MARLBOROUGH HOUSE ON A WET DAY.-(H.R.H. OUT OF LONDON.) "He had always held decided views on the subject of religion-those views being ain't fish. what is called evangelical, as well as soundly Protestant." Blogg. Brayvo! 11 Codg. Wait a bit. (Drinks.) Now just you listen, (reads on):"Acting in accordance with his convictions on religious subjects, the LORD MAYOR who quits office to-day scrupulously excluded all Tractarians from receiving the courtesies or partaking of the hospitalities of the Mansion House." Bodg. Serve 'em right. Codg. Now you hear what follers (goes on reading) : "This is a feature in his Mayoralty which cannot be too warmly commended." (Hear, hear!) Mugg. I calls that there a werry just hobserwation. "If all those holding distinguished offices were to discountenance in such a prac tical way those Roman Catholics who, under the name of Puseyites, (hisses, and cries of Yah!) swarm within the confines of our Protestant Church, the result would be not only gratifying in itself (hear!) but most advantageous for the interests of truth, honesty, and real religion." Omnes (rapping the table, and making the pewter-pots ring and glasses jingle). Hear, hear, hear! Codg. What d'ye think of that P Bodg. No more ain't a porpus. Blogg. Turtle's as much fish as you are. Blogg. Five bob and a pot of Cooper. Bodg. Write to Bell's Life. Blogg. Question:-"Is Turtle, fish ?" Mugg. And-"Do the Puseyites consider it fair to fast off turtle ?" Bodg. As well as red 'errin'. Codg. I don't think Bell's Life answers questions about bets comin' under the 'ed of "clerical." Master George (on the arrival of the new cabinet). "OH, PA! DO LET ME HAVE IT FOR A RABBIT-HUTCH!" times heard asking, to rebuke the too lofty aspirations of one another. "Yes, I do," might be no unfit answer for an old woman. It is as natural for MOTHER GOOSE to declare for the side of the angel as it was for MR. DISRAELI. The wish to be beautiful for ever would be perfectly reasonable for any woman, young or old, if she wished to be a beauty without paint. But what a fool a girl must be to spoil the beauty of her hair by staining it of " the fashionable tint!" According EXPOSITION OF MODERN PAINTINGS. WHENEVER fraudulent and pernicious puffs are transferred from the columns of any of our contemporaries, or from hoardings, dead walls, holes and corners, to these pages, the names and addresses of their authors are always either omitted or altered, because Mr. Punch knows better than to give humbugs the benefit of any publicity which he might possibly afford them in exposing humbug. With the exception of the to a popular nursery rhyme :— misstatements requisite for the observance of this rule, the subjoined copies of advertisements which appeared the other day in a fashionable newspaper are correct. In the first of these notifications silly and depraved women are offered the abominations undermentioned, commonly called cosmetics, to wit: "MADAME ESTHER'S CIRCASSIAN BEAUTY WASH, Alabaster Powder, and Circassian Golden Hair Wash. These costly delicacies of the toilet impart a youthful, blooming, and brilliant appearance to persons however far advanced in years, and can only be obtained at her residence, 74 B, Old Hag Street." In the next puff simpletons of the softer sex have their morbid and ridiculous vanity directed to the object of "GOLDEN TRESSES, and How to Get Them. By the use of AQUA MIRA Red Hair is changed to a charming Gold Colour. Dark Hair, under the same influence, quickly assumes the fashionable tint. Price 218. the bottle. Sold only by 8. SUMMER, 502, Gorgon Street, London. The "Alabaster Powder" and the "Circassian Golden Hair Wash," advertised by MADAME ESTHER, appear to be some part of the means whereby she professes to convert a beldam into a belle by rendering her "Beautiful for Ever!" But the wondrous alabaster powder is a simple white. It can only serve to plaster the poor face of an old Fright. So it forms a stucco barely, whereon Art has work to found; roses in a fresco fairly blooming on a lily ground. The costly delicacies of the toilet" require the addition of others equally costly to impart to the coriaceous and wrinkled chaps of a decrepit old crone a youthful, blooming, and brilliant appearance, in that plenitude necessary to constitute the perfection of everlasting beauty. 66 The mere desire of becoming beautiful for ever is nevertheless sensible enough. "Do you want to be a hangel?" the lower orders are some "Said AARON to Moses, Let's cut off our noses. "Tis the fashion to wear 'em." One might almost think that the only reason that women who daub in crinoline, have for wearing their noses, is that assigned, as above, their faces with enamel, and dye their hair yellow, and cage themselves by the namesake of the Jewish lawgiver. There is good reason to suppose that if it became the fashion not to wear noses, they would cut their noses off. It is, indeed, likely enough that there will soon be a fashionable style of nose, and that advertisements addressed to the wives and daughters of England will propose, to transform aquilines to snubs. made beautiful for ever be got to unite in exhibiting themselves as a In the meantime could the old ladies and others who have been show of these most unchristian "fools with varnished faces" comprise collection of Modern Paintings? It would be good fun. But let the adults only. According to the Athenæum some creatures of the female sex actually paint their children. Ineffable females! Now, Ladies! LORD LYTTLETON, Ladies, a most intelligent and accomplished nobleman, young, though not exactly a boy (born 1817), said, at Bilston the other night, "I know very well what my Club in London is doing. I could not enjoy my life in the Metropolis without it. I should be very miserable indeed." No more nonsense against Clubs, Ladies, now that you know what our betters say. Enter BIANCA D'ALBIZZI with a fine boy for his age. Leone. There is no time to be lost. Allow me to introduce you to my wife. BIANCA, my brother MARCO: MARCO-BIANCA. Bianca. Away! away! The Abbess is my friend, and she will Crowd without (confusedly) Follow, Follow-ollow-ollow-ollow! [Exeunt, by fits and starts, MARCO, BIANCA, and Child. Great noise without. Re-enter from Chapel of Ease, where he has been apparently fighting, COSMO. Leone. I will disguise myself like you (to Cosmo) and cut my way through your pursuers. [Takes off his coat and appears in his shirt, but not a bit like COSMO. Cosmo. And if you fall, your wife and child shall be my care. [Exit LEONE, distractedly. Serious Villain (who has overheard their conversation). Well done, JUDAEL DI MEDISI (remembers his difficulty and falters), DAY MEDEE SHAY (becomes reckless again.) You get rid of ANTONIO DE-(wishes the author hadn't given him this confounded name) MEDDICHY, and assist COSMO DI (gives it up), COSMO (is satisfied by the substitution), Cosmo, to escape. Judael (with great readiness, aside). He must be poisoned. (Poisons a draught: they drink together.) Call on me to-morrow at twelve. [Exit JUDAEL, leering at his victim. Serious Villain. So JUDAEL DI (wishes that his name had been in somebody else's part, and omits it.) So, JUDAEL, you are in my power. Enter LEONE, very much fatigued. Serious Villain (to him). I'll tell you a secret. Have a glass of wine. Leone. No; I must go. [Takes his cloak; ascends staircase. Serious Villain. 'Tis about the-feels that he MUST say it this time, or the whole plot will be stopped)-about the-(nerves himself for an effort)-about the MEDDYSEE. Leone (luckily understanding his meaning, and returning to correct him.) The MEDICI! [Accepts invitation, and drinks. Serious Villain. Yes; JUDAEL wishes to-ah! (appears unicell.) I'm poisoned. Serious Villain (in agony.) I killed MARCO SALVIATI, ANTONIO, and I'm-poi-oi-oi- (convulsions)-revenge-enge-enge-(more convulsions)that cup! up... up Deaf Gentleman (to friend.) What did he die of? eh? Br.. BI.... Enter Comic Villain and Soldiers. [Dies stiffly. BIANCA! [Falls. Leone (after embracing his child.) You must escape, and light a fire on the other side of the river! [They both tear up their clothes, like able-bodied paupers in a workhouse, and SILVIO escapes by window. nter JUDAEL, and Comic Villain, who retires to clear all the passages, send away the Guards, and get rid of all hindrances to the dénoúment. Deaf Gentleman says he knows what's coming now. Leone (astonishing JUDAEL by speaking.) I am LEONE SALVIATI! [Produces a sword. beginning to lure him cunningly.) Who killed the eldest SALVIATI? Judael. Ha! (Aside.) If I could only lure him over the trap. (Aloud, (LEONE takes a step.) Who killed the Second SALVIATI? (LEONE takes another step. JUDAEL continues luring him, and winking aside to the audience.) Who killed the third SALVIATI? (Wink and a step.) Who (Ditto.) Who killed all the SALVIATIS? (More winks and steps.) Who killed the fourth SALVIATI? (Ditto.) Who killed the fifth SALVIATI P killed ANTONIO? Who killed MARCO? Who killed SPOLLETI? Who killed SILVIO? Who killed [Tries to remember any other characters he may have murdered in various pieces. The trap opens, LEONE stops himself from falling. Leone. Villain! I've got another spring! [Touches a spring, the trap closes, and the wall opening discovers COSMO, BIANCA, SILVIO (who has swum across à river, lighted a fire, and returned by express train), and others, in an elegant sort of "Lift" at a grand hotel. Cosmo, in a dressing-gown stands in an attitude, and tries to look as much as possible like a fairy at the end of a pantomime. Exit JUDAEL for instant execution. Cosmo (to LEONE.) Take her-be happy. (To audience.) And if our In Cosito's Palace. Guests playing with Hoops by candlelight. Fifteen friends in front are pleased, then not a happier party will sit down to years have elapsed since Act I, Judael (enters). I must poison CoSMO. [Comic Villain introduces LEONE as a dumb prisoner. Enter LEONE in rags. In this character he is a cross between MR. WEBSTER after he's been in the Bastille for twenty years, and MISS MENKEN, as the Dumb Slave, in the Child of the Sun. Judael. You will go to the room at the end of the passage, and find a casket in bed. You know what to do with him. [LEONE moves his hands, shrugs his shoulders, elevates his eyes, and depresses the corners of his mouth. Judael (who has probably seen the "Child of the Sun," and understands this sort of thing.) Then, you will do it. [LEONE expresses something else, and works himself out of the room pantomimically. Report of gun heard. Enter BIANCA. (aside). He here! (Aloud.) You here! Both aside.) She here! (Aloud.) You here! Judael. Bring in the prisoner! Enter Guards, with SILVIO, a very fine young man, BIANCA'S page. Enter COSMO. Cosmo. Who stole the casket? Page (suddenly). I did. [Exit Guards, with the very fine young man. Bianca (to Cosmo.) I have a secret to tell you. [Exit BIANCA. Judael. BIANCA's false! This portrait! [Gives a portrait. Cosmo. Ha! [Exit, and goes to bed. Judael (to Comic Villain). When you hear me say, "Archers of the Guard, Watch," kill somebody. [Exit hurriedly, as if to catch a train. Comic Villain. I'm a philosopher; but let that pass. [Point fails for the third time. Exit Comic Villain. Leone (who has overheard it all, enters, throws open a window and exclaims). Arrchairs of the Guarrd, Wash! [Two Soldiers enter; he shows them how dumb he can be when he likes, and exit, making faces. supper to-night, than-(looks about for help, not getting it, finishes suddenly)-The Watch Cry. [All stand in attitudes about the golden Lift, as Prompter, impressed by a general notion of Christmas time, lights red fire by mistake, and Curtain descends. Rapturous applause ;_everybody called before the Curtain. Unequivocal Success. Tremendous Hit. PROSPECTS OF PEACE. From the "May Fair Chronicle." As a fugitive leaf may serve to show in which direction volant zephyrs blow, so there are not wanting signs, slight indeed but sure, which indicate that BLANCHE, wearied with a long series of conquests, is about to reduce her millinery force, and place her ornaments on a peace footing. Some months ago we drew attention to a remarkable fact. At Ems last summer BLANCHE had two great guns to support her-an Irish Major and a Baron of the Exchequer, while at Llandudno we have lately seen a more pacific policy prompting her to accept the humble protection of a Minor Canon. BLANCHE, in right of her position, with a splendid capital surrounded by flats, must always remain a great Power. Nor is it desirable that it should be otherwise. LIZZIE and LOTTY have long since abandoned their short-lived dreams of conquest. BLANCHE has therefore nothing to fear from them. Then let us look at her foreign relations. It has been whispered that BLANCHE has an eye to the Marquis's smiles, and aspires to extend that influence which she acquired in the Mediterranean, when recently on board of his yacht. But can she do this without wounding the just susceptibilities of her Italian cousins who are deeply interested in the Marquis's smiles, and would regard as a casus belli any attempt at annexation by a neighbouring power? We opine not. Under these circumstances we sincerely trust that BLANCHE will listen to the counsel-the eminent counsel-SIR LUCIUS O'LAUGHAGIN, Q.C., and that their arms will be conjugally united. BLANCHE cannot be blind to the claims of one who so nobly sustained her in her hour of trial, and brought her out of action with flying colours (vide LOVEBOND V. SNAPIT. Case on promises. Damages, £5,000.) By this course BLANCHE will be amply compensated for her surrender of the Marquis's smiles, and at peace with all mankind, will no longer agitate by her charms those who have a sensible aversion to the horrors of law. |