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Vel. Thou hast heard of a spake casting bis Ha! three raps upon the drum! the signal skin, and recovering his youth. Such is this Mr. Fantome and I agreed upon, when be had sage person.
a mind to speak with me. Bul. Nay, 'lis no wonder a conjuror should
[FANTOME raps again. be like a serpent.
Very well, I hear you ; come, fox, come out of Vel. When he has thrown aside the old con- your hole. juror's slough that bangs about him, he'll come out as fine a young gentleman as ever was Scene opins, and FANTOME comes out. sren in this house.
But. Does he intend to sup in his slough? You may leave your drum in the wardrobe, Vel. That time will show.
till you have occasion for it. But. Well, I have not a head for these Fan. Well, Mrs. Abigail, I want to bear things. Indeed, Mr. Vellum, I have not un- what's doing in the world. derstood one word you have said this half Ali. You are a very inquisitive spirit. Butl hour.
must tell you, if you do not take care of your. Vel. I did not intend thou shouldst-But to self, yo: will be laid this evening.. our businessLet there be a table spread
Fan. I have overheard something of that in the great hall. Let your pots and glasses matter. But let me alone for the doctor-l'I be washed, and in a readiness. Bid the cook engage to give a good account of bim. I provide a plentiful supper, and see that all am more in pain about Tinsel. When a lathe servants be in their best liveries,
dy's in the case, I'm more afraid of one fop But. Ay! now I understand every word you than twenty conjurors. say. But I would rather hear you talk a lit. Abi. To tell you truly, he presses his attacks tle in that t'other way.
with so much impudence, that he has made Vel. I shall explain to thee what I have more progress with my lady in two days, than said by and by-Bid Susan lay two pillows you did in two months. upon your lady's bed.
Fan. I shall attack her in another mapner, if But. Two pillows ! Madam wont sleep opon thou canst but procure me another interview. them both! She is not a double woman too? There's nothing makes a lover so keen, as
Vel. She will sleep upon neither. But being kept up in the dark. hark! Mrs. Abigail ; I think I hear her chid- Abi. Pray no more of your distant bows, ing the cook-maid.
your respectful compliments---Really, Mr. But. Then I'll away, or it will be my turn Fantome, you're only fit to make love across a next: She, I am sure, speaks plain English; tea-table. one, inay easily understand every word she Fan. My dear girl, I can't forbear hugging says.
[Exit Butler. thee for thy good advice. l'el. Servants are good for nothing, unless
Abi. Ay, now, I have some hopes of you ; but they have an opinion of the person's under why don't you do so to my lady ! standing who has the direction of them--But
Fun. Child,' I always thought your lady see! Mrs. Abigail; she has a bewitching coun- loved to be treated with respect. tenance ; I wish I may not be tempted to marry
Abi. Believe, Mr. Fantome, there is not so her in good earnest.
great a difference between woman and woman
as you imagine. You see Tinsel has nothing Enter ABIGAIL.
but his sauciness to recommend bim.
Fan. Tinsel is too great a coxcomb to be ca. Ali. Ha! Mr. Vellum.
pable of loveAnd let me tell thee, Abigail, a Vel. What brings my sweet one bither ? man who is sincere in his passion, makes but Abi. I am coming to speak to my friend be a very awkward profession of it-But I'll hind the wainscoat. It is fit, child, he should mend my manners. have an account of this conjuror, that he may Abi. Ay, or you'll never gain a widownot be surprised.
Come, I must tutor you a little ; suppose ne Vel. That would be as much as thy thou- to be my lady, and let me see how you'll be. sand pound is worth.
bave yourself. Abi. I'll speak low-walls have ears.
Fan. I'm afraid, child, we ha'n't time for (Pointing at the wainscoat. uch a piece of mummery:. Vel. But hark you, duckling! be sure you Abi. "Oh, it will be quickly over, if you play don't tell him that I am lot into the secret.
your part well. Abi. That's a good one indeed! as if I Fan. Wby then, dear Mrs. Ab--I mean, should ever tell what passes between you and my lady Truman.
'Abi. Ay! but you ba'n't saluted me. Vel. No, no, my child, that must not be! he, Fan. That's right; faith I forgot that cir. be, be! that must not be; he, he, he ! cumstance. (Kisses her.) Nectar and ambroAli. You will always be waggish.
sia! Vel. Adieu, and let me hear the result of Abi. That's very wellyour conference.
Fan. How long must I be condemned to Abi. How can you leave one so soon? Ilanguish! when shall my sufferings have an shall think it an age till I see you again. end! My life, my happiness, my all is wound Vel. Adieu, my pretty one.
up in youAli. Adieu, sweet Mr. Vellum.
Abi. Well! why don't you squeeze my Vel. My pretty one — (As he is going off hand ? Ali. Dear Mr. Vellam.
Fan. What, thus ? l'el. My pretty one.
(Exit VELLUM. Abi. Thus! Ay-Now throw your arm Ali. I have hiin-If I can but get this thou. about my middle : hug me closer—You are sand pound.
not afraid of hurting me! Now pour forth a (FANTOME gives thrie raps upon his drum volley of rapture and nonsense till you are out Lehind the wainscoil.
Fan. Transport and ecstasy! where am I! | with; I will make myself merry with him. my life, my bliss – I rage, i burn, 1 bleed, [Aside.) And so, Mr. l'insel, you promise you I die.
will be a very kind master to me. Abi. Go on, go on.
[Stifling a laugh. Fan. Flames and darts-Bear me to the Tin. What will you give for a life io ihe gloomy shade, rocks, and grottoes-flowers, house you live in ? zephyrs, and purling streams.
Vel. What do you think of five hundred Abi. Oh! Mr. Fantome, you have a tongue pounds ?
-Ha, ha, ba! mould undo a vestal! You were born for the Tin. That's too little. ruin of our sex.
Vel. And yet it is more than I shall give you fun. This will do then, Abigail ?
- And I will offer you two reasons for it. Abi. Ay, this is talking like a lover. Though Tin. Pr'ythee what are they? I only represent my lady, I take a pleasure in Vel. First, because the tenement is not in hearing you. Well, o' my conscience, when a your disposal ; and, secondly, because it never man of sense has a little dash of the coxcomb will be in your disposal ; and so fare you well, in him, po woman can resist him. Go on at good Mr. Tinsel. Ha, ha, ha! You will par. this rate, and the thousand pound is as good don me for being jocular.
[Exit. as in my pocket.
Tin. This rogue is as saucy as the conjuror : Fan. I shall think it an age, till I have an I'll be hanged if they are not akin. opportunity of putting this lesson in practice. Abi. You may do it soon, if you make good
Enter LADY. use of your time; Mr. Tinsel will be here with my lady at eight, and at nine the conjuror is to take you in hand.
Lady. Mr. Tinsel! what, all alone? You Fan. Let me alone with both of them.
free-thinkers are great admirers of solitude. Abi. Well! forewarned, forearmed. Get
Tin. No, faith, I have been talking with thy into your box, and I'll endeavour to dispose the very picture of one of our benchers. How
steward; a very grotesque figure of a fellow, every thing in your favour. [FANTOME goes in. Erit ABIGAIL.
can you bear his conversation ?
Lady. I keep him for my steward, and not
my companion. He's a sober man. Enter VELLUM.
Tin. Yes, yes, he looks like a put; a queer Vel. Mrs. Abigail is withdrawn— I was in turn him off, widow.
old dog, as ever I saw in my life: we must
He cbeats thee con. hopes to have heard what passed between her foundedly, I see that. and her invisible correspondent.
Lady. Indeed you're mistaken; he has
always had the reputation of being a very honEnter TiNsEL.
Tin. What! I suppose he goes to church. Tin. Vellum! Vellum!
Lady. Goes to church! so do you loo, I Vel. (Aside.) Vellum! we are, methinks, hope. very familiar; I am not used to be called so by Tin. I would for once, widow, to make sure any but their ho-nours—What would you, of you. Mr. Tinsel ?
Lady Ah, Mr. Tinsel, a husband who would Tin. Let me beg a favour of thee, old gentle- not continue to go thither, would quickly formao.
get the promises be made there. Vel. What is that, good Sir ?
Tin. Faith, very innocent, and very ridicuTin, Pr'ythee run and fetch me the rent-roll lous! Well then, I warrant thee, widow, thou of thy lady's estate.
wouldst not for the world marry a sabbathVel. The rent-roll?
breaker! T'in. The rent-roll! ay, the rent-roll! Dost Lady. Truly they generally come to a bad not understand what that means ?
end. I remember the conjuror told you, you Vel. Wby, have you thoughts of purchas- were short-lived. ing it!
Tin. The conjuror! Ha, ha, ha! Tin. Thou hast hit it, old boy; this is my Lady. Indeed your're very witty ! very intention.
Tin. Indeed you're very handsome, Vel. The purchase will be considerable.
[Kisses her hand. Tin. And for that reason I have bid thy lady Lady. I wish the fool does not love me. very high-She is to have no less for it than
[Aside. this entire person of mine.
Tin. Thou art the idol I adore: here must I Vel. Is your whole estate personal, Mr. Tin pay my devotion--Prythee, widow, hast thou sel ?-he, he, he !
any timber npon thy estate. Tin. Why, you queer old dog, you don't pre- Lady. The most impudent fellow I ever met tend to jest, d’ye? Look ye, Vellum, if you with.
(A side. think of being continued my steward, you must Tin. I take notice thou hast a great deal of learn to walk with your toes oul.
old plate here in the house, widow. Vel. Aside.) An insolent companion ! Lady. Mr. Tinsel, you are a very observing
Tin. Thou'rt confounded rich, I see, by that dangling of thy arms.
Tin. Thy large silver cistern would make a Vel. (Aside.) An upgracious bird !
very good coach; and half a dozen salvers Tin. Thou shalt lend me a couple of thou- that I saw on the side-board might be turued sand pounds.
into six as pretty horses as any that appear in Vel. (Aside.) A very profligate!
the ring. Tin. Look ye, Vellum, I intend to be kind to Lady. You have a very good fancy, Mr. Tin. you I'll borrow some money of you. sel.--->What pretty transformations you could
Vel. I cannot but smile to consider the dis- make in my house-But I'll see where 'twill appointment this young fellow will meet end.
Tin. Then I observe, child, you have two or Lady. Yes, Mr. Tinsel, the only man I ever three services of gilt plate; we'd eat always loved in my life had a great deal of the ope, in china, my dear.
and nothing of the other in him. Lady. I perceive you are an excellent mana- Tin. Nay, now you grow vapourish; thou'lt ger- -How quickly you have taken an in- begin to fancy thou hear'st the drum by and ventory of my goods!
by. Tin. Now, hark ye, widow, to show you the Lady. If you had been here last night about love that I have for you
this time, you would not have been so merry. Lady. Very well ; let me hear.
Tin. About this time, say'st thou! Come, Tin. You have an old-fashioned gold candle faith, for humour's sake, we'll sit down and cup, with a figure of a saint upon the lid on't listen. Lady. I have; what then?
Lady. I will, if you'll promise to be serious. Tin. Why look ye, I'd sell the caudle-cup Tin. Serious! never fear me, child; ha, ha, with the old saint for as much money as they'd ha! dost not hear him? fetch, wbich I would convert into a diamond Lady. You break your word already, Pray, buckle, and make you a present of it.
Mr, Tinsel, do you laugh to show your wit or Lady. Oh! you are generous to an extrava- your teeth ? gance. But, pray, Mr. Tinsel, don't dispose Tin. Why both, my dear-I'm glad, how. of my goods before you are sure of my person. ever, that she has taken notice of my teeth. I find you have taken a great affection to my (Aside.] But you look serious, child ; I fancy moveables,
thou hear'st the drum, dost not? Tin. My dear, I love every thing that be- Lady. Don't talk so rashly. longs to you.
Tin. Why, my dear, you could not look more Lady. I see you do, Sir; you need not make frighted if you had 'Lucifer's drum-major in any protestations upon that subject.
your house. Tin. Pho, pbo, my dear, we are growing Lady. Mr. Tinsel, I must desire to see you serious, and, let me tell you, that's the very no more in it, if you do not leave this idle way next step to being dull. Come, that pretty face of talking. was never made to look grave with.
Tin. Child, I thought I had told you what is Lady. Believe me, Sir, whatever you think, my opinion of spirits, as we were drinking a marriage is a serious subject.
dish of tea but just now-There is no such Tin. For that very reason, my dear, let us thing, I give thee my word. run over it as fast as we can.
Lady. Oh, Mr. Tinsel, your authority inust Lady. I should be very much in haste for a be of great weight to those that know you. husband, if I married within fourteen months Tin. For my part, child, I have made myself after Sir George's decease.
easy in those points. Tin. Pray, my dear, let me ask you a ques. Lady. Sure nothing was ever like this fel. tion : dost not thou think that Sir George is as low's vanity, but his ignorance. [ Aside. dead at present, to all intents and purposes, Tin. I'll tell thee now, widow-I would as he will be a twelvemonth hence ?
engage, by the help of a white sheet and a Lady. Yes; but decency! Mr. Tinsel- penny-worth of link, in a dark night, to
Tin. Or dost thou think thou'lt be more a frighten you a whole country village out of widow then, than thou art now?
their senses, and the vicar into the bargain. Lady. The world would say I never loved (Drum beats.] Hark, hark! what noise is my first husband.
That ? Heaven defend us ! this is more than Tin. Ah, my dear, they would say you loved fancy: your second; and they would own I'deserved Ludy. It beats more terrible than ever. it, for I shall love thee most inordinately. Tin. 'Tis very dreadful! what a dog hare I
Lady. But what would people think? been! to speak against my conscience, only to
Tin. Think! why they would think thee the show my parts ! mirror of widowhood-That a woman should Lady. It comes nearer and nearer. I wish live fourteen whole months after the decease you have not angered it by your foolish disof her spouse, without having engaged herself. course. Why, about town, we know many a woman of Tin. Indeed, Madam, I did not speak from quality's second husband, several years before my heart: hope it will do me no hurt for a the death of the first.
little harmless raillery. Lady. Ay, I know you wits have your com- Lady. Harmless, d'ye call it? It beats hard mon-place jests upon us poor widows. by us, as if it would break through the
Tin. I'll tell you a story, widow: I know a wall. certain lady, who, considering the craziness of Tin. What a devil had I to do with a white her husband, had, in case of mortality, en- sheet ! gaged herself to two young fellows of my acquaintance. They grew such desperate rivals for her, while her husband was alive, that one
Scene opens and discovers FANTOME. of them pinked the other in a duel. But the good lady was no sooner a widow, but what Mercy on us! it appears. did my dowager do? why, faith, being a wo. Lady. Oh, 'tis he! 'tis he himself! 'tis Sir man of honour, she married a third, to whom, George ! 'tis my husband ! [She faints. it seems, she had given her first promise. Tin. Now world I give ten thousand pounds
Lady. And this is a true story upon your own that I were in town. [FANTOME advances to his knowledge ?
drumming.) I beg ten thousand pardons : I'll Tin. Every tittle, as I hope to be married, or never talk at this rate any more. (FANTONE never believe Tom Tinsel.
still advances drumming.] 'By my soul, Sir Lady. Pray, Mr. Tinsel, do you call this George, I was not in earnest. [Falls on his talking like a wit, or like a rake?
knees. ] Have compassion on my youth, and Tin. Innocent enough. He, he, he! Why, consider I am but a coxcomb—[FANTOME points where's the difference, my dear ?
to the door.] But see, he waves me off, -Ay,
with all my heart-What a devil had I to do Sir G. There's nothing I see makes such with a white sheet ?
strong alliances as fear. These fellows are [He steals off the stage, mending his pace as all entered into a confederacy against the the drum beals.
ghost. There must be abundance of business Fan. The scoundrel is gone, and has left his done in the family at this rate. But here mistress behind him; I'm mistaken if he comes the triple-alliance. Who could have makes love in this house any more. I have thought these three rogoes could have found now only the conjuror to deal with. I don't each of them an employment in fetching a pen question but I shall make his reverence scam- and ink? per as fast as the lover; and then the day's my own. But the servants are coming, I must get Enter GARDENER with a sheet of paper, COACH into my cupboard.
(He goes in.
MAN with a standish, and Butler with a
pen. Enter APIGAIL and Servants.
Gard. Sir, there is your paper. Abi. Oh, my poor lady! this wicked drum Coach. Sir, there is your standish. has frighted Mr. Tinsel out of his wits, and But. Sir, there is your crow-quill penmy lady into a swoon. Let me bend her a I'm glad I have got rid on't. [Aside. little forward. She revives. Here, carry her Gard. [Aside.) He forgets that he's to make into the fresh air, and she'll recover. (They a circle- -Doctor, shall I help you to a bit of carry her off:] This is a little barbarous io my chalk ? lady; but 'tis all for her good : and I know Sir G. It is no matter. her so well, that she would not be angry with But. Look ye, Sir, I showed you the spot me, if she knew what I was to get by it. And, wbere he's heard oftenest, if your worship if any of her friends should blame me it can but ferret him out of that old wall in the hereafter,
Sir G. We shall try. I'll clap my hand upon my purse, and tell Gard. That's right, John. His worship must
'em, 'Twas for a thousand pounds, and Mr. Vel- let fly all his learning at that old wall.
But. Sir, if I was worthy to advise you, I lum.
[Exit. would have a bottle of good October by me.
Shall I set a cup of stingo at your elbow ? ACT V.
Sir G. I thank thee we shall do without
it. SCENE I.
Gard. John, he seems a very good-natured man for a conjuror.
But. I'll take this opportunity of inquiring Enter Sir George in his Conjuror's habit, the after a bit of plate I have lost. I fancy, whilst
Butler marching before him with two large he is in my lady's pay, one may hedge in a candles, and the two Servants coming after question or two into the bargain. Sir, Sir, may him, one bringing a little table, and another a I beg a word in your ear? chair.
Sir G. What wouldst thou ?
But. Sir, I know I need not tell you, that I But. An't please your worship, Mr. Conjur- lost one of my silver spoons last week. or, the steward has given us all orders to do Sir G. Marked with a swan's peckwhatsoever you shall bid us, and to pay you But. My lady's crest! He knows' every thing. the same respect as if you were our master. (Aside.] flow would your worship advise me Sir G. Tbou say'st well.
to recover it again? Gard. An't please your conjurorship’s wor. Sir G. Hum! ship, shall I set the table down here?
But. What must I do to come at it ? Sir G. Here, Peter.
Sir G. Drink nothing but small-beer for a Gard. Peter !-He knows my name by his fortnightlearning.
[Aside. Bui. Small beer! rot-gut! Coach. I have brought you, reverend Sir, the Sir G. If thou drinkest a single drop of ale largest elbow-chair in the house ; 'tis that the before fifteen days are expired-It is as niuch steward sits in when he holds a court.
-as thy spoon-is worth. Sir G. Place it there.
But. I shall never recover it that way; I'll But. Sir, will you please to want any thing e'en buy a new one.
Coach. D'ye mind how they whisper? Sir G. Paper, and a pen and ink.
Gard. I'll be hanged if he be not asking him But. Sir, I believe we have paper that is fit something about Nell.for your purpose ! my lady's mourning paper, Coach. I'll take this opportunity of putting that is blacked at the edges- Would you a question to him about poor Dobbing; I choose to write with a crow-quill?
fancy he could give me better counsel than the Sir G. There is none better.
farrier. But. Coachman, go fetch the paper and But. (To GARD.) A prodigious man! he standish out of the little parlour.
knows every thing: Now is the time to find Coach., (TO GARD) Peter, pr’ythee do out thy pick-axe. thou go along with me I'm afraid
Gard. I have nothing to give him ; Does You know I went with you last night into the he not expect to have his hand crossed with garden, when the cook-maid wanted a handful silver? of parsley.
Coach. [To Sir G.] Sir, may a man venBut. Why, you don't think I'll stay with the ture to ask you a question ? conjuror by myself!
Sir G. Ask it. Gard. Come, we'll all three go and fetch the Coach. I have a poor horse in the stablo pen and ink together. [Ea eunt SERVANTS. that's bewitched
Sir G. A bay gelding:
thing he has occesion for? If so-you may deCoach. How could he know that? [Aside. part.
[Exeunt SERVANTS. Sir G. Bought at Banbury.
Sir G. I can as yet see no hurt in my wife's Coach. Whew-so it was of my conscience. behaviour: but still have some certain pangs
[Whistles. and doubts, that are natural to the heart of a Sir G. Six years old, last Lammas.
fond man. I must take the advantage of my Coach. To a day. [Aside.] Now, Sir, I wonld disguise to be thoroughly satisfied. It would know whether the poor beast is bewitched by neither be for her happiness nor mine, to make Gondy Crouch or Goody Fly.
myself known to her till I am so. (Aside.-. Sir G. Neither.
Dear Vellum, I am impatient to hear some Coach. Then it must be by Goody Gurton; news of my wise ; how does she after her for she is the next oldest woman in the par- fright? ish.
Vel. It is a saying somewhere in my Lord Gurd. Hast thou done, Robin ?
Coke, that a widoCoach. (To GARD.] He can tell thee any Sir G. I ask of my wife, and thou talkest lo thing.
me of my Lord Coke-pr'ythee tell me how Gard. [To Sir G.) Sir, I would beg to take sbe does, for I am in pain for her. you a little further out of hearing
Vel. She is pretty well recovered. Mrs. AbiSir G. Speak.
gail has put her in good heart; and I bare Gard. The Butler and I, Mr. Doctor, were given her great hopes from your skill. both of us in love, at the same time, with a Sir G. That I think cannot fail, since thou certain person.
hast got this secret out of Abigail !' But I could Sir G. A woman,
pot have thought my friend Fantome would Gard. How could he know that ? (Aside. have served me thusSir G. Go on.
Vel. You will fancy you are a living manGard. This woman bas lately had two chil. Sir G. That he should endeavour to ensnare dren at a birth. Sir G. Twins.
Vel. You have no right in her after your deGard. Prodigious! where could he bear mise-Death extinguishes all property-Quoad that?
[Aside. banc-It is a maxim in the law. Sir G. Proceed.
Sir G. A pox on your learning! Well, but Gard. Now, because I used to meet her what is become of Tinsel ? sometimes in the garden, she has laid them Vel. He rushed out of the house, called for both
bis horse, clapped spurs to his sides, and was Sir G. To thee.
out of sight in less time than 1-can-iellGard. What a power of learning he must ten. hare! he knows every thing.
Sir G. This is whimsical enough! My wife Sir G. Hast thou done ?
will have a quick succession of lovers in one Gard. I would desire to know whether I day- Faniome has driven out Tiosel, and I am really father to them both.
shall drive out Fantome. Sir G. Stand before me, let me survey thee Vel. Even as one wedge driveth out abo. round.
ther-he, he, he! You must pardon me for (Lays his wand upon his head, and makes him being jocular. turn about.
Sir G. Was there ever such a provoking Coach. Look yonder, John, the silly dog is blockhead ? but he means me well-Well, turping about under the conjuror's wand. I must have satisfaction of this traitor Fantome: he has been saucy to him, we shall see him and cannot take a more proper one, than by puffed off in a whirlwind immediately.
turning him out of my house in a manner that Sir G. Twins, dost thou say?
shall throw shamc upon him, and make him
Still turning him. ridiculous as long as he lives You must Gard. Ay, are they both mine, d'ye think? remember, Vellum, you have abundance of Sir G. Own but one of them.
business upon your bands, and I have but just Gard. Ay, but Mrs Abigail will have time to tell it you over; all I require of you is nie take care of them both-she's always for despatch, therefore hear me, the butler--if my poor master, Sir George, Vel. There is nothing more requisite in busi had been alive, he would have made him go bess than despatchhalves with me.
Sir G. Then hear me. Sir G. What, was Sir George a kind mas- Vel. It is indeed the life of businesster?
Sir G. Hear me then, I say. Gard. Was he? Ay, my fellow-servants Vel. And as one hath rightly observed, the will bear me witness.
benefit that attends it is fourfold. FirstSir G. Did ye love Sir George?
Şir G. There is no bearing this ! Thou ar But. Every body loved him
going to describe despatch, when thou shouldst Coach. There was not a dry eye in the par- be practising it. jsh at the news of his death
Del. But your ho-nour will not give me a Gard. He was the best neighbour
hearingBut. The kindest husband
Sir G. Thou wilt not give me the hearing. Coach. The truest friend to the poor--
(Angrily. But. My good lady took on mightily; we all Vel. I am still. thought it would have been the death of her Sir G. In the first place, you are to lay my
Sir G. I protest these fellows melt me! I wig, hat, and sword, ready for me in the closet, think the time long till I am their master again, and one of my scarlet coais. You know how that I may be kind to them.
(Aside. Abigail has described the ghost to you.
Vel. It shall be done.
Sir G. Then you must remember, whilst I
am laying this ghost, you are to prepare my Vel. Have you provided the doctor every wife for the reception of her real husband;