest Brass-Flippanta! [Exit BRASS. Flip. Madam. Clar. My husband's in love. Flip In love! Clar. With Araminta. Flip. Impossible! a fig for nobody. You have no one passion but that of your pleasures, and you have in me a servant devoted to all your desires, let them be as extravagant as they will. Yet all this is nothing; you can still be out of humour. Clar. Alas, I have too much cause! Flip. Why, what have you to complain of? Clar. Alas, I have more subjects for spleen than one! Is it not a most horrible thing that I should be but a scrivener's wife?-Come, don't flatter me-don't you think nature designed me for something plus élevée? Flip. Nay, that's certain; but on t'other side, methinks, you ought to be in some measure content, since you live like a woman of quality, though you are none. Clar. Oh, fy! the very quintessence of it is wanting. Flip. What's that? Clar. Why, I dare abuse nobody: I'm afraid to affront people, though I don't like their faces: or to ruin their reputations, though they pique me to it, by taking ever so much pains to preserve them: I dare not raise a lie of a man, though be neglects to make love to me; nor report a woman to be a fool, though she's handsomer than I am. In short, I dare not so much as bid my footman kick the people out of doors, though they come to ask me for what I owe them. Flip. All this is very hard indeed. Clar. Ah, Flippanta, the perquisites of quality are of an unspeakable value! Flip. They are of some use, I must confess but we must not expect to have every thing.You have wit and beauty, and a fool to your husband.-Come, come, Madam, that's a good portion for one. Clar. Alas! what signifies beauty and wit when one dares neither jilt the men, nor abuse Flip. Poor lady! 469 bill, I believe I may have it about me- where I am obliged to pay. [Aside.]-[Reads.] Clar. Oh, liberty is a fine thing, Flippanta: it's a great help in conversation to have leave to say what one will. I have seen a woman of quality who has not had one grain of wit, enter-Crump's left hip."—Oh, fy! this does not betain a whole company the most agreeably in the long to me. world, only with her malice. But 'tis in vain to repine; I can't mend my condition till my husband dies; so I'll say no more on't, but think of making the most of the state I am in. Flip. That's your best way, Madam; and in order to it, pray consider how you'll get some ready-money to set your basset-table a-going; for that's necessary. Clar. Thou say'st true: but what trick I shall play my husband to get some, I don't know; for my pretence of losing my diamond necklace has put the man into such a passion, I'm afraid he wont hear reason. Flip. No matter; he begins to think 'tis lost in earnest; so I fancy you may venture to sell it, and raise money that way. Clar. That can't be; for he has left odious notes with all the goldsmiths in town. Flip. Well, we must pawn it then. Clar. I'm quite tired with dealing with those pawn-brokers. Flip. I'm afraid you'll continue the trade a great while for all that. [Aside. Enter JESSAMIN. Jes. Madam, there's the woman below that sells paint and patches, iron bodice, false teeth, and all sorts of things to the ladies; I can't think of her name. Flip. 'Tis Mrs. Amlet; she wants money. Clar. Well, I ha'n't enough for myself; it's an unreasonable thing she should think I have any for her. Flip. She's a troublesome jade. Clar. So are all people that come a dunning. Clar. I have just now thought on't. She's very rich; that woman is, Flippanta; I'll borrow some money of her. Flip. Borrow! Sure you jest, Madam. Clar. No, I'm in earnest; I give thee commission to do it for me. Flip. Me! Clar. Why dost thou stare, and look so un- Clar. But Mrs. Amlet must lend me some money; where shall I have any to pay her else? Flip. That's true; I never thought of that, truly. But here she is. indeed: 'tis a countess's bill I have writ out to litAm. I beg your ladyship's pardon; I mistook tle purpose. I furnished her two years ago with But some are better customers than some. There's three pair of hips, and am not paid for them yet. your ladyship's bill, Madam. Clar. [Reads.] "For the idea of a new-invented preposterous length. Do you think I can waste commode."-Ay, this may be mine; but 'tis of a time to read every article, Mrs. Amlet? I'd as lief read a sermon. Am. Alack-a-day, there's no need of fatiguing Clar. Total, fifty-six pounds-and odd things. Am. Nay, another body would have made it twice as much; but there's a blessing goes along with a moderate profit. Clar. Flippanta, go to my cashier, let him give you hear me? Six and fifty pounds. Is it so you six and fifty pounds. Make haste.-Don't difficult to be comprehended? Flip. No, Madam,-I-I comprehend six and fifty pounds, but Clar. But go fetch it then. shall, I suppose, before I bring her the money. Am. Alack-a-day! a world of pain, Madamand yet there's small profit as your honour sees by your bill. Clar. Poor woman!-Sometimes you have great losses, Mrs. Amlet? of which I shall never get ten shillings. Clar. Poor woman!-You have a great charge of children, Mrs. Amlet? Am. Only one wicked rogue, Madam, who, I think, will break my heart. Clar. Poor woman! Am. He'll be hanged, Madam: that will be the but he's always shaking his heels with the ladies; end of him. Where he gets it, Heaven knows; prince, and as gim as the best of them. But the and his elbows with the lords. He's as fine as a his mother is dead, and I am but his nurse. ungracious rogue tells all he comes near that his Clar. Poor woman! Am. Alas! Madam, he's like the rest of the have a little business. Flippanta will bring you Am. I return your honour many thanks-Ah, -If the rest were like her, I should soon have| money enough to go as fine as Dick himself. Enter DICK. Dick. Sure Flippanta must have given my letter by this time. I long to know how it has been received. [Aside. Am. Misericorde! what do I see? ther! Am. Nay, 'tis he-Ah, my poor Dick, what art thou doing here? Dick. What a misfortune! [Aside Am. Good Lard, how thou art bravely decked! -But it's all one; I'm thy mother still; and though thou art a wicked child, nature will speak; I love thee still-Ah, Dick! my poor Dick! [Embracing him Dick. Blood and thunder!-Will you ruin me? [Breaking from her. Am. Ah, the blasphemous rogue, how he swears! Dick. You destroy all my hopes. Am. Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet! Thou art an ungracious bird. Kneel down, and ask my blessing, sirrah. Dick. Death and furies! -See Am. Ah, he's a proper young man!what a shape he has--Ah, poor child! [Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her. Dick. Oons, keep off! the woman's mad. If any body comes, my fortune's lost. Am. What fortune, ha? Speak, GracelessAh, Dick, thou'lt be hanged, Dick. Dick. Good, dear mother, don't call me Dick here. Am. Not call thee Dick?-Is it not thy name?What shall I call thee?-Mr. Amlet?-Ha!Art not thou a presumptuous rascal ?-Hark you, sirrah; I hear of your tricks; you disown me for your mother, and say I am but your nurse.-Is not this true? Dick. No: I love you, I respect you, [ Taking her hand.] I am all duty. But if you discover me here, you ruin the fairest prospect that man ever had. Am. What prospect?-Ha!-Come, this is a lie, now. Dick. No, my honoured parent, what I say is true; I'm about a great fortune. I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law in a coach and six horses, if you'll but be quiet. I can't tell more now. Am. Is it possible? Dick. "Tis true, by Jupiter. Am. My dear lad Dick. For Heaven's sake Am. But tell me, Dick Dick. I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you all. Am. What a shape is there! Dick. Pray, mother, go. Am. I must receive some money here first, which shall go for thy wedding-dinner. Dick. Here's somebody coming-'Sdeath, he'll betray me! Enter FLIPPANTA. [He makes signs to his mother. Good morrow, dear Flippanta, how do all the ladies within? Flip. At your service, colonel: as far at least as my interest goes page. Am. Colonel!-Look you, now, how Dick's respected. [Aside. Dick. Waiting for thee, Flippanta, I was making acquaintance with this old gentlewoman here. Am. The pretty lad! He's as impudent as a [Aside. Dick. Who is this good woman, Flippanta? Flip. A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that hobbles about from house to house, tc bubble the ladies of their money. I have a small business of yours in my pocket, colonel. Dick. An answer to my letter? Flip. So quick indeed? No, it's your letter itself. Dick. Hast thou not given it then yet? Flip. I han't had an opportunity; but 'twont be long first. Wont you go in and see my lady? Dick. Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But, dear Flippanta, don't forget; my life and fortune are in your hands. Flip. Never fear; I'll take care of them. [Aside. Dick. [To his Mother.] Your servant, good Madam. [Exit. Am. Your honour's most devoted. A pretty, civil, well-bred gentleman this, Mrs. Flippanta.- -Pray whom may he be? Flip. A man of great note-Colonel Shapely. Am. Is it possible?—I have heard much of him, indeed, but never saw him before. One may see quality in every limb of him-He's a fine man, truly. Flip. I think you are in love with him, Mrs. Amlet. Am. Alas, those days are done with me! but if I were as fair as I was once, and had as much money as some folks, Colonel Shapely should not catch cold for want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank; they have something in their air does so distinguish them from the rascality. Flip. People of quality are fine things indeed, Mrs. Amlet, if they had but a little more money; but for want of that they are forced to do things their great souls are ashamed of—For example, here's my lady-she owes you but six and fifty pounds. Am. Well! Flip. Well, and she has it not by her to pay you. Am. How can that be? Flip. I don't know; her cash-keeper's out of humour; he says he has no money. Am. What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper? Tell his lady he has no money! -Now, Mrs. Flippanta, you may see his bags are full, by his being so saucy. Flip. If they are, there's no help for it; he'll do what he pleases, till he comes to make up his yearly accounts. Am. But Madam plays sometimesso, when she has good fortune, she may pay me out of her winnings. Flip. Oh, ne'er think of that, Mrs. Amlet; if she had won a thousand pounds, she'd rather die in a gaol, than pay off a farthing with it. Playmoney, Mrs. Amlet, amongst people of quality, is a sacred thing, and not to be profaned; 'tis consecrated to their pleasures; 'twould be sacrilege to pay their debts with it. Am. Why, what shall we do, then? For: ha'n't one penny to buy bread. |