EXCELSIORES! It was the remark of a dentist in comfortable practice, that he would rather scale a tooth than THE GUIDE TO BRADSHAW. CHAPTER III. scale a mountain. There is something in that. BRADSHAW's Peculiar Humour-Division of Trains-The Double Janus-Leaf out of BRADSHAW Nevertheless the members of the Alpine Club, and others who wish to qualify themselves for the fellowship of that aspiring Society, will continue to scale mountains at this time of year, risking their necks. The statute against the employment of climbing boys is inoperative in Switzerland, and besides, there is no statute to prevent boys from employing themselves in climbing wherever they please, and can do so without trespassing. Salisbury Spire would answer nearly every purpose to gratify the adventurous mountain climber, who climbs for mere adventure. Its ascent is as dangerous as can be desired. There is a man who climbs it every year to oil the weather-vane. He doubtless would, for a sufficient consideration, yield a turn of his office to any gentleman ambitious of performing it, and the gentleman could, when he had reached the summit of his ambition and that of the spire, signalise his intrepidity by standing on his head there, to the admiration of all beholders. The only objection to the Spire of Salisbury Cathedral, as compared with a mountain, is that the stones of the former are certainly not accustomed to crack and bounce off and tumble about the ears of those who ascend it. But a high wind, during which the ascent might be made, or a storm of thunder and lightning, would make the chances tolerably even. In connection with the subject of ears, just mentioned, there is room for a further suggestion. Horses, in races, often win by a head, or part of a head. Might there not be mountain races, in which the competitors in climbing perpendicular mountains, could sometimes win by length of ears? But the same anonymous bard who sings, for the enlivenment of the tender mind, "Here we go up, up, up," also announces, in tuneful numbers, "There we go down, down, down." Here, indeed, we sometimes do both, and there too; but that is neither here nor there. Here, let us say, are the Alps for the members of the Alpine Club and their imitators to mount in the spirit of the former of the two above quoted lines of immortal but infantile verse. There are Etna and Vesuvius to descend in a frame of mind accordant with the latter. And, for the sort of people who like running into ex tremes, the chance of slipping into an abyss of lava is as good fun as that of being buried in a depth of snow. Enterprising speculators should get up a petition praying Parliament to pass an Act enabling anybody who chooses to insure the lives of members of the Alpine Club. Obedience over the Left. -Isolated Jests-Irish Time-An A.B.C. Guide-B.'s Fun Allegorically Treated. W E will now turn our attention to the specimens of our author's peculiar vein of humour traceable throughout his book. In order to arrive at this vein we must remove the superficial crust, and dig deep down for the valuable ore, for which we are searching. If the reader will be good enough to adopt our method, he will soon be possessed of means for the due working of the great BRADSHAW mine. After considerable labour, we divide all trains into six classes; exclusive of their own internal divisions (alas!) of first, second, and third:The 1st consists of those trains which start and arrive. The 2nd of run." such as do not start, but arrive. The 3rd of such as do start, but do not arrive. The 4th of Having got thus far, we will take a leaf out of BRADSHAW, and carefully examine it :- Gen. Man. (2) J. SMITH.] [Supt. of Line, Jo. MILLER. Assistant-Supt., GRIMALDI, Jun. (1) Don't pay any attention to this: a mere formal preamble. on dep. 180 170 0 90 0 45 5 Messford 264 260 0 108 0 273 210 0 105 0 83 0 46 0 Nark 89, 90, 100, 99. arr. M'ster dep. 1:45 82 0 THE REV. MR. LYNE, who calls himself BROTHER OF FATHER IGNATIUS, gave a lecture the other evening at St. Martin's Hall, the Monastic Life," and, says the Post: "He described the life of a monk as that of a man unmarried for the sake of God, and vowed to chastity, poverty, and obedience." If MR. LYNE is himself "vowed to obedience" why does he not obey his Bishop, and leave off making a fool of himself? PAROCHIAL SHAKESPEARE. (Quotation from Othello adapted by the Beadle and addressed to the Bell-ringer.) "SILENCE that dreadful bell, it frights the aisle." :: Wumsley 60, 46, 1, 10 The point being that if you look at page 102, you will be informed that there is no train for Withem from Pickershill junction; and so you'll have to begin all your calculations over again. Now, just take a simple case, and, having once mastered it, you'll never have any more trouble with BRADSHAW again. Say you want to go from London to Wagton. Take the first column: there's nothing to suit you there, as you don't want a local train, even if you knew what it means. Column 2, Government train. That sounds well, and arrives at Wagton at three. Just the thing. But it starts from Horbury! How do you get to Horbury? Well, say in a cab. Ah! but then this train runs on Saturdays only; and you must go on Wednesday. Give up Column No. 2. Column 3 is a puzzle. Where is Felton Station? Ah, no! Look back at Column 2. Observe the train that The only sound principle of legislation is that of the greatest happiness, which means the greatest profit, of the greatest number. Individual interests must be sacrificed to those of the majority. Individuals themselves must be sacrificed to majorities. It used to be thought a man's duty in some cases to die for his country. Duty is all stuff; but death for their country is a necessity which some men must submit to. I don't advocate capital punishment as punishment, because that implies justice, and I don't believe in justice. I simply maintain that it is for the interest of the community that some persons should be hanged, as it is that other persons should be shot. In a general sense of the phrase, I say, "Hang individuals!" Deprive them of their inventions, their property, their skin, if required for the public convenience. What are the odds so long as the community is happy? Individuals must grin and bear the privation and ruin which are demanded to gratify Society at large. Let them make up their minds and submit to be crushed quietly under the triumphant chariot-wheels of Prosperity, CAPITAL. Progress, and THE last new thing in Naval Architecture is a yacht, which_an American gentleman is having constructed, called the Cigar Ship. The motive power, however, of this vessel is no such novelty as her name would seem to imply. She is worked by steam and not by smoke. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-AUGUST 19, 1865. HOUSEKEEPING A LA MODE, OR FOOD VERSUS FINERY. MRS. BULL. "NOW, MY DEAR B., DON'T BE CROSS. YOU SEE THE COMPLETE DRESS ONLY COMES TO " MR. BULL (reads Milliner's Bill). "SIX HUNDRED POUNDS OF BUTCHER'S MEAT, MY DEAR, THAT'S ALL!" |