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Old Mir. A bull! Why, how now, ungrateful and which proceed from simple enumeration, are sir ! did I make thee a man, that thou shouldst dubitable, and proceed only upon admittancemake me a beast?
Mir. Hoyty toyty! what a plague have we Mir. Your pardon, sir. I only meant your here? Plato in petticoats. expression.
Dur. Ay, ay, let her go on, man; she talks in Old Mir. Hark'e, Bob, learn better manners my own mother-tongue. to your father before strangers ; I wont be angry Bis. 'Tis exposed
to invalidity from a contrathis time. But Oons, if ever you do't again, you dictory instance; looks only upon coinmon operarascal-remember what I say.
tions; and is infinite in its termination. Mir. Psbaw! what does the old fellow mean Mir. Rare pedantry! by mewing me up here with a couple of green Dur. Axioms ! Axioms! Self-evident princigirls ? Come, Duretete, will you go?
ples. Ori. I hope, Mr Mirabell, you han't forgot.- Bis. Then, the ideas wherewith the mind is
Mir. No, no, madam, I han't forgot, I have pre-occupate - gentlemen, I hope you'll parbrought you a thousand Italian curiosities ; I'll don my cogitation ; I was involved in a profound assure you, madam, as far as a hundred pistoles point of philosophy; but I shall discuss it somewould reach, I han't forgot the least circum- where else, being satisfied that the subject is not stance.
agreeable to your sparks, that profess the vanity Ori. Sir, you misunderstand me.
of the times.
[Erit. Mir. Odso, the relics, madam, from Rome. I Mir. Go thy way, good wife Bias: do you do remember, now, you made a vow of chastity be- hear, Duretete? Dost hear this starched piece of fore my departure; a vow of chastity, or some- austerity? thing like it—was it not, madam?
Dur. She's mine, man; she's mine : My own Ori. O, sir, I'm answered at present.
talent to a T. I'll match her in dialects, faith.
[Exit Oriana. I was seven years at the university, man, nursed Mir, She was coming full mouth upon me up with Barbara, Celarunt, Darii, Ferio, Barawith her contract_Would I might dispatch to lipton. Did you ever know, man, that 'twas mether !
taphysics made ine an ass? It was, faith. Had Dur. Mirabell—that lady there, observe her, she talked a word of singing, dancing, plays, fashe's wondrous pretty, faith, and seems to have shions, or the like, I had foundered at the first but few words : I like her mainly; speak to her, step; but as she is-Mirabell
, wish me joy. man; prithee speak to her.
Mir. You don't mean marriage, I hope. Mir. Madain, here's a gentleman, who de- Dur. No, no, I am a man of more honour. clares
Mir. Bravely resolved, captain. Now, for thy Dur. Madam, don't believe him, I declare no-credit, warm me this frozen snow-ball ! 'twill be a thing-What the devil do you mean, man? conquest above the Alps.
Mir. He says, madam, that you are as beau- Dur. But will you promise to be always near tiful as an angel. Dur. He tells a damned lie, madam; I
Mir. Upon all occasions, never fear. such thing: Are you mad, Mirabell? Why, I Dur. Why, then, you shall see me in two moshall drop down with shame.
ments make an induction from my love to her Mir. And so, madam, not doubting but your hand, from her hand to her mouth, from her ladyship may like him as well as he does you, I mouth to her heart, and so conclude in her bed, think it proper to leave you together.
[Erit. [Going, DURETETE holds him. Mir. Now the game begins, and my fool is Dur. Hold, hold-Why, Mirabell, friend, entered. But here comes one to spoil my sport; sure you wont be so barbarous as to leave me now shall I be teazed to death with this old fashalone. Prithee, speak to her for yourself, as ioned contract. I should love her, too, if I it were. Lord, lord, that a Frenchman should might do it my own way; but she'll do nothing want impudence !
without witnesses forsooth. I wonder women Mir. "You look mighty demure, madam-can be so immodest. She's deaf, captain. Dur. I had much rather have her dumb.
Enter ORIANA. Mir. The gravity of your air, madam, promi- Well, madam, why d'ye follow me? ses some extraordinary fruits from your study,
Ori. Well, sir, why do you shun me? which moves us with curiosity to inquire the Mir. 'Tis my humour, madam, and I'm natusubject of your ladyship's contemplation. Not a rally swayed by inclination. word!
Ori. Have you forgot our contract, sir? Dur. I hope in the lord she's speechless! if Mir. All I remember of that contract is, that she be, she's mine this moment. Mirabell
, d'ye it was made soine three years ago, and that's think a woman's silence can be natural ?
enough in conscience to forget the rest on't. Bis. But the forms, that logicians introduce, Ori. 'Tis sufficient, sir, to recollect the passing
of it; for in that circumstance, I presume, lies but so many baits and devices to delude men out the force of the obligation.
of their dear liberty and freedom? What d'ye Mir. Obligations, madam, that are forced up sigh for? What d'ye weep for? What d'ye pray on the will, are no tie upon the conscience. I for? Why, for a husband : That is, you implore was a slave to my passion, when I passed the in- Providence to assist you in the just and pious strument; but the recovery of my freedom makes design of making the wisest of his creatures a the contract void.
fool, and the head of the creation a slave. Ori. Sir, you can't make that a compulsion, Ori. Sir, I am proud of my power, and am rewhich was your own choice; besides, sir, a sub- solved to use it. jection to your own desires has not the virtue of Mir. Hold, hold, madam, not so fast-As you a forcible constraint: And you will find, sir, that, have variety of vanities to make coxcombs of us; to plead your passion for the killing a man, will so, we have vows, oaths, and protestations, of all hardly exempt you from the justice of the pu- sorts and sizes, to make fools of you. As you are nishment
very strange and whimsical creatures, so we are Mir. And so, madam, you make the sin of allowed as unaccountable ways of managing you. murder and the crime of a contract the very And this, in short, my dear creature, is our presame, because hanging and matrimony are so sent condition. I have sworn and lied briskly to much alike?
gain my ends of you : your ladyship has patched Ori. Come, Mr Mirabell, these expressions I and painted violently, to gain your ends of meexpected from the raillery of your humour; but I But, since we are both disappointed, let us make hope for very different sentiments from your ho- a drawn battle, and part clear on both sides. nour and generosity.
Ori. With all my heart, sir; give me up my Mir. Look'e, madam; as for my generosity, 'tis contract, and I'll never see your face again. at your service, with all my heart: I'll keep you a Mir. Indeed I won't, child. coach and six horses, if you please, only permit Ori. What, sir, neither do one nor t'other? me to keep iny honour to myself; for I can as- Mir. No, you shall die a maid, unless you sure you, madam, that the thing called honour is please to be otherwise upon my terms. a circumstance absolutely unnecessary in a na- Ori. What do you intend by this, sir? tural correspondence between niale and female, Mir. Why, to starve you into compliance and he's a mad-man, that lays it out, considering look'e, you shall never marry any man; and you its scarcity, upon any such trivial occasions. had as good let me do you a kindness as a There's honour required of us by our friends, stranger. and honour due to our eneniies, and they return Ori. Sir, you're ait to us again; but I never heard of a man that Mir. What am I, mistress? left but an inch of his honour in a woman's Ori. A villain, sir ! keeping, that could ever get the least account Mir. I'm glad on't I never knew an honest on't - Consider, madam, you have no such fellow in my life, but was a villain upon these thing among ye, and 'tis a main point of policy occasions- -Han't you drawn yourself into a to keep no faith with reprobates—thou art a very pretty dilemma? Ha, ha, ha! the poor lady pretty little reprobate, and so get thee about thy has made a vow of virginity, when she thought of business.
making a vow for the contrary. Was ever poor Ori. Well, sir, even all this I will allow to the woman so cheated into chastity? gaiety of your temper; your travels have im. Ori. Sir, my fortune is equal to yours, my proved your talent of talking; but they are not friends as powerful, and both shall be put to the of force, I hope, to impair your morals. test, to do me justice.
Mir. Morals! Why, there 'tis again now-I Mir. What? you'll force me to marry you, tell thee, child, there is not the least occasion for will ye? morals in any business between you and I- Ori. Sir, the law shall. Don't you know, that of all commerce in the Mir. But the law can't force me to do any world, there is no such cozenage and deceit as thing else, can it? in the traffic between man and woman? we Ori. Pshaw! I despise thee-monster. study all our lives long how to put tricks upon Mir. Kiss and be friends, then-Don't cry, one another-What is your business, now, from child, and you shall have your sugar-plumb the time you throw away your artificial babies, Come, madam, d'ye think I could be so unreabut how to get natural ones with the most ad- sonable as to make you fast all your life long? vantage ! No fowler lays abroad more nets for No, I did but jest, you shall have your liberhis gaine, nor a hunter for his prey, than you do ty; here, take your contract, and give me to catch poor innocent men-Why do you sit mine. three or four hours at your toilet in a morning? Ori. No, I won't. only with a villainous design to make some poor Mir. Eh! What, is the girl a fool ? fellow a fool before night. What are your lan- Ori. No, sir, you shall find me cunning guishing looks, your studied air and affectations, enough to do myself justice; and since I must
not depend upon your love, I'll be revenged, and Pet. Then place yourself behind this screen, force you to marry me out of spite.
that you may have a view of her behaviour beMir. Then I'll beat thee out of spite; and fore you begin. make a most confounded husband.
Dur. I long to engage her, lest I should forOri. O sir, I shall match ye: A good husband get my lesson. makes a good wife at any tinie.
Pei. Here she comes, sir; I must fly. Mir. I'd rattle down your china about your [Exit Petit, and DURETETE stands peep
ing behind the curtain.] Ori. And I'll rattle about the city to run you in debt for more.
Enter BISARRE and Maid. Mir. Your face-mending toilet shall fly out of Bis. (with a book.] Pshaw, hang books! they the window.
sour our temper, spoil our eyes, and ruin our Ori. And your face-mending periwig shall fly complexions.
the book. after it.
Dur. Eh! The devil such a word there is in Mir. I'll tear the furbelow off your clothes; all Aristotle. and when you swoon for vexation, you shan't Bis. Come, wench; let's be free, call in the have a penny to buy a bottle of hartshorn. fiddle, there's nobody near us.
Ori. And you, sir, shall have hartshorn in abundance.
Enter Fiddler. Mir. I'll keep as many mistresses as I have
Dur. Would to the Lord there was not! coach-horses.
Bis. Here, friend, a minuet! quicker timc; Ori. And I'll keep as many gallants as you ha! would we had a man or two!
Dur. (Stealing away.) You shall have the Mir. I'll lie with your woman before your devil sooner, my dear dancing philosopher. face.
Bis. Uds my life !-Here's one. Ori. Have a care of your valet behind your
[Runs to Dun. and hales him back. back.
Dur. Is all my learned preparation come to Mir. But, sweet madam, there is such a thing this? as a divorce
Bis. Come, sir, don't be ashamed, that's my Ori. But, sweet sir, there is such a thing as good boy- you're very welcome, we wanted such alimony; so divorce
[Exit. a one- -Come, strike up—-I know you dance Mir. Ay, that separate maintenance is the well, sir, you're finely shaped for't- -Come, devil-there's their refuge-o' my conscience, come, sir; quick, quick, you miss the time else. one would take cuckoldom for a meritorious ac- Dur. But, madam, I come to talk with you. tion, because the women are so handsomely re- Bis. Ay, ay, talk as you dance; talk as you warded fort!
[Erit. dance; come.
Dur. But we were talking of Dialectics. SCENE II.-A large parlour in the same house. Bis. Ilang Dialectics- Mind the time
quicker, sirrah, (To the Fiddler.] Come and Enter DURETETE and Petit.
how d'ye find yourself now, sir? Dur. And she's mighty peevish, you say? Dur. In a fine breathing sweat, doctor.
Pet. O sir, she has a tongue as long as my leg, Bis. All the better, patient, all the better ;and talks so crabbedly, you would think she al Come, sir; sing now, sing, I know you sing well; ways spoke Welsh.
I see you have a singing face; a hcavy, dull, Dur. That's an odd language, methinks, for sonata face. her philosophy.
Dur. Who, I sing? Pet. But sometimes she will sit you half a day Bis. O you're modest, sir-but come, sit down, without speaking a word, and talk oracles all the closer, closer. Here, a bottle of wine-Come, while, by the wrinkles of her forehead, and the sir, fa, la, lay ; sing, sir. motions of her eye-brows.
Dur. But, madain, I came to talk with you. Dur. Nay, I shall match her in philosophical Bis. O) sir, you shall drink first. Come, fill ogles, faith; that's my talent: I can talk best, me a buniper-here, sir, bless the king. you must know, when I say nothing.
Dur. Would I were out of his dominions !Pet. But d'ye ever laugh, sir?
By this light, she'll make me drunk, too. Dur. Laugh! Wou't she endure laughing? Bis. O pardon me, sir, you shall do me right;
Pet. Why, she's a eritic, sir; she hates a jest, fill it higher.-Now, sir, can you drink a health for fear it should please her; and nothing keeps under her in humour but what gives her the spleen- Dur. Rare philosophy that, faith! And then for logic, and all that, you know
Bis. Come, off with it to the bottom. Now, Dur. Ay, ay, I'm prepared; I have been prac- how d’ye like me, sir? tising hard words, and no sense, this hour to en- Dur. O, mighty well, madam, tertain ber.
Bis. You see how a woman's fancy varies ;
sometimes splenetic and heavy, then gay and mistook you, upon my word : You are one of frolicsome. And how d'ye like the humour? the travelling gentlemen--and pray, sir, how do
Dur. Good madam, let me sit down to answer all our impudent friends in Italy ? you, for I am heartily tired.
Dur. Madam, I came to wait on you with a Bis. Fy upon't! a young man, and tired! up, more serious intention than your entertainment for shame, and walk about, action becomes us- has answered. a little faster, sir-What d'ye think now of my Bis. Sir, your intention of waiting on me was lady La Pal, and lady Coquet, the duke's fair the greatest affront imaginable, howe'er your exdaughter? Ha! Are they not brisk lasses ? Then, pressions may turn it to a compliment: Your there is black Mrs Bellair, and brown Mrs visit, sir, was intended as a prologue to a very Bellface.
scurvy play, of which Mr Mirabell and you so Dur. They are all strangers to me, madam. handsomely laid the plot.—Marry! No, no, I'm
Bis. But let me tell you, sir, that brown is a man of more honour. Where's your honour? not always despicable—0 lard, sir, if young Mrs Where's your courage now? Ads my life, sir, I Bagatell had kept herself single 'till this time o' have a great mind to kick you.-Go, go to your day, what a beauty there had been ! And then, fellow-rake now; rail at my sex, and get drunk for you know, the charming Mrs Monkeylove, the vexation, and write a lampoon-But I must have fair gem of St Germains.
you to know, sir, that my reputation is above the Dur. Upon my soul, I don't.
scandal of a libel; my virtue is sufficiently apBis. And then you must have heard of the proved to those, whose opinion is my interest : English beau, Spleenamore, how unlike a gentle- And, for the rest, let them talk what they will;
for when I please I'll be what I please, in spite Dur. Hey—not a syllable on't, as I hope to of you and all mankind; and so, my dear man of be saved, madam.
honour, if you be tired, con over this lesson, and Bis. No! Why, then, play me a jig. Come, sit there till I come to you. [Runs off. sir.
Dur. Tum ti dum. '[Sings] Ha, ha, ha! Ads Dur. By this light I cannot; faith, madam, I my life, I have a great mind to kick you ! have sprained my ley;
Oons and confusion! [Starts up] Was ever man Bis. Then sit you down, sir; and now tell me so abused ?--Ay, Mirabell set me on. what's your business with me? What's your errand ? Quick, quick, dispatch-Odso, may be
Enter Petit. you are some gentleman's servant, that has brought me a letter, or a haunch of venison. Pet. Well, sir, how d'ye find yourself?
Dur. 'Sdeath, madam, do I look like a car- Dur. You son of a nine-ey'd whore, d'ye'come tier?
to abuse me? I'll kick you with a vengeance, you Bis. O, cry you mercy ! I saw you just now; Il dog ! (Petit runs off, and Dur. after him.
Bob, dear Bob, prithee come hither now- -Dost
want any money, child ? Enter Old and Young MIRABELL.
Mir. No, sir.
Old Mir. Why, then, here's some for thee; Old Mir. Bob, come hither, Bob.
come here, now-How can'st thou be so hardMir. Your pleasure, sir?
hearted, an unnatural, unmannerly rascal (don't Old Mir. Are not you a great rogue, sirrah? mistake me, child, I an't angry) as to abuse this
Mir. That's a little out of my comprehension, tender, lovely, good-natured dear rogue ?sir; for I've heard say, that I resemble my Why, she sighs for thee, and cries for thee, pouts father.
for thee, and snubs for thee; the poor little heart Old Mir. Your father is your very humble of it is like to burst-Come, my dear boy, be slave- I tell thee what, child, thou art a very good-natured like your own father, be now-and pretty fellow, and I love thee heartily; and a then, see here, read this the effigies of the lovely very great villain, and I hate thee mortally. Oriana, with ten thousand pound to her portion
Mir. Villain, sir! Then, I must be a very -ten thousand pound, you dog; ten thousand impudent one, for I can't recollect any passage pound, you rogue; how dare you refuse a lady of my life, that I'm ashamed of.
with ten thousand pound, you impudent rascal? oid Mír. Come hither, my dear friend; dost Mir. Will you hear me speak, sir? see this picture? [Shews him a little picture. Old Mir. Hear you speak, sir! If you had Mir. Oriana's! Pshaw!
ten thousand tongues, you could not out-talk ten Old Mir. What, sir, won't you look upon't?- thousand pound, sir.
Mfir. Nay, sir, if you won't hear me, I'll be Old Mir. 'Tis false, sir, he don't deserve it: gone, sir! i'll take post for Italy this moment. what have you to say against my boy, sir?
Old Mir. Ah! the fellow knows I won't part Dug. I shall only repeat your own words. with him. Well, sir, what have you to say? Old Mir. What have you to do with my words?
Mir. The universal reception, sir, that mar- I have swallowed my words already ; I have riage has had in the world, is enough to fix it for eaten them up, and how can you come at them, a public good, and to draw every body into the sir? common cause; but there are some constitutions, Dug: Very easily, sir: 'Tis but mentioning like some instruments, so peculiarly singular, that your injured ward, and you will throw them up they make tolerable music by themselves, but ayain immediately. never do well in a concert.
Old Mir. Sir, your sister was a foolish young Old Mir. Why, this is reason, I must confess, Airt to trust any such young, deceitful, rakebut yet it is nonsense, too; for, though you helly rogue, like him, should reason like an angel, if you argue your- Dug. Cry you mercy, old gentleman! I thought self out of a good estate, you talk like a fool. we should have the words again.
Mir. But, sir, if you bribe me into bondage Old Alir. And what then? 'Tis the way with with the riches of Cræsus, you leave me but a young fellows to slight old gentlemen's words; beggar for want of my liberty.
you never mind them, when you ought.
I Old Mir. Was ever such a perverse fool heard? | say, that Bob's an honest fellow, and who dares 'Sdeath, sir, why did I give you education? was deny it? it to dispute me out of my senses? Of what coJour now is the head of this cane? You'll say 'tis
Enter BISARRE. white, and ten to one make me believe it, tvo- Bis. That dare I, sir :- I say, that your son is a I thought that young fellows studied to get money. wild, foppish, whimsical, impertinent coxcomb;
Mir. No, sir, I have studied to despise it; and, were I abused as this gentleman's sister is, my reading was not to make me rich, but happy, I would make it an Italian quarrel, and poison sir.
the whole family. Old Mir. There he has me again, now! But, Dug. Come, sir, 'tis no time for trifling; my sir, did not I marry to oblige you?
sister is abused; you are made sensible of the Mir. To oblige me, sir! in what respect, affront, and your honour is concerned to see her pray?
redressed. Old Mir. Why, to bring you into the world, Old Mir. Look'e, Mr Dugard, good words go sir; was not that an obligation?
farthest. I will do your sister justice, but it must Mir. And, because I would have it still an ob- be after my own rate; nobody must abuse iny ligation, I avoid marriage.
son but myself. For, although Robin be a sad Old Dir. How is that, sir?
dog, yet he's nobody's puppy but my own. Mir. Because I would not curse the hour I Bis. Ay, that's my sweet-natured, kind, old was born.
gentleman-[Il'heedling him.) We will be good, Old Mir. Look'e, friend, you may persuade then, if you'll join with us in the plot. me out of my designs, but I'll command you out oid ilir. Åh, you coaxing young baggage, of yours; and though you may convince my rea- what plot can you have to wheedle a fellow of son that you are in the right, yet there is an sixty-three? old attendant of sixty-three, called positiveness, Bis. A plot that sixty-three is only good for; which you, nor all the wits in Italy, shall ever be to bring other people together, sir; a Spanish able to shake : so, sir, you're a wit, and I'm a fa- plot, less dangerous than that of eighty-eight, and ther; you may talk, but I'll be obeyed.
you must act the Spaniard 'cause your son will Mir. This it is to have the son a finer gentle- least suspect you ; and, if he should, your authoman than the father ! they first give us breeding rity protects you from a quarrel, to which Oriana that they don't understand, then they turn us out is unwilling to expose her brother. of doors because we are wiser than themselves. Old Mir. And what part will you act in the But I'm a little aforehand with the old gentleman. business, madam? (Aside.) Sir, you have been pleased to settle a Bis. Myself, sir; my friend is grown a perthousand pound sterling a-year upon me; in re- fect changeling : these foolish hearts of ours spoil turn of which, I have a very great honour for you our heads presently; the fellows no sooner turn and your family, and shall take care, that your knaves, but we turn fools : But I am still myonly, and beloved son, shall do nothing to make self, and he may expect the most severe usage him hate his father, or to hang himself. So, dear from me, 'cause I neither love him, nor hate him. sir, I'm your very humble servant. [Runs
[Ecit Bis. Old Mir.' Well said, Mrs Paradox! but, sir,
who must open the matter to himn? Enter DUGARD.
Dug. Petit, sir, who is our engineer-general. Dug. Ah, sir, 'tis but what he deserves. And here he comes. Vol. II.