By fitting on the ftage, you may (without trauelling for it) at the very next doore, afke whofe play it is: and by that queft of inquiry, the law warrants you to avoid much miftaking if you know not the author, you may raile against him; and peradventure fo behave yourfelte, that you may enforce the author to know you. By fitting on the ftage, if you be a knight, you may happily get you a miftreffe: if a meere Flect-fireet gentleman, a wife: but affure your felfe by continuall refidence, you are the firft and principall man in election to begin the number of We three. By fpreading your body on the stage, and by being a juftice in examining of plaies, you fhall put yourfelfe into fuch a true fcænical authority, that fome poet shall not dare to prefent his mufe rudely before your eyes, without having rft unmaskt her, rined her, and difcovered all her bare and moft myftical parts before you at a taverne, when you most knightly, shall for his paines, pay for both their fuppers, By fitting on the ftage, you may (with small coft) purchafe the deere acquaintance of the boyes: have a good foole for fixpence at any time know what particular part any of the infants prefent: get your match lighted, examine the play-fuits' lace, and perhaps win wagers upon laying 'tis copper, &c. And to conclude, whether you be a foole or a justice of peace, a cuckold or a capten, a lord maior's fonne or a dawcocke, a knave or an under fhriefe, of what stamp foever you be, currant or counterfet, the ftagelike time will bring you to moft perfect light, and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted from thence though the fear-crowes in the yard hoot you, hiffe at you, fpit at you, yea throw dirt even in your teeth: 'tis moft gentleman-like patience to endure all this, and to laugh at the filly animals. But if the rabble, with a full throat, crie, away with the foole, you were worse than a mad-man to tarry by it: for the gentleman and the foole fhould never fit on the stage together. Mary, let this obfervation go hand in hand with the reft: or rather, like a country-ferving man, fome five yards before them. Prefent not your felfe on the ftage (especially at a new play) untill the quaking prologue hath (by rubbing) got cullor into his cheekes, and is ready to give the trumpets, their cue that hees upon point to enter: for then it is time, as though you were one of the properties, or that you dropt of the hangings to creep from behind the arras, with your tripos [F 2] tripos or three legged ftoole in one hand, and a tefton mounted betweene a for-finger and a thumbe, in the other: for if you should bestow your perfon upon the valgar, when the belly of the house is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten up, the fashion loft, and the proportion of your body in more danger to be devoured, then if it were ferved up in the Counter amongst the Poultry; avoid that as you would the baftome. It fhall crowne you with rich commendation to laugh alowd in the middett of the moft ferious and faddeft fcene of the terribleft tragedy: and to let that clapper (your tongue) be toft so high that all the house may ring of it: your lords ufe it; your knights are apes to the lords, and do fo too your inne-a-court-man is zany to the knights, and (many very fcurvily) comes likewife limping after it: beer thou a beagle to them all, and never lin fnuffing till you have fented then: for by talking and laughing (like a ploughman in a morris) you heape Pelion upon Offa, glory upon glory as firft all the eyes in the galleries will leave walking after the players, and onely follow you: the fimpleft dolt in the house fnatches up your name, and when he meetes you in the fticeres, or that you fall into his hands in the middle of a watch, his word fhall be taken for you: heele cry, Hees fuch a gallant, and you paffe. Secondly you publish your temperance to the world, in that you feeme not to res fort thither to taste vaine pleasures with a hungrie appetite ;" but onely as a gentleman, to spend a foolish houre or two, i becaufe you can doc nothing elfe. Thirdly you mightily dif relish the audience, and difgrace the author: marry, you take up (though it be at the worst hand) a strong opinion of your owne judgement, and inforce the poet to take pity of your weakeneffe, and by fome dedicated fonnet to bring you into a better paradice, onely to ftop your mouth. If you can (either for love or money) provide your felfe a lodging by the water fide: for above the conveniencie it 1 brings to fhun fhoulder-clapping, and to fhip away your # cockatrice betimes in the morning, it addes a kind of state unto you, to be carried from thence to the ftaires of your play-houfe hate a fculler (remember that) worse then to be acquainted with one ath' fcullery. No, your oares are your onely fea-crabs, boord them, and take heed you never go twice together with one paire: often fhifting is a great credit to gentlemen: and that dividing of your fare wil make the poore waterinaks be ready to pul you in peeces to enjoy your custome. No matter whether upon landing you have 6A money 23 money or no; you may fwim in twentie of their boates over the river upon ticket: : mary, when filver comes in, remember to pay trebble their fare, and it will make your flounder-catchers to fend more thankes after you, when you doe not draw, then when you doe; for they know, it will be their owne another daie. Before the play begins, fall to cardes; you may win or loofe (as fencers doe in a prize) and beate one another by confederacie, yet fhare the money when you meete at fupper: notwithstanding, to gul the ragga-muffins that stand a loofe gaping at you, throw the cards (having first torne foure or five of them) round about the ftage, juft upon the third found, as though you had loft: it skils not if the foure knaves ly on their backs, and outface the audience, there's none fuch fooles as dare take exceptions at them, because ere the play go off, better knaves than they will fall into the company. Now, Sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either epigram'd you, or hath had a flirt at your miftris, or hath brought either your feather, or your red beard, or your little legs, &c. on the ftage, you shall difgrace him worse then by toffing him in a blanket, or givin him the bastinado in a taverne, if in the middle of his play, (bee it paftorall or comedy, morall or tragedie) you rife with a fkreud and difcontented face from your: ftoole to be gone: no matter whether the fcenes be good or no; the better they are, the worfe doe you diftaft them: and beeing on your feete, fneake not away like a coward, but falute all your gentle acquaintance that are fpred either on the rushes or on ftooles about you, and draw what troope you can from the stage after you the mimicks are beholden to you, for allowing them elbow roome: their poet cries perhaps, a pox go with you, but care not you for that; there's no mufick without frets. Mary, if either the company, or indifpofition of the weather binde you to fit it out, my counfell is then that you turn plaine ape: take up a rush and tickle the earnest eares of your fellow gallants, to make other fooles fall a laughing; mewe at the paffionate speeches, blare at merrie, finde fault with the muficke, whewe at the children's action, whistle at the fongs; and above all, curfe the sharers, that whereas the fame day you had beftowed forty fhillings on an embroidered felt and feather (Scotch-fashion) for your miftres in the court, or your punck in the cittie, within [F 3] two two houres after, you encounter with the very fame block on the stage, when the haberdasher swore to you the impreffion was extant but that morning. To conclude, hoord up the finest play-fcraps you can get, upon which your leane wit may most favourly feede, for want of other stuffe, when the Arcadian and Euphuis'd gentlewomen have their tongues fharpened to fet upon you: that qualitie (next to your fhittlecocke) is the only furniture to a courtier that's but a new beginner, and is but in his ABC of complement, The next places that are fil'd after the play-houses bee emptied, are (or ought to be) tavernes : into a taverne then let us next march, where the braines of one hogshead must be beaten out to make up another." I should have attempted on the prefent occafion to enumerate all other pamphlets, &c. from whence particulars relative to the conduct of our early theatres might be collected, but that Dr. Percy, in his first volume of Reliques of Ancient English Poetry, (third edit. p. 128, &c.) has extracted fuch paffages from them as tend to the illuftration of this fubject; to which he has added more accurate remarks than my experience in thefe matters would have enabled me to supply. The |