Member for Staffa, for we should have no constituents, and we could sit "Let's now at once throw every care away, Friday. The BISHOP OF LONDON has done brave battle against the May his Lordship's mitre never be less, unless it should not fit him, and he should wish it taken in. dence has been going on for two years between the Government of LORD PALMERSTON answered an important question. Corresponwhat are now the Re-United States and our own Ministers, on the folks were so fond of glorifying, may have involved us in a serious subject of the depredations by the Alabama. This pirate, whom some scrape. But at present the controversy proceeds on very friendly and amicable terms. We are also going to ask MR. JOHNSON to assist us in watching the slaveholders on the Cuba coast. A Colonial debate. A Navy Estimate debate, and the thermometer at 80°. Talk of the Church's Martyrs, look at the State's, who are not only roasted, but bored. "Any ornaments for your fire-stoves " COLONEL STODARE could supply at half a minute's notice, and to suit capricious tastes, could change a daisy to a dahlia, or a primrose to a peony, with one wave of his walking-stick. How he coolly kills a woman and restores her to life, we prefer not to tell, because we don't know how. But clearly there is no mistake about the fact. A real basket is brought in and placed upon a real stool, and then a real woman is popped into the basket, and ere you can cry "Police!" the Colonel draws a real sword and stabs the basket through and through, and you see the sword all red and dripping with her blood (which flows, we understand, straight from the juggler vein), and you hear her scream and shriek, loudly, faintly, and more faintly, till you seem to see her dead: when, behold the basket empty and the woman all alive, and let us not say kicking, while the audience applaud. A STUPID person sometimes is said to be "no conjuror," and in that sense may the phrase be applied to the two persons who have made themselves notorious as the Brothers DAVENPORT. Conjurors to some extent they may admittedly have been; but so stupid were their tricks that such conjurors were more to be regarded as "no conjurors." To get into a cupboard and untie a bit of rope, and bang a bell about, can hardly be called an entertaining feat of jugglery, nor is it very amusing to see or rather not to see a juggler take his coat off while sitting in the dark, and with both hands tied behind him. Silly stupid tricks like these could scarcely be called conjuring; and the persons who performed them, although certainly not spirit-helped, were as certainly "no conjurors." Fools who went to see the DAVENPORTS perform their stupid tricks were asinine enough to pay a guinea for a sitting; but people who are wise enough to wish to see a conjuror who really is a conjuror, need only pay a shilling for the privilege of doing so. Let them go to the Egyptian Hall and ask for COLONEL STODARE, any night at eight o'clock, and if the shilling seats be full, let them pay two shillings more and have a stall to stretch their legs in. The COLONEL very frankly calls himself a conjuror, and puts forth no pretence to having spirits for confederates. Yet, to see the tricks he does, one might fancy that a troop of little tricksy spirits were ever at his elbow. Puck and Ariel might certainly assist at his séances, so full of entertainment and so 'cute and clever are they. So practised is his hand that you would think he daily does his tricks in private life, and never cuts an orange without finding a half-crown in it. When we saw him take a flower-pot and a few handfuls of earth, and then make a plant bloom forth in it, we wished that he would visit our greenhouse now and then, and save us from the trouble of sending for a gardener. A SHORT WAY WITH INCENDIARY THAT PRINCE COUZA is a sovereign, who, although he reigns in a small way, seems to know what he is about, especially in dealing with troublesome ecclesiastics. According to a telegram from Bucharest : "The Patriarch of Constantinople has dispatched a Bishop to this town to make a declaration that the law of civil marriage, the secularisation of the convent property, and the institution of a national Roumain Church lately decreed by PRINCE COUZA, are contrary to the dogmas of the Greek Church, and incur the penalty of excommunication." Whereupon: "PRINCE COUZA ordered the Bishop charged with this mission to be reconducted to the frontier by gendarmes." This was treating the Right Reverend Emis sary from the Greek Pope at once with the ceremony due to his sacred office, and the authority affronted by his incendiary mission. PRINCE COUZA put the Right Reverend firebrand gently out. The New Philosophical Controversy. Institution, is announced to make a statement PROFESSOR SAC DE FOINE, of the Westminster shortly on his new system of producing vacancy by pressure, and immediately filling up the same by sun and air. The learned Professor's expla six members of the Institution having expressed nations are looked forward to with much interest, their approbation of his plan, while five maintain it to be wholly at variance with recognised law. A Truth for Tea-Drinkers. COMMERCIAL intelligence from Shanghai lately announced: "Tea tending downwards." Do you call that news? Why, of course, whenever anybody drinks tea he experiences its downward tendency. CHARLIE OBJECTS TO THE MAJOR AS HIS NEW PAPA, AND CONVINCES HIM OF THE FACT. ASSOCIATION. A GOOD WORD FOR A GOOD WORK. In common with other of the first people in the land, Mr. Punch the other day was invited to a Meeting of a Society which ought to be familiar in men's mouths, and which is called THE LADIES' SANITARY forgot what the aim of this Society actually was; and he thought perMr. Punch, of course, knows everything: but for the moment he haps it might be to improve the health of ladies by giving them employment to prevent their brains from addling, or by teaching them to shun tight lacing and thin shoes, hot ball-rooms and late hours, and the hundred other follies that impair their vital energy. A moment afterwards, however, Mr. Punch recalled to mind that the aim of the Society was, by ladies' work and influence, to promote the health and comfort laws of health, and helping them to make their homes more happy than and well-being of the poor, by making them acquainted with the common they could be if these laws were not observed. This excellent intention the Society effects, among other ways, by these: "By collecting money for Sanitary improvements, such as opening windows, curing smoky chimneys, removing nuisances; giving soap; and lime for whitewashing: lending books, patterns of clothes, scrubbing-brushes, saucepans, and cooking recipes. By requesting the Medical Officers of Health, and other professional and welleducated gentlemen, to deliver popular free lectures. "By instituting Mothers' meetings, and classes of adult girls, and giving them Sanitary and domestic instruction. "By forming, or aiding, Penny Clothing Clubs, Coal Clubs, Baths and Washhouses, Temperance Associations, Cooking Depôts, and Working-Men's Clubs. "By establishing Nurseries for motherless babes, which may serve as Schools, for Mothers of all classes, Schoolmistresses and Nurses." Plain, practical and sensible are all these helps to health, and the happiness that goes with it. In addition, useful knowledge is pleasantly imparted by short pamphlets with expressive titles, as, for instance:The Worth of Fresh Air, The Power of Soap and Water, The Health of Mothers, and How to Manage a Baby; all which are surely far more profitable reading than The Maniac Marquis, Agnes and her Agonies, Benjamin the Bloodstained, or the Bloated Burglar! and the like instructive stories supplied by the cheap press. Besides this, the Society looks after little children whose cheeks are paled through living dungeoned in damp cellars, scant of air and light. Of these, thousands upon thousands it takes yearly to the Parks, to stretch their little legs and lungs, and kindly feeds, if they be hungry, favoured few of them to see-O joy! O rapture!-the lions and the before it sends them home. Sometimes, even, it is able to take a leopards, the eagles and the elephants, and-greater rapture still!the monkeys at their tricks. How such days of bliss are sighed for, whose pleasures are so few! revelled in, and recollected! And what pleasure must one feel in knowing one has helped to give such pleasure to these little ones, Such pleasure may be yours, my boy, or any other man's, indeed, by simply sending, say, a guinea yearly to these Ladies, who on the day of found at number 14 A within the Street of Prince, hard by the Square of their late meeting had but twelve pounds in hand. Their office may be Cavendish, within the district West; and, the more money they get from Woman is never half so lovely, as when she is employed in doing a you, the more good they will do. Mr. Punch need not remark how enormous an admirer he is of Lovely Woman; and to his eyes, Lovely good work. To help the poor to health and the happiness attending it, the most cynical must surely grant is doing a good work; and Mr. Punch is therefore proud to pat these ladies on the back, and is glad to say a good word for the good work that they do. Lesson for Confederate Clergymen. Br order of GENERAL HATCH, the Officer in command of the of St. John's Chapel, has been sent beyond the lines of the army, forNorthern forces at Charleston, the REV. DR. MARSHALL, Missionary United States' troops, and subjected to confiscation of his personal bidden to enter the City of Charleston during its occupation by the property to the use of the United States' Government, for refusing to teach Southern Clergymen to perform the Christian duty of praying for pray for PRESIDENT ANDREW JOHNSON. Aha! This is the way to their enemies. SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. AT the end of the run of Comus, MR. WALTER LACY, who was in at the finish, was presented by the Master with MR. BEVERLEY'S Brush. The Prophecy of the Derby. BEING A NEW CHAPTER OF AL KORÂN, ENTITLED THE WINNER. REVEALED AT EPSOM. BECAUSE that the Great Horse, on whose back sundry and divers had loved to set their gold and their silver, is a horse of the people which is called French, and because, that the people which is called French have in these after times, and through the lips of their Sultan, AL NAP, taken and adopted AL KORAN as their law, saying unto the nations, Behold my guns, therefore it is fated that ye do homage to France. It has been revealed unto me, even the PROPHET PUNCH, that in compliment and honour to those Frenchmen, and in gracious recognition of their ways, and because they study to imitate the islanders, and read Le Sport, and to the end of drawing closer the bonds of love and amity between us, I should add another chapter to the revelations of my brother the PROPHET MOHAMMED, even as he added unto them an extra chapter in favour of a young lady called Mary, not previously acceptable unto his wife Ayesha, nor subsequently. Therefore, hearken, you whom in the other time I called blokes and bloaters, but now I name believers, because you should believe in your Punch. This is the last chapter or Sura, of Al Korân, which is so called from the Arabian word Karaa, to read. How long will ye be the dupes of knaves and tricksters calling themselves prophets that they may cozen you of your gold and silver, yea and of your nether garments, which ye leave at the house of your mother's brother, saying unto him, Give me money that I may pay for a tip. Behold, have I not in nine years heretofore revealed unto you the names of the winners of the great race, even the Derby, taking but threepence for the same? Then be wise and not fools, for a fool is a miry pond wherein a man may neither drink nor wash. Where will ye, be, O idiots, when ye return to the hareem, and the Lights thereof ask of ye saying, What have you won, and your faces are darkened like blacking-pots, and ye have nought to give unto the hareem save chaff, which nevertheless shall avail ye not in the day when Fatima desireth the white fishes of Greenwich, or Miriam thirsteth for the iced wine of the Star. Were it not well to have a purse in those days? Hearken, then, unto Punch-Mohammed, for there is none like him. Now the horses and the asses, yea, an exceeding great host, shall gather together for the strife, and there shall be eating and drinking and smiling and swearing, and there shall be wagering of wagers, and shying of sticks, and the incense of Havannah and of Bristol shall go up like a cloud, sickening the birds of the air, even the pigeons thereof. And there shall come unto the place of battle horses of vast price and costliness, and their names shall be in the mouths of the fools and of the wise. There shall be the horse whose name is the name of him who burned the ships with a burning-glass, and he whose name is that of a cruel tyrant, and he who is called after a book wherewith a mighty scribe did delight your winter festival, and he who is called after the hopping beast of the far-off lands. Likewise think ye of the flyer on the back of the bat, and of the deadly weapon that slayeth afar off, and of him who in the Latin tongue is called bold, and of the chief god of the heathen which dwelleth in the East, and of the city which has fallen, yea, into the hands of the men which say unto you, Liquor. And there shall also be named unto ye the quay which is by the river Clyde, even the Scotch river of ships, and the ignis fatuus which danceth over the swamp, and the brown child of him which is wild, and the wild child of the same, and the sweet wind that played with Aurora, and the name of him who also is called a roarer, and who is not, and hath been called from out of the language of the swift Indian of the West. And ye shall hear of the magistrate of the Land of Flowers, and of him who is the child of Tobias, the scribe, and of him who was the child of Planché, the scribe, yea the pleasant scribe in the days when there was wit amid the mirth of men. Shall they not speak unto you of the day when the foolish among you held it evil luck to wed, or to do the thing which is new, and of him which poured fire upon your horsemen and upon your footmen until ye rose and smote down his stronghold, and of him whose name is as it were a church wherein men might sleep are there not many such in these days of dulness? And ye shall be told of the jester that cometh from the Jordan, and of the river where hath bathed the brave man whose name is as a living stone among you, and of the half-brother of that river, and of him which hath been long down but may now rise up to the discomfiture of many. Moreover, speech shall be made unto you of the son of the musician who was skinned alive by the critical god of the day, and of a lord among the people-a lord whose sire died gloriously for us all after the battle in the stream. And ye shall hear even more, for ye shall listen to the name of him whose dam was the first among those who strove for the great race, and who now runneth in the happy hunting-grounds, and of him whose name belongeth unto the sports of the Pagan arena, when a man was slaughtered for sport, and the voice of the people said Habet, and their turned-up thumbs dismissed his soul to the empty and wandering air. And they shall say unto you Farewell, and they shall say unto you Nothing more. Then shall ye speak unto me, even Mohammed Punch, saying who of all these shall win? And in that day I shall make answer, saying that the victory goeth unto the swift and strong if he be well guided, and there be no treason found in his rider. Then ye will say, Behold, we know that, but tell us now. And I will answer again, saying. What should I get by that? And then ye will reply, Art not thou our guide and friend? In that day, O believers, the tears shall spring to mine eyes, even as the water welleth up through the sand from the fountains which are called the diamonds of the desert, and through the dust of Epsom in mine eyes the water shall come forth, and I will say unto you, Verily, his eye shineth before you like a star, and his skin gleameth like the gleaming of a mirror, and the number of his legs is as the number of the bed-posts of a bed, and in the twinkling of a bed-post will I reveal him unto you, for his tall hangeth down behind, and behold, in the Turkish language I reply unto you, BAKALLUM THE DERBY HORSESHOE MAGNET. "THERE is a pow'r whose sway" as you've In words well set by BALFE read, Which "Power of Love," I think 'twas named, "What power is this?" say you to me: It draws the clown or high-born dame The careful Trainer's horseshoe too See in another corner one, A smile upon his face is, The Derby Magnet will attract All kinds of food in hampers, Fill up! and ply the knife and fork! They will some Epsom Salts drink. That day let Trade make fast its door, Improvement in Fire-arms. Ir is said that all rifles for military use will very soon be loaded with explosive shells instead of common bullets. The Inns of Court Volun teers will then no longer alone deserve the title that will be applicable to every regiment in the world, "The Devil's Own." HEARTLESS ATTEMPT AT BIGAMY. A GENTLEMAN who was Courting Inquiry, was found to be Wedded to his own Views. |