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there, and seated, discussing the great advantages of having a 'man-teacher,' when the door opened and his great red nose hove in sight.
'Silence such as might have been felt pervaded the room: no sound was heard : but every eye, black, blue, hazel, and chestnut, was fastened upon him who was to hold the reins of government for the next half-year.
The 'big folks' think it a matter of no importance who sits at the helm of govern. ment to make and execute their laws. But here we, who were not allowed to vote in this or any other matter, but yet a community of future merchants, lawyers, mechanics, and clergymen sat on one side of the house, and on the other sat the wives, mothers, missionaries, and authoresses of the next half-century; and such a beastly. looking specimen of corporeal capacity, sent in by our parents to teach us! We did not like it.
A few days slid by very comfortably to all who preferred study to a sound whipping; but the day was coming, and soon arrived, when we were to make up all losses in the way of play. The 'bull-frog,' as he was familiarly called, entered the room that morning, as one of the large girls' said, 'disguised.' But really we could not see wherein; for he made more display of himself than usual in his many ineffectual attempts to rise. When fairly up, however, he turned square around, and, to our great amusement, said: "We'll open the school with prayer.' This was the first intimation that we had had that he was a religious man, and we were all taken too much by surprise to assume a very devotional attitude.
It was with some difficulty that Mr. Noal regained his seat, and while the first class was reading he fell into a recumbent position upon the side of the table, and was soon soundly snoring. This we considered a dismissal pro tem., and improved it by silently withdrawing, not wishing to disturb his nap. When fairly out, no bounds were set to the expressions of contempt by some, of regrets by others; while a few stoutly maintained that he was just such a teacher as they liked.
* This play we considered clear gain, and enjoyed it much more than we should have done had we been regularly dismissed. For some time we kept a watch at the door to report on the progress of the nap, which proceeded much to our liking. We were having a grand time with our teeter'- boards upon the highest fence, when, to our great consternation, rap! rap! rap! rap! went the ruler again at the window. I was high up in the air when the first sound came; but I did not remain long there; for the girl on the opposite end gave one bound, with, I guess we shall catch it,' and was off. I was not long in coming down, however, and I found my level much sooner than most people do who suddenly rise to elevated positions in the world.
“What she caught I do not know; but I was sure that it would be something the next time I got hold of her. Being left as I was in a puddle of water, behind a ten-foot fence, in a collapsed condition, it is not to be expected that I obeyed the call with as much alacrity as my fellow-students; but after a moment for breath and reflection I made my appearance at the door.
The teacher was seated in his arm-chair, evidently in a very happy state of mind; for, with the most obsequious smiles and gestures, he said, “Come in, my dove; you look as if there had been no abatement of the water from off the face of the earth yet.'
Old Noal! how I wished him back in the ark again, among the beasts, where he belonged. This ended my literary career for the winter, and I must needs remain at home and wait till some worthy 'school-ma'am'should take the chair.'
GOSSIP with READERS AND CORRESPONDENTS. -- Those of our readers, who were our readers eighteen years ago, will recollect a witty paper entitled • Contersations on Vegetable Physiology,' by WHARTON Griffitu, Esq., author of 'A Lift for the Lazy,' which went the rounds of the press throughout the Union. The following. War in the Wine-Cellar' is quite in the same sprightly and humorous vein:
"What does master mean,' said Colonel Madeira, his color rising as he spoke, indicating his resentment, 'by rolling a vulgar beer-barrel in amongst us choice spirits, who never associate with the canaille ?' shaking from him in his agitation the dust and cobwebs that for years had been collecting. We patricians, who can boast of foreign ancestry, and have circumnavigated the globe more than once, too, and whose acquaintance is sought after by the rich and mighty, how could he suppose for one moment we should tolerate such an intrusion?'
''And,' said Mrs. Sherry, turning pale with indignation, 'the precedent is wrong, decidedly wrong; other plebeians will presume upon this innovation when the facts come to be known.'
“Husile him out! hustle him out!' said lively Miss CHAMPAGNE, in her most spi. ritid, heady manner, effervescing with spite, so as to make her beads fly about her neck as though possessed, or suddenly seized with a fit of St. Virus's dance, and requiring, not chains, but wires, to keep her rage within bounds.
“Order! order! ladies and gentlemen!' spoke elderly Mr. Port, in a voice of authority. 'You all betray your ignorance of what becomes high birth and aristocracy of feeling, to deign to notice the interloper. Nabobs, like us, esteem him beneath contempt; and, depend upon it, our mistress, when it comes to her knowledge, will treat him with cold neglect; and he will regret from the bottom of his soul (that is, if their race hare any, which I am inclined to doubt) that he ever showed his face here; and, chagrined and mortified, he will become soured and morose, a complete misanthrope; and, I ask, with what greater misfortune could any of our jovial band desire him to be visited ?' So saying, the old nabob, purple with the effort of making such a long speech, rested his gouty foot on the shelf and prepared him for his usual siesta.
"Soured, indeed!' screeched Messrs. Claret and Hock, with vinegar looks, both speaking at once. Mr. Hock has the floor,' cried the demijohns and the bottles all; and fashionable Mr. Hock, with a ‘Beau Brummelisu' air, stood deliberately scanning through his eye-glass, from stem to stern, the frightened, burly beer-barrel. Soured, indeed! a worse evil than that will overtake him, I trust, for his unpardonable, insufferable impudence thus to thrust himself into the society of the elite ; and I will only say to this august assembly, that by the cultivated taste and the refined, acid-ulated wine is highly appreciated. But,' said the exquisite, readjusting his glass, smoothing his imperial, and viewing with complacency his shiny suit of green, 'I shall give him the cut direct, were he my grand-father, 'pon honor!'
A slight pause ensued among the nobility, when, from a remote, dark corner of the cellar, in a little squeaking voice, and with a nasal twang, spoke Ginger Pop, his eyes glimmering like tiny glow-worms, and his cork just ready to fly with passion :
"You need not abuse and trample under foot us republican democrats,' said he, ‘although noble blood does not flow in our veins. Still, the family of Hops, in England, are a very aspiring, climbing sort of folks, and of old and respectable origin, and allowed all the world over to possess more patriotism than any other family. We are considered indispensable in keeping 'Independence;' the demand for us on the Fourth of July is a caution. The WASHINGTONIANS will even smack their lips at us, whilst you, every mother's child of you, are looked upon as hostile to the American Constitution, enemies to mankind, and anathematized by all; but as poisons are administered in small doses, in extreme cases, so are you resorted to in some incurable diseases. Whilst, on the contrary, we have the good will of all, and are looked upon as inoffensive and good citizens; and as for you, Miss CHAMPAGNE, permit me to give you a piece of my mind. You are no better than you should be, trying to impose upon folks with your ‘Parlez vous francais.' You had better mind your beads, and take yourself off to the Jerseys, bag and basket, where you came from.' And Ginger Por, still foaming with wrath, paused to take breath; then, in a whining, canting tone, added : If we should all live through the winter, which for my part I feared I could not survive, my constitution being always weakly, as I had no strength, nor even body, until I was forty-eight hours old, and dreading sometimes lest I should burst with the frost -- I say, should our lives be spared until spring, we shall see what we shall see. We democrats will beat you aristocrats all hollow.'
'For a time, amazement at the audacity of a poor, forlorn, isolated, forgotten little orphan Yankee pottery bottle, venturing to squeak forth such a tirade of abuse, kept each one silent. And then such a clamor was heard as has seldom been equalled, even in old Tammany. Quiet at length being restored, old Mrs. JAMAICA, who had been reeling about her nook, with the assistance of her daughters, Gin and WHISKEY, her whole neck and face glowing like an ember, with swollen cheeks and carbuncled nose, puffing and blowing, and filling the cellar with her odorous breath, not quite like the 'south wind stealing over a bed of violets,' clearing her throat for a speech, with a thick, inarticulate voice, moved 'That a committee of the whole be appointed to take into sober consideration the propriety of setting forth their grievances to their mistress, and, in defiance of master's remonstrances, expelling sans ceremonie the corpulent beer barrel, the cause of all the disturbance.' Although 'Time's busy finger on her brow had written age, yet the old lady's face was dyed with roseate blushes, which, partially illuminating the apartment, made .darkness visible,' as she, with her pale and shadowy daughters left the rostrum, and with a limping and uncertain gait regained her shelf. Mrs. JAMAICA then treated resolution' by way of a nocturnal head-gear, and the dram proving soporific, she sank into an uneasy slumber, which fact was soon made known to all by the terrific snores that reverberated through the cellar.
'Alas! poor, unpretending, humble beer-barrel! the innocent cause of this commotion, trembling with fright, death staring him in the face, the cream of his life gone, steadying himself on end, murmured from the bung-hole an apology to the lords and ladies all.
First, tendering his thanks to his cousin Ginger Pop, for the able defence he had made of his pedigree, he then assured them that if the key-hole were larger, he would make his P. P. C., but his bulk prevented that; and although the manner in which he had been treated by the company of choice spirits in whose presence, without his consent, he found himself, was calculated to em-bitter his feelings, still he would feel under great obligations to them if they would permit him for one night to lodge on the stone floor, and he would unite with them in the morning in supplicating the mistress to send him back to his friends, who, he was happy to say, were very strong ones.
The servile, cringing manner of the terrified beer-barrel operated favorably upon the minds of the overbearing aristocrats, their anger was appeased, the fermentation ceased, and peace and harmony once more reigned in the wine cellar:'
Liquor-wars are not ended yet. - - . 'Bishop STEVENSON,' of Pittsburgh, is a perfect bird.' Our readers have heard of, and from him, heretofore. We have never set eyes' on him, and yet we fancy that we know him. He belongs to that class of religious wharf-rats, which we used to see and hear on Sundays about the pier-heads on the East and North Rivers, until Mayor Wood pretermitted their evangelism. It's curious: but we never meet one of 'em of a week-day, in the central thoroughfares, without at once — through the power of association - being made aware of the presence of tar, bilge-water, scrap-iron, and old rope. Well: Bishop STEVENSON,
located’ promiscuously along the various avenues of commerce centering in Pittsburgh, essaying to discharge high service in exercise of his office, took seat in the cars one evening, with an eye to a missionary tour to the benighted vicinity of Greensburgh, and because of inability to comply with one of the trifling regulations of the company touching the matter of fare, was compelled to change platforms some miles from town, and left at Turtle Creek. In the language of the Bishop himself: the plane Staitment of the matter, is i spoak to the bagage master the evening Before Respecting of going to greensburgh and to Let me hav a fre pas Going and Returning which his repli was com and see about the Mater wich i did and the agint sade go to the conductor and prech him a serman and he shuld taik me. and when the conducter come to me he asked me Whare I was Going too and i reply to greensburgh to Delivir a corse of lecturs he asked me for a ticket wich i had non and stated to him they alowed me to prech him a serman and he shuld Take me. he sade the compeny had no soles, making of them worst than hethens, as regards the amortal sole. and he stated i wuld hay to Go out at the first station wich was turtle crick — wich i was left in a Bad situasion as regards the meanes of Getting alonge and sufford to be Left amonge a comunity that had a hart as hard as the conducter in a Starving situation and no Whares to lay my hed on.' An enthusiastic admirer of the Bishop does not hesitate to say :
'I CONFESS to a peculiar pride in being permitted to rank myself among the number of the Doctor's friends. I have enjoyed the satisfaction of standing under more than one of his 'corse of lecturs:' I have admired his eloquence, when, in spite of the manifold annoyances which have assailed him, pebbles pelting, deposits of hen’s-nests made projectiles of, crushing about him, meat-hooks in the market-houses whose blocks hare been his rostrum inserted in his nether broadcloth, and all that -- I have admired his eloquence, I say, when under such a combination of untoward circumstances, he has maintained his place, and spent his glowing thoughts upon the ears of congregations, unmoved, unterrified, serene. I have been witness to his matchless skill in the management of intricate questions, setting points beyond cavil in a quarter of an hour's treatment which have been in controversy ever since doctors began to disagree, and felt myself filled with wonder that from handling threads and needles on a tailor's board, one could have been found to ascend through the spheres of peddling ‘esanses,' mostly sinamont, as being most in demand,' and scouring cloths, and inventing patent “savs' for burns and blisters, price twenty-five cents a box, up to such reach of perfection in span of a life-time.' We hope to see the ‘ Bishop'soon. - • . You will hear from 'Jonn Phenix,' the author of the following, and other equally capital satirical burlesques, at first hands' hereafter in these pages:
•Major Golian O'Grady GAIAgax, late of the II. E. I. Company's service, has the honor to inform the gentlemen of San-Francisco of his arrival from Calcutta, and he offers them his professional services as a Duellist and Professor of the Code of Ilonor.
From his great experience and skill in his profession, having had the pleasure to be engaged in orer four thousand 'affairs of honor,' and to have slain in personal combat, during the past thirty years, two hundred and thirty-eight gentlemen of high respectability, Major GAHAGAN Batters himself that he shall be able to gire satisfaction to the chivalry of San-Francisco, and to conduct their little 'affairs' with unequalled eclat.
'In soliciting the patronage of this enlightened community, Major GAHAGAN has the honor to submit the following scale of fees, which he has put at such an exceedingly low figure as to place a duel in the power of a gentleman of the most limited means.
For demanding an apology,...............................
'For arranging and carrying through a hostile meeting, as follows:
With duelling pistols, ten steps........
... $100 Ditto, furnishing pistols, ammunition, surgeon, and carriages, 200 With rifles, thirty steps, .............
150 Ditto, with muskets, ditto.....
150 With Colt's revolvers, six shots...
200 Ditto, six pounders, field pieces, (artillery provided,)........ 500 For settling satisfactorily a difficulty, 'without prejudice to the honor of either party,' as follows:
. . $100
When the lie has been given,.....
75 50 150 150 175 200
"As a line must be drawn some how, Major G. feels it his duty to announce that he will on no account consent to serve in an affair between persons of color, and that bis charges for conducting a duel between two tailors will be nine times as great as the ordinary fees, the proverbial tenacity of life of those tradesmen rendering this arrangement imperative.
"As interference with a gentleman's profession is an outrage by no means to be tolerated, Major GAHAGAN deems it his duty to inform all gentlemen who may think proper to engage in an affair of honor hereafter, whether as principal or seconds, without his assistance, that he will hold them personally responsible for so doing, in each and every instance.
Posting, as Liar, Coward, and Scoundrel, by card or placard, executed on the most reasonable terms, and eligible lots in the Lone Mountain Cemetery provided for the unfortunate, or steamer tickets furnished the survivors for a small commission. Address Major GOLIAI O'GRADY GAHAGAN, corner of Clay and Leavenworth streets, upstairs.
Notices of the Press. --- From the Bundeleund ‘Galaxy,' June the 15th, 1854 - The fight yesterday between Major GAHAGAN and the Hon. Fitz Roy JOBSON, was one of the most beautifully conducted affairs we ever had the pleasure of witnessing. With five successive shots from a Cour's revolver, the gallant Major removed his adversary's five front-teeth, and with the sixth took off, as cleanly as with a scalpel, an inch and a half from the end of his nose, the profuse hemorrhage ensuing, rendering Mr. Jobson hors de combat for the nonce.
Major GALAGAN attended the honorable company's ball in the evening, when we noticed him mingling in the mazes of the dance with Lady EMILIE JOBSox, etc., etc.'
From the Calcutta ‘Evening Journal,' Aug. 9th, 1854 --- “The duel between the gallant Major GAHAGAN and the Lord-Bishop of Bengal, came off this morning at daylight, and resulted in the Bishop's receiving an ounce-ball on the pit of the stomach. . On learning the nature of his adversary's wound, the Major wittily remarked that he was much to be pitied, adding that he would have winged the Bishop, but for the fear of inaking an angel of him prematurely.
‘Hundreds of similar testimonials to the above may be seen by applying to Major G. 0. G. G. at his oflice.
There is a most trenchant satire in this. . - . "The following incident,' writes' G. B. P.,' from whom we shall be glad to hear again, was related to me some years since, and afforded me so much amusement at the time, and whenever it has occurred to me since, that I am tempted to jot it down for the amusement of your readers, albeit, I must premise, that it loses half its savor in the telling: Mr. F — , who was for some years the President of one of the Southern telegraph companies, and for a much longer time the