SCENE

[To them] Servant.

IV.

Serv. Sir Sampson is coming down to wait upon you Ang. Good bu'y Uncle-Call me a Chair---I'll find out my Aunt, and tell her, fhe must not come home.

Fore. I'm fo perplex'd and vex'd, I am not fit to receive him; I fhall fcarce recover myself before the Hour be paft: Go Nurfe, tell Sir Sampson I'm ready to wait on

him.

Nurfe. Yes, Sir.

Fore. Well-Why, if I was born to be a Cuckold, there's no more to be faid- -he's here already.

Forefight and Sir Samplon Legend with a Paper. Sir Samp. Nor no more to be done, old Boy; that's plain-here 'tis, I have it in my Hand, Old Ptolomee; I'll make the ungracious Prodigal know who begat him; I will, old Noftrodamus. What, I warrant my Son thought nothing belong'd to a Father, but Forgiveness and Affection; no Authority, no Correction, no Arbitrary Power; nothing to be done, but for him to offend, and me to pardon. I warrant you, if he danc'd 'till Doomsday, he thought I was to pay the Piper. Well, but here it is under black and white, Signatum, Sigillatum, and Deliberatum; that as foon as my Son Benjamin is arriv'd, he is to make over to him his Right of Inheritance. Where's my Daughter that is to be- -hah! old Merlin! body o'me, I'm fo glad I'm reveng'd on this undutiful Rogue. Fore. Odfo, let me fee; Let me fee the Paperfaith and troth, here 'tis, if it will but holdthings were done, and the Conveyance made-.. When was this fign'd, what Hour? Odfo, you should have confulted me for the Time. Well, but we'll make hafte

-Ay,

-I wish

Sir Samp. Hafte, ay, ay; hafte enough, my Son Ben will be in Town to Night-I have order'd my Lawyer to draw up Writings of Settlement and Jointure All fhall be done to Night-No matter for the Time; pr'ythee, Brother Forefight, leave Superftition-Pox o'th' Time;

B 5

there's

there's no time but the time prefent, there's no more to be faid of what's past, and all that is to come will happen. If the Sun fhine by Day, and the Stars by Night, why, we fhall know one another's Faces without the help of a Candle, and that's all the Stars are good for.

Fore. How, how? Sir Sampson, that all? Give me leave to contradict you, and tell you, you are ignorant.

Sir Samp. I tell you I am wife; and fapiens dominabitur aftris; there's Latin for you to prove it, and an Argument to confound your Ephemeris. Ignorant--I tell you, I have travell'd old Fircu, and know the Globe. I have feen the Antipodes, where the Sun rifes at Midnight, and fets at Noon-Day.

Fore. But I tell you, I have travell'd, and travell'd in the Celestial Spheres, know the Signs and the Planets, and their Houses. Can judge of Motions Direct and Retrograde, of Sextiles, Quadrates, Trines and Oppofitions, Fiery Trigens and Aquatical Trigons. Know whether Life fhall be long or short, Happy or Unhappy, whether Difeafes are Curable or Incurable. If Journeys fhall be pro-fperous, Undertakings fuccefsful; or Goods ftol'n recover'd, I know

Sir Samp. I know the Length of the Emperor of China's Foot; have kiss'd the Great Mogul's Slipper, and rid a Hunting upon an Elephant with the Cham of Tartary,— Body o'me, I have made a Cuckold of a King, and the prefent Majefty of Bantam is the Iffue of thefe Loins.

Fore. I know when Travellers lye or fpeak Truth, when they don't know it themselves.

Sir Samp. I have known an Aftrologer made a Cuckold in the twinkling of a Star; and feen a Conjurer, that cou'd not keep the Devil out of his Wife's Circle.

Fore. What, does he twit me with my Wife too? I mult be better inform'd of this, [Afide.]Do you mean my Wife, Sir Sampfon? Tho' you made a Cuckold of the King of Bantam, yet by the Body of the Sun

Sir Samp. By the Horns of the Moon, you wou'd say, Brother Capricorn.

Fore. Capricorn in your Teeth, thou Modern Mandevil; Ferdinand Mendez Pinto was but a Type of thee, thou Lyar of the first Magnitude. Take back your Paper of Inheri

tance;

-I muft

tance; fend your Son to Sea again. I'll wed my Daughter to an Egyptian Mummy, ere fhe fhall Incorporate with a Contemner of Sciences, and a Defamer of Virtue. Sir Samp. Body o'me, I have gone too far;not provoke honeit Albumazar,an Egyptian Mummy is an Illuftrious Creature, my trusty Hieroglyphick; and may have Significations of Futurity about him; Odsbud, I would my Son were an Egyptian Mummy for thy fake. What, thou art not angry for a Jeft, my good HalyI reverence the Sun, Moon and Stars with all my Heart.

What, I'll make thee a Prefent of a Mummy: Now I think on't, Body o'me, I have a Shoulder of an Egyp tian King, that I purloin'd from one of the Pyramids, powder'd with Hieroglyphicks, thou fhalt have it brought home to thy House, and make an Entertainment for all the Philomaths, and Students in Phyfick and Aftrology in and about London.

Fore. But what do you know of my Wife, Sir SampJon?

Sir Samp. Thy Wife is a Constellation of Virtues; she's the Moon, and thou art the Man in the Moon: Nay, the is more Illuftrious than the Moon; for fhe has her Chastity without her Inconftancy, 'sbud I was but in jeft.

SCENE

[To them] Jeremy.

VI.

Sir Samp. How now, who fent for you? Ha! What wou'd you have?

Fore. Nay, if you were but in jeft-Who's that Fellow? I don't like his Phyfiognomy.

Sir Samp. My Son, Sir; what Son, Sir? My Son Benjamin, hon?

Jere. No, Sir, Mr. Valentine, my Mafter

-'tis the firit time he has been abroad fince his Confinement, and he comes to pay his Duty to you.

Sir Samp. Well, Sir.

SCENE VII.

Forefight, Sir Sampfon, Valentine, Jeremy.

Jere. He is here, Sir.

Val. Your Bleiling, Sir.

Sir

Sir Samp. You've had it already, Sir, I think I fent it you to Day in a Bill of Four thousand Pound: A great deal of Money, Brother Forefight.

Fore. Ay indeed, Sir Sampson, a great deal of Mony for a young Man, I wonder what he can do with it!

Sir Samp. Body o'me, fo do I,— Hark ye, Valentine, if there be too much, refund the Superfluity; Doft hear, Boy?

Val. Superfluity, Sir, it will fcarce pay my Debts,I hope you will have more Indulgence, than to oblige me to thofe hard Conditions, which my Neceffity fign'd to. Sir Samp. Sir, how, I befeech you, what were you pleas'd to intimate, concerning Indulgence?

Val. Why, Sir, that you wou'd not go to the Extremity of the Conditions, but release me at least from fome Part.

Sir Samp. Oh Sir, I understand you

that's all, ha? Val. Yes, Sir, all that I prefume to ask. -But what you, out of Fatherly Fondnefs, will be pleas'd to add, fhall be doubly welcome.

Sir Samp. No doubt of it, fweet Sir, but your filial Piety, and my fatherly Fondness wou'd fit like two Tallies. -Here's a Rogue, Brother Forefight, makes a Bargain under Hand and Seal in the Morning, and would be releas'd from it in the Afternoon; here's a Rogue, Dog, here's Confcience and Honefly; this is Wit now, your this is the Morality of your Wits! You are a Wit, and have been a Beau, and may be a- Why Sirrah, is it not here under Hand and Seal- -Can you deny it? Val. Sir, I don't deny it.

J

Sir Samp. Sirrah, you'll be hang'd; I fhall live to fee you go up Holborn-Hill-Has he not a Rogue's Face?

Speak, Brother, you understand Phyfiognomy, a hanging Look to me- -of all my Boys the most unlike me; he has a damn'd Tyburn-Face, without the Be nefit o'the Clergy.

Fore. Hum-truly I don't care to difcourage a young Man - he has a violent Death in his Face;

for that old

but I hope no Danger of Hanging. Val. Sir, is this Ufage for your Son? Weather-headed Fool, I know how to laugh at him; but vou, Sir

Sir

Sir Samp. You, Sir; and you, Sir:Why, who

are you, Sir?

Val. Your Son, Sir.

Sir Samp. That's more than I know, Sir, and I believe not.

Val. Faith, I hope not.

Sir Samp. What, wou'd you have your Mother a Whore! Did you ever hear the like! Did you ever hear the like! Body o'me.

Val. I would have an Excufe for your Barbarity and unnatural Usage.

Sir Samp. Excufe! Impudence! Why Sirrah, mayn't I do what I please? Are not you my Slave? Did not I beget you? And might not I have chofen whether I would have begot you or no? 'Oons who are you? Whence came you? What brought you into the World? How came you here, Sir? Here, to ftand here, upon those two Legs, and look erect with that audacious Face, hah? Answer me that? Did you come a Volunteer into the World? Or did I, with the lawful Authority of a Parent, prefs you to the Service?

Val. I know no more why I came, than you do why you call'd me. But here I am, and if you don't mean to provide for me, I defire you would leave me as you found me.

Sir Samp. With all my Heart: Come, uncafe, ftrip, and go naked out of the World, as you came into't.

Val. My Clothes are foon put off; But you must also divest me of Reason, Thought, Paffions, Inclinations, Affections, Appetites, Senfes, and the huge Train of Attendants that you begot along with me.

Sir Samp. Body o'me, what a many-headed Monfer have I propagated!

Val. I am of my felf a plain eafy fimple Creature; and to be kept at fmall Expence; but the Retinue that you gave me are craving and invincible; they are fo many Devils that you have rais'd, and will have Employment. Sir Samp. 'Oons, what had I to do to get Children, can't a private Man be born without all thefe Followers? Why nothing under an Emperor fhould be born with Appetites,- -Why at this rate a Fellow that has but a

Groat

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