FIRST IMPRESSIONS. "THERE is nothing in Italy more beautiful to me than the coast-road between Genoa and Spezia." Remember these words of DICKENS, in his Pictures from Italy, as I start from Pisa to see that lovely coast, and the Mediterranean, for the first time. 66 Pisa is sleepy, but the railway officials are wide awake. The man who sells me my ticket forgets one lira. This answers capitally with innocent old ladies from England or Germany. The old lady counts her change, and if she has carefully ascertained the fare by reading the price marked on her ticket, she finds at once that there is a halfpenny wanting. She never learns that this is the Government tax. "If you please," she begins; or, "Bitte," and then she goes off into-not hysterics, but French, and murmurs, Seevooplay, je pongse vous devays avoir donnay moi un sou-er-er-more, vous comprenny 66 or, 66 Il y a encore-er-er fünfzig, vous savay, à moi à payer.' Then the official answers, also in French, "Ah nong, Madame, ceci est la taxe doo gouvernemang sul biglietto, capisce?" Whereupon the old lady is so agitated by the thought that she has wrongfully accused him of stealing a soldo, that she never notices that he has withheld a lira. If she counts her money later in the day, she will blame those nasty lira notes, which stick together so, that she must have given two somewhere instead of one. But the railway clerk is also prepared for any more exacting stranger, and holds the extra note ready for him. The clerk at Pisa does so, handing it to me, without a word of objection or explanation, as soon as I ask for it. The system is as perfect as it is simple. Having obtained my change, I start for the Mediterranean. A FIRST IMPRESSIONIST. THE TRUISMS OF LIFE. (By the Right Hon. the Author of "The Platitudes of Life," M.P., F.R.S., D.C.L., LL.D.) 66 66 A PRECISIAN. CHAPTER I.-De Omnibus Rebus. "ARS longa, vita brevis;" and indeed "man wants but little here below, nor wants that little long." An oriental writer has told us that "all flesh is grass," to which a Scots poet has replied, that A man's a man for a' that." There is a Greek aphorism, not sufficiently well known, which says yve σεαυτόν. This has been ably rendered by PoPE in the words Know thyself." "4 Proverbially "piety begins at home," but it is wrong to deduce from this that education ends when we leave school; "it goes on through life."5 Books are an educational force. They "have often been compared to friends," whom we "never cut." They are better than all the tarts and toys in the world." It is not generally known that "English nobly." 17 And it is well to have "the literature is the inheritance of the English courage of" other people's "opinions.' race,' "9 on whose Empire, by the way, the But reading is not all. You must sun never sets." We even have "books in your head." 18 And you must, and can, the running brooks," as the Bard of Avon 10 keep it too. For a good man's head is not tells us; so that not only "he that runs," like a seed-cake that passes in the using. but he that swims, "may read." And, again, remember the proverb that "man"Knowledge for the million," is the ners makyth man"; though this is not the "fin de siècle" 12 cry of the hour. But "life true cause of the over-population of our is real, life is earnest," 13 and we have no islands. In social life much will depend on time to study original thinkers such as CON- the way in which you behave to others. FUCIUS and TUPPER. "Altiora Peto" 14 is a "Never lose your temper, and if you do, at saying for the leisured class only. The mass any rate hold your tongue, and try not to show must get its wisdom second-hand and concen- it "19-except, one may add, to a doctor. 1 "Principia Latina." Goldsmith. 3 Burns. "Estrated. If "reading maketh a full man,' 99 15 Many people cannot say "No!" Others say on Man." 5 Lubbock. Lubbock. 7" Punch." this kind of reading maketh a man to burst. early learn to say "No!" when asked to do Macaulay. Lubbock. 10 Shakspeare. 11 Calverley. Hence the "sad in sweet" 16 of the book of disagreeable things. "Mens sana in corpore is Bacon. 13 Oscar Wilde. 13 Longfellow. 14 Lawrence Oliphant. 16 Browning. 17 Emerson. 18 Lubbock. quoted platitudes. Yet, of course, "there sano. If the last word is pronounced Say 19 Lubbock. 20 Lubbock. 31 Park Benjamin. Churchare great ways of borrowing. Genius borrows No, this constitutes a word-play. There are il Shakspeare. Professor Erasmus Scoles (of Epipsychidion Villa, St. John's Wood). "CAN YOU TELL ME, 66 use some bad word-plays in SHAKSPEARE. I disapprove of humour, new or old. "No man who knows what his income is, and what he is spending, will run into extravagance." 20 PLUTARCH tells us of a man whose income was £500, and he spent £5000 a year knowingly. This must have been an exceptional case. There is an obscure dictum that money is the root of all evil." "Gold! gold!"" said an ill-known poet, and, on the other hand, "Hail, independence!"" said another. If thou art rich, thou 'rt poor" is on the face of it an untruth. 66 " 23 OF VAIN COLOURS. WHEN the century, growing a produced no impression. A day or two after I met Miss PHILL Appears shortly after, the follow- she could secure her vote. Will it be believed that she wouldn't? BURTT, and asked her to go and canvass the old woman; I felt sure ing Sunday, [tresses of gold; She said it would be really undue influence if she did. How strange With rosy complexion, and When a nursemaid has one of the that even the nicest of women are so strangely unpractical at times! Another woman she refused to see because she never called upon her worst scarlet-fevers, [blues; at ordinary times. Still, with all her faults, Miss BURTT is a tower Or merely, it may be, a fit of the of strength, and as I see her daily going about, canvass book in When you're offered "Old Masters" as black as coal-heavers, hand, my hopes rise higher and higher. Or shirts of quite "fast unwashoutable hues; When a blue ribbon's equally known as denoting [ToryTeetotal fanatics, a Rad, or a In these and like cases num'rous for quoting Remember old VIRGIL, crede colori." THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. VI.-PREPARING FOR THE POLL. too OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. SIR PHILIP SIDNEY was, as all the world knows, "a veray parfit gentil knight." Possibility of this presupposition of knowledge is fortunate, since Miss ANNA M. STODDART's account of this heroic figure is not, my Baronite sorrowfully says, likely to convey any Ne adequate idea of its personality. Mr. Fox BOURNE and Mr. ADDINGTON SYMONDS have written biographies of the Elizabethan soldier, in which he boldly stands forth. Miss STODDART modestly says her object is "in no way to compete with " these standard works. But why write at all? The marvel is, as Dr. JOHNSON did not exactly say in illustration of an argument respecting another feminine achievement, not that the work should not have been well done, but that it possibly could be done with such wooden effect. If Miss STODDART had taken a sheet of paper and with her pair of scissors cut out the figure of a man, writing across it "This is PHILIP SIDNEY," she WHEN I do a thing, I like to do it properly, for even my worst enemies, who call me a fool, admit that I'm a thorough fool. I have accordingly lost no time in getting to work at my electoral campaign. I commenced at a great disadvantage. The other seven candidates were electioneering for a week before the Parish Meeting, and the result was that they all "Vote for Winkins-a good Allround Man." polled three times as many votes The first move I made was to sued these tactics with great would have conveyed quite as clear and moving a picture of the man success, so I plastered the whole as is found in the 111 pages of her book. But then Mr. BLACKWOOD of the walls with WINKINS Would not have published the scrap of paper, and we should not have FOR MUDFORD "-" VOTE FOR had the charming portrait of SIDNEY, or the sketches of Penshurst by WINKINS,❞—but thereby hangs MARGARET L. HUGGINS which adorn the daintily got-up volume. 'a tale. I gave my instructions to the local printer, and told him where they were to be posted, directing him to do it in the twilight, so that the whole effect might dawn once and for ever upon an astonished village in the morning. He did it, but unfortunately he didn't keep a proof-reader. I noticed next day, before I went out, that all the school-children looked up at the house and giggled. I thought it was merely the inappreciativeness of the youthful mind. There I was wrong. It was the fact that the children knew how to spell that caused the mischief. My house was covered with appeals to "WOTE FOR VINKINS!" It did not take long to get new bills printed, but I am not disposed to deny 1 was a trifle disconcerted by this false start. 46 My Baronitess writes:-S. BARING GOULD turns into delightful English prose some of the ancient Icelandic Sagas, or songs, and shows us how Grettir the Outlaw was a Grettir man than was generally supposed by anyone who had never heard very much about him. When he departed, was he very much Re-grettir'd by all who knew him? Messrs. MACMILLAN offer My New Home, provided by Mrs. MOLESWORTH, which many of the little new" women would like to see. Illustrated by L. LESLIE BROOKE: BROOKE" suggests "water colours,"-a new idea for next Christmas. Sou'-wester and Sword, by HUGH ST. LEGER. A nautical and military combination. The Sou'wester of a tar is not at all at sea when, after a pleasant little shipwreck, he joins the forces at Suakim. The winner of this Sr. LEGER was a rank outsider, with the odds against him, but he wins the day by "throstling" (a new word) a few Soudanese; who must have seemed quite forty to one! I am now hard at work canvassing. My wife flatly declines to A cousin, especially a Colonial, is such a very pleasant indistinct help, and I'm afraid to suggest the girls should take the field in sup- sort of relative, that he is bound to be a hero of romance, though port of their father. I tried to secure the services of the vicar's two perhaps a cousin at hand is worth two in the bush; at least, so daughters, but he only wrote rather a stiff note to say that he thought thinks the heroine in My Cousin from Australia, by EVELYN they would have quite enough to do in advocating his claims. I am EVERETT GREEN (HUTCHINSON & Co.); whilst the one whom she not always at one with the clergy, but for once I agree with him. I should have wed was of course a wicked Baronet (does one often meet a have succeeded, however, in getting Miss PHILL BURTT to help me. good Baronet in fiction ?), who tries to upset his successful rival by Her full name is, of course, PHYLLIS; but it's always called and giving him a tip over an agreeably high cliff. It is a Christmas story, spelt "PHILL"-I could never understand why. She's a most delight- and so the "tip" is just at the right time. How it ends You'll see. ful girl, and is worth, at least, a hundred votes to me. As I exBlack and White has gone in for a shilling's worth of the truly plained once before, she has an extraordinary habit of calling all the wonderful in The Dream Club, by BARRIE PAIN and EDEN villagers "idiots"-of course, I mean to her friends (such as myself), PHILPOTTS. It is quite an after-turkey, plum-pudding, mince-pie not to the villagers themselves. I asked her one day why, if she dinner story. How authors and artists must have suffered, judging, thought them idiots, she was kind enough to take the trouble to at least, by the delightful nightmare illustrations. And the picturecanvass them. Well, you see," she said with a charming smile that lady of the cover-ahem! - she has evidently forgotten that she is was all her own; "I'm asking them to vote for you." At the time supposed to be "out" at Christmas. I thought this was a pretty saying, prettily said. I even told it with some amount of pride to my wife just to show her that there were people who did not sympathise with her haughty indifference, Curiously enough my wife only laughed consumedly. When she had recovered, I asked her why she laughed. "Do you really mean to say, TIMOTHY," was her reply, that you don't see what she meant?" Well, though it may seem idiotic..." I said, and was going to add, "I don't," but before I said that, I did see what she (PHYLLIS, of course, I mean) might have meant. Yet I hope she didn't. Miss BURTT has only one drawback as a canvasser. She is so ridiculously scrupulous, I came across an old woman the other day who was quite deaf to my appeals. Whilst I reasoned with her, I found out how kind PHYLLIS was to her. "Miss PHILL, she's really good to us poor people. I'd vote for her if she was standing." I left, having Between the boards of LOTHAR MEGGENDORFER's moveable toybooks (H. GREVEL & Co.) lies genuine fun. The Scenes of the Life of a Masher are simply irresistible. Little ones will be delighted with The Transformation Scenes, besides, there is Charming Variety with a Party of Six. These books are a good tip for a Christmas gift for the representatives of Tommy and Harry. Hades natives of Tommy and Respondent-an attractive titlebeen in the form of a short magazine story, it would probably have been amusing from first to last. Now it is ouly amu-ing at first. Good idea all the same. The old quotation about "Sir HUBERT STANLEY" is brought in, and, of course, incorrectly. It is not "Praise from Sir HUBERT STANLEY," but "approbation." However, as it is said by a light-hearted girl of a very modern type, it may be assumed that the misquotation is intentional. THE B. DE B.-W. THE SNUBBED PROFESSIONAL'S VADE MECUM. Question. You consider yourself neglected because, I presume, the public do not appreciate you at your proper value? Answer. That is, indeed, the case, and for further particulars I refer you to a recent correspondence in the Pall Mall Gazette. Q. Is it not necessary that you should acquire an immense amount of knowledge to undertake the duties of your profession worthily? A. Certainly; and we welcome any kind of safeguard that will protect the public agains fraud and imposture. Q. Then you consider yourprofession verv seriously? A. Undoubtedly. It is the most important profession in the world; not a man, woman, or child exists who has not derived some benefit from its exercise. Q. If I am not mistaken. vou ought to be educated at Oxford or Cambridge to do full justice to your opportu. nities ? A. Certainly; upon the foundation of a school training at either Eton, Westminster, Rugby, or Harrow. Q. Ought you not to take up buman and comparative anatomy? A. As a matter of course, combined with physiology and chemistry. Q. But does every professor of your art follow this routine of work? HONOURS DIVIDED. Mr. Goodchild. "YES, I DO FEEL IN GOOD SPIRITS THIS EVENING. BOY HAS PASSED HIS EXAMINATION !" A. Those who are of the greater worth. There are outsiders who assume our noble name and yet know nothing of our special subject. Q. Besides the studies you have mentioned, are there any others necessary to the formation of a man of your special attainments? A. Well, it would be well for an operator to understand metallurgy and mechanics. Q. And have you to cultivate the graces of the person ? A. Certainly; you must be of a pleasing and courteous presence. You must be fitted by nature and art to obtain the confidence of those who pay you a professional visit. You must be tender and true. You must be able to converse on every subject under the sun, and distract the attention of a sufferer from his pains by causing him to listen to your anecdotes. Q. It seems, then, you must be an admirable Crichton ? At the Fancy Ball. "Do look at that huge woman dancing with Uncle MY BOB. What is she? A Quakeress ?" The Earl. "WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING IN THAT. SO HAS MINE." FIRST IMPRESSIONS. En Route to the Mediterranean.-I am alone, until a Frenchman and his young wife come in and glare at me, presumably because I am already there. The ordinary honeymoon couple anywhere are supercilious enough, and a French honey moon couple perhaps more so. If you gaze absently at the back of Madame's hat, when you are looking at the mountains beyond Madame's head, Monsieur glares at you with the concentrated fury of an angry menagerie. But a French couple, travelling in Italy, which loves the Triple Alliance, develope an air of superciliousness quite unapproach d; and when their solitude is invaded by an Englishman, a native of the country which occupies Egypt, thousand thunders, it is too strong! So these two whisper together, and look out of one window, while I look out of the other, at Viareggio, and the distant Carrara quarries and other sights. All interesting and beautiful, no doubt, but not to be compared to what I shall see beyond Spezia Think of the blue sea, the glorious hills, the olive woods, the Italian fishing villages, the orange groves, the gardens and the flowers. Rather better than that English coast which Londoners know so well, the seashore at Brighton, probably the ugliest in the world, with the most unpicturesque town stretching along it. Of course, I shall not see everything from the train, but I shall at least have the recollection of an earthly paradise, to torment me ever after when travelling in the infernal regions of the Underground Railwar. November in Genoa; November in Gower Street! Halloo, this is Spezia! "H'm rather an Earthquakeress, I should fancy!" 66 Well, this is long. At last we're out. Down with the window once more. There's the Med- What? Another one. Up with the window once more. This is a long one. Begin to cough. Frenchman also coughs. A bond of sympathy. We cough together. Well, at last we are out of these awful tunnels. Down with the window. There's the Medit- Up with the window. Another one! These gymnastics with the windows are most fatiguing. Choke again. Frenchman also chokes. "Ces tunnels!" he gasps at last, on étouffe- Just then the train bursts into daylight, and his head, as before, goes out of his window, like mine out of my window. There's the Me Another! Supristi!" By Jove! Frenchman. Then another burst of daylight and his head and mine More choking. "Ces chemins de fers italiens- begins the go out. There's the Medit-"Matin!" Great Scott! Agree with Frenchman. "C'est assommant," says he, "quel pays Then another gap and heads out as before. There's the MediterraMille tonnerres!" I'm hanged! Frenchman and I abuse the line, the tunnels, the bad light and the worse air. Another interval. 46 There's the M- "Sacré nom de nom!" Confound! Frenchman becomes quite friendly. Even Madame says a word or two. Begin now to disregard half seconds of daylight, and treat it as all tunnel over two hours' long. At last arrive at Genoa, our faces streaked with soot, our lungs full of smoke, our collars nearly black, and all the superciliousness shaken out of us. Frenchman almost affectionate when we part. As for the Mediterranean, I should have seen nearly as much of it at Moorgate Street. A FIRST IMPRESSIONIST. Now then, look out. Oh, here's a tunnel first. Wait patiently till we are through the tunnel. By dim light of carriage lamp perceive the French people glaring at me. This is a long tunnel. But then at the end I shall see- Here is the end. Down with the window. There's the Mediter- Halloo! Another tunnel. Up with the ON SOME CHRISTMAS DIARIES.-No backsliding in engagements if window. At last this one is coming to an end. Down with the win- you possess one of WALKER's capital backlooped pocket-diaries, they dow again. Look out. There's the Medi Halloo, another one! are strongly bound to assist you. His Society Christmas Cards are, Up with the window again. French people still glare, but, it seems, as they should be, first class. In fact, "WALKER" is not to me, more mildly. A fellow-feeling of suffocation, no doubt. HOOKEY." but "O. K." AND OH, MABEL, A WRETCH MISTOOK MY SKIRT FOR THE 'BUS APRON, THE OTHER DAY, AND DIDN'T FIND OUT HIS MISTAKE FOR EVER SO LONG. OF COURSE HE WAS AWFULLY NICE ABOUT IT; SO I HAD TO SAY, IT DIDN'T MATTER. BUT WASN'T IT DREADFUL!" THE INFANT PHENOMENON. WHEN the song said Jap AH SID was just nothing but a kid That same "little kid" would raise; of the pæans of loud praise A pupil of the West he was held, but, upon test, Phenomenal young Jappy, Occidental Powers seem happy In the wicked Art of War, seeing proof you 've carried far How to work an ironclad! It's amazing that a lad In naval matters practical, strategical and tactical, The nipper shows a nous that almost dazes. Infant phenomenon? Wal, I rayther guess he's gone GENEROSITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES. (THE Question of the Day.) Daisy. I want to buy a Christmas present for JACK. Do you see anything you think he would like? Violet. Here's a morocco case with seven razors, one for each day of the week. Daisy. Lovely! But JACK's got whiskers and a beard. Violet. So he has! Then why not this exquisite silver cigar-ash tray ? Daisy. Yes, that would be just the thing; only, unfortunately, JACK never smokes, and always walks out of the room if anybody else does. Violet. Oh! That's awkward. This drinking-horn-what do you think of it? Daisy (gloomily). I'm afraid JACK's a Blue Ribbonite. Violet (after a pause). He needn't use it for drinking from. It Though his names and terms sound funny, it is more than even would do for a flower-vase, if it had a stand. Anyhow, let's make money, That he hides a lot of wisdom in his lingo. And what matter baggy breeches, and a speech all "his" and "ichis," If this "Boy" can give the Chinese Giant stingo? But though plain or currant-bunny, and the colour of fresh honey, See, those eyes are all a-twinkle! Like the sudu-mushi's tinkle haste and choose something. Daisy. I would give him this lovely ink-bottle, only he uses a type-writer. Ah, I have it-a purse! Violet. The question is whether JACK has it, not you. Daisy (enthusiastically). Yes, a purse it shall be. JACK never has any money-but that is only a detail. Showy, isn't it? Violet. Awfully pretty! Made in Germany, too, it says; that makes it so much more romantic. Daisy (groaning). Come awav! JACK's a morbid patriot. Won't look at a thing not made in England. I must choose some other day. And we shall be horribly late for lunch. Really, presentchoosing isn't as easy as one thinks! Violet. Not for JACK, at any rate! [Exeunt hurriedly, and empty-handed. "CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE."-My Gas Company's bill. |