Constant 'twould be uncandid to deny ; but if you knew how he treated me Sparr. Bad enough, I dare say; he almost broke his father's heart. The old gentleman would have cut him off from the entail of the estate, if he could; but de mortuis, you know we won't disturb the ashes of the dead. And may I then presume Soph. Oh, sir, pardon my confusion, whilst I confess, the gallantry of your air and manner Sparr. Something smart about me, certainly. Soph. The generosity of your proposals (Aside.) Sparr. A thousand a year jointure, and an handsome equipage. Soph. Have stolen so imperceptibly upon my heart Sparr. Speak on, thou enchantress! The wax is warm, and now's the time to fix the impression. (Aside.) Soph. That it owns you for its lawful sovereign. Soph. Oh, sir, there begins my misery. Sparr. The devil it does! Soph. I shall never be able to reveal it: yet how can I deceive one who has acted so noble a part? Sparr. What means my angel? Soph. Nay, sir, call me not angel. Sparr. Not an angel? Isn't every thing about you heavenly? Your eyes, constellations! Your lips, dropping manna! And your whole shape formed and turned by the Graces and the Loves! I should like (Aside.) to see her legs though. Soph. Oh, no, sir; for- how shall I reveal it - I never can reveal it - I shall die with confusion. Sparr. And I with suspence. Soph. Then you must know, sir I shall never be able to tell it, if you look me in the face. Sparr. Well, you'll excuse me for turning my back upon you. (Turns his chair round.) Soph. Certainly. Sparr. Now then, if you please. Soph. You know the pear tree, sir, at the bottom of our garden? Sparr. Very well. Soph. There it happened. Sparr. What happened? Soph. One day I climb'd it, to get some of the green fruit, but happening to reach too far, I fell down, and broke my right leg. Sparr. So, so: a surgeon was called in of course? Soph. Yes, sir, and I had another made of cork. Sparr. 'Sdeath and the devil! Soph. Thinking you might find it out if we were married Sparr. Most probably. Soph. I thought it best to reveal it at once. And now, sir, let me entreat you, by the affection you bear me, to conceal your knowledge of this event from my father, whilst I retire to recover from my confusion. [Exit. Sparr. (solus.) A cork leg! So this is the mystery of the long petticoats. Any thing else might have been overlooked, but I never heard of a man's marrying a woman with a cork leg; there's no precedent for it, and I never do any thing without a precedent. Though I am but a limb of the law myself, I must have a wife complete in all her branches. Here comes that old rogue her father; I don't wonder he was in such a hurry for the match. I'll banter him. Enter the Justice. Just. F. Well, shall I give you joy -shall I give you joy? Have you struck her? Sparr. Struck her yes, and she has struck me too? Just. F. What, with admiration? Sparr. With perfect wonder! Do you know, friend Fidget, it may be fancy, perhaps ; for we lovers are apt to be whimsical; but your daughter appeared to me higher on one side than the other. Just. F. What? Sparr. I thought, when she left me, she waddled away like a lame duck out of the alley. Just. F. A lame duck! Why, then, you're a goose for thinking so. Nature never form'd a more exact symmetry. She is, as my wife used to say, a perfect model of the Venus-what dy'e call her there. Sparr. Why, she does in some respects resemble a statue. Just. F. A statue! Oh, you think the girl hasn't life enough? is ! Sparr. Just so. What an impudent rascal it Just. F. A little more animation, you think, would become her? Sparr. I do, upon my soul. Just. F. Maiden coyness mere maiden coyness. Marry her, only marry her, and you'll find her flesh and blood all over, I warrant. Sparr. Indeed! What, sound wind and limb, eh? Just. F. Perfectly. Sparr. To be free with you, I doubt it. Sparr. I think there's here and there a limb that would require a touch of the Promethean torch. But to be serious, for I find you won't take a hint—what mark of stupidity do you see about me, to lead you to suppose I shall be bamboozled into this marriage? Just. F. Bamboozled! what d'ye mean? Sparr. Not to marry a woman who climbs pear Sparr. You really don't understand me? Sparr. Why, then, as there's a private reason why I can't marry your daughter, take my advice, and make the best of the matter, by giving her to the cork cutter. Just. F. The cork-cutter! Mercy on me, what can he mean? AIR 8th. Sparr. I could marry a witch, if, like Midas of old, The first time I touch'd her, she'd turn into gold; For tho' she were homely, 'tis odds but she'd be To Venus as like, as Adonis to me. |