they are going, or their own end. They sigh, look sad, and grieve at every mishap of yours, while an eternal spring enlivens their countenances, though they continually err like lost (black) sheep; and I have always remarked this as a fact, that when a man places himself up in your midst as a pattern of religion, he confirms himself as a hypocrite, for no humble man exalts himself. But he who touches pitch, must be defiled, and therefore I will hastily drop the subject. CHAPTER XXIV. HANS discovers that there is still another species of philosophy, known as Physiognomy. His views about the matter, in plain English. "In thy face I see, The map of honor, truth, and loyalty." I see danger and disobedience in thine eye." Physiognomy is the science by which the dimensions of the heart are taken from a survey of the face; and in order to chime in with the reformation of this age, it must be termed Phisiopathy. Phisiopathy is a scientific sounding of the human heart. Its field of display is the countenance, and it roams in search of problems from crown to collar-bone. The face has, in all ages, been considered as a reflection of the heart, and the man who is honest or roguish, cannot long conceal his true character. As a tavern sign-board denotes the hospitality and good cheer of a landlord, so does a man's smiling face represent the quality of his nature As a cloudy day portends a storm, so does a wrinkled brow signify an already beaten-up storm, or one to come. Man is a package of dust, wrapped up in mortality, and labeled on the outside, according to the contents; a book which contains many strange things. Still, a man "may smile and be a villain, and frame his face to all occasions." The nose, being the prominent feature of the countenance, is the foundation of this science; and this little prominence is the father of much wise and learned discussion. It has been a tool for the philosopher-a theme for the poet-a landmark for the painter-the target for spleen to shoot at--a leader into mischief-a "smeller out of suits"-a drunkard's lantern light- a valley of snuff, and a musical horn. Lavater, in a philosophical essay on noses, remarks, that "pointed noses are witty," and that "blunt noses are not so." Very true, Mr. Lavater. Razors that are set are keener than others; and why should not a sharp nose be better evidence of cuteness than a blunt one. A sharpnosed man is evidently a razor-nosed man, and he would shave you out of your countenance, if he could. Commentators are in doubt "whether the nose be wit itself, or the cause of wit;" thus stupidly making this feature as great a man as Jack Falstaff. A sharp-nosed man cuts through this world's ice without difficulty—and a slight pull upon this "bold relief," saddles the trespassers with a long suit and heavy damages. A large mouth denotes that the owner is a great eateror considerable of a bellower--or an orator; if the mouth be small, and the aperture firmly sealed, the owner is obstinate and stubborn, and moves along in this world without regard to the current. Women have very large mouths, because nature, intending that they should be inveterate talkers, supplied them with a great machine to talk with. Would to heaven we could, in our ingenuity, get up some sort of a machine to make mankind better. The birch in youth answers very well, temporarily; prisons do no good-rope is ineffectual-because to some minds it is not used often enough. Now, if there be indeed so much truth in this science, we ought to be able to effect a reformation in feature, and then the heart changes of course. If the nose be too long, shorten it; if too blunt, sharpen it; if too crooked, straighten it; if the eye be too black, make it blue; if too bright, deaden it; if too vacant, brighten it; if the chin tapers, bluff it; if the cheeks are too wide-spread, flatten them; if the forehead be too retreating, stop its pace; if the face be obstinate, use the rod; if too lively, sprinkle it with sorrow; if too melancholy, wash it with good news and pleasures; if the ears hear too well, deafen them; if'too little, open them; if the eye see what it should not, shut it; if it be closed to what it should see, avaunt eyelids! Ah! poor wo-begone spirits of this age, had you seen the faces of your forefathers, you would have seen upright, honest faces-faces that heaven made to order--that never blushed that looked so like one another, as if they all were family pictures. A Dutch nose was a curiosity; just as witty as wanted-could make jokes to please Lavater, or take snuff to tickle the Dutch; a forehead large enough-sloping enough, and broad enough-forming a kind of bastion, behind which was cunningly lodged a sharp-shooting, over-loaded brain; an eye that worked its way into miracles or midriffs,--as a sunbeam digging into the earth and dragging out by the hair some slow-gaited, snail-paced vegetable--so did the Dutch eye pry into a stranger and bring out his character. But what is to be expected of such a generation as the present. Nothing but blunt noses, cross-eyes, sharp chins, chins, retreating foreheads, screwed up lips, and deaf ears-a miserable generation that no sensible man would consider worth thrashing; and so I lay by my lash. CHAPTER XXV. About Stock Jobbers-wherein Hans comments freely and unrestrainedly upon the galvanic method of fortane making. "Do not believe their vows-for they are brokers; And get up stocks.-Schnap. HANS before leaving the place could not fail to visit Wall street, the money department of the new world. What little of the silver the folks in old times had was snugly crammed into a stocking, and deposited bank-fashion under the bed cover, over which the good man and his vrow dreampt and slept. They then had golden dreams, and every morning on awaking from their slumbers found them realized they then had no fear of robbers-other notions had not yet edged in to pick their pockets. The claws of the lion had not yet been thrust into the sides of Dutch Dynasty; he had not deigned to roar in Nieu Amsterdam. Men go to Wall street to make and lose fortunesstocks were not known in the days of Hans-bubbles were found only in the water; now the cute, discerning, honest, upright gentleman lagos, find them everywhere. "Put money in thy purse" is the direction given to all who plead poverty. Great things are "done in corners." Poor devils are bled to death, while the rich devils get richer. The ups and downs of Wall street are so sudden and expensive that an animal, though he be a bear or bull to day, may be a wounded and slow waddling duck to-morrow, paroling for sympathy. With what an avidity the man who hastes to be rich hears the joyful intelligence that a fortune can be made in a day. So intently he listens that he forgets to look except on one side of the picture. The cunning artist landscapes to his view a fine meandering stream that empties itself into the golden sea; the current is rapid and he is anxious to cast his bread upon the waters of his self-charity. Suddenly however, the picture is reversed, and he sees the threadbare and rusty canvass. He dreams of lucre, never of ruin; he sees the rich orchard, though not the words of "Beware" and the "Dog;" he sees in perspective the object of his desire but does not look to see the gulph and rapids that separate him from his desires. There is no sympathy for one who steps out of the road that leads to a direct wealth, neither is there any mercy to be shewn those who in a recognized fraud take not only the loaf, but even the crumbs. Reader-Bulls and Bears are animals that still infest the waste places of our city, though they never, thank Heaven! did exist in the old Dutch woods. Bulls, you know, are an uproarious, incorrigible grumbling, growling animal, while your bear is far more savage and vexatious. Your bulls are for high tides, and full freights, while your Bears are for shallows and quicksands, that you may hear the bottom of your vessel scraping against the depths of the They grin to be sure, but it's a savage and ferocious grin, and shows both the upper and lower house of ivories, all filed down and sharpened for combat. sea. Bulls are liars by nature, bears by instinct. Bulls do occasionally tell truths, bears never. Bears have a most uncommon love for those who have what the animals desire, and imitating the nature of those |