thick; it demolishes dandies, and depopulates the whole tribe of speckle-faced nihilities. It gives decent men a chance, and consigns to their merited oblivion all red-eyed boobies. Such a rule works cogently, and is a good thing a devilish good thing-bonum ovum. It should be generally adopted in this benighted country. The dominion of boydom would then be over; it would breathe its last sigh gently as a sick hen. Misses in their facetious teens would no more snicker and blush even to their eye-brows at the compliments and stupid flatteries of some sentimental, kid-gloved, hook-nosed little gallant. Their flounces and furbelows would infest a ball-room or private party no more; those satinets, and jaconets, and bobinets would net no more minnows; I say minnows, for trout do n't bite at small baits. They are sensible fish, and know how to appreciate a good thing. Such a rule, if adopted, would accomplish another great desideratum in all goodly society. It would destroy with a keen and withering frost those rare exotics which silently bloom in their quiet simplicity. I refer to the species wall-flowers. Now they are indeed placid plants, quite content to waste their sweetness upon the desert air, but they always need some other soil than the one they at the time Occupy. In fact, to speak the literal truth, women or men stuck up against the wall, with an awful smile of affected contentment, puckering their lips, are fearful to look at. To be thrown within the sphere of their influence is not a good thing-it's a devilish bad thing- malum ovum. Methinks it is like a visit from Boreas, or a search after Sir John Franklin - quite cold and uncomfortable. It robs a man of his hilarity, divests him of his conviviality, and deposits upon his countenance an awful expression of stupidity. May HEAVEN have mercy upon all who hereafter in a gay may saloon be thus afflicted, and alleviate their calamity, as far as the circumstances of the case will permit which is small devilish small. Unto wall-flowers themselves, of whatever age or sex, Abdallah would politely but positively and pungently suggest a course of conduct: My dear, remain at home, and, folding your arms quietly, gaze at the family clock. It's a good thing, for it keeps time it's a devilish good thing — bonum ovum and will serve to occupy your rather vacant understandings. There you may snooze the long, long hours away in uninterrupted felicity, and no one .can molest you or make you afraid. Bonum ovum. To enjoy a visit where only one lady will be visible in the parlor, one must eschew all companions, and call alone. However congenial and friendly two men may be out of the lady's society, in it they insensibly become rivals, and one of them must temporarily yield his claims. They may smirk at each other, and endeavor to look the agreeable, but human nature is human nature, and one of the rascals is chuckling at his triumph all the time. A man is not a rock, or an old oak-stump : he cannot look at a beautiful woman showering favors upon another man, and displaying her preference for him by the loving gaze of her dark orbs, and not become a little excited. In fact, to be in company with a lovely woman, who smiles upon your companion, and is indifferent to you, is not a good thing- it is a devilish bad thing-malum ovum. But calling alone, one has a free sweep, fine swoop, and full scope. If the visitor be poetical and affects the muses, the moon, the stars, and all troubadour zephyrs are quite at his service. The sun too is obedient, and the various Roman gods and goddesses will come at his call. Homer and Horace are on hand, and he can rhapsodize on blind John Milton and the old English poets. He can sympathize with the sorrows of Burns, or depict with magnificent effect the unholy death of poor Edgar Poe. To be brief, he can very easily make a fool of himself, or on the contrary, if he be capable, confer infinite pleasure upon the fair lady. If he be a political gentleman, he can unbury the oftenexhumed Napoleon, or that huge tyrant Cæsar; he can belabor Arnold and eulogize Washington; he can spread himself upon the American eagle, and wave the banner of the Union in the halls of the Montezumas. If he be sentimental, there is the history of Mary, Queen of the Scots, rich in its details and entirely new, or the still more affecting tragedy of Barbara Allen, who murdered in cold blood a gallant youth yclept Jemmy Groves, Esq., A.M. The clerk may interest the lady with a discourse upon calico and Brussels lace, or may complacently allude to our commercial emporium.' The lawyer may expatiate upon the importance of his last case, the physician upon his last patient, and the poor devil of a school-teacher upon the flogging last administered to some hopeful scion of aristocracy. In fine, to visit a lady alone, removes all fetters, banishes all unnecessary restraint, and renders one decidedly comfortable. To do so is a good thing a devilish good thing - bonum ovum. In visiting, one frequently encounters sarcastic young ladies. On such occasions the gentleman should obsequiously bow to their superior wisdom and wit. It is not a supposable case that a man of twentyfive or thirty could have more experience or real sense than a young lady of seventeen, wise in her juvenescence, and sapient in her remarks. Such an idea would be an absurdity — malum ovum ! Consequently all sagacious Misses should neglect no opportunity of attacking all dignified gentlemen with antique bon-mots and concocted good things. All gentlemen should waive their dignity and spare the lady's feelings by the appearance of surpassing humility and absolute awe. In visiting, conversation should be sustained, though pauses are often agreeable. Some men imagine they must pour forth a stream of words, otherwise they will be pronounced dull and uninteresting. Sensible women do not so think. On the contrary, they rather like pauses. Thus they have opportunity for reflection, and time to analyze their own emotions and the remarks of their visitors. Such pauses, however, must not be rendered stupid. A calm negligé air should be visible in the faces of all present, and whoever resumes the conversation should do it with grace and elegance. I have known fools to attempt it, and they made a poor thing of it a devilish poor thing — malum ovum. In calling upon a bride, ceremony must be observed. If the visitor calls alone, he must not omit presenting his card in a proper manner. If there be several visitors, the bride must be honored with the card of each. Some little suggestions, too, should be made to the servant about the delivery of the cards. He should be instructed to approach the bride deferentially, handing her the cards one by one, and making his salaam, or bow, with the delivery of each. As soon as the visitors enter they should seat themselves with mathematical precision, and permit a stately pause to ensue. In the interesting interim the gentlemen might ruminate on matrimony, and the charms of a honey-moon. After suitable silence, the eldest and most voluble gentleman present should disturb the stillness with sapient observations on wedlock, and particularly on her marriage. He should conclude his discourse with something jocular, at which his companions should simultaneously snicker. A graceful calmness being thus obtained, the conversation may become general, and the weather especially may be discussed. After an interesting hour thus spent, they can appropriately retire with suitable obeisances and complacent chuckles. To call on a bride in this manner is a good thing. a devilish good thing-bonum ovum. There is nothing ridiculous or ceremonious or silly in such a proceeding, and it is well calculated to win the bride's favor, if she be an intellectual lady. Especially will the matter of the cards conciliate her. It is an enormous insult to call upon a lady without a card. In some of the States it is a penitentiary offence. Dr. Samuel Johnson, were he alive, could not be permitted to eschew the card custom. We might indulge the ponderous lexicographer in many of his whims; but we would bind him to the laws of etiquette. The old horse might kick, but we would curb him in. Edward Pinkney, however, and Henry Clay, I have been informed, ventured to call upon some of their lady-acquaintances without cards, and suffered, I was told, in consequence of the enormity, no diminution whatever of political renown or legal reputation. My informant, however, was a great liar, and I did not credit him. It cer tainly must have been a lie malum ovum! Upon the introduction of a stranger great attention should be bestowed. In the first place, the name of the lady, and his own, should be pronounced by the introducer in very low tones, so that neither of them can possibly hear the name given. This will produce a magnificent awkwardness, highly entertaining when the stranger addresses a remark to the lady. It is customary with us, but nevertheless wrong, for strangers to be introduced by their gentlemen acquaintances. One of the parents, or some one of the lady's relations is the proper person to bestow an introduction upon a stranger. Then the ceremony becomes pleasant to him, and he feels at once recognized by authority as an estimable acquaintance. But custom has established a pell-mell introduction in this progressive republic. So we must make the best of it as it is, and, although we oppose, we must assert it to be a good thing - a devilish good thing-bonum ovum. As soon as our friend makes the acquaintance, through our instrumentality, of the fair lady, we should at once rest content with our efforts, and throw the gentleman on his own responsibility. If he blushes, and is still as the blessed calmness of a summer eve let him thus remain. If he become restless and perturbed, by no means throw out any initiatory remark calculated to soothe his dismayed spirit. Offer no suggestion, ask no question, but let him repose in his enviable position, careful meanwhile that a placid smile floats upon our lips, beautiful as the silvery cloud upon October's ruddy sky. Bonum ovum! Engrossing the conversation is a vice so rare in this country that it is scarcely necessary to rebuke it. Occasionally, however, innocent young gentlemen, out of sheer condescension to the elder and more unattractive visitors, (when the parlor is full,) play the regal in discourse. They place upon their juvenile shoulders the burden of rendering every body comfortable and calm. Sometimes in these their very commendable and insinuating efforts, they rush up against a snag, in the shape of some intellectual gentleman, and, being vital, they are, of course, slightly injured. It should be suggested to very youthful gentlemen, that it requires brain to elicit and retain the pleased attention of miscellaneous companies. Brinsley Sheridan had decided talent in that way, and posterity reckons Thomas Jefferson an elegant conversationist. But my very young friends, they were matured men of remarkable mental calibre. Their contemporaries were delighted with their marvellous wit and most princely humor; but, odds fish! your conspicuous vanity without genius to support and regalize it, your abominable presumption without wit to authorize it, and your awful ignorance without an idea to illumine it, render very poor indeed your claims to present consideration or future glory. My young friends, be wise, and divest yourselves of superfluous agreeability. Acknowledge your errors to yourselves, abandon them forthwith, and commit yourselves to the guidance of a beneficent humility. It will be a good thing a devilish good thing-bonum ovum! Ladies are frequently highly entertained by visitors of unusual dignity and remarkable gravity. The sacred presence of such gentlemen gives an unusual balminess to the atmosphere of the parlor. Their demeanor, moreover, begets a corresponding solemnity upon the part of all present. One can thus conveniently ruminate upon the delightful themes of grave-yards, coffins, corpses, and the inexorable monster Death. To suggest such topics of such general interest at such a time is a good thing - a devilish good thing-bonum ovum! If one be particularly interested in any young lady present in general company, American etiquette explicitly demands that one should give unequivocal demonstrations of the fact. The lover must cling, like the clam to a rock, unto the side of his beloved. If the young lady flinches, and intimates in any manner her annoyance, he must not be abashed. Faint heart never won fair lady, and it is exceedingly sensible to woo her in the presence of others. Bonum ovum. Ladies should always make the proper distinction in regard to their visitors. The hopeful scion of the aristocracy of wealth should be treated with more deference than the intellectual poor gentleman. However elegant and agreeable the latter may be, to the former must be accorded all the glory of the visit. He has been nurtured in affluence and bred to luxury; and though noble thoughts have never petitioned for entrance within his cranium, he must be placed upon the eminence of superiority. This, etiquette peremptorily urges and custom sanctions. Intellect becomes ignominious when compared with gold; for the last hath carriages, and carpets, and curtains of exquisite device, and ladies love them all. All hail to men of pecuniary resources! but may the devil take all poor folks who are at the same time intellectual and proud. To be a poor visitor is not a good thing it is a devilish bad thing malum ovum ! The spider weaving webs along the wall, Where dust lies thick upon the cornice mould; The weakly flies, who sluggish crawl and fall Along the pane, streaked down where rain has rolled, Is all the life I see, and what I hear Is not of life, yet speaketh like a seer! That great old clock, how solemnly it ticks! Time's beating pulse-and, measured by the sun, As when we sit and wish the service done, Gazing upon it with long-wearied eyes, And through the dingy windows pours the sun, Dim, ghostly shade of what is on this side; And yonder organ-pipes of burnished gold, That grate so harshly on the modern sense, And, grim and tall, stands there the pulpit, oaken, ди |