Sea Story THE Big American Newspaper Edi tor had been shipwrecked on a remote, luxuriant islet of the South Pacific. Being, of course, a man of tremendous understanding, he required but a short time to master the language of the simple people who inhabited the islet. He exhibited great interest in their manners, customs, and mode of living. "Of course," he remarked to one of the prominent men of the village in which he had settled, "you have here no such thing as the newspaper." The native admitted that it was so. "How do you deal with your murderers?" asked the editor. "Murderers?" replied the brown man, somewhat shocked. "We have never had a murder on the island." "You don't tell me!" gasped the editor. "Well-er-what sort of penal system do you have?" "My dear sir," said the native, straightening to his full height, "there has never been a criminal among us." The American mopped his brow. "Er-you have courts of law," he continued, "to redress wrongs and see that there is justice to a certain extent?" The brown man looked at him queerly. "But what use would we possibly have for them?" he asked. "There has never to my knowledge been a complaint of injustice here." "B-but how do you deal with unhappy A GOOD ALL AROUND MAN marriages?" asked the editor weakly. "I'm afraid," replied his host, smiling, "that our marriages are not marriages in your sense of the word." "And-and you have no liquor law violators, no war department, no grafting public officials?" "None," replied the islander. The great journalist rose, red-faced, trembling. "By gad, sir," he roared, "you don't deserve to have a newspaper!" E. M. Curtis. AGE Florida Glossary GENT-One who, or that which, acts; a poseur; a faker. Functions best during booms (which see). Boom-A rising noise; explosion. "Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing," as the Swan of Avon so cleverly puts it. Deal-The process by which you exchange land that you never had for money that you will never get. Lot-A great deal, an ample amount. Humorous or ironic. Prospects-Expectations, or things which you are certain will never eventualize. A password of agents. Real-estate-Bounded property, especially remarkable for its unreality or non-existence. Sucker-A common confection, held in the mouth and licked at intervals by the tongue. All-day sucker-one that lasts. Simonetta. "Classified" CORINNE GRIFFITH, that cele brated eyesore, is happily cast in Edna Ferber story "Classified," an considering one of those unscrupulous, hard-boiled, worldly-wise and heavenprotected working girls to be encountered all along the sidewalks of New York. It is a rôle infinitely more adapted to Miss Griffith's talents than that of any of the Gertrude Atherton or Zoë Akins grandes dames whom she has impersonated of late. In her performance, Miss Griffith achieves moments of truth; these, however, are the only legitimate moments in the picture. For the movie moguls, as is their way, have seen fit to convert "Classified" into a gag comedy, employing all the current wheezes about the girl who walked home from the automobile ride. It is good stuff of its kind, well directed by Al Santell, and frequently amusing; but it is not within hailing distance of Edna Ferber's story or, for that matter, of reality. "Classified" may be written down as a typical movie. "Seven Keys to Baldpate" IT is disappointing to record that Douglas MacLean has missed the mark in his production of "Seven Keys to Baldpate." What should have been a memorable picture is no better than pretty good. When I say that "Seven Keys to Baldpate" should have made a memorable picture I am voicing an advance estimate which appears now to be faulty. George Cohan's comedy seemed to possess all the elements which make for surefire entertainment on the screen, but an examination of the MacLean picture (and it is produced with all this nimble comedian's skill) indicates that every effect in the play was a purely theatrical effect, imagined and "Lights of Old contrived solely for purposes of the stage. The seven keys themselves, each of which, in the play, caused more uproarious laughter than its predecessor, aren't good for more than a casual snicker in the movie. was "Seven Keys to Baldpate" George Cohan's most artful trick, the perfect evidence of his amazing craftsmanship. But it is of the theatre, and not of the movies, and all the efforts of Douglas MacLean and his overworked collaborators could not make it otherwise. Manuscripts, like fish, should not be removed from their native element. "Lights of Old Broadway" first and greatest hit as an Irish girl in "Little Old New York," Marion Davies evidently felt that she could prolong the triumph in a similar rôle and a similar situation. She was sadly mistaken. "Lights of Old Broadway" is a painfully pale imitation of "Little Old New and characterless York" plotless, lacklustre. It reeks with atmosphere, which means that historical characters and the current price of eggs are constantly being dragged into the subtitles, at the expense, it may be said, of the continuity. For instance: a little (Continued on page 36) HAVING scored her AUT SCISSORS AUT NULLUS Among the Philistines A stage "strong man," an Englishman, was performing in Germany after the war. He did marvels, but no one applauded. Even his supreme feat of balancing a dozen men and as many ponies on his outstretched arms failed to bring a single token of appreciation from his audience. Shaking off his assistants, he advanced to the footlights, and shouted: "Can any one here speak English?" A keen Teutonic voice replied from the back of the hall: "I, sir, understan' a leetle." "Oh, do yer?" yelled the strong man. "Then curse you for a start!" -London Daily News. 'Twas Ever Thus Professor Phelps relates that when he was a boy he used to set type on a religious journal which became noted for its typographical errors and misplaced paragraphs. One day, in the column, "Ministers and Churches," there appeared in the proof, "Lillian Russell will wear tights this winter." How it got there no one knew. The editor in disgust crossed out the line and wrote "such is life!" on the margin. When the paper appeared it contained, among the news of the clergy, "Lillian Russell will wear tights this winter. Such is life!" -Boston Transcript. A Ghost on James Island There were two Negresses living on "Jeems" Island [South Carolina], and one evening Diana, who lived upstairs, upon hearing a noise, said: "Who dat?" Nan, who lived downstairs, said: "Who dat da say 'who dat'?" Diana replied: "Who dat da say 'who dat' when I say who dat?" -Charleston News and Courier. "WAITER, this beer is muddy." "Oh, madam, you are mistaken! The glass is dirty."-Le Ruy Blas (Paris). The foreign trade supplied from LIFE'S London Office, Rolls House. Breams Buildings, London, E. C. Canadian distributor, The American News Company, Ltd., 386-388 St. James Street, Montreal, Canada. No contributions will be returned unless accompanied by stamped and addressed envelope. LIFE does not hold itself responsible for the loss or non-return of unsolicited contributions. Notice of change of address should reach this office two weeks prior to the date of issue to be affected. |