Imágenes de páginas
PDF
EPUB

OUR YACHT.

Log. "Out at sea. Between Puffin and Liverpool. Both places invisible. Wind, none. Long. and lat. uncertain. Been uncertain for two days. Wish we could get on."

In fact, it was a dead calm. For one whole day not a wave, not a ripple, to be seen anywhere. The sails wouldn't act, the rudder couldn't act, we couldn't act. We had nothing to read, and had, as the notices of weddings run, "no cards." When I say we had nothing to read, I do not mean that there was a scarcity of books; no, on the contrary, the Commodore had three shilling volumes-The Gambler's something, The Forger's something else, and Revelations of a somebody. These we had read, and hard work it was. The Lieutenant possessed an Almanack, an Index to an Atlas (Atlas wanting), and part of a Catalogue of the South Kensington Museum. I had two old letters unanswered, a collection of small bills unpaid, a metallic pocket-boot without a pencil, and a book of Black-Eyed Susan, with the cover off, and defective in pages towards the climax. This last, and the Almanack, afforded us some amusement in the earlier part of the day, from, I should say, 7 A.M. till 10; after that hour commenced an uncertainty about time in general. The Lieutenant hadn't got a watch, the Commodore had lost his key, and I had forgotten to wind mine up. The Commodore said he never saw such a fellow as I was for forgetting a thing. Having nothing to do, we breakfasted for the third time, and the Lieutenant gave out double rations to the Crew. We then lay on our backs at the stern, and smoked. We began by saying that this was very jolly. In the course of an hour, I said I didn't think it was so very jolly, which provoked the Commodore into remarking that I knew nothing about yachting, and that if I was getting tired of it, I'd better give the whole thing up.

THE ALLOCUTION ON FREEMASONRY.
O VENERABLE Brothers of our sacrosanct Consistory,
There is a confraternity wrapt up in darkest mystery,
Themselves the men of Masonry and Freedom they denominate :
All freedom, save our own, we do most utterly abominate.
This good-for-nothing, execrable, pestilent Society,
United in the fellowship of error, and impiety,
Extends itself, O shame! the whole world habitable wide over,
Beside that universal realm which we as King preside over.

Of all law, human and divine, the enemies these wretches are.
Tartarean brood, among the corn they, burn them, vilest vetches are.
They glory in the practice of all manner of atrocity,
And specially addicted are to guzzling and gulosity.

There is in that proud Capital with River Thames irriguous,
A temple nearly to the Fields of Lincoln's Inn contiguous.
There are they wont to celebrate their orgies with audacity
Unheard of, gormandising with incredible voracity.

What shall I say of gridirons when they neophytes initiate?
And what of red-hot pokers in commencing à noviciate?
And what of those most horrid oaths, with ceremonies sinister,
Which they are to each candidate reported to administer?

But what we most detest in them excites our ire professional;
It is that Secret which they keep in spite of the Confessional.
O reticence most obstinate of stubborn indocility,
That dares hold anything concealed from Our Infallibility!

It is an error to believe in what they call their charity,
As though they with the Faithful were at all upon a parity,
Condemned be the suggestion of such scandalous equality!
Their ends are eating, drinking, conviviality, and jollity.

The ruin of the Church and Civil Government they're aiming at.
No visionary phantom 'tis that we are now declaiming at;
The Freemasons and Fenians are only two varieties
Of secret sacrilegious and heretical societies.

Their aprons be anathema, their gems and decorations all;
Their symbols, signs, and passwords we declare abominations all;
And, if they do not penance and submit to Our authority,
Adjudge them to the regions of profound inferiority.

TWO MISTY ADVERTISEMENTS.

If ever I have a yacht of my own, I'll have a billiard table on board. That's what we wanted, a billiard table. The Commodore and Lieutenant smoked incessantly: I tried to, but never can manage more than two pipes and a half; and the half's a little uncertain. I endeavoured to get up a conversation on a sailor's resources when there's a calm. Billiards for instance. They observed, Billiards! contemptuously. I referred to Black-Eyed Susan as an authority. William, I recollected used to swear pretty considerably, call people on shore swabs, land-lubbers, his wife's relations grampusses, and a ploughman, from whom he wished to gain some information, a dying dolphin; " while on board he'd reef in yards, pipe broadsides to quarters, stride like a lion with surf in his face, whispering "Susan," to frighten the bullets in an action, bring other people on their beam-ends, heave a head, charge an elderly gentleman of bad character with "cutting the painter of a pretty pinnace, and sending it (the pinnace) drifting without a compass," and so forth; but what he did when there was a calm doesn't appear; unless at the end, which was torn out in my book, and then, if I recollect right, the only time there was a calm, the Admiral took advantage of it to try William by court-martial, and have him hanged before it got rough again. I suggested to the Commodore that sailors generally had a fiddle on board, and used to dance. The Commodore The first is described as :said grumpily, that there wasn't a fiddle, and if there was he wouldn't ON SALE, a 60-inch SCRIBBLER, quite new. dance. The Lieutenant called upon me (he was lying stretched out like a star-fish) for a song. Being unable to oblige, I offered to read William. Offer declined without thanks. I said I was sure I'd heard something about dancing round the caboose, or spinning yarns over the galley fire. I knew I'd seen a picture somewhere of "Saturday night at The answer to this, on the part of the Commodore, was, that it wasn't Saturday night. As to sitting round the galley fire in the caboose, which was where the Treasure cooked, it was evident that, as there was only room for the Treasure's head and shoulders, three people attempting to dance there, or spin yarns, would find themselves inconveniently crowded. The subject dropped. The Captain here appeared and requested rations. Considering that it was calm, and that the Captain was an Old Salt, he seemed to keep his legs very badly. On his request not being immediately acceded to, he repeated the word several times with variations, as if he had not, in the first instance, succeeded in making himself sufficiently intelligible.

sea.

The course he chose to adopt (these sailors are the queerest people!) didn't improve matters, as he slipped from "Rations" down to "Rachel," and from that to "Rayshe," when he caught hold of a rope, and then began to laugh as if he'd done something clever. As he had evidently come up to amuse us, I laughed too, just to humour him, whereat he became suddenly grave, and frowned upon me rather rebukingly.

It struck me at the same time that it evidently did the Commodore, that this was the effect of a calm upon the Captain. The Lieutenant thought that rations had something to do with it.. I should perhaps have been inclined to his opinion, but for the Captain himself saying it was the calm.

AN IRISH SUGGESTION.-The Fenians style their society of addleheaded Conspirators the Fenian Brotherhood. Its more appropriate title would be the Fenian Botherhood.

WE copy the following desirable investments from the Leeds Mercury.
For particulars apply

to, &c. &c.

What a rush there will be on the part of the worn-out periodicals, to secure this, "SCRIBBLER," who is further recommended as being 'quite new!" We hardly understand the distinction of "a 60-inch scribbler.". Are the inches to be measured in length, or breadth, or depth? If it is the latter, we are afraid that the "60-inch scribbler" would be a bit of a bore. We like a writer to go to the heart of his subject, but one who displayed his powers of penetration to the extent of five feet, might carry his readers further than they would care about, as it would require the most breathless attention on their part to be able to follow him. The second investment is one, considering its vast extent, that is not often seen in the market :

То

[ocr errors]

be SOLD, Eleven Acres of good FOG, &c. &c.

We did not know that "Fog" was an article of commerce, excepting occasionally in articles of literary composition. In the latter case, the "6-inch Scribbler," above advertised, might beneficially employ his penetrating capacity in clearing a way right through those Eleven Acres." We are glad to notice that the fog in question is particularised as good Fog," though what a good fog is, we doubt if any one, unless he had lived in London all his life, would be able to tell. For what we know, the advertisement may be a roundabout way of announcing the sale of a series of old parliamentary debates, for any one who has attempted to travel through these foggy districts, could well testify what tremendous "acres they are! Curious town that Leeds, where Scribblers and Fogs are kept on sale! It may be that the former may be partially the cause of creating the latter.

رو

THE TYPE OF THE IRISH REBELLION.-Pike-a.

[graphic][merged small][merged small][merged small]

"A TEACHER" writes to the Sheffield Telegraph to contradict the popular notion that the youth of that town are such semi-savages as they are represented to be in the Commissioners' late report. According to his version, they are bright, knowing, intelligent lads, and up to all kinds of fun. With regard to the ignorant answers attributed to them, he says:

"The fact is, the Commissioners have been utterly sold by the small boys of Sheffield."

With their uproarious sense of humour, these small boys could not help, with the quantity of dust flying about them, just throwing a little into the eyes of the stately prigs" (so denominated by this most benevolent "Teacher") who came to examine them. These young blades, who evidently do not belong to the section of "Charitable Grinders," are so delightfully cool, that it is no wonder they oppose the introduction of the "Fan" that is charitably proposed to ventilate their rooms. Though they do object to being blown upon themselves, they do not in the least mind blowing upon others. Their average of life may be extremely short, but what does that matter, so long as it is a merry one? At the late Cutlers' Feast, EARL FITZWILLIAM stated that, in consequence of the dense smoke round Sheffield, all the big trees were fast disappearing from its neighbourhood.. We should rather be inclined to idoubt that fact in the presence of the above gigantic hoax. If there is any display of pictures in the town, these poor Commissioners might be exhibited, and appropriately labelled in the corner, "SOLD." Having found out to their cost how excessively sharp these young filers are, they will be very cautious for the future how they handle them. With sparks of humour irradiating thus profusely from their wheels, instead of growing prematurely old, they should with every turn they give the wheel be ground young again. In the meantime, who ever would have suspected that that the Abode of Fun was to be found in a grim, smoky, dusty, sniffy, blinding, deafening, steel-fork grinding shop at Sheffield?

[ocr errors][merged small]

MR. HOMEGREEN ON THE DROUGHT.

SITCH weather as we've had this two months past

I never know'd in all my life afoor.

I wonders how much longer ut ool last,

And when we be to haa some rain once moor.

As Scotchy sez in that are murderun play,

I gins to be aweary o' the zun,

As keeps a sbinun on vrom day to day,

And wishes this here tajus drought was done.

The trees be powdered over all wi' dust,
As bad amost as livery-footmen's heads.
O' moonlight nights you'd fancy, like, at fust,
The white was frost upon the barns and sheds.
As for the turmuts, they be done for, some,

As 'tis; I s'pose there wun't be nare a crop.
The mangold, too, bids foul to turn out rum,
"Tis sitch a while since they've had are a drop.
The darth o' roots must tell upon the stock;
And then the hay was no great shakes this year."
'Twool be a tryun time for drove and flock,
And mate, no doubt, 'ool goo on gettun dear.

Well, there, if prices rises, to be sure,
'Tis broad as ut is long, or thereabout,
So fur, the cattle-plag is uts own cure;
And that's our consolation for the drought.
Then there's the pigs a payun well in parts,
The young uns, hereabouts, they fetches, now,
At laste a pound each-bless their little hearts!
Happy the man as owns a good old sow.
But, howsomedever, if the sky 'ood change,
No doubt but what 'twould be the best for all;
This brightness out o' sazon do sim strange:
The clouds 'ool be relief when comes rainfall.
There han't a bin, this last September, what
I thinks you calls the Aquanoctial gales;
Instead o' which we've had it dry and hot

Just then when mostly storms and showers prevails.
Well, soon or late, and very soon, may be,
Afoor what I'm a writun can be read,'

The heavens all blue, from clouds that's now so free, May turn all black as this here ink instead.

And when the wet do come, 'tis ten to one

That cats and dogs will tumble down in showers; Because a truer sayun there is none

Than that it never rains but what it powers.

THE HEALTH OF THE METROPOLIS. OUR Own Private Officer (no less an officer because Private) deputed by our own Board of Health (need we say our carefully-provided dinner-table ?), has furnished us with the following Report:

"People residing in the neighbourhood of the Monument should in this hot weather be cautious. The Monument is very high. Let the authorities look to it. (We saw a policeman looking at it, but that's not the same thing.)

"The residents in the Temple complain that the City is very close. Now, if it is close to them, what must it be to the inhabitants of Cheapside and Cornhill? More air.

66

Near Commercial Road East, in a populous locality, the inattention of the authorities is most reprehensible. There is a dead wall in this neighbourhood, in the open street, close by the pavement, and no steps have been taken for its removal. (We saw some one taking steps in this direction, but it was the Lamplighter.)"

"Similia Similibus!"

WE read that "a new process of Photographing on Wood" has been patented. It is found to be specially adapted for all blockheads, and the members of different Boards. Persons who are plain, however, object to this new style of portraiture, for fear that they might, should the wood be in the least ill-grained, come out a deal plainer.

[blocks in formation]

Wore our rings upon our pencils
While we cut our fingers sharp?

How we cleaned our boots with sherry
While we drank the blacking dry?
How we quite forgot to pay for
Articles we used to buy?

How, a ruffian prosecuting

Who'd been swindled, so he said.
We appeared at the Old Bailey,

And were done ourselves instead?

PITY THE POOR PARTRIDGE SHOOTERS! MY DEAR SMITH,

WHEN Hamlet wished his " too, too solid flesh would melt," he should have tried a few days' shooting in such sunshine as we lucky dogs have recently been roasted in. The oldest sportsmen never knew such a sweltering September. The thermometer has been standing at 90° in the shade of the biggest mangelwurzel. And such whoppers there are this year! at least in Mangelwuzzelshire. I constantly was buried to my armpits in their leaves, and, my stature being short, I was really half afraid of a complete interment. Once, forgetting where I was, I screamed for the police to come to my assistance; and I wildly fired my gun as a signal of distress. But all I got by the explosion was another one-of wrath-on the part of my companions; who told me I had spoiled a lovely point the dog was making, and had caused a splendid covey to rise clean out of shot. I solemnly assured them that, standing where I did, I could not see the pointer, and so it was no wonder that I did not see the point. But they did not seem to see the point of my remark, and the keeper muttered something about "might as well go home," which, as there was beer there, I thought we really might.

was so intense that the shot was melted instantly on leaving the muzzle of the gun, and being fused thus, fell to earth directly in a semi-liquid state, or if it reached the birds, it singed their feathers merely, and was far too soft to penetrate.

So, my dear fellow, you see, the sad truth must be owned, that birds of my own shooting I had really none to send you; and indeed if I had bagged any, the weather was so hot, I should have scarcely dared to send them. My friends, whose shot I fancy was harder than my own, and not so liable to melt, contrived after vast labour to get a few brace and so I waited in the hope of seeing some that I could shoot. For every day; but I thought you would best relish the birds I shot myself, fear of its not keeping, we ate up every day for dinner nearly all the game we bagged, and then consumed at breakfast the small remnant that was left. So you see it really was not possible to send off any birds; for with the cattle disease about us, we dared not eat much beef or mutton, and if we had sent our game away, we might have very nearly starved ourselves.

I trust this candid explanation will fully satisfy your mind that I have not forgotten you, or the promise that I made, which I hope, weather permitting, to keep next season without fail.

Meanwhile, pray believe me, yours most sincerely, glad to have returned to London, dull and dismal as it is, when every one is out of it,

[graphic]

CHARLES AUGUSTUS CRACKSHOT.

SCENES IN THE WEDDING RING.

HERE are some entertainments that we little suspected were taking place daily in the wedding ring :

YOU!

-

OUR FUTURE HUSBAND, OR WIFE'S, TRUE CARTE DE VISITE.-MONSIEUR BLAGUE, the celebrated French Astrologer, will send the true Carte de Visite of your Intended, with Name, Age, and Date of Marriage for Sixteen Stamps. State age and sex. Send stamped directed envelope.-Address "M." &c., &c., &c.

How the Clown to the above Ring must laugh in his sleeve at the fools who patronise his entertainment! We wonder whose photograph he conjures up for their delusion? It may be MULLER, or DR. PRITCHARD, or some female impostor, or malefactor, whose portraits he has picked up as a cheap lot. The simpleton, who sent his sixteen stamps, would never be any the wiser. The cry was, a short time ago, that no one could marry under £300 a year. The completest contradiction to that high-priced estimate is the above advertisement, wherein it appears that any one can procure a husband, or a wife, for the low announcement is, that nothing is hinted about the chances of rejection. figure of one-and-fourpence! What amuses us in MONSIEUR BLAGUE'S Once armed with the carte de visite of your intended, the most timid Irishman, the most nervous widow, can propose with every certainty of success. It would be a long-lived disappointment, however, to the DULCINEA who, believing thoroughly in the matrimonial validity of the poor photographed MULLER, wandered patiently through the world, in the hopes of meeting with her future husband! In only one respect do we find fault with MONSIEUR BLAGUE. Having given the name, and the age, and the date, &c., why not have gone a little further, and have promised to furnish the fire of the eyes, the luxuriance of the whiskers, the architecture of the nose, the longitude of the purse, the texture of the hair, and many other particulars most interesting "to persons about to marry?" We are strongly tempted to enter into competition with this "celebrated French astrologer," and to beat him out of the field by outbidding him.

that we have forwarded his real name and address (at least those as As a proof that we mean mischief, we beg to inform MONSIEUR BLAGUE, may thank his'lucky stars, if he is not taken up, before the week is over, given by him in his advertisements) to the Mendicity Society. He for obtaining money under false pretences. It is a question also, whether the proprietors of provincial newspapers, who insert the mendacious advertisements of this "celebrated French astrologer," might not similarly be taken into custody for aiding and abetting him in his nefarious practices. The next Carte de Visite they should deal with ought to be the Police Van.

A ST. PATRICK IN PETTICOATS.

This was the only covey that we saw this day; and indeed, in the respect of our not seeing many birds, any one day of the week was just like any other. They seemed to have swallowed fern seed, and so made themselves invisible; or else they got into the rabbit holes to get out of the heat, or sat up in the oak trees, where no pointer could get scent of them. Partridges apparently object to being roasted, baked, or grilled, before they are shot; and whenever in hot weather they play at hide-and-seek with you, it is most difficult to find them. With the exception of the signal of distress that I have mentioned, I only fired my gun off six times in six days; and, although my aim is usually unerring, it happened that the temperature quite neutralised its accuracy. Wonderful as it may seem, I did not bag one bird of all the six I shot at! So extraordinary a fact deserves to be recorded, and in the cause destroying vipers. It appears that she possesses a wondrous skill in A FRENCH Woman has been earning many hundreds of francs by of science I do not hesitate to mention it. Several theories were finding out the hiding place of all poisonous reptiles, and of then attracting adduced to account for the phenomenon, and some, although ingenious, them to the surface, when she can do what she pleases with them. were barely complimentary. For instance, one young friend suggested Why does not the English Government engage her services, and send that possibly I missed because "the sun was in my eyes," by which he her to Ireland? She might be profitably employed there in tracing out meant that I had taken too much beer at luncheon. Another playfully the various dark haunts of the Fenians, and, hunting them from spot to alleged that the partridges escaped, because I shut my eyes while spot, succeed in either destroying them, or else driving them effectually shooting, which was the fact on one occasion I candidly admit, for out of the country-thereby saving an infinity of trouble to the conexactly at the moment when I raised my gun to shoot, a little fly flew stabulary, the magistracy, the judges and juries, and all legal functionup my nose and made me want to sneeze, and somehow I am always aries, including, it may be, the assistance of a gentleman, who generally forced to shut my eyes while sneezing. My own idea is, that the heat "hangs out" at the Old Bailey.

[ocr errors]
[graphic]
[ocr errors]

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13. Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of
Whitefriars, City of London, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85. Plast Sevens in the Dani
London October 14, 1865.

CARBINE PRACTICE.

SANDY MCGUTTLE AND A FRIEND OF HIS MARKING IN BUTT. OFFICER IN CHARGE OF SQUAD AT THE SHOOTING-RANGE WONDERS WHY THE DEUCE THEY DON'T SIGNAL THAT LAST SHOT. HE HAS ALSO GRAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE NUMBER OF BULLS'-EYES ALREADY RECORDED.

[blocks in formation]

"What is the explanation of this contradiction? Young ladies who can galop and waltz through a long ball are unable to take a country walk of two miles."

On "The Grinderpest; or, Street organist."

On "The Restlessness of Government Clerks at 3:30 P.M." "What will MISS GARRETT be called in common speech? A Medical 'woman'?"

On "The Injurious Effects of Cold Meat three days running." "To Smoke or not to Smoke; with thoughts on the pipe, the cigar, and the judicious Hookah."

[blocks in formation]

THE RETURN.

FROM MY BERTH.

[graphic]

THE big Channel steamer is rolling exceedingly,
Frenchmen around me are bilious and fat,
And prone on the floor are behaving unheedingly,
It's a "sick transit," but never mind that!

There's pleasure in feeling so coldly and clammily,
Joy in the needles and pins in my leg;
Pleasure in watching that foreigner's family
Eating stick chocolate mixed with hard egg.

There's joy in the berthing that's managed so scurvily,
Pleasure in each individual lurch;

Joy in the pitching about topsy-turvily,

Fun in the custom-house officers' search!

For I'm tired of long table-d'hôte-ing formalities,
Sick of my costly devotion to "red;"
I'm weary of fathoming gambling fatalities,
Long for a night in a big British bed!

For whenever I visit the bad Baden rookery,
Dreams that I dream have a single key-note;
That I'm fastened, in fetters of cast-iron cookery,
Down to a complex roulette-table-d'hôte!

I grieve for my tub and its naked simplicity,
(Grief that they ask me to drown in a "bowl"!)
And this is ascribed to inborn eccentricity-

"Tiens donc ces Anglais ! mais comme ils sont drôles!"

Tired am I of the sea-bathing merman-y,

Tired am I of the sabot and blouse,

Tired am I of the natives of Germany,

Tired am I of the noisy Mossoos!

After for weeks of my presence bereaving you,
London, to rush to your bosom I yearn.

You remember the jokes that I uttered on leaving you?
Twice as delighted, my boy, to return.

An Omission.

IN the usual October introductory addresses to Medical Students no mention was made of the circumstance that when doctors, like all other men, undergo midnight harangues from their wives, they are not called Curtain, but Clinical, Lectures.

3. Would you have the beer on tap, or fetched from round the corner as required?

4.

Would you have the washing done at home, or put out? If put out, which is the cheapest arrangement, by the dozen or the quarter ?"

On "The Degeneracy of Domestic Servants as regards early rising, with a glance at the best means of awakening them to a sense of duty-and to light the kitchen fire."

On "The Decline of some old Usages:

1. Looking under the bed at night.

2. Taking wine at dinner.

3. Going down on your knees to make an offer.

4. Wearing night-caps.

5. Wearing Mackintoshes.

6. Taking snuff.

7. Having your bed warmed."

On "The Predominance of Steak in Pigeon Pie, with reflections on the curious idiosyncrasy that prompts so many idiots to say they prefer the steak to the pigeon."

On "The Tailor's Best Friend-the Anti-Macassar."

[ocr errors]

On Some Popular Fallacies:

1. That second-class railway travelling is as comfortable as first.

2. That electro-plate looks as good as silver.

3. That cheap gloves answer. (What do they say?)

4. What a turned' dress looks as good as new.

5. That you can hardly tell the difference between an alpaca and a silk umbrella."

Criticism as Understood by all but Critics. TRUE criticism, when it praises, is only a correct appreciation of the meaning of the author; but the moment it begins to find fault, it degenerates from its high functions, and sinks into vulgar abuse.

« AnteriorContinuar »