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by a private Soldier. One Richard Middleton, a private soldier, åttending divine service with the rest of the regiment, at a church in Glasgow, instead of pulling out a bible, like his brother soldiers, in order to search for the text, spread a pack of cards before him.
This singular behaviour did not long pass unnoticed, either by the minister or the serjeant of the company to which he belonged : the latier, in particular, commanded him to put up his cards; and, on his refusal, conducted him, after divine service, before the chief magistrate, to whom he preferred a formal complaint of Richard's irreverend behaviour. “Well, soldier,” said the magistrate, “ what excuse have you to offer for this Strange and scandalous behaviour? If you can make Way apology, or assign any reason for it, 't is well;" if
you cannot, assure yourself that I will cause you to be severely punished.”_Since your honour is so good,” replied Richard, was to permit me to speak for myself
, an't please your worshipi have been eight-days on the march, with a bare allowance of sixpence a day, which, your honour will surely allow, is hardly sufficient to find a man in mcat, drink, washing, and other necessaries; and, consequently he may want either a bible, prayer-book, or any other book.” On saying this, Richard pulled out his cards, presented one of the aces to the magistrate, and continued his addiess to him as follows-6. When I see an ace, may it please your honour, it reminds me that there is only one God; and when I look on a two, or a three, the former puts me in mind of the Father and Son, and the latter of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. A four calls to my remembrancethe four evangelists, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John ; a'five, the five wisę virgius who were ordered to trim their lamps, there were ten ordered, but five, your worship may remember, were wise, and five were foolish.
-A six, that in six days God created heaven and earth; a seven, that on the seventh day he rested from all he had made ; an eight, of the eight righteous perscuts preserved from the deluge, viz. Noah and his wife, with his three sons and their wives; a nine, of the lepers cleansed by our saviour-there were ten, but one only returned to offer his tribute of thanks; and a ten, of the ten commandments.” Richard took the knave, and placed it by him; and then passed to the queen, on which he observed as follows :-" This queen, your worship, reminds me of the queen of Sheba, who came from the uttermost parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; as her companion, the king, does of the great king of heaven, and of king. George the third."-"Well," replied the magistrate,
you have given me a very good deseription of all the cards except the knave."-"* If your honour will not be angry with me," replied Richard, “ I can give you the same satisfaction as to that, as of any card in the pack."-"I will not,” said the magistrate. * Welt,' returned the soldier, " the greatest kaave I know is the serjeant who brought me before you.'
-56 I don't know,"replied the magistrate, “ whether he is the greatest knave, or not, but I am sure he is the greatest fool of the two." The soldier then proceeded. When I count the number of dots in a pack of cards, there are 365;. so many days are there in a year. When I count how many cards, there are in a pack, I find fifty-two; so many weeks are there
When I reckon how many tricks are won by a pack of cards, I find there are thirteen ; so many months are there in a year. So that this pack of cards is both bible, almanack, and prayere book, 14 me."
The magistrate then called fisserie ants, ordered them to entertain the soldier well, gave him a piece of money, and said he was the resercs fellow in the whole regiment.
in a year,
Preached by the Rev. Mr. Dodd, in a hollow tree. The Rev. Mr. Dodd, a very worthy minister, wha lived a few miles from Cambridge, had rendered himself obnoxious to many of the cantabs by frequently preaching against drunkennessj several of whom meeting him on a journey, they determined to make him preach in a hollow tree which was near the road side. Accordingly, addressing him with great apparent po. liteness, they asked him if he had not lately preached much against drunkenness. On his replying in the affirmative, they insisted that he should now preach from a text of their chusing. In vain did he remonstrate on the unreasonableness of expecting him tơ give them a discourse without study, and in such a place; they were determined to take no denial, and Dae word MALT was given to him by way of text; on which he immediately delivered himself as follows.---
“ Beloved, let me crave your attention.-I am a lite. tle man, come at a short warning, to preach a short sermon, from a small subject, in an unworthy pulpit, to a small congregation. Beloved, my text is MALT; I cannot divide it into words, it being butone; nor into syllables, it being but one: I must, therefore, of necessity, divide it into letters, which I find to be these four, M-A-L-T. “M, my beloved, is Moral, --A, is Allegorical,--L, Literal, --T, Theological. The Moral is set forth to teach you drunkards good man. ners; therefore, M, masters -A, all of you-L, listen-T, to my text. The Allegorical is when one thing is spoken and another thing is meant, Thes thing spoken of is male; the thing meant, is the juice of mált; which you cantabs make---M, your master, -A;' your apparel, --L, your liberty,--and T, your trust. The literal is, according to the letter--M,
much--A, ale,-1, little-T, trust. The Theologi
"I shall improve this : first, by way of exhortation,--M, -inasters, -A all of you--L, leave off-T tippling; or, secondlv, by way of excommunication,-M, masters,—A, all of you---I, look for–T, torment; thirdly, by way of caution, take this: a drunkard is the annoyance of
modesty, the spoil of civility, the destruction of reasOnan, the, brewer's agent, the alehouse benefactor, his
wife's sorrow, his children's trouble, his own shame,
He then concluded in the usual form; and the young men, pleased with his ingenuity, not only sincerely thanked him, but abso. lutely profited more by this short and whiinsical ser. mon, tiran by any serious discourse they had ever heard,
THE SCOTCH BAGPIPER.
A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Germany, opened his wallet by a wood side, and sat down io dinner. No sooner had he said grace, than three wolves came about him; to one he threw bread, to another cheese, till his provender was all gone.-- At lergth he took up his pipes, and began to play; at which the wolves all ran away. The deel faw me, said Sawney, gin I had kenn'd you lo'ed music sa weel, you should ha' faen il be
ON QUACKS. Whatever may
be the merits of the English in other sciences, they seem peculiarly excellent in the art of healing. There is scarcely a disorder incident to humanity, against which our advertising doctors are not possessed with a most infallible antidote. professors of other aris confess the inevitable intrica. cy of things; talk with doubt, and decide with he. sitation : but doubting is entirely unknown in medi: cine; the advertising professors here delight in cases of difficulty; be the disorder never so desperate or radical, you will find numbers in every street, who by levelling a pillai the part affected, promise a certain cure without loss of time, knowledge of a bedefellow, or hinderance of business.
When I consider the assiduity of this profession, their benevolence lamazes me. They not only in general give their medicines for half value, but use the most persuasive rea monstrances to induce the sick to come and be cured. Sure there must, be something strangely obstinate in an English patient, who refuses so much health upon such easy terms! Does he take a pride in being bloated with a dropsy? Does he find pleasure in the al. ternations of an intermittent fever? Or feel as much satisfaction in nursing up the gout, as he found please
ure in acquiring it ? He must, otherwise he would _ never reject such repeated assurances of instant re
lief. What can be more convincing than the manner ! in which the sick are invited to be well? The doctor
first. begs the most earnest attention of the public to what he is going to propose; he solemnly ailirms the pill was never found to want success; he produces a list of those who have been rescued from the grave by taking it. Yet, notwithstanding all this, there are many here, who now and then think proper to be