MESSAGES FROM THE GREAT EASTERN. (From our Special Correspondent.) "Thursday. We are now on an unfathomable abyss. No doubt this is a gigantic vessel, but what if that awful monster, the Kraken, should be enraged at beholding the largest ship that has ever sailed the sea, and should rise at her? I do not believe that he is a fabulous creature. Nor, secretly, does my friend, and he has confessed to me that he is more comfortable than he should have been, had our ship continued to be called Leviathan, Recommended me to read HOBBES's work of that name, as containing the very latest zoological information. I have nothing to report to-day, except that I am told that the pressure of so much electrical matter on board renders our compasses utterly worthless, and that we steer by the stars. As there are none, I do not know how this is managed. My friend, the officer says that he saw an azimuth, but did not like to shoot it, remembering COLERIDGE's albatross." "Tuesday. Y reason of an accident, my messages have been stopped for a week. The details were kept a profound secret, but it was given out that a kink had occurred, I have endeavoured in vain to ascertain what a kink is. My "Hearing that there was another kink in the cable, I made a formal Irish friend begs me application to see it, as I had a right to do. The Captain assured me not to ask him, but that as soon as it was taken out, it should be brought into my cabin for refers me to the Irish me to see. I retired thither accordingly, and late in the afternoon my melody called 'Brien Irish friend came in, followed by some sailors, who brought the kink the Brave. Happily in a tub of salt water. It is a singular creature, and seemed to me to I have the book, resemble a gridiron as much as anything, its head representing the but can only see a handle, but I could not look closely, for the men kept it as much as posstatement that the sible under a blanket, stating that too much light would be fatal. I do hero in question not wonder at its stopping the current of electricity. My friends said "Returns to Kinkora that they had seen larger ones, one, I think, is preserved among the no more.' I wait curiosities at a London Club called the Steaks, and another was obtained, explanation. We years ago, by the landlord of a waterside inn somewhere in the East of have quite got away, the Metropolis, and called Dolly's. I asked what would be done and are paying out with it, and they said that very likely the sailors would put it on the merrily. The scene fire for the benefit of their supper. This seemed cruel, but we have no at the laying the such scruples in the case of lobsters and crabs. I am glad to have Shore end was, I am seen a kink, but I wish I could have sketched it. I am informed, told, very remark- however, that a work called COBBETT's Register has several drawings able, but there is of the creature." such a disposition to turn everybody out of the ship, that I thought it best to stick on board, as I might not have got back again. A reporter for the Seven Dials Delineator was found in a cask, with a bottle of gin, and a Dutch cheese, and I am told, for I could not witness the appalling sight, was keel-hauled, and the lines on the larboard side breaking, he never came up, and is supposed to have been eaten by one of our gigantic barnacles." "Wednesday. "A Deputation from the Company, the Electricians, and the Captain and crew waited upon me, introduced by my Irish friend. It was respectfully represented to me that the Telegraph was really a private affair, and not the public's, and that reporters had no more right on board than they had in my apartments in Lyndhurst Square, Peckham. My presence was stated to be most welcome, but I was requested, in the event of my beholding something which might appear to me to be very dreadful, not to describe it until my return to England. I remembered the unfortunate case of the Seven Dials Delineator, and gave the "Friday. promise, desiring to see no barnacles except those of my aged grand"It was not a kink, whatever that may be. A large piece of metal mother at Peckham. I afterwards endeavoured to ascertain from my pipe ran into the cable, and immediately began letting off the electricity friends what might be in contemplation. One looked (as always) Yes, parinto the sea. The fizzing and turmoil could be distinctly witnessed, I exceedingly grave. The other said, You saw that kink?' Ah!' am informed, from our masthead, and my friend the officer says tially.' young 'What do you mean?' The Company will not take that the explosion was thought to be a water-spout. The pipe has been your word.' He left the cabin, groaning deeply, and repeating, 'O, for plugged, and we are again insulated. The most bitter reproaches are a Lodge in some vast wilderness!' I do not understand this, but if I being sent us from Valentia, in the name of the British public, and the never telegraph again, remember that I was doing my duty, and look Captain says, that if it were not that he has a duty to do, he would put after my respected grandmother." back to Valentia, and punch the public's head. I have advised him to be pacific, but he says that would be unseamanlike, as he is on the Atlantic. It is difficult to understand nautical etiquette." Saturday. "All goes well. My friend the young officer says that messages constantly arrive from Ireland. We are instructed to take great care not to let our line become entangled with the Equinoctial line, he says, and there is now a meeting in an Irish gentleman's cabin to consider this important subject. Several bottles have been sent for, I presume, glass being a non-conductor, to try experiments. I have just seen the servant come out with some scraps of tin-foil, which I know is used in an electrical machine. As the door opened I caught the word 'bird's eye,' which is the view, I presume, on some chart they are consulting." Sunday. "I am told by the chief mate to put my watch back an hour, as the day has decreased 63. Looking at the almanack, I see that it is so, but I do not remember that this correction was necessary on land. Although Sunday, the process of paying out goes on. A Scotchman on board grumbled that it was not right. Presently he remarked that he saw sharks, and that they evidently mistook our line for one with a bait. The stupid fish are sold,' he added. And it's lawful to sell fish on Sunday, you know,' said my Irish friend. The Scotchman was so shocked at the laugh that he retreated to his cabin and ordered whiskey. We had no sermon again to-day-the electricians say, and the Irish agree, that the monotony of a single voice, for a long period, has some disturbing effect on the electric current, which they cannot exactly explain." ་ VICTORY TO THE CLASSICS. "THERE are Thirty-Nine Dissenters in the New Parliament. There are Thirty-Nine Articles. This is clearly a conspiracy. Each schismatic is to destroy one article. While we have a NEWDEGATE, we will not utterly despair, but things never looked so bad for the Church."Record. SHAMELESS IMPUDENCE. Fat Gent. "HALF PRICE HAS JUST COMMENCED, I BELIEVE?" THE INSTRUCTIVE DRAMA. AN ENTIRELY NEW INVENTION. (REGISTERED.) PROLOGUE (which explains the novelty). COMPLAINTS are made, by men reputed wise, That plays are only shows to please the eyes, Or that, at best, they only offer folks The shallowest sentiments and oldest jokes. The charge is partly just. VICTORIA's age Shall see a novel drama on the stage: The characters shall blend, in every act, Passion and fiction with some valued fact, And each spectator, newly taught, shall say, "I have derived instruction from the play." Kyind friends, to a propitious fate conduct Our 'umble aim to charm and to instruct. THE YACHT. An Instructive Brama, in Five Acts. SCENE-The Isle of Wight. [Exit, smirking. DRAMATIS PERSONE-Will appear as wanted. TIME-Greenwich. ACT I. The End of Ryde Pier. Lord Charles Chobham (discovered, in nautical attire, with telescope. He looks through it). No sign of the Portsmouth steamer that should bring my beloved HARRIET. O glass, glass, whose invention is commonly but erroneously attributed to the starry GALILEO Henry (his friend). Erroneously, CHARLES. Indeed? Lord Charles. You here! 'Tis well. Yes, HENRY, and as my loved one comes not, it may while away an idle hour to improve the mind of my friend. THE SURGEON TO HIS SWEETHEART. ORGANISATION's loveliest flower, My own that system let me call, Above those orbits mind is there, Mine eyes discern a perfect skull. Just planted in its proper place, Right o'er the buccinator glows. Within the white and slender hand Which that fair female subject owns, How lax each ligamentous band That binds the metacarpal bones! Those bones, compressed, that hand, in sport, Just as the Humbugs DAVENPORT (Who've sloped) the rope-trick used to do. Oh, may that hand's palmaris be Stretched close as possible to mine! And may our sentiments agree Whilst our phalanges intertwine. And Hymen's suture make us one. Pleasant News. THERE has been a Maiden Assize at Kilkenny, the celebrated place where the two cats ate one another, and nothing was left but the two tails. Here is the pretty old fable again, only happily it is no fable. The Cats are metamorphosed into Gentle Maidens. Let us hope that they will hear no mice, Protestant or Catholic. Henry. Ever the same disinterested CHARLES. Lord Charles. Know, my HENRY, that the telescope is noticed by LEONARD DIGGES about 1571. ROGER BACON Henry. I have heard of him. He was LORD CHANCELLOR, and made bad statues in St. Paul's. Lord Charles. Not so. But one thing at a time. Order is Heaven's first law, ROGER BACON described, yet never saw telescopes. They were made by METIUS, of Alkmaer, and JANSEN of Middleburg, a quarter of a century before GALILEO. Henry. How charming is divine philosophy! I should like to go further into the subject. Lord Charles. You shall. But at present you must oblige me by going further from this spot, for here comes the steamer bearing her whom I love. [Exit HENRY. Enter the Portsmouth steamer. The Honourable Harriet Heatherbell (lands, and passes Lord Charles without apparent notice, but drops a shrimp at his feet, and says in a low voice). Watched! [Exit. Lord Charles (secures the shrimp). Dear, playful token from her hand. The Crangon vulgaris. Come to my lips, and indeed a little further. (Eats it.) Fresh as the dew on the rosebud at morn, it must have been boiled this afternoon. Watched, are we? (Sternly.) He who sets a watch on a British nobleman has wound up his own for the last time. [Brit. ACT II. The Undercliff. Enter a villain, who is also a terribly wealthy Greek merchant, and whose name is IPPOPOTAMOS PREPOSTEROS. He looks round. Ipp. Prep. I struggle in vain with the mixed motives that agitate my Athenian bosom. I am like this scene. In the upper part there is chalk and chalk marl in nearly horizontal strata. The centre is green sandstone. Beneath this is dark marl. Then comes ferruginous sand. The landsprings act on the marl below, and all tumbles in picturesque ruin. So it is with my blighted heart. In alternate strata are virtue, vengeance, ossification, and sentimentality. The name of HARRIET Henry (appearing from behind a boulder). Name her not. Ipp. Prep. Ha! The foolish friend of the arrogant aristocrat. (Draws a pistol.) Die! (Pulls the trigger.) No report! What juggle is this? Henry. The next time that IPPOPOTAMOS PREPOSTEROS meditates assassination, let him be sure that his bribed menial does not load the pistol with MR. GALE's safety powder, warranted not to go off. I am unaware of the chemical components of the mixture, but they evidently effect isolation between the granulated particles. Ipp. Prep. You are a bold man. Henry. This is a boulder. [They fight, and both fall into the sea. ACT III. Sea-View. THE READING ROOM. Enter LORD and LADY BURNIBOOZIE, the HON. HARRIET, their daughter, SIR STUCKUP MARTINET ALDERSHOTT, C.B., who aspires to her hand, DR. DIONYSIUS DILLWATER, the toady and family doctor, and BODley Radcliffe, a young Oxonian. Lady Burniboozie. This place is ridiculously small. Let us come out of it. [They all come out again to the shore. Sir Stuckup. Delightful place, MISS HEATHERBELL. The great charm, haw, of an island, always appeared to me, haw, to be, that it is, haw, always surrounded by water. Dr. Dillwater. A very profound remark, indicating close observation of geographical phenomena. Bodley Radcliffe. I've seen isles with no water round 'em. Dr. Dillwater. Indeed, my dear young friend. Which? Bodley Radcliffe. The aisles in church. Sold again, and bought a gallipot for twice the money. [Hums an ode of Pindar. Dr. Dillwater. Exuberant spirits! Enter SIR S. M. ALDERSHOTT. Sir Stuckup. Can you speak English? Ipp. Prep. Can a duck swim? Sir Stuckup. LORD CHARLES CHOBHAM is your enemy? Ipp. Prep. What am I to get for injuring him? Sir Stuckup. That is the style I like that is business. and want to enter good society. Next season you shall dine at the DUKE OF DILLY DALLYTON'S. Ipp. Prep. Consider it done, and my compliments to HARRIET. [Exit. Sir Stuckup. Familiar beast! [Exit. ACT V. Dusk. The deck of the Yacht of IPPOPOTAMOS PREPOSTEROS, moored off Ryde. The windows of the Club-house can be seen open, and servants bringing wine, being sworn at, &c. Pier on 'L., only lighted by a few wandering cigars. The sailors, in picturesque Albanian costumes, are reclining in groups, smoking baleikas, and one is playing on a tetrachordion, while the others sing, The Isles of Greece, the Isles of Greece, IPPOPOTAMOS PREPOSTEROS comes on board with LORD CHARLES. Ipp. Prep. That is a new view of the question. I must consider it. This yacht is Greece to them. Yet their beloved land is really bounded, under the agreement of the Allied Powers, by a somewhat tortuous line drawn across the Continent, chiefly along the summit of the range of Mount Othrys, from the mouth of the Surbiolico, to the village of Menhidhi, in the Ambracian guif. Lord Charles. I will take a note of these interesting facts. I forgot to ask who you are, or to thank you for the hospitality, you so frankly proffered when I knocked your cigar out. Ipp. Prep. Are we not all brothers, even if we have different parents? Read DR. COLENSO. Now, if you will descend into my lower cabinmy, ha, ha, parlour, you shall try my Latakia. (Aside to crew.) Anchoriten upandexit. [They descend. Sailors. We must obey. Henry (appearing and presenting revolver). The first man who obeys, I shoot. Bodley Radcliffe (appearing and presenting revolver). The second man who obeys, I shoot. Lord Burniboozie (appearing and presenting revolver). The third man who obeys, I shoot. [The three gentlemen conceal themselves. [Plash of oars heard. Boat comes alongside. SIR STUCKUP scrambles on board. Sir Stuckup. I want a word with your Skipper, haw. [Draws a pistol, and goes down. Everybody. Gracious! Harriet. CHARLES! Marquis. HARRIET! [Two pistols heard below. [The MARQUIS OF LOBSTERPOTTLE ascends. [They embrace. The others come forward. Lord Burniboozie. You will ask what meant those shots, and many other questions. Let them be answered on shore during the splendid banquet which shall crown the eve of the marriage of the MARQUIS OF Ipp. Prep. I don't care what you like. Do you understand GOETHE'S LOBSTERPOTTLE and our darling HARRIET. affinities? Sir Stuckup. I never heard of the article. Ipp. Prep. JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE was born in 1749, and died in 1832. He produced various works. That to which I alluded is among his later creations, and is a novel, called Die Wahlverwandschaften. Sir Stuckup. The word is long. Ipp. Prep. And time is short. If you desire to know any more of GOETHE Sir Stuckup. I don't. Ipp. Prep. If any of your relations desire to know any more of GOETHE [IPPOPOTAMOS PREPOSTEROS and SIR STUCKUP ascend. Ipp. Prep. We have severely wounded each other. Sir Stuckup. And are sincerely penitent. Harriet. Nothing then is wanting to complete, &c., if you, our kyind, &c., will only, &c. TAG. Lord Ch. Yet still, to vindicate our drama's art, Repeat the Instruction which we would impart. Ipp. Pr. Act Two revealed the Undercliff's formation Dr. Dill. Act Three recalled to your historic vision Sir Stuc. Act Four to literature gave what its due is, Harriet. To Educate, in every various way, Thank evans Bisnis is putty Brisc these Larst fue yeers there wos a time wen it seamed a Dyin orf but lately Jobbs as Tumbl'd hin tollerable quick so i Aven't No grate Caws to cumplane, and no doubt but wot Work makes Work. But wot I Feers is the Coars things is takin attention to the cultivation of oysters in the mouth of the Thames. We WE rejoice to see that MR. FRANK BUCKLAND is devoting his serious trust that his benevolent exertions will be duly rewarded by a large transference of oysters from the mouth of the Thames to our own. SEASONABLE.-What sort of bath would a resident of Cornhill probably prefer? A Cit's Bath. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11. Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of A SEASONABLE PETITION. O the Sportsmen of Great Britain, whether Lords or Commoners, in or out of Parlia ment, anywhere assembled, The Humble Petition of the Grouse and other Game, now under sentence of death for purposes of sporting, SHOWETH, That your petitioners are about to be pursued by your honourable selves, and hunted, caught, shot, wounded and otherwise maltreated, to afford you some amusement. That your petitioners have, from their birth, been fed and taken care of with a view to this maltreatment; and, nurtured as they are, unhappily it is not in their power to escape it. That your petitioners have heard from their grandfathers and grandmothers, who happen to have survived, or from their parents, aunts or uncles, with whom they now reside, what tortures these their relatives have received in former seasons, through being hunted by bad sportsmen, and fired at by bad shots. That your petitioners have friends who have been mangled, maimed, and mutilated, instead of being bagged, and who have suffered frightful anguish and the loss of limb or eyesight, by the clumsy way in which they have aforetime been attacked. That such agonies have specially been suffered in battues, where, in the fuss and fluster of what is called a "flush," guns have been let off without sufficient aim, and volleys have been fired at so many birds together, that some of them are certain to be wounded by stray shot. Your petitioners would therefore humbly pray that battue-shooting be in future discontinued, as being barbarous and cruel beyond the common run of sport. And your petitioners would further pray that, as far as may be possible, all bad shots be excluded from all future shooting parties, and that sportsmen be instructed how to judge their distance rightly, and to hold their weapons straight, before they be permitted to come into the field. And your petitioners would further pray that loaders be appointed to load for all unskilful sportsmen, and, to prevent such mutilation and mangling as aforesaid, that these loaders be directed to put no shot in the guns. And your petitioners would also pray that, inasmuch as what is sport to you is death to them in most cases, care should be humanely taken to make that death quite certain, and, where your petitioners are picked up before dying, they be put out of their misery ere being put into the bag. And your petitioners will ever pray, &c. [Here follow the foot-marks.] AN "ENGLISH BENEDICTINE" IN PARIS. ACCORDING to a contemporary, BROTHER IGNATIUS has written a letter from Manchester, dated on the "Feast of St. Anne, Mother of the Blessed Virgin Mary," wherein having stated some remarkable particulars relative to certain of his make-believe monks : "With regard to ex Brother STANISLAUS, Brother IGNATIUS adds, that that individual went with his (IGNATIUS') money to Paris. There he was to have spent his time in meditation and penance for his sins, while the hope was held out to him to return to Norwich." Paris is just the very place of all, others in the whole world to send a sham friar to with money, and a commission to spend his time in meditation and penance for his sins. Accordingly, none but persons of the snowiest innocence will be surprised at the following account of "STANISLAUS;" "He, however," says Brother IGNATIUS, "entirely falsified his word, and yet at the same time writes to ask me for more money." Very likely. STANISLAUS most probably assured [IGNATIUS that he VOL. XLIX. meant to flog himself three times a-day, and to subsist on soupe maigre. Of course, what he did was to go and dine every day at the best restaurant that he knew, and drink as much champagne and Burgundy as ever he could. In the evening he may reasonably be supposed to have generally repaired in his monk's habit to a bal masqué. And then no wonder that he soon wrote back to his Superior to ask him for more money. The Lost Pleiad. THE following extraordinary advertisement appears in a Sheffield paper :FOR SALE-SIX PRESSING VICES. Are these the same as the Seven Deadly Sins; and if so, where is the missing one? THE PRACTICAL VETERINARIAN.-Pen cows affected with cow-pox together with sheep that are threatened with small-pox. |