Greg. You're no doctor?

Sir J.

Greg.
Sir J.
Greg.
I am sure
Sir J.

Jam.

him.

Doctor! no.

There-'tis done. (Beats him.)
Done! in the name of mischief, what's done?
Why, now you are made a doctor of physic. (Aside.)
it's all the degrees I ever took.

What bedlamite of a fellow have you brought here?
I told you, sir, the doctor had strange whims with

Sir J. Whims, quotha!-Truly! I shall bind his physicianship over to his good behavior, if he have any more of these whims.

Greg. Sir, I ask pardon for the liberty I have taken.

Sir J. Oh! it's very well; it's very well, for once.
Greg. I am sorry for these blows.

Sir J. Nothing at all, nothing at all, sir.

Greg. Which I was obliged to have the honor of laying so thick on you.

Sir J. Let's talk no more of 'em, sir-my daughter, doctor, is fallen into a very strange distemper.

Greg. Sir, I am overjoyed to hear it; and I wish, with all my heart, you, and your whole family, had the same occasion for me as your daughter, to show the great desire I have to

serve you.

Sir J. Sir, I am obliged to you.

Greg. I assure you, sir, I speak from the very bottom of my

soul.

Sir J.

Greg.

Sir J.

I do believe you, sir, from the very bottom of mine.
What is your daughter's name?
My daughter's name is Charlotte.

Greg. Are you sure she was christened Charlotte?

Sir J.

No, sir; she was christened Charlotta.

Greg. Hum! I had rather she should have been christened Charlotte. Charlotte is a very good name for a patient; and, let me tell you, the name is often of as much service to the patient, as the physician is. Pray, what's the matter with your daughter? what's her distemper?

Sir J. Why, her distemper, doctor, is, that she has become dumb, and no one can assign the cause-and this distemper, sir, has kept back her marriage.

Greg. Kept back her marriage! why so?

Sir J. Because her lover refuses to have her till she's cured. Greg. O lud! was ever such a fool, that would not have his

wife dumb!-Would to heaven my wife was dumb; I'd be far from desiring to cure her. Does this distemper oppress her

very much?

Sir J. Yes, sir.

Greg.

Sir J.

So much the better. Has she any great pains?

Very great.

Greg. That's just as I would have it. We great physicians know a distemper immediately. I know some of the college would call your daughter's distemper the Boree, or the Coupee, or the Sinkee, or twenty other distempers; but I give you my word, sir, your daughter is nothing more than dumb; so I'd have you be very easy, for there is nothing else the matter with her-if she were not dumb, she would be as well as I am.

Sir J. But I should be glad to know, doctor, from whence her dumbness proceeds.

Greg. Nothing so easily accounted for. Her dumbness proceeds from her having lost her speech.

Sir J. But whence, if you please, proceeds her having lost her speech?

Greg. All our best authors will tell you, it is the impediment of the action of the tongue.

Sir J. But, if you please, dear sir, your sentiment upon that impediment.

Greg. Aristotle has, upon that subject, said very fine things; very fine things.

Sir J. I believe it, doctor.

Greg. Ah! he was a great man; he was indeed a very great man, who, upon that subject, was a man that—but, to return to our reasoning: I hold that this impediment of the action of the tongue is caused by certain humors, which our great physicians call-humors-humors-ah! you understand Lat

in

Sir J. Not in the least.

Greg. What! not understand Latin?

Sir J. No, indeed, doctor.

Greg. Cabricius arci Thurum Cathalimus, Singulariter non. Hæc musa, hic, hæc, hoc, Genitivo hujus, hunc, hanc, Musæ, Bonus, bona, bonum. Estne oratio Latinus? Etiam. Quia Substantivo et Abjectivum concordat in Generi, Numerum, et Casus, sic aiunt, prædicant, clamitant, et similibus.

Sir J. Ah! why did I neglect my studies?
Jam. What a prodigious man is this!

Greg. Besides, sir, certain spirits, passing from the left side,

which is the seat of the liver, to the right, which is the seat of the heart, we find the lungs, which we call in Latin, Whiskerus, having communication with the brain, which we name in Greek, Jackbootos, by means of a hollow vein, which we call in Hebrew, Periwiggus, meet in the road with the said spirits, which fill the ventricles of the Omotaplasmus, and because the said humors have-you comprehend me well, sir ?-and because the Isaid humors have a certain malignity-listen seriously, I beg you

Sir J. I do.

Greg. Have a certain malignity, that is caused-be attentive, if you please—

Sir J. I am.

Greg. That is caused, I say, by the acrimony of the humors engendered in the concavity of the diaphragm; thence it arrives, that these vapors, Propriaque maribus tribuunter, mascula dicas, Ut sunt divorum.-This, sir, is the cause of your daughter's being dumb.

Jam. O that I had but his tongue!

Sir J. It is impossible to reason better, no doubt. But, dear sir, there is one thing-I always thought till now, that the heart was on the left side, and the liver on the right.

Greg. Ay, sir, so they were formerly, but we have changed all that. The college, at present, sir, proceeds upon an entire new method.

Sir J. I ask your pardon, sir.

Greg. Oh, sir, there's no harm; you're not obliged to know so much as we do.

Sir J. Very true; but, doctor, what would you have done with my daughter?

Greg. What would I have done with her? Why, my advice is, that you immediately put her into a bed warmed with a brass warming-pan: cause her to drink one quart of spring water, mixed with one pint of brandy, six Seville oranges, and three ounces of the best double refined sugar.

Sir J. Why, this is punch, doctor.

Greg. Punch, sir! Ay, sir; and what's better than punch, to make people talk? Never tell me of your juleps, your gru. els-your-your-this, and that, and t'other, which are only arts to keep a patient in hand a long time. I love to do a business all at once.

Sir J. Doctor, I ask pardon, you shall be obeyed. (Gives money.)

Greg. But hold !-Sir Jasper, let me tell you, it were not amiss if you yourself took a little lenitive physic: I shall prepare something for you.

Sir J. Ha ha! ha! No, no, doctor; I have escaped both doctors and distempers hitherto, and I am resolved the distemper shall pay me the first visit.

Greg. Say you so, sir? Why, then, if I can get no more patients here, I must even seek 'em elsewhere; and so humbly beggo te Domine Domitii veniam goundi foras. (Exit.)

Sir J. Well, this is a physician of vast capacity, but of exceeding odd humors. He, no doubt, understands himself, however, and I have great faith in his prescription. I honor the learned doctor. (Exeunt.)

XI. FROM THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE.-Colman and

Garrick.

MR. STERLING-SIR JOHN MELVILL.

(Enter Sterling and Melvill.)

Sterling. And now, sir, I am entirely at your service. What are your commands with me, Sir John?

Sir John. After having carried the negotiation between our families to so great a length; after having assented so readily to all your proposals, as well as received so many instances of your cheerful compliance with the demands made on our part, I am extremely concerned, Mr. Sterling, to be the involuntary cause of any uneasiness.

Ster. Uneasiness! what uneasiness? Where business is transacted as it ought to be, and the parties understand one another, there can be no uneasiness. You agree, on such and such conditions, to receive my daughter for a wife; on the same conditions, I agree to receive you as a son-in-law; and as to all the rest, it follows, of course, you know, as regularly as the payment of a bill, after acceptance.

Sir J. Pardon me, sir, more uneasiness has arisen than you are aware of. I am myself, at this instant, in a state of inexpressible embarrassment; Miss Sterling, I know, is extremely disconcerted too; and unless you will oblige me with the assistance of your friendship, I foresee the speedy progress of discontent and animosity through the whole family.

Ster. Why! what is all this? I don't understand a single syllable.

Sir J. In one word, then, it will be absolutely impossible for me to fulfill my engagements in regard to Miss Sterling. Ster. How, Sir John! Do you mean to put an affront upon my family? What, refuse to

Sir J. Be assured, sir, that I neither mean to affront nor forsake your family. My only fear is, that you should desert me; for the whole happiness of my life depends on my being connected with your family, by the nearest and tenderest ties in the world.

Ster. Why, did you not tell me, but a moment ago, that it was absolutely impossible for you to marry my daughter? Sir J. True. But you have another daughter, sir. Ster. Well!

Sir J. Who has obtained the most absolute dominion over my heart. I have already declared my passion to her: nay, Miss Sterling herself, is also apprised of it; and if you will but give a sanction to my present addresses, the uncommon merit of Miss Sterling will no doubt recommend her to a person of equal, if not superior rank to myself; and our families may still be allied by my union with Miss Fanny.

Ster. Mighty fine, truly! Why, what the plague do you make of us, Sir John? Do you come to market for my daughters, like servants to a statute-fair? Do you think that I will suffer you, or any man in the world, to come into my house, like the grand seignior, and throw the handkerchief first to one and to t'other, just as he pleases? Do you think I drive a kind of African slave-trade with them, and

Sir J. A moment's patience, sir. Nothing but the excess of my passion for Miss Fanny, should have induced me to take any step that had the least appearance of disrespect to any part of your family and even now, I am desirous to atone for my transgression, by making the most adequate compensation that lies in my power.

Ster. Compensation! what compensation can you possibly make, in such a case as this, Sir John?

Sir J. Come, come, Mr. Sterling, I know you to be a man of sense, a man of business, a man of the world. I'll deal frankly with you; and you shall see that I don't desire a change of measures for my own gratification, without endeavoring to make it advantageous to you.