QUARTETTO. Master, are you mad? No; but I'm distracted. Times are wery bad, Pop. And I in grief abstracted. Mags. Odds! he'll take his life! Mr. C. (kissing the billet.) Sweet note! thou'rt balm and manna! Mags to Pop. (who is reading it over Mr. C.'s shoulder.) Is it from his wife? Pop. (slaps his thigh.) No! from Miss Juliana!" Clipclose, when he reads it, rushes out; Mags after him. Poppleton attempts to follow, but is detained by pot-boy. He forks out tanner and disappears. SOLO-Apollonicon. Hurried music descriptive o three cabs Clipclose in 793, at a rapid pace; Mags, 1659; Poppleto 1847, pursuing. Scene closes. SCENE II. Thompson and Fearon's, Holborn; gin-palace at full work; compar less select than numerous, and ladies and gentlemen taking “ some’ut shor at the counter. Enter, in full uniform, Captain Connor; O'Toole a Blowhard in shell jackets. They call for a flash of lightning, touch glas affectionately, and bolt the ruin. The captain stumps down for all. GLEE-Connor, O'Toole, and Blowhard. Capt. Gin cures love, my boys, and gin cures the colic ; O'T. Gin fits a man for fight, or fits him for a frolic; Blow. Come, we'll have another go, then hey for any rollic! Trio. Come, we'll have another go, and hey then for a rollic! Blow.-Lass! (to an attendant, whom he chucks under the some more jacky! Connor, do you still Bend at the shrine of her on Ludgate-hill? O'T. (contemptuously).—Zounds! a cit's helpmate. never do. One of us Guards, and one of taste like you. That Capt.-Faith, honest Blowhard, and you, my pal, O'Toole, Tho' fond of flirting, yet your friend 's no fool! Think that I could live upon my pay, ye And keep four wives on three and six a day? No. Let me have a monied mistress still, My El Dorado be a tradesman's till. Love fed by flimsies, is the love that thrives, And let the mercers keep the Guardsman's wives. O'T.-I see how matters stand, my trump; enough. Blow. (to O'T)-He's wide awake, Tim. (To the Capt.) Con. you 're up to snuff! Capt.-Come, one more round of jacky, and we part, I, to the peerless lady of my heart In Stamford-street;-to Knightsbridge barrack you; And mind don't split that I was out at Kew. (They take each another johnny, shake hands, and separate. The scene closes.) SCENE III. A drawing-room; doors in the flat; one opening into Miss Juliana Smashaway's boudoir, and the other to her bed-chamber. She is discovered standing at the window in a pensive attitude. She sighs heavily, and rubs her temples with "eau de Cologne." Miss S.-He comes not-half-past four! Ah, fickle Connor ! Was it for this, I waived a grocer's hand, Shy'd Lincoln Stanhope, and cut Manners Sutton? 1st voice. Fare's sixteen-pence, and with one bob I'm shamm'd! Fork out the four-pence! 2nd voice. First I'd see you d—d ! (Door opens. Clipclose rushes in, and embraces Miss Smashaway.) Miss S. (with considerable spirit.)-Unhand me, fellow! Whence this bold intrusion? I think I'll faint, I feel in such confusion. DUET-Clipclose and Miss S.—(" Pray Goody.”), Oh, come, Juliana, lay aside your anger and surprise; I saw a ready pardon seal'd already in your eyes, Miss S. True, sir; but you, sir, Should recollect what's due, sir, To one so young and innocent Mr. C. As pretty Missus Ju—. Oh, come, Miss S. do lay aside your anger and surprise; A trifling kiss you 'll scarcely miss, you know. I saw a ready pardon seal'd already in your eyes, (Cab stops suddenly at the door. Miss S. looks out alarmed. Loud knocking. Alarum.) Miss S.-Lost-lost for ever! Pray, madam, what's the matter? Miss S.-Heard ye no broadsword on the pavement clatter? Mr. C.-A broadsword! Zounds! My teeth begin to chatter! Miss S.-Where shall I hide him?—(Opens the chamber door.)—In, sir, or you're dead. Mr. C.-Can nothing save me? Creep beneath the bed. Mags. She's quite alone. Oh, happy Matthew Mags! (Maid-servant enters.) Maid.-A chap 's below who says he's Samuel Snags. (Enter Snags.) Snags.-Divine Miss Smashaway, I humbly kneel To plead a passion you can never feel; A smile will save, a frown as surely kill, One who for you has robb'd his master's till. Miss S.-Well, after that the man deserves some pity.Knocking again! and here comes my maid Kitty. (Enter Maid.) Was ever one so courted? Maid.-One Mr. Poppleton. Miss S. Snags.-All's up with me; for life I'll be transported! Ma'am, could you save a lover? Miss S. Let me see. Oh, yes; the bed will surely cover three. (Puts Snags into bed-chamber. Enter Poppleton.) Pop.-Where is my charmer? Maid (to Pop.) (Enter Maid, hastily.) Sir, you're dead as mutton; Put him with t' other three; The Captain's come. Your life's not worth a button. Pop. Where shall I hide ? Miss S. (to the Maid.) They're the same firm, " Clipclose and company." (A heavy footstep is heard, and a sword strikes against the stairs. Enter the Captain, whistling "Darby Kelly.") Miss S. (flies into his arms.)—My own loved Guardsman, and my fancy beau. Oh, Terence Connor ! Capt. (embracing her.)-Sweet Juliana, O! Miss S.-Why did you dally, dearest; tell me all? Were you on guard? (Kissing him.) Capt. Yes, sweetest, at Whitehall. Miss S.-Ah, you false man,-(taps his cheek playfully,)—I'll watch you close. Capt. What's that? (Somebody sneezes within.) (Somebody coughs twice.) Miss S.-Nothing, dear Terence, but the landlord's cat. Capt.-A cough!-another! Do cats cough so, my fair? Ha! her cheeks redden ! Tell me who is there? That guilty look! Zounds! If my fears be true, He'll curse the hour he dared to visit you! (Draws his sword, and rushes into the bed-chamber. Miss S. faints. Voices within.) Capt.-A man!-my eyes! another!-and another! A fourth one still! Snags. Pop. I'm dead with fright! I smother! (Capt. drives them before him into the drawing-room.) Capt. (in a frenzy.)-Why, hell and Tommy! the maid whom I adore To prove untrue, and play me false with four! But all shall die! (Captain Connor cuts No. 6. with his sword, while Clipclose and Mags. Indeed, sir, we an't ready. Mr. C.-Probably, sir, affection for my wife Might plead my pardon, and reprieve my life. (Enter, hastily, Mrs. Clipclose and Annette.) Mrs. C.-Why, what's all this? What do my eyes discover? (Aside to Mr. C.)-Was it for this I gave my faith to you? (Capt. C. drops the point of his sword, and evinces great contrition Pieman.-That 'ere flash madam hit me in the withers. All-hot (pointing to Mr. Clipclose).—And that cove knock'd my kitchen-range to shivers! Mr. C. (to Policeman.)-Let me explain, sir. Miss S. Pray, sir, let me speak. Policeman.-Silence! and keep your gammon for the beak. (A rumbling noise heard underneath, attended by a disagreeable vapour.) Policeman.-Zounds! what is this? it smothers me almost. Is it the gas-pipe? Capt. C. No, dash my wig! a ghost! consent, this play has been declared not inferior to the happiest effort of the bard of Avon, as player-people call William Shakspeare. I have not seen it represented; for, the free list being suspended, prudence would not permit me to attend. Had half-price been taken, I think I should have gone to the two-shilling gallery; but this question is irrelevant. "The author deserves well of his country. Indeed, his is a double claim; and the debt consequently due by the public would amount to a large tottle. No doubt the restoration of the drama is a matter of some importance; but surely the diminution of drumsticks is one of infinitely greater consideration ! I perceive by the playbills,-one of which I was enabled to obtain gratis, that a gentleman called Tambourette performs upon two drums with a single stick. Now, I call the public attention to this important discovery; and, in these times of retrenchment and reform, the introduction of this system into our military establishment should be at once insisted on. The saving would be immense. Assuming that there are one hundred and three battalions of foot, and, on an average, twelve drums to each regiment,—a shameful waste of public money, by-the-bye, one drum and fife being quite sufficient for each corps, as they only alarm an enemy in war-time, and, in peace, destroy the utility of servant-maids by seducing them eternally to the windows. Well, even permitting this extravagant number to remain; by adopting Mr. Tambourette's system of performance, one thousand two hundred and thirty-six drumsticks would be saved to the country. Now, averaging the cost of the smallersized drumstick at sixpence, and the larger at one shilling, a reduction in the army estimates might be effected of one thousand one hundred and thirty-three small and one hundred and three large ones; making a tottle to the credit of the nation of 337. 9s. 6d.!!! "If the author will furnish me with the necessary information to enable me to frame a bill, I will move for a return of the drummers attached at present to the army: specifying their respective names, weights, heights, and ages, and take the earliest opportunity of bringing the matter before parliament. "July 1, 1837. "J. H. "P. S. If one thousand two hundred and thirty-six drumsticks be dispensed with, it follows that a similar number of drummers' hands will then remain unoccupied. Might not a one-handed fife be introduced, or a pandean pipe substituted, and fifers totally abolished? I see no reason why the same man should not play the drum and fife together. This, indeed, would be a reduction worthy a reformed parliament, and a tremendous saving to the public purse. "J. H." |