Fail not on Wednesday, and by so doing you will oblige much very P.S. I hope you will charge your lowest price, and if you please not to send me a duffill one, but cloth, and full yard long. Please to send it to Mr. Field's, the waterman, who comes to the Bee-Hive, at Queen Hithe. Pray don't send me a duffill one, but cloth one; I have altered my mind, I should not like it duffill, but cloth; let it be full yard long, and let it be cloth, and not more than eleven shillings at most, one of the cheapest you have, and full yard long. Send two, both of a length, and both large ones full yard long, both of a price, they be both for one woman. They must be exactly alike for goodness and price. Fail them not on Wednesday, and full yard long. Fragment of a letter from Slang Slap Bang, to the Mandarine Hum Bug Foam, at Pekin. I am to inform thee, illustrious Hum, that I am become well acquainted with this extraordinary people; and a more extraordinary one, sure the Deity never created. Among other eccentricities, or what we in China call whims, the English are prodigiously fond of fighting three or four mighty nations at the same time; each, perhaps, three or four times more numerous than their own. Nothing can intimidate them by sea or land abroad; but in all my circuitous peregrinations, I have never met with a people so soon frightened at home. A strange ship, not bigger than the jourdan of thine aunt Quim Si, was this morning espied through a glass, at the distance of about twenty miles. All was consternation! I was amused, even to laughter at the sight; I traversed the streets, I looked in at the windows; I beheld two artisans, in one house, getting drunk with a wine called porter, and weeping for the danger that threatened their poor country; in another I espied a man they call a barber, stagger into a room to inform an exciseman of the enemy's approach. (An exciseman, great Hum, is the personage who carries, or rather wears, his Majesty's inkhorn.) These scenes struck my fancy, and I have delineated them for thy observation, to the best of my poor abilities; they are, I confess, but faint representations. I should be better enabled, magnanimous uncle of Twang Gang! to send thee some curious particulars of this people, were I not now and then confoundedly puzzled by the terms they make use of, and which their books do not explain. This leads me to the mention of a circumstance which has, alas! robbed me of my rest; my heart is scorched! I chanced yesterday to see a female so comely, that my eyes could not be withdrawn from her charms. I demanded of a native, who she was? what was her name ?—He answered, she was Comeatable! Descendant of the Moon! What is Comeatable? I have searched the British dictionaries, and cannot find Comeatable! I am in love—I am in despair!Cætera desunt. From an eminent Undertaker in Town, to an eminent Physician in the Country. Dear Sir, My heart is almost broke. The papers of the day are enough to distract me.-Decreased in the burials last week, seventy-five; decreased in the burials this week, forty-two; and this has been the trade ever since you have been out of town; for God's sake, dear doctor, consider, though you have filled your own coffers, your poor old friend is a starving. All tradesmen must live, and we cannot live, unless other people die; and unassisted nature will never employ a thousandth part of our business. Besides, people have got a knack of remaining above ground after their death, “Mrs. Keith's corpse was removed from her husband's house, in Mayfair, the middle of October, 1740, to an apothecary's, in South Audley-street, where she lies in a room hung with mourning, and is to continue there, till Mr. Keith can attend her funeral."- -Zounds, if this become a fashion, we shall shortly have a posthumous world. The coffin-makers, the feather shops, the plumers, and the embalmers, the grave diggers, &c. &c. &c. are all on the point of breaking, 'Tis true, the apothecaries stand us in some stead, those honest fellows throw us in an odd hetacomb of carcasses every now and then, but they can't go on with half the vigour they did when they were aided by your efficacious prescriptions; those prescriptions which finished affairs at a blow, and were infallible mittimus's to the realms of silence and tranquillity. I have just now had one of my mutes with me, who has made such a damn'd noise for his money, that I expect to hear nothing distinctly for this twelvemonth; and to mend matters, in comes the tax-gatherer (would to God, doctor, he were in your hands,) and brings a bill a yard long, on account of the tax upon coaches and hearses. He's a good likely fellow, and would make a charming corpse; and I heartily wish I had the burying of him and all his fraternity.-You see, sir, the necessity of restoring yourself to the public, since business so stagnates without you; neither will the intemperance of the times, the sedulity of the apothecaries, war, pestilence, and famine, suffice for our purpose, if you continue in the country. Yours affectionately, CHARLES COFFIN. Dick Deathwatch, my partner, and Harry Hatchment, the herald painter, desire their respects. The following Letter, which may be regarded as a grave joke, was addressed to the Clerk of the Parish of· whose name was Gilbert. Mr. Gibbery, My wife wants to be buried-dig a deep grave, and she shall come up to-morrow. Yours, &c. ***** ** "Let me see, you left us at Worcester, and 'twas well you did, or quod would have been the word. Besides the Worcester people are quite altered-such an undiscerning audience! would you think it, my dear friend, after playing all my tip tops, such as Hardcastle, Doiley, the grave-diggers, first and second, which I can do with any man in the kingdom, they had the blindness to prefer old Edwin, who only played for a few nights, and when my ben came on, it was all my eye; a paper house-a meeting of creditors-so I left them to make a dividend, and came away with my wardrobe in my pocket handkerchief, a short stick in my hand, and the first volume of Sterne's Sentimental Journey in my pocket. With these, I set forward on a pedestrian tour. As I came through a small village near Hereford, I observed a crowd of people in high glee surrounding a mountebank stage, on which a Merry-Andrew was performing various tricks and fancies. You know my way is to seize mirth wherever I find it, so I seated myself on a stone bench at the door of a public-house opposite, and as it was about the hour I generally take my drops, I called for my quantum, and whilst I smoked my pipe in comfort, though reduced to my last shilling, joined in the laugh, for really the fellow was very whimsical. But guess my surprise, when the doctor came forward, at beholding my old friend, manager Horton, to whom I introduced you at Stone. Tony,' said I to myself, 'thou art in luck! the doctor is in full practice, he must prescribe for thee, surely he'll stand a quid.' Dressed in a scarlet coat, laced waistcoat, and ruffled to his finger's end, he alarmed the natives, and they threw up their handkerchiefs, (each inclosing a shilling) by hundreds. The prize that day, was a breeding sow, and six little pigs; I had but one shilling left, but the doctor was my friend, and he had many, so od rabbit it! thinks I, I'll try my fortune. Still there required some management, the only handkerchief I possessed contained my wardrobe; however, once set upon the thing, I was not to be baulked with trifles; so slipping behind the house, I drew off one of my boots, robbed my leg of its stocking, and placing my shilling in its foot, wrapped up with a small scrap of paper on which I wrote " Tony Lebrun's last shift." I threw it up, and saw the doctor open it; when he had perused the note, he cast a scrutinizing glance amongst the mob, but not descrying me, he was on the point of retiring, when luckily he cast his eye towards the public house, and as I have not an every day appearance you know, he recognized me with a gracious bow, which I as magnificently returned. The sport went on, the MerryAndrew ate fire, balanced coach-wheels, and danced the rope; at length the awful moment arrived; handkerchiefs were claimed with eagerness, but, to the disappointment of the owners, contained nothing but powders, pills and drops; at last, the elegant covering that contained my deposit, made its appearance; the owner was called for, and Od rabbit it, Mr. Romney, if I was not ashamed to own it, hang me up like a dog! however, the third time I came forward, and put in my claim; thinking to shew a degree of calm indifference, I did not examine the contents, but put the stocking in my it pocket and returned to my pipe; for as all the handkerchiefs I had seen opened, contained pills and powders, and as I valued not such trash, I felt little curiosity. "The sport over, the winner of the prize was desired to come forward, but nobody answered; Od rabbit it, thinks I, let's have a peep, who knows but this may prove my lucky day! slowly unfolding the cotton covering of my leg, I found a scrap of paper, on which was written the following elegant couplet: "This here is one of fortune's rigs. Come up my friend, and claim the pigs." 'Od rabbit it, you might have knocked me down with a straw! I was so pleased, and at the same time so perplexed, for what could I do with pigs?-how dispose of them?where put them? An actor of my merit, who had had the honour to perform in most of the theatres royal in the kingdom, turned swine-herd! however I determined to claim my prize let the consequence be what it would; so up I mounted, and had no sooner made my exalted and first appearance on that stage, than I was greeted with a general huzza! and though I am not easily put out of countenance, this was more than my modesty could well stand. The doctor now harangued the mob,- Ladies and gemmen, all's fair and above board, do ye see, none of your canuvering; every gemman that vins a prize receives it there and then;' thus saying, he opened a pen, and out came six young pigs, and the old fat sow. This here little gemman in the cocked hat, who is the owner of that there prize, has only to pay Mr. Merryman a shilling, and he may drive his hogs to another market.' 'Here was an incident, Mr. Romney; I could as soon pay the national debt as another shilling, and my driving the pigs would have been a pretty exhibition for the natives. I gave the doctor to understand the state of my finances, when with wonderful quickness he turned from me, and holding up a guinea, Mr. Merryman, the gemman vants change.' That is,' replied the clown, he vants twenty hog before he can drive off his pigs.' When the change was procured, he counted it into my hand, but with astonishing dexterity, and unperceived by the crowd, smuggled them into his own pocket, which I of course countenanced, by pretending to put them into mine. The mob dis 6 |