OUR COMPANY.

(How it was "got up :" what it was "got up for ;" and what it did when it was "got up.")

In these days of Companies it struck us-me and ARCHIE BRISTOWE, or rather vice versa, only I originated the idea that it would be a good notion to get up a Company. We decided that ARCHIE would make an excellent Chairman of Directors; in fact, I rather think that it was

suggestion.

something in the sound of BRISTOWE's name that gave rise to the Yes, it did, too. I said to BRISTOWE, "What a capital Chairman you'd make." To which he replied, "Yes, Chairman of Directors." Whereupon I cried, as if by inspiration, "Directors of a Company! Let's get up a Company." ARCHIE BRISTOWE said, You're another;" which for the moment rather confused me. We, having talked the matter over, called upon JOE BARCLAY. JOE's a good fellow, a sharp fellow, and knows a good deal about this sort of thing. At least so we had always heard. JOE was practical in a second. What was the Company's object? he asked. BRISTOWE at first suggested "the Company's pecuniary benefit; but, on consideration, added, "and to offer peculiar advantages to the Public." tion was not quite so simple. BARCLAY said that something might be What should it be got up for, was the simple difficulty. The soludone with Soap. We thought so, too. Soap, decidedly. BRISTOWE wanted to know "How?" He meant "In what way ?" BARCLAY answered, "Well, Works-Soap Works." "Or Drinking Fountains," some one suggested-I think it was myself.

BRISTOWE observed that Drinking Fountains wasn't a bad notion. BARCLAY, however, stuck to Soap. Somebody, perfectly disinterested, who had dropped in on a visit, proposed an amalgamation of the first with the second-say, Soap-and-Water.

We made him a Director on the spot. He said, No, he didn't care about it, or he'd rather not; but we included him in our list, and told him that it wouldn't be any trouble to him. His name was FELTON. He had a great idea of offices and papers. He said everything ought to be done in form; where was a bit of paper? and pens ? and ink? Now he would at once put down the names of the Directors.

The idea struck us all at once, FELTON should be the Secretary-the very man for the post. FELTON said, “No, no, no! he'd rather not." We said, "Yes, and with a salary. By all means with a salary." Carried nem. con., FELTON voting with us.

BRISTOWE proposed that this should be considered our first meeting. BARCLAY said that of course the Company would be Limited. We said, "Yes; Limited, decidedly." ("Limited ") in brackets.

PIDGE wanted to know what was meant by "Limited." The Chairman said, we'd come to that by-and-by.

FELTON asked authoritatively where was a note-book? BARCLAY said he'd send out for one; and, as some of the Directors offered to pay for it, he made a merit of presenting it to the Company. It was a large school copy-book. FELTON said it would do for the present, just to enter minutes in. We agreed that for that purpose it was peculiarly well adapted.

Well, what should be our first minute? asked the Secretary, looking round, pen in hand.

We appealed to the Chairman, who was on the sofa. It was agreed unanimously that a Chairman mustn't sit on a sofa; that business was business; and that if this thing was to come to anything, we really must be business-like. The Chairman, after some little difficulty, arising from the question being put as to whether smoking should be allowed during a business-meeting (this was settled in favour of smoking), took the chair.

FELTON then wrote down,

"First Meeting of Directors (with date),

BARCLAY said Soap.

It was unanimously decided that this was tomfoolery contemplated by our bye-law.

bye-laws, or, generally speaking, what was a bye-law ! One of the Directors wished to inquire whether the Minutes were

The Chairman explained that a bye-law was a law made when another law existing or rather, to put it clearer, a bye-law was rendered necessary by an already existing law to a contrary effectSecretary (interrupting). No; to the same effect. Chairman. Well, a bye-law is merely a law that

"Smoking is strictly forbidden on the platform, vide Bye-Laws A Director. Yes, but has it the force of law? For instance,was that a- -(wandering)—was this bye-law one of the Regular Laws,

oror, in fact

Another Director (plaintively). But there are no platforms in our Company. (Laugh from the Secretary.)

First Director said it was nonsense talking like this. He (PIDGE) knew what he (BARCLAY) meant.

The Secretary inquired what he should write down as being the object scratched out Soap once, and it was absurd going on writing down and that the Company had in view. Was it Soap, or not? He had scratching out every minute.

Everyone said that this was absurd, and that the books ought to be Windsor Soap, Scented Soap, or all kinds of Soap? kept in a business-like manner. BARCLAY asked whether we proposed the sale of Common Soap,

Pidge (as the best way of getting out of an unforeseen difficulty). Oh! all kinds of Soap.

All shake their heads. Somehow, no one sees the feasibility of the Soap project now. A silence ensues, during which the Chairman looks vacantly at his watch-chain, and the Secretary attempts a portrait of nobody in particular, in fancy costume, among the minutes. The two Directors watch him feebly, with some vague feeling that the whole proceeding is not exactly business-like.

Secretary (suddenly waking up, and scratching out the fancy portrait). Well! Chairman looks from one to the other Director. BARCLAY votes that the meeting adjourn to-day, and they'll think it over in the meantime. The Chairman, rising with great alacrity, says, Yes, that'll be the best plan." He and the Directors take up their hats. Secretary (hastily, feeling that they are going away and leaving him to write). Here! Just stop for me! Look here, what shall I write ? Chairman (who is in a hurry to go to a flower-show). Oh, anything. The usual thing; you know. House adjourned and so forth. Only be regular-do be regular-(Exit at door, reappears again)-and enter everything in a business form.

[Exit quickly, under the impression that HE's done HIS duty at all events. Barclay. Well, I'm off.

Secretary (piteously). No, no; do stop. words to put in.

[Going. Look, I've only got a few

Barclay. Can't. I'm not going your way. Just shut the door after you when you go, you fellows, will you? [Exit in a hurry. Secretary (to Pidge the remaining Director). You know it's too bad to go off and leave a fellow to write all this. It's not business like. [He says this under the impression that he'll induce PIDGE to stop. Pidge. Yes!

[Considers how he can get off without hurting SECRETARY'S feelings. day, July the-what is it-July theSecretary (writing clearly from his notes). “At a Meeting of Directors

this

Pidge. The Fourteenth-(sees his way out)—I say, we didn't settle when we'd meet again. I'll just run after BARCLAY. [Exit suddenly. Secretary. Hi! H'm! [Calls after him.

Pidge (at front door). All right!

[Walks quietly into street, and flatters himself on his cleverness. Secretary (by himself returns sulkily from window, sits at table). It's too bad of those fellows. (Reads what he has written.) "At a Meeting of Directors this day, July the 14th, it was settled- (Thinks for a few seconds, then closes book). Oh yes, I can enter that at our next meeting.

It went on to relate the particulars of a social gathering, described a pic nic of an unusual character." This description of the pic-nic seemed to suggest that it had been held for the benefit of the "Orthopædic Hospital," or some similar institution for the cure of club feet,

right reading, for what looked like simply wrong spelling, to be fête.

THE LAW OF SELF DEFENCE.

THE remarks of the venerable CHIEF BARON are mostly so replete with common sense that the ensuing extract from his summing up, on the trial of MR. DEBENHAM, as given in the Times, may surely be supposed to have been strangely modified by the pen of a generally correct reporter:

"It was not of much consequence to consider whether or not the house had been attempted to be entered before by burglars, though one would think that if such attempts were made, the prisoner ought to have been the more cool and cautious." From being used to it? A man's house has been several times broken open, and therefore he ought to be able to take an apparent attempt to break into it coolly! This is what the LORD CHIEF BARON is made to say. Lord Dundreary would hardly have said it. His Lordship is represented to have proceeded to lay down the law thus:

"There were undoubtedly circumstances in which the firing of a pistol would be justifiable-those, for instance, in which a burglar entered a house, or was about to enter one, with all the implements of housebreaking upon him, and there were no other means of preventing the loss of life, or property, or both."

It is possible that the words above quoted may have really been those of the learned Judge who presided at MR. DEBENHAM's trial. The CHIEF BARON was obliged to law down the law as it is. It is the law then, and not the CHIEF BARON personally, that tells you that you are justified in firing at a burglar only under circumstances which it is impossible for you to know. You are at liberty to shoot a burglar only in case you are quite certain that he has skeleton keys, and a "jemmy,' and a life preserver, or some other deadly weapon in his pockets, and that he will surely attempt to rob you or murder you, or both, even if you give him the chance of stealing off. Dogberry, in his charge to the watch, said something very much of this sort, which the LORD CHIEF BARON had to say in his charge to the jury. But Dogberry was dictating, not laying down, the law, and the law was Dogberry's own, and therefore Dogberry, personifying the law, deserved to be written down

THE OBJECTIVE MIND.

(4 Song by a Cynic.)
AIR,-" The Mistletoe Bough."

ON business whenever my way I wend,
Or my time in the streets on a ramble spend,
Perpending the work I have to do,

Or pondering what may, or not, be true,
As I mark what small cause will collect a crowd,
I am often constrained to sing aloud,
Oh, the Objective Mind!
Oh, the Objective Mind!

A multitude frequently bars my path,
Arrests my course, and excites my wrath.
To stare at, what have those people found?

It is only a horse down they 're gathered around.
No aid can they render the prostrate steed,
Meanwhile, my progress they impede.

Oh, &c.

Blocked up is the street I fain would thread,
There is one to be buried, or two have been wed;
Nor the corpse nor the couple that throng have known;
The affair they're intent on is not their own.
They have often seen just the same sight before,
As the one whereupon they gaze and pore.
Oh, &c.

Whenever I'm struck with a brilliant thought,
And to fix the idea my mind has caught,
Stopping in one of the streets of Town,

I bend o'er my note-book to set it down,

I find myself, as soon as I rise,
The cynosure of surrounding eyes.
Oh, &c.

My dog was run over the other day,
When he happened to get in a taxed-cart's way.
No bones were broke, but he howled aloud,

And of course immediately drew a crowd.

I carried him home-that was much to see-
And a mob at my heels dogged my dog and me.

Oh, &c.

CONVERTED ENGLAND.

R

束

EALLY, Boulogne-surmer must be an interesting place to Sheriffs' officers and others, as being the resort of expatriated Englishmen, whose debts, alas, prohibit their returning to their native land. So many Great (and) Little) Britons are, for this reason, residing there, that the natives of Boulogne-sur-mer are naturally more interested than foreigners are generally for the welfare of Great Britons. As a proof of this, a notice has been sent to Mr. Punch, informing him that, every Sunday, at the church of St. Nicolas,

in Boulogne-sur-mer a

mass is to be said :

"Pour la conversion de l'Angleterre... autrefois l'île des Saints, maintenant, hélas! séparée de la Sainte Église."

In the litany appointed for recital at this service, no fewer than eight saintesses and two-and-forty saints are specially invoked by name, and solicited to pray for poor perverted England; while other saints and saintesses, whose names are not recorded, are in general terms entreated to proffer their petitions to the like effect. In common with other Englishmen, Mr. Punch of course feels grateful that such efforts are made for the benefit of England; and when the prayers of all the saints have succeeded in converting it, Mr. Punch and other Englishmen will doubtless put their faith in the powers of the Saints.

RESISTANCE TO THE ARISTOCRACY.
(Communicated.)

WE adverted to the attempt made by the Right Hon. the LORD BRIGHT at coercing the constituency of Manchester into returning his brother, the Hon. MR. JACOB. It was supposed that Manchester would be compelled to submit to this dictation, for her trade is so entirely dependent on the will of the above nobleman, whose domineering character is well known, that unless we had the protection of the ballot, it would be vain to contend against his power. But we are happy to be able to say, that resistance has been successfully offered to this haughty aristocrat, and that he has been prevented from forcing his honourable little brother upon the representation. A re-inforcement of Conservatives, who, having nothing to hope for from LORD BRIGHT, had nothing to fear from him, came up, and MR. HEYWOOD avenged his own wrongs and those of the party by leading away the ultra-contingent, where it was of no use in the battle. MR. JAMES, a reasonable Liberal, won the seat, and we have JACOBUS instead of JACOB. So my LORD BRIGHT may stalk up and down his ancestral halls, wishing that the good old times had come back, and there were pit and gallows for the democratic recalcitrants.

FASHIONABLE FRIPPERY.

WE 'learn from the best writers upon that exciting theme, The Fashions, that straw and steel are now considered the proper things wherewith to decorate young ladies-and doubtless old ones too, if they require decoration. The fashion is to wear the straw scattered upon the skirt, and the steel made into bracelets, as well as into beads and bangles and spangles for the head-dress. Ladies who would dress in what is deemed the proper style, must have their wrists adorned like those of captured pickpockets, and must appear in the costume of Ophelia in her mad scene, plus a pair of disjoined handcuffs. A girl who has the folly to be guided by Le Follet, but is obliged to study some economy in dress, should pull her straw bonnets to bits, and sew the pieces on her skirt, and should ornament her hair with scraps of the steel hoops discarded from her petticoats. Were a philosopher to introduce a magnet at a party, half the ladies in the room would be resistlessly attracted to it. Away would go their head-gear and stick tight to the loadstone; and down would come their backhair, all the pins being l

drawn out of it. What a scene this would be for a farce or a burlesque. We advise our comic playwrights directly to seize hold of it. By the bye, if for burlesquing they want to find an opera in which they might most fitly introduce this magnet scene, they had better try their wits upon The Rose of Cast Steel.

KILLED, WOUNDED AND MISSING.

WHILE loud battle's roar is

Twixt Lib'rals and Tories,

Through cheers, rotten eggs, howls and hissing,
A minist'ring angel,

Lo, Punch dares to range all

The field, for "killed, wounded, and missing!"

O'er the corpse of FRED PEEL,
Swathed thick, head to heel

In Red-tape, the Phillipians make merry;

Why, courting disgrace,
Would he fight in a place,

With the ominous title of Bury?

Kidderminster we know,

Swore she'd never stand Lowe,

Quick to brickbats her sons wrath and gin stir,
Carlton cash, on the nail,

Has made WHITE's star pale,

For a Grant is what suits Kidderminster.

His own trumpets may herald
The charge of FITZGERALD,

But as victor the lists won't endorse him:
There he lies, with hope's dream o'er,
And can't say or see more.

Since a HURST, with a hoist, could unhorse him.

And brisk VISCOUNT BURY
Is mortified very,

His old field lost, in fresh field thrown over:
Why, when snuffed out at Wick,
Cross the isle's length so quick,

If 'twas but to be buried at Dover?

To be PAGET by race,
And in Court hold high place,
Is to tower in life's uppercrust ranges;
Litchfield ought to be partial
To equerry and marshal,

Yet its old for new diet it changes.

How thrills fight, and shudders field,
At laches of Huddersfield,

While the Battle

of the Elections rageth, Punch Looketh after the killed, wounded, and missing.

Bury rejecteth FRED PEEL for PHILLIPS.

Kidderminster that erst broke the head of BOB LOWE, turneth out WHITE for GRANT.

SEYMOUR FITZGERALD is over

thrown by

HURST at Horsham.

VISCOUNT BURY leaving Wick is run down by FRESHFIELD at Dover.

LORD ALFRED PAGET, Chief Equerry and Clerk Marshal, is thrown over at Lichfield for COLONEL DYOTT.

Young LEATHAM, JOHN BRIGHT'S Brother-in-law,

Which, if bright blades it have, won't unsheath 'em; is cruelly done
His brother-in-law waiving,
Like a cross-land behaving,

It coolly throws over young LEATHAM!

From the schoolmaster's rod,
You may shrink, or his nod,

But the schoolmaster's brother you may cob;
So the Manchester school
Speaks its mind on BRIGHT's rule,
By upsetting JOHN BRIGHT's brother, JACOB.

And young NAMBY-PAMBERLEY,
Who strove, fly-in-amber-ly,

To get where folks must say, "How odd! Is 't he?"
Embracing his banes,

An antidote gains

In a purl which may teach him some modesty!

But the worst news comes last:
Punch, his colours half-mast
Hoists, in token of heart-breaking trial;
COX IS GONE his best butt,
Let the Commons' House shut-
Without Cox, there's præterea nihil!

to death at Huddersfield by CROSSLAND.

Manchester, rising in revolt against Newall's Buildings, will none of JACOB BRIGHT, JOHN'S Brother.

LORD NAMBY PAMBERLEY, of Leeds, finds that BAINES can't command antidotes against defeat.

But, most grievous blow of all, Cox IS OUT FOR FINSBURY!

The Roman Catholic Oath Bill. LORD DERBY declines to unmuzzle the Dog Whose howling affords him amazing delight, But DERBY can't see, through a thick Tory fog, The Dog's bark is by many more shunned than his bite.

THE GUIDE TO BRADSHAW.

PREFACE.

ELDOM. if ever, has the gigantic intellect of man been employed upon a work of greater utility, or upon one of such special application and general comprehensiveness, as in the projection, completion, publication, and sustention of the now familiar Bradshaw. Few literary efforts, however high their aim either in the ethereal regions of Art, or the sublime paths of Philosophy, have ever achieved so much for the cause of Progress as has the Book of BRADSHAW.

raised by its supposed difficulties, and these it shall be alike our duty and our pleasure to explain.

Once let a doubt of BRADSHAW be confirmed and established, and in whom, in what, shall we put our confidence?

And yet, such is the original imperfection inherent in even the most carefully elaborated human scheme, the writings of BRADSHAW, it is objected, contain so many difficulties, real or apparent, so many contradictions, so much error, mingled, it is allowed, with a certain amount of truth, as to partially destroy its character for credibility, and so far to injure its usefulness for guidance, as to render it unworthy of that implicit reliance which most minds would be willing to place in the dicta of an acknowledged superior and accredited teacher. In answer, we contend that the so-called difficulties are far less real than apparent, and that the honest student, who applies himself heart and soul to the work, will encounter no greater obstacles than such as were surmounted by CHAMPOLLION, during his laborious researches into the mysteries of the Egyptian hieroglyphics.

The plain title of the Book carries with it the overwhelming grandeur of simplicity. Who is there but can without effort pronounce it? What being so dull as not to respond interiorly to its utterance? BRADSHAW! Let us repeat it mildly, softly, soothingly-BRADSHAW! Let us be

Once let the discovery be made that in the statements contained in BRADSHAW no trust can be reposed, and what abiding happiness will remain to us in life? To and fro shall we be drifting, from one Station to another, from one informant to another, now clinging to this opinion now holding on by that, at one time late for an early train, at another early for a late, dependent upon ignorant officials, at the mercy of grasping porters, equally uncertain as to the moment for entering or leaving a compartment, we, with mental powers weakened, equanimity utterly overthrown, and physical capacities prematurely decayed, shall ultimately find ourselves harmlessly playing at Steam-Engines on the green sward of Colney Hatch, or composing an Oratorio out of old Great Western time-tables while wandering in the cloisters of the secluded Hanwell.

Quo Tendimus? To this, an admission of the existence of difficulties, a staunch denial of their insuperability, and an acknowledgment of the great need of a competent expositor. In this character we come forward as the champion of BRADSHAW, and Guide to the Guide.

bard and fierce in our tone, as announcing an authority from whose decision there lies no appeal-BRADSHAW! Let us pronounce his name in the broken accents of despair-the despair of one who has no time to lose, and to whom every minute is of the last importance-let us, half weeping, say BRAD-AD-SHAW. Let us lispingly allude to him among the false smiles, false teeth, false hair, and false hearts of the gilded saloon, as BWADTHAW! Mentioned where you will, and how you will, there is a strange charm in the name that rivets the attention, even though it fail to reach the understandings, of all hearers.

Of the genuineness of BRADSHAW there may, and indeed must, always exist most reasonable doubts. The question of its authenticity has been

CHAPTER I.

Of the Genuineness of BRADSHAW-Objections answered-His wit, humour, satire-Our Line.

CONCERNING the authorship of BRADSHAW, it seems to us no reasonable doubt can be entertained. It is as evidently to our minds the compilation of several hands, as are the Iliad and Odyssey of HOMER.

We attribute no weight whatever to this objection as regards_the trustworthy character of the information contained in the book. For, than to say St. Paul's was built by SIR CHRISTOPHER WREN, who, it to say that a certain book was written by one BRADSHAW, is no more may be fairly supposed, never touched so much as a stock or stone in a practical way during the rearing of the ecclesiastical edifice:

"SIR CHRISTOPHER WREN Directed his men,"

and no more nor less than this fell to the lot of BRADSHAW.

That the hand which had guided the work to its completion, should have given the few finishing touches required, is far from improbable, and some of the index fingers, shunting lines, and amusing, though perplexing, arrangements and notices, are, without doubt, from the facile