HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIR 3: A FARCE, IN TWO ACTS. BY THE REV. MR. TOWNLEY REMARKS. THIS after-piece was, for a long period, attributed to Mr. Garrick, but it is now known to ha Juction of the Rev. James Townley, the master of Merchant Tailors' School.-The main ide have been suggested by the Spectator, No. 88, in which it is observed, been the pro of it appears to "Falling-in the other day at a victualling-house near the house of Peers, I heard the maid come down and tell the landlady the bar, that my Lord Bishop swore he would throw her out at the window, if she did not bring up more mild beer, and that my Lord Duke woul, have a double mug purl. My surprise was increased, in hearing loud and rustic voices speak and answer to each other upon the public affairs, be the names of the most illustrious of our nobility; till of a sudden one came running in, and cried the house was rising. Down came all the compa47 together, and away: The ale-house was immediately filled with clamour, and scoring one mug to the Marq. of such a place, oil and vinegar to such an Earl, three quarts to my new Lord for wetting his title, and so forth." A most important reform was effected, by this well-timed exposure, in the manners and habits of both servants and masters; the wastefulness and infidelity of the former were never more conspicuous than about 1759, when this piece was first acted. Amidst all the fluctuations of dramatic taste, it has for more than half a century received constant applause, and is on the stock-list of all the theatres in the kingdom. ACT I. SCENE I.—An apartment in FREEMAN'S Enter FREEMAN and LOVEL. Lov. Some time-I am now convinced of what you have so often been hinting to me, that I am confoundedly cheated by my servants. Free. Oh! are you satisfied at last, Mr. Lovel? --I always told you, that there is not a worse set of servants in the parish of St. James than in your kitchen. Lov. 'Tis with some difficulty I believe it now, Mr. Freeman; though, I must own, my expenses often make me stare:-Philip, I am sure, is an honest fellow; and I will swear for my blacks;if there is a rogue among my folks, it is that surly dog, Tom. Philip Free. You are mistaken in every one. is a hypocritical rascal; Tom has a good deal of surly honesty about him; and, for your blacks, they are as bad as your whites. Lov. But, to business.-I am resolved upon my frolic.-I will know whether my servants are rogues or not; if they are, I'll bastinado the rascals; if not, I think I ought to pay for my impertinence. Pray tell me, is not your Robert acquainted with my people? perhaps he may give a little light into the thing. Free. To tell the truth, Mr. Lovel, your setvants are so abandoned, that I have forbid him your house; however, if you have a mind to ask him any question, he shall be forthcoming. Lov. Let us have him. Free. You shall; but it is a hundred to one if you get any thing out of him; for though he is a very honest fellow, yet he is so much of a servant, that he'll never tell any thing to the disadvantage of another.-Who waits? [Enter SERVANT.] Send Robert to me. [Exit SERVANT.] And what was it determined you upon this project at last? Lov. This letter. It is an anonymous one, and so ought not to be regarded; but it has something honest in it, and put me upon satisfying my curiosity. Read it. [Gives the letter. Free. I should know something of this hand. [Reads. To PEREGRINE LOVEL, Esq. Please your honour, I take the liberty to acquaint your honour, that you are sadly cheated by your servants.-Your honour will find it as I say. I am not willing to be known, whereof, if I am, it may bring one into trouble. So no more from your honour's Servant to command. -Odd and honest! Well-and now what are the steps you intend to take? [Returns the letter. Lov. I shall immediately apply to my friend the manager, for a disguise: under the form of a gawky country boy, I will be an eye witness of my servants' behaviour. You must assist me, Mr. Freeman. Free. As how, Mr. Lovel? Lov. My plan is this:-I gave out, that I was going to my borough in Devonshire, and yesterday set out with a servant in great form, and lay at Basingstoke. Free. Well? Lov. I ordered the fellow to make the best of his way down into the country, and told him that I would follow him; instead of that, I turned back, and am just come to town: ecce signum! [Points to his boots. Free. It is now one o'clock. Lov. This very afternoon I shall pay my people a visit. Free. How will you get in? Lov. When I am properly habited, you shall get me introduced to Philip as one of your tenant's sons, who wants to be made a good servant of. Free. They will certainly discover you. Lov. Never fear, I'll be so countryfied that you shall not know me. Free. Shall you be able to play your part? Lov. I am surprised, Mr. Freeman, that you, who have known me from my infancy, should not remember my abilities in that way. But you old fellows have short memories. Free. What should I remember? Lov. How I played Daniel in the Conscious Lovers, at school, and afterwards arrived at the distinguished character of the mighty Mr. Scrub. [Mimicking. Free. Ha, ha, ha! That is very well.-Enough -here is Robert. Free. How do they behave?-we have nobody but friends-you may speak out. Lov. Aye, Robert, speak out. Rob. I hope your honours will not insist on my saying any thing in an affair of this kind. Lov. Oh, but we do insist, if you know any thing. Rob. Sir, I am but a servant myself, and it would not become me to speak ill of a brother ser vant. Free. Pshaw! this is false honesty; speak out. Rob. Don't oblige me, good Sir-Consider, Sir, a servant's bread depends upon his carackter. Lov. But if a servant uses me ill Rob. Alas, Sir, what is one man's poison is another man's meat. Free. You see how they trim for one another. Rob. Service is no inheritance. A servant that is not approved in one place, may give satisfaction in another. Every body must live, your honour. Lov. Robert, I like your heartiness, as well as your caution; but in my case, it is necessary that I should know the truth. Rob. The truth, Sir, is not to be spoken at all times, it may bring one into trouble, whereof, if Free. [Musing.] Whereof, if.'-Pray, Mr. Lovel, let me see that letter again. [LovEL gives the letter.] Ay; it must be so. Robert! Rob. Sir! Free. Do you know any thing of this letter? Rob. Letter, your honour. Free. Yes, letter. Rob. I have seen the hand before. Free. I ask you, if you were concerned in writing this letter?-You never told me a lie yet, and I expect the truth from you now. Rob. Pray, your honour, don't ask me. Lov. What induced you to it? [Bowing. Rob. I will tell the truth. I have seen such waste and extravagance, and riot, and drunkenness, in your kitchen, Sir, that, as my master's friend, I could not help discovering it to you. Lov. Go on. Rob. I am sorry to say it to your honour; but your honour is not only imposed on, but laughed at by all your servants; especially by Philip, who is a very bad man. Lov. Philip? an ungrateful dog! Well. Rob. I could not presume to speak to your honour, and therefore I resolved, though but a poor scribe, to write your honour a letter. Lov. Robert, I am greatly indebted to you.-. [Offers money. Here Rob. On any other account than this I should be proud to receive your honour's bounty, but now I beg to be excused. [Refuses the money. Lov. Thou hast a noble spirit, Robert, and I'll not forget you.-Freeman, he must be in the secret.-Wait your master's orders. Rob. I will, your honour. [Exit Free. Well, Sir, are you convinced now? Lov. Convinced? yes; and I'll be among the scoundrels before night. You or Robert must contrive some way or other to get me introduced to Philip, as one of your cottager's boys out of Essex Free. Ha, ha, ha! you'll make a fine figure. Lov. They shall make a fine figure. It must be done this afternoon; walk with me across the SCENE II-The Park. Enter DUKE'S SERVANT. Duke. What wretches are ordinary servants, that go on in the same vulgar track every day! eating, working, and sleeping!-But we, who have the honour to serve the nobility, are of another species. We are above the common forms, have servants to wait upon us, and are as lazy and luxurious as our masters.- -Ha! my dear, Sir Harry! Enter SIR HARRY'S SERVANT. -How have you done these thousand years? Sir H. My lord duke!-your grace's most obedient servant. Duke. Well, baronet, and where have you been? Sir H. At Newmarket, my lord;—we have had dev'lish fine sport. Duke. And a good appearance, I hear.-Pox take it, I should have been there, but our old duchess died, and we were obliged to keep house, for the decency of the thing. Sir H. I picked up fifteen pieces. Sir H. The viscount's people have been d-ly taken in this meeting. Duke. Credit me, baronet, they know nothing of the turf. Sir H. I assure you, my lord, they lost every match, for Crab was beat hollow, Careless threw his rider, and Miss Slammerkin had the distemper. Duke. Ha, ha, ha! I'm glad on't. Taste this snuff, Sir Harry. [Offers his box. Sir H. 'Tis good rappee. Duke. Right Strasburgh, I assure you, and of my own importing. Sir H. Aye! Duke The city people adulterate it so confoundedly, that I always import my own snuff.I wish my lord would do the same; but he is so indolent-When did you see the girls? I saw Lady Bab this morning; but, 'fore gad, whether it be love or reading, she looked as pale as a peni tent. Sir H. I have just had this card from Lovel's people. [Reads.] Philip and Mrs. Kitty present their compliments to Sir Harry, and desire the honour of his company this evening, to be of a smart party, and to eat a bit of supper. Duke. I have the same invitation; their master, it seems, is gone to his borough. Sir H. You'll be with us, my lord ?-Philip's a blood. Duke. A buck of the first head. I'll tell you a secret, he's going to be married. Sir H. To whom? Duke. To Kitty. Sir H. No! Duke. Yes he is, and I intend to cuckold him. Sir H. Then we may depend upon your grace for certain. Ha, ha, ha! Duke. If our house breaks up in a tolerable time, I'll be with you. Have you any thing for us? Sir H. Yes, a little bit of poetry. I must be at the Cocoa-tree myself to-night. Duke. Heigho!-I am quite out of spirits-I had a dd debauch last night, baronet.-Lord Francis, Bob the bishop, and I, tipt off four bot tles of Burgundy a-piece.--Ha! there are two fine girls coming, faith;-Lady Bab, aye, and Lady Charlotte. [Takes on his glass Sir H. We'll not join them. Duke. Oh, yes, Bab is a fine wench, notwithstanding her complexion; though I should be glad if she would keep her teeth cleaner.-Your English women are d―d negligent about their teeth. How is your Charlotte in that particular? Sir H. My Charlotte? Duke. Aye, the world says, you are to have her. Sir H. I own I did keep her company; but we are off, my lord. Duke. How so? Sir H. Between you and me, she has a plaguy thick pair of legs. Duke. Oh, d -n it, that's insufferable. Sir H. Besides, she is a fool, and missed her opportunity with the old countess. Duke. I am afraid, baronet, you love money.Rot it, I never save a shilling; indeed I am sure of a place in the Excise. Lady Charlotte is to be of the party to-night; how do you manage that? Sir H. Why, we do meet at a third place, are very civil, and look queer, and laugh, and abuse one another, and all that. Duke. A-la-mode, ha? Here they are. Lady B. Oh! fy! Lady Charlotte, you are quite indelicate; I'm sorry for your taste. Lady C. Well, I say it again, I love Vauxhall Lady B. O my stars! why, there is nobody there but filthy citizens. Lady C. We were in hopes the raising the price would have kept them out, ha, ha, ha. Lady B. Ha, ha, ha.-Runelow for my money. Lady C. Now you talk of Runelow, when dic you see the colonel, Lady Bab? Lady B. The colonel? I hate the fellow. He had the assurance to talk of a creature in Gloucestershire before my face. Lady C. He is a pretty man for all that: soldiers, you know, have their mistresses every where. Lady B. I despise him. How goes on your affair with the baronet ? Lady C. The baronet is a stupid wretch, and I shall have nothing to say to him. You are to be at Lovel's to-night, Lady Bab? Lady B. Unless I alter my mind. I don't admire visiting these commoners, Lady Charlotte. Lady C. Oh, but Mrs. Kitty has taste. Lady B. She affects it. Lady C. The duke is fond of her, and he has judgment. Lady B. The duke might show his judgment much better. [Holding up her head. Lady C. There he is, and the baronet, too. Duke. I must,-I must have a party of raillery with them, a bon mot or so. Sir Harry, you'll excuse me. Adieu; I'll be with you in the evening, if possible; though, hark ye, there is a bill depending in our house, which the ministry make a point of our attending; and so, you know, mum! we must mind the stops of the great fiddle.Adieu. [Exit. Phi. I am a pupil of the same academy, and not afraid of him, I assure you: Sir Harry, we'll have a noble batch; I have such wine for you! Sir H. I am your man, Phil. Phi. Egad, the cellar shall bleed: I have some Burgundy that is fit for an emperor; my master would have given his ears for some of it t'other day, to treat my Lord What-d'ye-call-him with, but I told him it was all gone, ha? charity begins at home, ha ?-Odso, here is Mr. Freeman, my master's intimate friend; he is a dry one. Don't let us be seen together; he'll suspect something. Sir H. I am gone. Phi. Away, away; remember, Burgundy is the word. Sir H. Right-long corks! ha, Phil? [Mimics the drawing of a cork.]-Yours. [Exit. Phi. Now for a cast of my office -a starch phiz, a canting phrase, and as many lies as necessary.-Hem! Enter FREEMAN. Free. Oh! Philip: how do you do, Philip ?— You have lost your master, I find. Phi. It is a loss, indeed, Sir. So good a gen Sir H. What a coxcomb that is! and the fellow can't read. It was but the other day that he was a cow-boy in the country, then was bound 'prentice to a periwig-maker, got into my lord duke's family, and now sets up for a fine gentle-tleman! He must be nearly got into Devonshire man. O tempora, O mores! by this time. Sir, your servant. Free. Why in such a hurry, Philip? Phi. I shall leave the house as little as possible, Re-enter DUKE'S SERVANT. Duke. Sir Harry, prithee what are we to do at now his honour is away. Lovel's when we come there? suppose. Sir H. We shall have the fiddles I Duke. The fiddles! I have done with dancing ever since the last fit of the gout. I'll tell you what, my dear boy, I positively cannot be with them, unless we have a little [Makes a motion as with the dice-box. Sir H. Fy, my lord duke. Duke. Look ye, baronet, I insist on it.-Who the devil of any fashion can possibly spend an evening without it ?-But I shall lose the girls. How grave you look, ha, ha, ha.-Well, let there be fiddles. Sir H. But, my dear lord, I shall be quite miserable without you. Duke. Well, I wont be particular, I'll do as the rest do.-Tol, lol, lol. [Exit, singing and dancing. Sir H. [Solus.] He had the assurance, last winter, to court a tradesman's daughter in the city, with two thousand pounds to her fortune, and got me to write his love-letters. He pretend ed to be an ensign in a marching regiment; so wheedled the old folks into consent, and would have carried the girl off, but was unluckily prevented by the washer-woman, who happened to be his first cousin. Enter PHILIP. -Mr. Philip, your servant. Sir H. Is this a wedding supper, Philip? Phi. The Duke is a fool. Sir H. Take care what you say; his grace is a bruiser. [Going. Free. You are in the right, Philip. Phi. Servants at such times are too apt to be negligent and extravagant, Sir. Free. True; the master's absence is the time to try a good servant in. Phi. It is so, Sir; Sir, your servant. [Going. Free. Oh, Mr. Philip, pray stay, you must do me a piece of service. Phi. You command me, Sir. [Bows. Free. I look upon you, Philip, as one of the best behaved, most sensible, completest [PHILIP bows.] rascals in the world. [Aside. Phi. Your honour is pleased to compliment. Free. There is a tenant of mine in Essex, a very honest man; poor fellow, he has a great number of children, and has sent me one of "em, a tall, gawky boy, to make a servant of; but my folks say they can do nothing with him. Phi. Let me have him, Sir. Free. In truth, he is an unlicked cub. Phi. I will lick him into something, I warrant you, Sir. Now my master is absent, I shall have a good deal of time upon my hands; and I hate to be idle, Sir; in two months I'll engage to finish him. KINGSTON and COACHMAN, drunk and sleepy. Coa. I'll not go; do you go, you black dog. Cou. Why then let them stay; I'll not go, King. Aye, aye, knock again, knock again. Coa. Master is gone into Devonshire. so he can't be there, so I'll go to sleep. King. So will I; I'll go to sleep too. Coa. You lie, devil, you shall not go to sleep till I am asleep; I am king of the kitchen. King. No, you are not king; but when you are drunk you are as sulky as hell.-Here is cooky coming; she is king and queen too. Enter COOK. Cook. Somebody has knocked at the door twenty times, and nobody hears.-Why, coachman!-Kingston !-Ye drunken bears, why don't one of you go to the door? Coa. You go, cook; you go. King. Yes, yes, cooky, go; Mollsy Pollsy, go. Enter PHILIP, with LovEL disguised. Phi. I might have staid at the door all night, as the little man in the play says, if I had not had the key of the door in my pocket. What is come to you all? Cook. There is John Coachman, and Kingston, as drunk as two bears. Phi. Ah, hah! my lads, what, finished already? -These are the very best of servants; poor fellows, I suppose they have been drinking their master's good journey. Ha, ha, ha. Lov. No doubt on't. [Aside. Phi. Yo ho! get to bed, you dogs, and sleep yourselves sober, that you may be able to get drunk again by and by. They are as fast as a church. Jemmy? Lov. Anon. Phi. Do you love drinking? Lov. Yes, I loves ale. Phi. You dog, you shall swim in Burgundy. Phi. Cook, wake these worthy gentlemen, and send them to bed. Cook. It is impossible to wake them. Lov. I think I could wake them if I might, heh? [Gives him a slap on the face. -n you. King. Oh! oh! what now! curse you! oh!Cot tam you. Phi. Ha, ha, ha; well done, Jemmy.-Cook, see these gentry to bed. Cook. Marry come up, I say so too; not I, in deed. Coa. She sha'n't see us to bed; we'll see ourselves to bed. King. We got drunk together, and we'll go to bed together. [Exeunt, reeling. Phi. You see how we live, boy. Lov. Yes, I sees how you live. Phi. Let the supper be elegant, cook. Phi. My master, to be sure; who else! ha, ha, [Aside. Phi. Each of us must take a part, and sink it in our next weekly bills; that is the way. Lov. So! [Aside. Cook. Prithee, Philip, what boy is this? Phi. A boy of Freeman's recommending. Lov. Yes, I'm 'Squire Freeman's boy,-heh. Cook. Freeman is a stingy hound; and you may tell him I say so. He dines here three times a-week, and I never saw the colour of his money yet. Lov. Ha, ha, ha, that is good; Freeman shall have it. [Aside. Cook. I must step to my tallow-chandler's, tc dispose of some of my perquisites; and then I'll set about supper. Phi. Well said, cook, that is right, the perquisite is the thing, cook. Cook. Cloe, Cloe, where are you, Cloe? Enter CLOE. Cloe. Yes, mistress. [Calls. Erit. Cook. Take that box, and follow me. Cloe. Yes, mistress. [Takes the box.] Who is this? [Sees LoVEL.] Hee, hee, hee! this is pretty hee, hee, hee. You shall be in love with me, by boy,-hee, hee, hee!-Oh, this is pretty red hair, and by-Hee, hee. [Exit, chucking Lovel under the chin. what a fine room is this!-is this the diningLov. A very pretty amour. [Aside] Oh la! room, pray, Sir? Phi. No, our drinking room. Lov. La! la! what a fine lady here is. This is Madam, I suppose. Enter KITTY. Phi. Where have you been, Kitty? Kit. I have been disposing of some of his honour's shirts and other linen, which it is a shame his honour should wear any longer.-Mother Barter is above, and waits to know if you have any commands for her. Phi. I shall dispose of my wardrobe to-morrow Phi. I intend the entertainment of this even ing as a compliment to you, Kitty. Kit. I am your humble, Mr. Philip. Phi. But I beg that I may see none of your airs, or hear any of your French gibberish with the duke. Kit. Don't be jealous, Phil. [Fawningly Phi. I intend, before our marriage, to settle [Pulls him by the nose. something handsome upon you; and with the five 2 |