Abi. Oh, I vow, you press it so hard! pray, give me my finger again.

Vel. This middle finger, Mrs Abigail, has a pretty neighbour-a wedding ring would become it mightily-He, he, he!

Abi. You're so full of your jokes. Ay; but where must I find one for it?

Vel. I design this thimble only as the forerunner of it; they will set off each other, and are— indeed, a twofold emblem. The first will put you in mind of being a good housewife, and the other, of being a good wife. Ha, ha, ha!

Abi, Yes, yes; I see you laugh at me.
Vel. Indeed, I am serious.

Abi. I thought you had quite forsaken me-I am sure you cannot forget the many repeated vows and promises you formerly made me.

Vel. I should as soon forget the multiplication table.

Abi. I have always taken your part before my lady.

Vel. You have so; and I have itemed it in my memory.

Abi. For I have always looked upon your interest as my own.

Vel. It is nothing but your cruelty can hinder them from being so.

Abi. I must strike while the iron's hot. [Aside.] -Well, Mr Vellum, there is no refusing you; you have such a bewitching tongue!

Vel. How? speak that again!

Abi. Why, then, in plain English, I love you. Vel. I am overjoyed!

Abi. I must own my passion for you.

SCENE I.

Enter VELLUM and Butler.

Vel. I'm transported!

[Catching her in his arms.

Abi. Dear, charming man! Vel. Thou sum total of all my happiness! I shall grow extravagant! I can't forbear!—to drink thy virtuous inclinations in a bumper of sack. Your lady must make haste, my duck, or we shall provide a young steward to the estate, before she has an heir to it.-Pr'ythee, my dear, does she intend to marry Mr Tinsel?

Abi. Marry him, my love! No, no; we must take care of that! there would be no staying in the house for us, if she did. That young rakehell would send all the old servants a-grazing. You and I should be discarded before the honeymoon was at an end.

Vel. Pr'ythee, sweet one, does not this drum put the thoughts of marriage out of her head?

Abi. This drum, my dear, if it be well managed, will be no less than a thousand pounds in

our way.

Vel. Ay, say'st thou so, my turtle?

Abi. Since we are now as good as man and wife-I mean, almost as good as man and wife -I ought to conceal nothing from you. Vel. Certainly, my dove; not from thy yokefellow, thy help-mate, thy own flesh and blood!

Abi. Hush! I hear Mr Tinsel's laugh; my la dy and he are coming this way; if you will take a turn without, I'll tell you the whole contri

vance.

Vel. Give me your hand, chicken,

Abi. Here, take it; you have my heart already. Vel. We shall have much issue. [Exeunt.

Vel. John, I have certain orders to give you— and therefore be attentive.

But. Attentive! Ay, let me alone for thatI suppose he means, being sober. [Aside. Vel. You know I have always recommended to you a method in your business; I would have your knives and forks, your spoons and napkins, your plate and glasses, laid in a method.

But. Ay, master Vellum! you are such a sweet-spoken man, it does one's heart good to receive your orders.

Vel. Method, John, makes business easy; it banishes all perplexity and confusion out of families.

But. How he talks! I could hear him all day. Vel. And now, Johu, let me know whether your table-linen, your side-board, your cellar, and every thing else within your province, are properly and methodically disposed for an entertainment this evening?

But. Master Vellum, they shall be ready at a

Vel. It is, John, for the conjurer; and yet it is not for the conjurer.

But. Why, look you, master Vellum, if it is for the conjurer, the cook-maid should have_orders to get him some dishes to his palate. Perhaps he may like a little brimstone in his sauce.

Vel. This conjurer, John, is a complicated creature, an amphibious animal, a person of a twofold nature-But he eats and drinks like other men.

But. Marry, master Vellum, he should eat and drink as much as two other men, by the account you give of him.

Vel. Thy conceit is not amiss; he is indeed a double man; ha, ha, ha!

But. Ha! I understand you; he's one of your hermaphrodites, as they call them.

Vel. He is married, and he is not marriedHe hath a beard, and he hath no beard. He is old, and he is young.

But. How charmingly he talks! I faucy, master Vellum, you could make a riddle. The same

man old and young! How do you make that out, master Vellum?

Vel. Thou hast heard of a snake casting his skin, and recovering his youth? Such is this sage person.

But. Nay, 'tis no wonder a conjurer should be like a serpent.

Vel. When he has thrown aside the old conjurer's slough, that hangs about him, he'll come out as fine a young gentleman as ever was seen in this house.

But. Does he intend to sup in his slough?
Vel. That, time will shew.

But. Well, I have not a head for these things. Indeed, Mr Vellum, I have not understood one word you have said this half hour.

Vel. I did not intend thou shouldst—But to our business- -Let there be a table spread in the great hall. Let your pots and glasses be washed, and in a readiness. Bid the cook provide a plentiful supper; and see that all the servants are in their best liveries.

But. Ay, now I understand every word you say. But I would rather hear you talk a little in that t'other way.

Vel. I shall explain to thee what I have said, by and by-Bid Susan lay two pillows upon your lady's bed.

But. Two pillows! Madam won't sleep upon them both! She is not a double woman, too?

Opens, and FANTOME comes out. Abi. You may leave your drum in the wardrobe, till you have occasion for it.

Fan. Well, Mrs Abigail, I want to hear what's doing in the world.

Abi. You are a very inquisitive spirit. But I must tell you, if you do not take care of yourself, you will be laid this evening.

maid.

But. Then I'll away, or it will be my turn next: she, I am sure, speaks plain English; one may easily understand every word she says.

[Exit Butler. Vel. Servants are good for nothing, unless they have an opinion of the person's understanding who has the direction of them.-But see, Mrs Abigail! she has a bewitching countenance; I wish I may not be tempted to marry her in good

rers.

Abi. To tell you truly, he presses his attacks with so much impudence, that he has made more progress with my lady in two days, than you did in two months.

Fan. I shall attack her in another manner, if thou canst but procure me another interview. There's nothing makes a lover so keen, as being kept in the dark.

Abi. Pray, no more of your distant bows, your respectful compliments- -Really, Mr Fantome, you're only fit to make love across a teatable.

Fan. My dear girl, I can't forbear hugging thee for thy good advice.

Abi. Ay, now I have some hopes of you; but, why don't you do so to my lady?

Fan. Child, I always thought your lady loved to be treated with respect.

Abi. Believe me, Mr Fantome, there is not so great a difference between woman and woman, as you imagine. You see Tinsel has nothing but his sauciness to recommend him.

Fan. Tinsel is too great a coxcomb to be capable of love-And let me tell thee, Abigail, a man, who is sincere in his passion, makes but a very awkward profession of it-But I'll mend my manners.

Abi. Ay, or you'll never gain a widow Come, I must tutor you a little; suppose me to be my lady; and let me see how you'll behave yourself?

Fan. I'm afraid, child, we han't time for such a piece of mummery.

Abi. Oh, it will be quickly over, if you play your part well.

Fan. Why then, dear Mrs Ab-I mean, my lady Trueman.

Abi. Ay; but you han't saluted me.

Fan. That's right; faith, I forgot that circumstance. [Kisses her.] Nectar and ambrosia ! Abi. That's very well

Fan. How long must I be condemned to languish? when shall my sufferings have an end? My life, my happiness, my all, is wound up in

you

hand?

Abi. Well! why don't you squeeze my Fan. What! thus? Abi. Thus! Ay-now throw your arm about middle: : hug me closer.-You are not afraid of hurting me! Now, pour forth a volley of rapture and nonsense, till you are out of breath.

my

Fan. Transport and ecstacy! where am I?— my life, my bliss!-I rage, I burn, I bleed, I die! Abi. Go on, go on.

Fan. Flames and darts!- -Bear me to the gloomy shade, rocks and grottos!-Flowers, zephyrs, and purling streams!

Abi. Oh, Mr Fantome, you have a tongue would undo a vestal! You were born for the ruin of our sex.

Fan. This will do, then, Abigail?

Abi. Ay; this is talking like a lover: though I only represent my lady, I take pleasure in hearing you. Well, o' my conscience, when a man of sense has a little dash of the coxcomb in him, no woman can resist him. Go on at this rate, and the thousand pounds is as good as in my pocket. Fan. I shall think it an age, till I have an opportunity of putting this lesson in practice.

Abi. You may do it soon, if you make good use of your time. Mr Tinsel will be here with my lady at eight, and at nine the conjurer is to take you in hand.

Fan. Let me alone with both of them. Abi. Well! forewarned, fore-armed. Get into your box, and I'll endeavour to dispose every thing in your favour.

[FANTOME goes in. Exit ABIGAIL.

Enter VELLUM.

Vel. Mrs Abigail is withdrawn-I was in hopes to have heard what passed between her and her invisible correspondent.

Enter TINSEL.

Tin. Vellum! Vellum!

Vel. [Aside.] Vellum! We are, methinks, very familiar! I am not used to be called so by any

it?

Vel. Why, have you thoughts of purchasing of

Tin. Thou hast hit it, old boy; that is my very intention.

Vel. The purchase will be considerable. Tin. And for that reason I have bid thy lady very high-She is to have no less for it than this entire person of mine.

Vel. Is your whole estate personal, Mr Tinsel? -he, he, he!

Tin. Why, you queer old dog, you don't pretend to jest, d'ye? Look ye, Vellum, if you think of being continued my steward, you must learn to walk with your toes out..

Vel. [Aside.] An insolent companion! Tin. Thou'rt confounded rich, I see, by that dangling of thy arms.

Vel. [Aside.] An ungracious bird!

Tin. Thou shalt lend me a couple of thousand pounds.

Vel. [Aside.] A very profligate!

Tin. Look ye, Vellum, I intend to be kind to you-I'll borrow some money of you.

Vel. I cannot but smile to consider the disappointment this young fellow will meet with; I will make myself merry with him. [Aside.]—And so, Mr Tinsel, you promise you will be a very kind master to me? [Stifling a laugh.

Tin. What will you give for a life in the house you live in?

Vel. What do you think of five hundred pounds? -Ha, ha, ha!

Tin. That's too little.

Vel. And yet it is more than I shall give you
And I will offer you two reasons for it.
Tin. Prithee, what are they?

Vel. First, because the tenement is not in your disposal; and, secondly, because it never will be in your disposal: and so fare thee well, good Mr Tinsel- -Ha, ha, ha! You will pardon me for being jocular. [Exit VELLUM. Tin. This rogue is as saucy as the conjurer: I'll be hanged if they are not a-kin!

Enter LADY TRUEMAN.

Lady True. Mr Tinsel! what, all alone? You free-thinkers are great admirers of solitude.

Tin. No, faith; I have been talking with thy steward; a very grotesque figure of a fellow; the very picture of one of our benchers. How can you bear his conversation?

Lady True. I keep him for my steward, and not my companion. He's a sober man.

Tin. Yes, yes; he looks like a put, a queer old dog, as ever I saw in my life: we must turn him off, widow. He cheats thee confoundedly, I see that.

Lady True. Indeed you're mistaken; he has always had the reputation of being a very honest

man.

Tin. What! I suppose he goes to church? Lady True. Goes to church! so do you, too, I hope.

Tim. I would, for once, widow, to make sure of you.

Lady True. Ah, Mr Tinsel! a husband, who would not continue to go thither, would quickly forget the promise he made there.

Tin. Faith, very innocent, and very ridiculous! Well, then, I warrant thee, widow, thou wouldst not, for the world, marry a sabbath-breaker!

Lady True. Truly, they generally come to a bad end. I remember the conjurer told you, you were short-lived.

Tin. The conjurer! Ha, ha, ha!

Lady True. Indeed, you're very witty!

Tin. Thou art the idol I adore: here must I pay my devotion-Prithee, widow, hast thou any timber upon thy estate?

Lady True. The most impudent fellow I ever met with! [Aside. Tin. I take notice thou hast a great deal of old plate here in the house, widow.

Lady True. Mr Tinsel, you are a very observing man.

Tin. Thy large silver cistern would make a very good coach: and half a dozen salvers, that I saw on the sideboard, might be turned into six as pretty horses as any that appear in the ring.

Lady True. You have a very good fancy, Mr Tinsel! What pretty transformations you could make in my house!But I'll see where 'twill end. [Aside. Tin. Then, I observe, child, you have two or three services of gilt plate; we'd eat always in china, my dear.

Lady True. I perceive you are an excellent manager-How quickly you have taken an inventory of my goods!

Tin. Now, hark ye, widow; to shew you the love that I have for you-

Lady True. Very well; let me hear.

Lady True. I see you do, sir; you need not make any protestations upon that subject.

Tin. Pho, pho, my dear, we are growing serious; and, let me tell you, that's the very next step to being dull.

Lady True. Believe me, sir, whatever you think, marriage is a serious subject.

Tin. For that very reason, my dear, let us run over it as fast as we can. I'll tell you a story, widow: I know a certain lady, who, considering the craziness of her husband, had, in case of mortali ty, engaged herself to two young fellows of my acquaintance. They grew such desperate rivals for her, while her husband was alive, that one of them pinked the other in a duel. But the good lady was no sooner a widow, but what did my dowager do? Why, faith, being a woman of honour, she married a third, to whom, it seems, she had given her first promise.

Lady True. And this is a true story, upon your own knowledge?

Tin. Every tittle, as I hope to be married, or never believe Tom Tinsel.

Lady True. Pray, Mr Tinsel, do you call this talking like a wit, or like a rake?

Tin. Nay, now you grow vapourish; thou'lt begin to fancy thou hearest the drum, by and by.

Lady True. If you had been here last night, about this time, you would not have been so merry.

Tin. About this time, say'st thou! Come, faith, for humour's sake, we'll sit down and lis

tem

Lady True. I will, if you'll promise to be se

rious.

Tin. Serious! never fear me, child; ha, ha, ha! Dost not hear him?

Lady True. You break your word already. Tin. I'll tell thee what, now, widow-I would engage, by the help of a white sheet, and a pennyworth of link, in a dark night, to frighten you a whole country village out of their senses, and the vicar into the bargain.-[Drumbeats.]— Hark! Hark! What noise is that? Heaven defend us! This is more than fancy.

Lady True. It beats more terrible than

Tin. 'Tis very dreadful! What a dog have I been, to speak against my conscience, only to shew ny parts!

Lady True. Oh, you are generous to an extravagance! But, pray, Mr Tinsel, don't dispose of my goods before you are sure of my person. I

course.

Tin. Indeed, madam, I did not speak from my heart. I hope it will do me no hurt, for a little harmless raillery.